Hold on to Hope

More fun

2012-02-03T08:39:00.002-05:00

The whole pregnancy thing is getting more fun. I am assured it will not last, it is just the "second trimester boost" that most women experience. I am going to savor it for all it is worth.

At 9 weeks, we got to hear the heartbeat. We were surprised - we knew it would be soon that we could, but we really were not expecting it. At the end of my appointment, the doc got out his doppler thing and was like so, let's see. He found it right away, and I have to admit, I could not stop smiling. It was such a relief to have confirmation that feeling so sick was actually making something real!

Like I said, I started feeling better pretty soon after that particular visit, and I have been on the up-and-up since. Sounds like I have been lucky. I recently found out that one of my co-workers is about 2 weeks ahead of me, and she is still (at 15 weeks) feeling pretty icky and not interested in food and spending most of the day nauseated. Meanwhile, I am finally starting to feel like me again.

A modified me, however.

One thing I have noticed, especially in the past week, is that I have a low tolerance for stupidity. Take two posts ago, ranting about my foul-mouthed co-worker. Would I be that upset if I was not pregnant? It is not like this is new behavior from him... but it is certainly a new reaction from me.
I am also more road-ragey. I get angrier when people cut me off or are driving all over the road or just being dumb in general.
I am hoping this is not the start of me turning into a raging you-know-what!
Fortunately, I still have the presence of mind to realize that unfamiliar hormones are wreaking havoc on my body, so when I start wanting to go for the throat, I am cognizant enough to take a step back, breathe, and know that that is not how a truly feel.
At least... most of the time. :)

On Monday, we had our first ultrasound. I accidentally spent the morning freaking myself out by creating a lesson on genetic disorders for my students, which gave me such huge butterflies, I had to call in support from my mom, Les, and Jon. They reassured me that I am silly for being worried... and it really is what it is. If there was a chromosomal abnormality, it would be there from the beginning, and there was nothing I could do or change at 12.5 weeks.
So, we went to the appointment, and it was really cool.
I honestly had no idea how much that little thing moves around. It looked like it had the hiccups, actually, and it kept straightening out. Good news - two arms, two legs, two halves of the brain, and a wicked strong heart. Also, my nuchal translucency came back in normal parameters so far. That means that I am not at a higher risk (again, so far) for the baby having Down's or a neural tube deformity. Yay!
It was measuring at 63 mm, which was consistent with it being conceived on November 18th. So, I am all set to be due on August 10th, the date of the Project Philly Concert. Guess we will not be singing this summer!

Since the ultrasound, we have started to tell people, which has been fun. Part of me wants to just never put it on facebook - telling people in real life is just way too cool.
After the appointment, we stopped by my mom's work to show her the ultrasound pictures. She started making a big hullabaloo and her officemates came in to congratulate us. She then called my aunt Pat, who proceeded to start BAWLING and tell us how excited she is. She is the only "sister" with grandkids, so I think she is really excited to share this experience with my mom. Pat asked when I was due, and I said August, and her first words were, "That does not leave us that much time to shop!" She has already called my mom several times with various grandmotherly advice. It is fun. :)
We talked to my JoAnn... my mom had just sent her the ultrasound picture with no explanation. She was thrilled as well! Later, we talked to my cousin Pam who says she is very excited to be "an aunt"! She scolded me though because when we saw her mid-December, we had know at that point, but no one else knew. We then talked constipation woes.... its fun to have such an open family. Ha!

We then proceeded to make several phone calls to friends to let them know the scoop. Some people "knew" because, really, we never call people, so I guess it was obvious. I think the sharing part has gotten us more excited about the whole prospect. People seem WAY more excited than us.... :) So that spurs us on to get more excited. :) It is also a huge blessing to see how happy people are for us. I mean, you expect a good reaction, but it has been really cool to see the genuine love and caring that people have for us. Maybe it is one of those things people take for granted, or maybe we never fully thought about it before, but we are so lucky to have people in our lives who support us.

So... things are good. As I said, feeling much better, much happier.... and, thank the Lord, I am HUNGRY again. It is so nice to want to eat! Now, of course, I need to eat. If I do not get something in my belly at least every 3 or 4 hours, I pay for it.

The oddest thing so far is that while I have not actually gained weight, my weight is definitely shifting. My belly has gotten hard and it is poking out more than it ever has before. I guess I never realized how skinny my stomach was until I started looking down and was unable to see anything besides belly. My breasts are getting bigger too (a fact that my pervy uncle was "worried" about when my mom told him I am pregnant). Overall, it should be an interesting ride... watching my body morph into something unfamiliar has been pretty fascinating thus far.

Thankfully, I have also been really chill about it. No, I am not reading any books. No, I am not reading any blogs. No, I am not freaking out! I refuse to get myself worked up over what might happen or what might not happen. I am solidly committed to positive thinking and the belief that if God allowed me to get pregnant, then He also must have made sure my body is capable of doing what it is supposed to do - support a life. I know it is not going to be pretty the whole time, but if making a life were easy, it would take the mystery and joy out of it.

2012-01-20T08:32:00.002-05:00

I suppose I feel like I can write about this because I think anyone who actually reads my blog already knows...

We are pregnant!

Okay, not really... I am pregnant, he is just taking care of my sick sad self. Even that is not fully true, at least not anymore. I hit 11 weeks today, so here is a general summary of the past few months...

"It" (and no, I do not feel badly referring to it as It because that is what It is as far as I know) was conceived on November 18th. I know this because I am incredibly impatient and I hate getting my period. So, after 3 months of just seeing what will happen, I decided to use those fun pee-on ovulation tests. Not that I would be unaware of my ovulation otherwise. The stabbing knives in my ovaries are usually a pretty good indication of supreme fertility.

The funny part to me, which might be a little TMI, is that neither Jon nor I were actually in the mood. He had been away for work and was fighting a cold. I was tired on account of poor sleep and general blahness that signifies the start of the true winter season. But we went for it anyway. I can honestly say this baby was planned for and tried for and was conceived in love and hope (and all the rest of that bs).

On November 28th (or was it 27th?), I took a pregnancy test, just to see. I knew my period should be coming soon, but I had been feeling mind-numbingly tired and alternately hyper.

After peeing on the stick and setting it on the counter, I remember thinking to myself, "You know, you are only going to get pregnant when you truly let go." And then I did. And then I looked down and saw a faint double line. Holy cow.

At that point, my heart nearly jumped out of my body it was beating so hard. I walked downstairs to Jon and put his hand on my neck. I asked him if he could feel my heart and he asked if I was okay. I said, "I think we might be pregnant." I am pretty sure he just looked at me. I took him upstairs and showed him the "weak positive" (thanks medical tech training!) and seeing that, I really had no doubt. I figured if it stuck, the line would get stronger over the week due to the influx of HCG and we would go from there.

The first order of business was sleeping. Which was nearly impossible, because we were both kind of freaked out.

Years ago I made my peace with the fact that I simply might never be able to have a child. My endometriosis was diagnosed in 2006 and who knows how it has grown in the past 5 years. Despite my attempts to stave it off with Lupron and birth control, who really knew? I can say this though - I fully believe that the gluten-free dairy-free diet I was on for the past year helped tremendously. No, I was not super strict on it, but I worked hard at it, and I have to give it some credit.

For about another week or so, I felt good. Still tired, but certainly not sick or anything.

And then it hit.

Starting towards the beginning of December, I started feeling sick. I was not throwing up, but it honestly felt like I had my period. I was nauseated all day every day. All food, especially veggies and meats, made me turn up my nose. I was trying to drink more water (eat for one, drink for two, as my doc told me), my mouth not only tasted like metal (still does) but it was watering CONSTANTLY. I was getting waves of cramping and nausea that were worse. I attribute the cramping mostly to the changes in my uterus... as it grows and reshapes, all of my scar tissue has to break up. The nausea... well, as long as I kept eating, it was okay, but I could not eat too much.
And oh, the exhaustion!
I have never felt so tired in my life, and it was completely different from "didn't get enough sleep" tired or even "low iron" tired. I would sleep 10 to 12 hours a night and still have to drag my butt out of bed and was yawning all day.

We went to Maine for Christmas, a decision that was probably not the best one, in retrospect. It was hard. I was feeling sick and my tolerance for chaos was low low low, so it was really hard for me to be around so much family -especially so many yelling running bouncing children. I am glad we got to see everyone, but it was still really rough on me and I felt like I did not get much rest over the break. :(

I think the hardest part about feeling so icky is that it is very easy to have doubts. Can I handle this? What if my body just completely gives up? Is the baby okay? Am I supposed to feel this hellish? What if I cannot make it to the end? Is this really what I want?

That kind of long-term sick feeling really saps your positivity. As much as I wanted to be excited about the pregnancy, I sort of just wanted it to go away too. It is hard to be thrilled when you can barely think straight you are so tired and ill.

However, I do have good news to report: I have finally turned the corner. Starting last week (just shy of 10 weeks), I woke up one morning and just felt better. And it has stuck! This week I am mostly devoid of nausea (YAY!!!) and feeling more energized. I am getting up like 2 or 3 times a night to pee, and on top of it randomly waking up for about a half hour to 45 minutes in the wee hours of the morning... but I am feeling so so so much better.

Now... the fun stuff.

We ended up telling Jon's parents on Christmas Eve eve. They had to leave for Maine early, so we got together for a late dinner and presents. We had gotten a really cheap stocking at the dollar store and wrote "baby n" on it. Jon's mom opened it first and her whole face lit up and she gasped as her mouth formed an "o". She passed it to my father-in-law, who pretty much had the same reaction. They were thrilled! I got hugs first, but they were happy for Jon too. :) It was a relief to be honest about how cruddy I was feeling because I had been trying to hide it for so long.

The next night, we told my parents. We got luminary candles and bags and cut out "we're pregnant" into the bags. We told my family we had a surprise for them and set up the bags at the bottom of their property. They were sort of smushed together in one area so that it could be read. My brother said later that he wondered why we had done such a cruddy job of spacing them out. :) My mom was really excited about the luminaries because we have talked for years about doing them, but every time it is windy or rainy or weathering in some way. This Christmas Eve was perfect! Cold, calm, and clear.
As we walked down to check them out, all three of them started to realize something was written on the bags. My mom, however, caught on first. She shrieked. Then she jumped up and down and hugged me and started bawling and laughing and there was even a little peeing involved, she was so excited. Of course, this made me laugh and cry as well. She kept saying Really?! Really?!?! My brother caught on next and gave Jon a huge hug and picked him up in the air. My dad FINALLY figured it out. He said he thought it said something about elephants. He picked Jon up as well. :) My family was just so excited - it was really really cool. My mom was shocked because it happened so fast an she was not expecting it. My dad was excited in his own understated way. My brother cannot wait to be an uncle. It was a neat experience.

During our visit to Maine, we had family pictures taken, so we waited until we were getting a picture of the siblings. Jon's mom said, "Oh, if only we had something to say that would make us all smile." So Jon was like, okay, everyone say "Jon and Ericka are pregnant!" And they DID, but it took a few seconds to catch on. They all sort of did that mental double take like, wait, what? What?! They were all quite happy for us, though it is hard in some ways too. My older sister in law really enjoyed pregnancy and would probably love to have another kid, but they are done. My younger sister in law had a lot of fertility issues so although they have 3 kids now, I know it hits home a bit that it was so "easy" for us. But they really are thrilled, especially for Jon, because he is going to be a great dad.

I will have to write more later about exciting things....

really?

2012-01-09T13:30:00.003-05:00

A-holes that think they are better than everyone else really make me angry.

I am sorry, I really try to like this co-worker of mine, but some days, I want to wring his neck.

He is older and he has seen and done a lot of things in his life. He claims to have double dated with Crick (of Waston & Crick fame). He always has (long) stories to share. As a teacher, he sets the bar VERY high, but if students come to him for help, he seems pretty receptive.

But then there is today.

He was chatting on the phone with another teacher and dropped the f-bomb about 6 times in one minute, all referring to a student. My favorite part was when he said, "I would just tell the little girl to go f herself."

REALLY?!

Okay, I get it, we are not a typical school. There are not hundreds of small prying ears listening for our every screw up. But we do have parents, families, and political figures walking past our cubicles every day. More often than not, they are stopping by his cubicle because of his status as "staff elder", beloved by all admin.

Now, perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps he was just extraordinarily frustrated. However, it is every day that I am hearing f-this, f-that from his cube. Whatever, some people have potty mouths, but realize that we are a school and you need to have your teacher filter on! Even if you have a potty mouth, it is completely and utterly inappropriate to talk about a student that way, even to another teacher. Cubicle walls are not sound-proof.

So, because I was fed-up, I tattled on him. That is right, I told my supervisor. Honestly, that sort of talk grates on my ears, but when I am trying to focus and do recordings and things like that, it is worse.

She walked over and told him to watch his language. He meekly complied... and proceeded to get back on the phone with the same teacher as soon as she walked away and made fun of her for scolding him about his language.

Seriously, who the f do you think YOU are?

He also said he thought he knew who tattled. It was not me he suspected. But today, between his mouth and the trash that comes out of the other end of his body (CONSTANT loud juicy smelly farts - not nearly as funny as you might find it on tv or youtube), I wanted to march over and be like, you know what, go f yourself!

The worst part about it is that he really thinks his poop doesn't stink. And it does. Literally and figuratively.

I really really really try to be understanding that he has this entitlement issue, and that, yes, in certain respects, he IS entitled to act how he wants. I try to keep in mind the good things, like when he finds an article he is dying to share with you or an example you could use in class (though I suspect he does this to show off his OWN knowledge... his smug look that follows your blank one when you do not know the answer to his million dollar question is proof in my mind). But stop being an a-hole within my hearing distance because it makes me want to punch you in the face. Hard.

Breakin Up Is Hard To Do

2011-11-22T09:19:00.003-05:00

Over the years, there have been friends who have fallen by the wayside. Everyone has them – people you knew and were a huge part of your life that faded away as your life changed. It is not a bad thing, but a natural progression. I remember the anxiety of high school, which is a time of such fast growth, and realizing that the people who had been my friends for 2 years (which is practically forever then) were people that I did not quite identify with anymore. Arguments and drama ensued, but I have to say that most of those people I am still on good/friendly terms with. I have never had a real “break up” where bridges were burned completely. Even the girl who, literally, said I should be burned at the stake, is still one of my very best friends today. Things have a way of working out, especially if all parties involved can take a step back and realize that not all friends have to be in your business 24/7. You can still love and care for each other on a, dare I say, more convenient basis. I realize that has awful connotations, but let me explain...

I am blessed with wonderful friends who occasionally check in on me. They have busy lives. I have a busy life. I do not expect them to have ESP and magically know when I need them. If I need them, I get in touch with them. Similarly, if they need me, they do the same. It is, in a sense, convenient. Does our friendship have less meaning because they do not know my daily ongoings? No. In fact, I would say it is even stronger, because no matter the time or distance between meetings, everything falls back into place immediately. This is something I really really appreciate. It is basically like having brothers and sisters – that bond is not going to disappear.

I have other friends (also wonderful) that are part of my more daily life. They are people I work with, people I sing with, and people who live in close proximity. They are the people that I see on a more regular basis, that I might go to the movies with or go to a museum with. They are people to have game nights with or meet up for an event. I still do not require very much of them, and I do not expect them to require much of me. That is the beauty of good friendships – they are easy and care-free! I am not super offended if I am not invited somewhere, and I do not think they are offended if I do something without them. I try to spend time with everyone on a regular basis and am more up to date on what is going on with them. Some friends are closer to my heart than others, some know more than others, some would be classified as “good friends” and others closer to “acquaintances”. No big deal – just a lot of nice people to hang out with, who, again, I could count on in a pinch. My work friends are actually probably the closest of the bunch because they really get the full brunt of everything that happens to me. I would consider them good friends.

I guess I feel that I have a laid-back approach to friendships. Is that lazy? I am not sure. That is part of my question to you readers out there. What are your expectations of a friend? Does it depend on who the friend is? Does it depend on how you met? What happens when you have different expectations of how a friendship works?

The reason I wanted to write this post is because I have been watching the slow disintegration of a friendship that ultimately will result in the complete burning of a bridge. And, no, I am not the one with the lit torch and pitchfork. Though I would not have this bridge burned, there is not much I can do about it it seems, and as this is titled, breaking up is hard to do. It is particularly hard for me because I cannot really say that I have ever “lost” a friend. Mutually moved on, maybe. But those were high school friends and college friends who drifted away – no one that felt so negatively about me that they actively stopped being my friends in a hostile way.

Yet, that is what I am dealing with.

Honestly, I thought that this sort of behavior went by the wayside in junior high, but here I am at 30... and she is in her mid-30's! Yikes! Get a grip!

So maybe you are wondering what happened. I would love to recount it, but to be honest, I am not sure. She has tried to explain it to me (you know, back when we were still talking – about a year ago), but her mindset is so completely foreign to me that I could not make heads or tails of it. Here is what I think happened:

Her expectation of what a friend is and does is very different from mine. I am not a big fan of gabbing on the phone – we would basically talk all day at work anyway – and she was upset that I did not want to do that. I did not have much time to spend with her outside of work (I was taking 2 grad classes a semester for my masters, working at the hospital two weekends a month, planning a wedding, singing, taking aikido 3 days a week) and it upset her that I did not have time for her. She expected me to have ESP and ask about her family, although she was very secretive and did not like to give up details – yet she wanted me to drag stuff out of her. She does not like my husband, so if we were to spend time together, it had to be alone.

I called her my work spouse, and in a lot of ways, I spent so much time with her during the day and mentally (often emailing after work) that sometimes it felt like I was cheating on my husband! I remember one time I had stayed late after school playing a board game with her and was late to a planned family dinner because I lost track of time. I felt guilty, like I was with a lover! That was unacceptable to me, so I scaled it back. I think she realized it.

That covers most of the main points. I suppose I could go into the deep psychological aspect of all this. I used to worry myself sick (no, literally, I threw up one time) because I hated upsetting her and I hated all of this drama and angst. She is the master of really nasty emails, though she hates verbal confrontation.

My mom's solution was easy: ditch her. No one needs someone like that in their life.

But I didn't. I kept trying, I kept pushing. However, last school year, I realized that my life WAS way too busy. I quit the hospital. I quit aikido. I started my gluten & dairy free thing. This basically takes us to last fall/winter. I had a very stressful school year with over 200 kids and 3 preps. As a result, I was not working as closely with this friend because of some departmental changes and how much I had to do for my students.

As I focused more intently on work and on figuring out ways to reduce my stress, we talked less and less, checking in maybe once a week, if that. After a few months, it finally hit me: I am happier without this girl in my life. It meant not walking on eggshells all the time. I meant not worrying that she took something I said the wrong way. It meant that instead of using precious work hours to drag information out of her, I could focus on getting stuff done that was required of me.

But it was hard.

She sent me an extraordinarily nasty email on Christmas (of all days), which made me cry while I was trying to enjoy time with my family. I did not respond. We met up for a few hours at a Barnes and Noble and I told her, flat out, that I was sorry for not living up to her expectations. However, I also told her that a friendship takes two, and I knew that if I stopped pursuing her, she would not pursue me.

And here we are a year later, more or less literally, and I have almost put this friendship to permanent sleep.... but I still struggle.

What I predicted was exactly what happened - I stopped talking to her (not on purpose, but out of busy-ness) and she never attempted to contact me.

So it should be over, right?

The issue is that I continue to watch this girl, someone I still really care about, go down in flames. One of her best friends, someone she has treated horribly, but who has stuck by her through all of her attitude swings, is now not really in contact with her after a volley of several really awful email in which she accused him of things he did not do and called him a variety of names that were neither pleasant nor true. Due to this collision, she has quit a program that our group of friends here at work participate in together - really the last formal place where we got to hang out on a regular basis. Our department chair, another good friend of hers, is not really talking with her because she long gave up trying to sugar-coat things so that this girl would not get angry. And the final friend, the poor thing, is still holding on, but her cryptic nature and general nastiness is finally getting to the final friend as well. Recently, she told the two girls not to get her anything for Christmas or her birthday because “she does not need anything”... but it felt much more like a big f-you to those girls, and it really upset them.

So what am I to do? I have made peace (more or less) with the fact that my ex-friend has some legitimate mental issues going on. As I said, there is a lot of backstory psychologically about her childhood and things that I could go into. However, she is 35 years old. When do you stop acting like a 13 year old and take responsibility for your own actions? When do you gain the maturity to look past the fact that you were completely sheltered and had every whim catered to as a child, and realize that you are an adult. She is so completely miserable with herself, but she blames the world for it because she has never had the strength to change her life.

Last week, she stopped by to the one friend who is still hanging on, telling her that I “will do the same thing to her” - referring to me! What? Wait, what did I do? I stopped letting you drag me down into your crazy mental spiral of destruction? Sorry, that seems like a good thing to me. Let me mention again that life is much sunnier without your teenage angst.

Again, to the point of this blog... what am I to do? She is saying nasty things about me behind my back, but that does not bother me too much. She can think what she wants. The bigger issue here is that this IS someone I still care about, even if she does not want to be my friend, and I am not sure what my obligation is to try to help her. I am not sure I CAN help her. But is it not a friend's duty to tell another friend when they are being an idiot? It is so clear to see that she is pushing all of us away and blaming us for it. Maybe if it was just one person, maybe if it were just me, then I would be more concerned that it WAS my fault. But when you see her push away 4 people who have done nothing but put up with her bs for the past 5 years.... at some point you have to think maybe it is not US, but HER.

I do not really care if our friendship picks back up again. It would be nice to be friends, but right now I am just concerned for her mental well-being. She really has problems that need addressing. I am concerned for our other friends who still really care about maintaining a friendship. It destroys my friends when this girl is so mean to them, and I am angry that they are being treated that way.

So what do I do? If you see someone trip on the sidewalk, don't you help them up? Or do you stand there and watch?

Jazz music

2011-10-06T10:31:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking about this post for awhile, but have not had the chance to write about it until today.

I was driving home the other day with my radio set to scan. It briefly paused on the jazz station, and I hit scan again to keep it there. Growing up, I never liked jazz. In fact, if you asked me what type of music I liked, I would reply, "Anything except country, classical, and jazz." At the ripe old age of 30, I have to amend that statement to, "Anything except country."

Let's hope that never changes.

The first time I actually listened to jazz was when I was 21 years old. I was living in Philly at the time and there was a jazz club on Broad Street that was getting ready to close its doors. In somewhat of a strange and random experience, a friend of a friend (or really a friend of a brother of a friend) asked if I wanted to go with him to check it out. Looking back, I suppose it was a date, but at the time I thought little of it. During that year, a lot of odd things happened that were not quite in line with my understanding of "self". Yet, all of those experiences are a part of me, so I guess buried within me is a past self that I have moved beyond. Either way, it was the first time I really listened to jazz.

We got dressed up and I looked the part of arm candy as we strolled through the city on the way to the club. I remember the weather being nice, though whether that meant brisk or balmy, I could not say. I had fun and can distinctly see myself smiling and laughing and enjoying the lights on Broad. I felt good. And I definitely liked the jazz.

When I first accepted the invitation (date?), I wondered what I was getting myself into. I hated jazz. How boring! How repetitive! And besides, I concert goer I am not. As much as I love music, I prefer to be an active participant, not someone sitting opposite the stage. As the night approached, I got more and more nervous. Why was I going to put myself through hours of awful music? What if I am dressed up too much? I barely know this guy - why did I agree to go to this club with him? (Okay, I know the answer to three - he was darn cute!)

And so, we went, and I actually legitimately enjoyed the music! It had a complexity I never noticed before and I appreciated the musicians and their ability to gel without conversing about how they were going to go about it. They seemed fully immersed in their music and their own care was the next note or beat. I knew that feeling, and I missed it. Philly was a year of no music, in more ways than one.

I remember walking back to my apartment feeling really upbeat. While the company was good, I cannot say that it was him who was making me happy. That year was miserable in so many ways, but the music did something to me and I felt lighter.

The evening ended. He wanted to hook up. I declined.

After that event, him and I hung out several times. No kisses, but he was a good friend to me when I needed one. As I moved around my lab rotations, my final leg took me to Hematology, where the jazz played 24/7. I would sit and stare into my microscope for hours on end counting blood cells or sperm or whatever, and let the jazz relax me and connect me to the people around me.

Now this is a strange tie-in, but I heard the news that Steve Jobs, the founder and former CEO of Apple passed away fro pancreatic cancer yesterday at the age of 56. The radio program was discussing his legacy. Not only did he revolutionize how we listen to our music, but he essentially caused the downfall of the CD and physical music stores. He had a hand, albiet a distant one, in allowing new an emerging artists to put their music out there on the web and have it easily bought and sold and heard.

The program played a bit of his 2005 commencement speech to Stanford, which you can find HERE. The speech is really wonderful and inspirational, and as I was reading it this morning, it actually made me think of my whole experience in Philly. As he said, it was "bitter medicine". At the time, I did not know how my life was going to progress. When I woke up in the morning, I knew things had to change, because I was not living a life I wanted to lead. I did not yet know how all of the dots would connect together.

That year had great firsts (living on my own, getting my cat, being independent, taking board exams, seeing shows, trying new foods) and it also had a lot of dark times (cheating, lying, fear, being alone, hating myself, being sick to the soul, not having music, hurting others, breaking up). As I already said in this post, it was miserable. Yet, we all have to go through junk like that. The only hope is that we learn from it and that some day, it will all make sense, and we will get it, and we will be whole again. Nearly every day of that year felt like a bullet hole in my soul... but here I am, all healed. Time helps.

When I hear jazz now, it makes me smile. It makes me think of a cute boy who liked me without even knowing me. It makes me think of working in the lab at the hospital. It makes me feel like winter and cozy sweaters and connections. It is really hard to describe the completeness it makes me feel, but it is like being in a movie when I hear jazz.

To be honest, the deep down reason it may hold a special connection for me is that is was the start of changing who I was. It was the first time I said "no" because it was best for me. It was when I began to realize that I was in charge of myself and that I could be happy and I could figure myself out and, even better, that I would.

Steve Jobs' commencement speech reminds me of those convictions, of that hope. It is like jazz to me. So while I know that this post is probably really disjointed and confusing, maybe you will at least get a sense that I think things can change and be different and we can live the lives we enjoy... it just takes experiences, both good and bad, and time, for everything to fall into place.

last day of summer

2011-08-24T12:57:00.003-04:00

I have written about this topic before, but it seems an appropriate time to bring it up again.

We are all the products of both genetics and our environment. Sure, psychokillers can be raised by the nicest families because something genetically is just off. For the most part, however, our families have a lot of influence over who we are and who we become. At first, we just learn their vocabulary and their accent. From there, we take on opinions and mannerisms and viewpoints. We learn how to interact with the world through interactions with them. This can leave us imprinted for life, in good ways and in bad.

My dad is an alcoholic. It is no secret, not even to him. As I have said before, he was never physically abusive, though he could get grumpy and verbally snap once in awhile. We always had a home, clothes, food… but we never had what we actually wanted – dad.

It has been a struggle for him since his late teens. He grew up in a bit of an emotionally unstable family and joining the navy took him to places where drinking was the only activity. It began.

My mom says that when they met, she really did not know how “bad” it was. My father was working on the stock exchange, taking out clients, meeting at bars, being social. After she had me, and her husband, now a father, still came home late and still came home wasted and still was making more love to the drink than he was to her that she finally realized.

She had hope though. She tried many different ways to make him understand that no man is an island – what he does hurts her, hurts me, and hurts my brother. She implored him. She gave him ultimatums. She cried. We did much the same – conversations, letters, tears. In the end, all he can say is that he will do it when he wants to do it, not before, and not for anyone else but himself.

We love him, but he is a difficult man to like.

To a person without an addiction, it seems quite clear that if he loved us, he would be willing and able to fight this fight. If he loved us, he would take care of himself for us. If he loved us, he could see how much he hurts us. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. His mind is wired differently and the result is that it makes it much easier for him to make excuses and to rationalize and to blame us. In his mind, he is just doing what he wants to be happy and clearly we are the ones who have the problem, we are the ones who want to “change” him and put rules forth and bind him.

Who is to say he is wrong?

But here we are, at the end of summer. At 30 years old, I did not think I would still be as hurt as I was as a child every time I see him drinking, every time I know he is buzzed, every time I see the anguish in my mom’s eyes when she is looking at the glaze over his. This summer has been bad.

There was a time when he was sober. It was an exciting time, full of anticipation. I was happy to go to my home. I was happy to see my mom and dad actually together. They went on dates. They spent time with each other. They seemed to be having fun.

I don’t know what changed, but his sobriety ended, and so did their relationship.

About 12 years ago, my mom asked me if she should divorce my dad. I told her at 18 what I will tell her tonight – life is too short to put up with this bullshit. If my dad wants to drink himself into the ground, that is his choice, and it is not her fate to have her heart broken every day. Life isn’t fair, and in fact, it is rather cruel. She has done her best to make him see how life could be and to show him that he has all of our support. If he takes the dark path, it does not mean that my mother has to walk down it with him. It does not mean she has to be scared to come home every day. It does not mean she has to watch him commit a long and slow suicide.

I am not an advocate of divorce. I think people in our country get divorced at the drop of a hat. The real issue is that these people often get married without actually knowing the person they are marrying and then end up realizing that they shouldn’t have been married in the first place. However, I think if you make a commitment to each other, you should sincerely try to work it out.

My mom has tried.

My dad… who can say? Has he really tried sobriety? Think of a habit you have. Maybe you bite your nails or pick your nose or pop your pimples. Go ahead, try and stop for a few days. Suddenly you will find yourself doing it when you were not even thinking about it. I think this must be what addiction is like, and without being totally conscious and deliberate about not doing it every day, you suddenly find yourself two drinks in at the bar. There is some truth to “it just happened”, and it is very hard to commit to real change, especially to a habit that is 48 years old, as it is for my dad. Is that an excuse? Hardly. We are the ones who hold ourselves back. At the end of the day, you are to blame for your own actions.

I have put it forth in no uncertain terms that any future children I have will not be allowed near my father if he has been drinking or smoking. No wiggle room. No negotiations. I love my father, but I already know that I will fiercely, passionately, and possibly even aggressively love any children that come into my life. I will not put them through what I have gone through. They will not be exposed to that, so long as I can help it.

Of course I want them to have a relationship with my dad. My dad has a soft spot that he only lets show once in awhile. He would love to have grandkids. He would absolutely dote on them. However, I cannot abide his destructive choices, and I will not let those decisions affect my kids. I refuse. I think my dad, in a way, sees this as a punishment to him, or a way to rein him in. It has little to do with him and everything to do with providing a happy and healthy life for my future progeny.

This brings me back to the beginning of the post – our families affect who we are and who we become. I am positively scarred for life due to my dad. In some ways, it has been good. I am without a doubt strong and confident in who I am. I am quite rational and I have seen both good and evil in the world. I know that everything is in shades of grey. I am loved by both my parents in very different ways. On the other hand, there are downsides. If my husband ever got buzzed, I think I would throw up. Just considering it turns my stomach in knots and brings tears to my eyes. If he ever developed a habit, I would be out of our marriage lickedysplit. And for those of you who know our relationship, you know that we are truly soulmates. This would break us. And honestly, I don’t think I could have had a husband who drank… I could never give my heart to someone who did. Is that wrong of me? It is what it is, and my family molded that in me. It hurts too much to see my dad and I could never live with seeing it every day.

I am not sure what will happen next. My dad knows that if I get pregnant, he will not see that kid until he puts his demons behind him. He also knows that I care deeply about him and that I really really want to see him around. As far as my mom goes, she is tired. It is unfair that she has had to deal with this on top of everything else in her life. She does not want to do it anymore and my brother and I are not sure she can muster enough strength for the last offense. No doubt about it though, things are bad, and something needs to change.

I hope that my father can get pass his own lies and see that there is joy to be had in life and that his family can be his strength when he has none. I have not yet given up, and this past week has shown me that I was actually the only one who had not. My hope shines through though, and I think in some ways it has sparked some life back into my brother and mom.

No, it is not fair to be the one to hold the hope. Honestly, I do not want to deal with this any more than anyone else does. From somewhere within me though, I feel like I have the strength. I feel like I can support my family, and I suppose that is the whole point of having a family in the first place, right? Someone is always around to give you a leg up if you need it. I just hope this horse is not too tall.

The end, again

2011-06-14T17:46:00.003-04:00

Well, the school year has ended again. This time, it managed to be even more anti-climactic than it has in the past. Quite literally, I arrived home last Thursday and suddenly realized, "Oh, it was the last day of school."

Most likely the feeling of disappointment is for a few reasons:

1. I don't get to see them. In a normal school, kids would be running around, saying their good-byes, asking me to sign their yearbook (which I would do, with some kind of personal, meaningful statement like "Have a nice summer!"), and generally feeling excited about the summer. In cyber school, that is not really an option. A flick of the switch and their computer is off, forever disconnected from me. Will I hear from them again? Some of them, yes. The ones I have encouraged through family problems... the ones who sent me random Biology mysteries like the pictures of fungus growing on her brother's head or the story of the crab with one huge claw ("Is it an adaptation?!"), but for the most part they may not even know my name. Seriously.

2. I still have to work. For whatever reason, I have to work until Thursday. Yes, a whole week additional, despite the fact that I have finished everything and am struggling not to just whip out a book and read.

3. Graduation. I take pictures at graduation, which is Sat, and I know from my experience last year that it is exhausting. Photography really takes singular focus. To focus so intently on one purpose for several hours mentally wipes you out. On top of that, my weak flabby arms have to hold a heavy camera for those hours. Last year, and I am a bit ashamed to admit this, my arms hurt the next day. Pathetic.

So, yes, school is over, but it is not finished just yet. And while I have really been trying to pump myself up for Australia (we leave Sunday), it is hard to do with these other things sort-of looming over my head. We have started to organize our lives to get ready to be out of the country for three weeks: how many pairs of underwear can I get away with? how many long paints do I need? how much technology should we take? what if I die while scuba diving? what if a box jelly wraps all of its awful tentacles around my body? what if a koala scratches my eyes out? what if a kangaroo wants to box with me? what if Lily is so distraught at our absence (and because she has to live with Harvey and Sophie) that she finds a way to commit suicide?

Lots to think about.

But I am trying to gear up, and we will see how it goes... Hopefully this week will be as restful as possible so that we are all healthy and happy to sit on the plane for a day. :)

grr

2011-03-24T15:19:00.004-04:00

Okay, I admit it, my life is, on most days, pretty sweet. I have an awesome husband, wonderful family. We have a nice house, stable jobs that allow us to afford a moderate lifestyle. We have a new car and are going to Australia in the summer. We get to sing and to teach Sunday School. We have good friends and are relatively healthy.

But the past two weeks have sucked.

And so, I feel the need to write about it, because keeping it all up inside is making me physically ill.

It started about 2 weeks ago with a parent who was upset about my global warming lessons. Now, it does not bother me that she has a different opinion than I do. And it does not bother me that she is very involved in her child's education. It makes me glad that she has values and want those values taught to her kid. The part that sucks is that, quite frankly, I do not have the time to deal with it. The marking period ends next week, I am up to my nose in assignments to grade (when I counted last night, I had 1100), and I bust my butt every day to create a high-school appropriate microbiology lesson from scratch based off of my college texts and notes, as well as scientific journal research papers that I read for information. It can take me 5 or 6 hours to make one of those lessons every day. And the other two? Answering emails, answering messages, doing a billion other little things like professional development or meetings or phone calls or whatever. I just simply do not have hours to spend discussing global warming with someone who is very philosophically different from me. Do I want to? Yes! Do I have time? No!

I pushed it off on the principal of our school, and I am glad I did. The day after this happened, I had to proctor PSSA tests in Philly for 2 days. 2 days of not working on my lessons. 2 days of not grading. 2 days of messages building up. Do you know where that put me when I got back to work on Thursday?

But let's not forget the PSSA dramarama...

A family of 3 girls, 2 of whom are special ed, are scheduled to test Tuesday afternoon. I had called them several times leading up to the test, without an avail. Tuesday afternoon comes. They do not show. Finally, I get in touch with mom, she says the older two are coming, the youngest is sick. Okay, fine. Waiting... waiting... 40 mins later, the eldest daughter calls. They are walking. And they are lost. Oh, and she is 4 months pregnant and has to pee.

Sigh.

Well, I told this 17-yr-old 8th grader (that's right!) to come tomorrow at 8 and they will get all of the testing done.

Wednesday, 8:15... not there. I call. No answer. I call at 9:30. 10:00. 10:30. 11:00. Not only was I calling the girl, but her mother. I send the girl a text because, hey, everyone answers texts. She responds - we are coming. Great, I say, when? Because I live an hour and 15 minutes from here and if I wait around for you to show up and you do not show, I am not going to be happy.

11:45, they show up. Fantastic, I am super happy. I tell them they are going to take the whole test today. Quite frankly, I am not sure if they will show up again if I let them leave. The eldest girl says, Oh, by the way, do you think you might be able to drive us home?

...

The next two hours were filled with being on the phone with school, being on the phone with mom, being on the phone with grandma. Mom and grandma do not have a car. The girls are to go to their aunts house and she will drive them 5 miles home. She texts that she is not doing it. Mom says, they are just going to have to walk home. 5 miles. Through West Philly. Oh really? Pregnant girl who is wearing slippers is supposed to walk 5 miles home???
The cousin is going to come get them. No, they are to walk to their uncle's house. No, the mom's boyfriend is coming to get them. No, he is not, it is the mom's boyfriend's dad... and oh, by the way, the girls have only met him once so they may not recognize him.

It gives me an ulcer re-telling it.

Meanwhile... the girl gets a cup of coffee. One of the women at the school says, aren't you not supposed to have caffeine? "Oh, my doctor says I can, but only one cup a day."
Later, she sees a friend and goes to bum a cigarette. This time, we all comment. "Actually, my doctor said that if I have been smoking for more than 2 years, that I should not just quit because the baby can go through withdrawl." OHHHHHhhh, guess this is modern medical wisdom I was not aware of.

The shame of it all is that this girl is stunningly beautiful. If she had grown up where I did, there is no way she would be in the situation she is in right now. It is amazing how where you live can really affect who you are. I am VERY thankful for my education, holy guacomole.

So, anyway, Thursday and Friday were rounded out with me back at work, working like a dog... while everyone else was sort of playing around, not really doing anything, or still out at PSSAs. How nice for everyone to get a vacation while I am staying late to get my lessons finished.

Meanwhile, on the home front, Jon and I have been, uh, renovating. We took apart our closet and added more racks and painted it... which took several late nights and a lot more time than we thought. We also have painted the bathroom... and caulked the tub... and we found some weird cracked area over the doorframe so that had to be sanded. It is in progress. But while this is going on, construction dust is everywhere (which, by the way, I am allergic to) and you can barely walk around without stepping on a tool.

Monday was nothing to report except me still working hard AND having to make an alternative assignment for the kid whose mom is on a global warming rampage. So I am supposed to take 3.5 hours worth of lessons and just throw something together for him? Another hour of my life used up to do that...
oh WAIT, it got even better... we got our taxes. FREAKIN AWESOME. Guess what? The hospital did not hold ANY federal taxes back for 2010! Thanks hospital! That means we owed 1450 dollars to the fed! Fantastic!!!! I really want to pay that right now! On top of that were a bunch of other bills, so I think I wrote maybe 7 or 8 checks to the tune of maybe $2000. GREAT.

Tuesday was even more lovely because I GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT.

I went to pay off Australia. And when I pulled into the parking lot, I thought to myself, "This parking lot really sucks, everyone drives fast and all of the parking spots are all over the place. Totally dangerous."
I pay off the trip (gulp, bye bye lots of money) and go back to my car. I am parked next to a big black suv on the driver's side with dark tinted windows. I am in my little mazda protege, so there is really just no way I am going to see around it. I do not have my phone. The radio is off. I look over my shoulders and check the mirrors. I slowly start to back out and make it maybe 2 ft out of the spot and BAM, my driver's side rear bumper connects with the back drivers side panel of her 98 subaru legacy. My first thought: You've got to be freaking KIDDING ME.
She is a little shaken up, or at least unsure. She calls her husband. We call the cops. We exchange info. I had a long conversation with her 6 yr old daughter, who was cute as a button. We shake hands, all seems fine except for the UGLY ft and a half long scratch and tiny dent on my back bumper. Fabulous. Just what I need to do this week.

I cry on the way home.

Wednesday, I get my period.

I call my insurance agent wednesday morning, because that is what the card thing tells me to do. The idiot tells me that before anything is recorded, I should get an estimate on the damage (if its less than our deductible, I do not want to make a claim, DUH I know that!)... and to call the lady I was in the accident with and see what she plans to do. WTF?! Isn't the insurance supposed to do that? I call her and let her know what he said to do, she said she had just talked with Progressive and they were going to call her back. I think I made her angry by calling. And I think she had no idea what to do either, she was deferring to her husband.
I talk to my dad later in the evening, he tells me the agent was stupid, I need to call Merchants. Oh, but wait, it is 7 and they are closed now.
Progressive calls and wants to chat. I call them back, leave a message. They call me back, I tell them I want to talk with Merchants first. They say that is fine, and I can call tomorrow (today).

I basically felt sick most of the day yesterday and could not do anything because if I did, I started feeling worse. So I had to leave Jon to work on the bathroom, which made me feel awful. No win situation, I guess.

Also yesterday, I call in to a meeting our science teachers are having about... you guessed it! Global warming!!!! The curriculum coordinator wants us to put together presentations for each other of the "sides" of global warming. I am on the "pro" side. And my team elected me information validator! BECAUSE I FREAKING HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Today...
Still feeling sick.
I call Merchants at 10. I call the office I thought I was supposed to (Buffalo). The lady says no, you are supposed to call Mount Laurel, but I will take down all the info and fax it to them. Great. Me: "Well, the damage is on her driver's side back panel" Lady in Buffalo: "Okay, so let me get this straight, the damage is on her back passenger's bumper." WTF??!?!??!?! REALLY?

Oh, and then she calls me Nicole.

3:15 - I call Mount Laurel to see if they go the report from Buffalo. Nope. Really, it has not been faxed over, I talked with them at 10 am? No. No fax here. AWESOME!
"Well, here is our fax number, send over the report"
"I do not have access to a fax machine."
"Oh, well, how about I give you an email?"
"Ummm, I do not have a scanner."
"..."
"..."
"How about I put you through to intake and they can take all of the information again."
"Okay"
and then I got put in to VOICEMAIL! Freaking voicemail. Really?

I take a shower. I get out of the shower and think to myself, she is going to call back while I am naked. She does.

"What happened?"
"Um, did you get the fax of the report?"
"I have the report."
"You do.......? The lady earlier said you never got it."
"Oh, it is right here, I have not looked at it yet."
".....Oh, okay, I am glad it made it to you."
"So tell me what happened."

AGAIN?! Really? Because let's see, I have already told it to... the police man, Jon, my mom, my dad, my brother, the agency office, the lady in buffalo (like twice), and now you? And I am going to have to tell it to Progressive later? Great.

So I tell her.

She says, well, it is your fault.

OH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! So despite the fact that I am an extraordinarily good driver (1 fender bender in 2005 which was not really my fault bc a lady started pulling out on to the highway and stopped short, 2006 one ticket for rolling a stop sign one mile away from my house at 11:30 at night after working at the hospital), and I clearly was doing everything I should to be a cautious driver, and the fact that she was a) going too fast (it took her 6 parking spaces to stop) AND b) was driving too close to my side of the aisle (I only was 2 ft out of the parking spot), you are just going to tell me point blank it is my fault. THANKS LADY. Way to put the cherry on top of my already super rainbows and kittens day.

And did I mention my f-ing PERIOD?!?!?!?!

And that is snowed this morning? Snow. It is practically the end of March. GO AWAY.

So. All that being said, I realize I am a very lucky girl. My thoughts really are going out to the people of Egypt / Libya / New Zealand / Japan. My life is nowhere near the hell that all of those people are going through on a daily basis. I am thankful for my loved ones and my usually spectacular life.

But if we could, say, get back to normal, I would really appreciate it.

Time flies...

2011-02-22T12:47:00.005-05:00

Well, it has been quite some time since I have written. I should not be shocked by this, but quitting the hospital has actually made my life more busy. The only difference is now I am (mostly) doing things that I actually WANT to do.

Since my last post (which was my last night at the hospital), a number of things have happened...

1. We bought a new car. It was sort of random. We had been talking about it for awhile, though Jon thought the process would take a good 6 to 9 months with us trudging out every few weekends to test drive a new car. I think his notion of car hunting involved a large spreadsheet comparing prices and stuff. Well, I made a spreadsheet of the cars we were sort of looking at, their prices, and the mpg. And then it sort of went to the wind.
Our friend Bill had semi-jokingly offered to buy Jon's car from us. He used to have a tC but it got majorly crunched in New York City and he had been living without a car for several months. A bit hard when you need to commute from New York to Philly for a job. Bill loved his tC and his OCD really helped us out in this case because he really wanted the same car badly. He even told us he would offer us the blue book price on it.
We had mentioned to my parents that we were kind of looking and my dad told us to head over to a particular dealership where he had worked with the manager several times. He called the guy and the guy told him flat out that it was year end and he needed to sell just a few more cars to pad his books. We headed over.
We first drove the Honda CR-V. The salesman there was very nice and handed us the keys and told us to take off in it. My kind of salesman! So we drove it. The seats were hard and the ride was a bit bumpy. It was louder than I prefer, and that was a complaint I always had about the tC. I am not very good at hearing stuff when there are a lot of competing noises. Road noise, in particular, seems to clog up my brain in such a way that I have to blast music or talk really loudly to really hear what is going on. So anyway, the CR-V was fine and it rode very similar to my old Jeep Cherokee. Fun to drive and all, but not quite what we were looking for.
We then headed over to the Subaru part of the Automall. We first took out the Forrester... along with 2 salesguys. It was certainly nicer than the CR-V with a bit of a smoother ride. You could tell, however, that it was built for utility. The front and area between the front seats was relatively open. There was not anything necessarily bad about it, but it did have a bumpier ride (less than the CR-V, but still bumpy). The seats were more comfy. Still, it just did not feel like what we were looking for.
THEN we took out the Outback. I pretty much realized that even if we left the dealership and looked at the other cars on our list, we were going to end up buying this one. However, it took Jon another 2 hours or so to decide this is what we were going to do. And that is okay... I mean, it was HIS car we were giving up.
It was decided though, and we have been thankful ever since. Hello winter snow!!! We have been very happy to have the outback. It is really great! The ride is smooth, the seats warm themselves, it is quiet, there is lots of room for hauling stuff. The gas mileage is still not what I would like it to be, but we can usually eek out between 24 and 26 mpg. We just took it to Maine this weekend and it was really wonderful. So wonderful, in fact, that I slept for 2 hours on the way home!
We were lucky though... they offered us a fair deal. Our friend bought Jon's car. We had money saved up that we were able to put down on it. Our payments have ended up being pretty reasonable. Yay for us!

2. Jon turned 30. I held a surprise party for him that ended up being about 40 people strong with about 6 little kids as well. What we really cool for me was the variety of people that were there. We had d-town people, work people, altoona people, project people... it was just a really nice mix and I think everyone had a good time.
To get Jon out of the house, we had down our awesome friends D&S&D from Brooklyn. I told Jon that I had bought us tickets to see the Green Hornet in IMAX 3D before I knew that they were coming... so instead, he could go with D and I could stay home with S&D and have some girl/baby time. He gladly accepted and we rushed to get stuff ready. Jon is not exactly the most expressive of people when it comes to emotion. Do not get me wrong, he feels things deeply, but he does not really SHOW it. So yes, he was surprised. And it was good. :)

3. The twins were born. Jon's sister and brother-in-law had their twins on January 10th. They were alllllmost full term, though they had to stay in the hospital for about a week. Since then, it has been a rotating babysitting service up in NH with the parents pitching in to help. Jon and I finally went up last weekend and were able to visit and meet them. They were good! I know our relatives are feeling rather run-down and overwhelmed, but from our perspective, they were handling everything just great. It was rather impressive.

4. I have managed to stay on my gluten-free, dairy-free diet. Okay, so it is not TOTALLY gluten- and dairy-free, but I have drastically reduced my intake of both. I can say a few things about it... I did lose about 10 lbs. I am not sure if this was because right before I started the diet, I had the flu and then had my period, and was generally miserable, or what. But I lost it back in November and it has actually stayed gone. I cannot say it because I am not eating or anything, because I am. But I am now at this new weight. It is still kind of strange to me and I am not sure how I feel about it. I have been the same weight since high school - 12 years ago. And, yes, I had a bit of a chunky phase when I lived in Philly (because all I did was eat pasta, mmm! and be stressed out, boo!), but other than that, I have always floated between 125 and 130. And I am okay with that. Being at almost 5 ft 5, it puts me smackdab in the middle of the normal weight range according to my bmi. Right now, I am sticking at 117-118 and it just sort of strange. I feel BAD for saying that, because I know a lot of people would be really happy to be the weight I am. I am still in the normal weight range, just on the lower end. Think of it this way, though: I have been the same weight for all of my adult life and suddenly I am not. It makes me wonder if this is the weight I should be at or whether I should be up where I was. Either is totally fine for me, and it is hard to explain why it feels a bit uncomfortable, but it just IS. I do not want to seem like I am trying to draw attention to myself, but a lot of people have asked me if I have lost weight. The answer is yes, and it is weird. Should I be happy? I don't really know because I am not sure if I am healthy or not.
Anyway, other than the weight loss, I have noticed that I have more energy and I am sleeping better at night and not waking up to pee. Those are definitely good things. As far as my period goes... well, I can let you know later this week. Since I started the diet, I have only had my period once. This week will make it twice. Now last time, things were actually better. This time, I am not sure yet. It is taking it's sweet time coming after I took the ring out... so I am kind of like, what is going on down there? I am trying to stay positive and hopeful. Again, I am incredibly thankful that my school allows me to work from home on these days because the thought of sitting in my cubicle at work today is my idea of torture. Fingers crossed!

4. Turkey Wow VI is in the works for the end of March. I am not totally thrilled with planning it, but it has to happen, and we do enjoy it. I just feel like there is a lot of my plate, so I am not super sure I am ready to add this. Ahh well. Bring on the turkey and gluten-free stuffing!

5. We have not gone back to teaching bible study yet. The church has been a source of frustration on that side of the family for some time. The pastor, to be blunt, is NOT cut out for pastoring. His sermons rarely make sense (he tries to tie several stories together and make a point, but he never is able to do it), he is a slacker (they had to ask him to actually hold more office hours because he was only doing it once a week), and he communicates via email instead of actually talking to people. He also is very sneaky and goes behind people's backs. I have disliked him from day 1. Why they chose him is beyond me.
There have also been some issues with the youth ministry. No one in the church really wants to work with the youth, particularly the junior high set. I don't know why... because they are really fantastic kids. The guy who is working with the high school group is REALLY shady and he ignores the fact that the hs kids just try to argue with him for the sake of arguing because they do not respect him one lick. It does not take a seasoned teacher to see that. He also has a lot of "convenient" stories. Now, I believe God makes things happen... but this guy is a little too slick for me. What I feel deep down is that he is someone who was a troubled kid, became born again, and is trying so hard to cover up his unhappiness at himself, that he is FORCING the God stuff not only on the kids but actually on his own person... when deep down he is just not a settled person. And that, sir, is my FBI profile of you.
Recently we got word that the hs kids were bullying OUR kids for believing in God. Really? You want to make me give you smack down? Because I totally will. Our jr high kids are super awesome and they are struggling to figure out what they believe. Inside though, they want to believe, and I think many of them do. So when their older brothers and sisters are mocking them, it really makes me want to punch them. I cannot help but think this is partially the fault of the guy working with them. Since he is constantly at odds with them, the kids are just really really angry. I wish I could step in, but I am not sure I can. Maybe? Hopefully?
There are also two families who have seen the deficit in this church and have stepped in to make things go their way. And I applaud them for stepping up. The only problem is that their way is not really in line with the views of the church. I strongly feel that if you are going to teach (especially youth) in a church, then you should teach what the church views, even if it is at odds with your personal thoughts. There is nothing wrong with saying you have your own thoughts on the matter, but your job is to extend the will of the church, not extend your own agenda.
Meanwhile, Jon and I have been struggling with the example we set to our kids. As you can probably tell, I have NO interest in attending any service run by the current pastor. I get nothing out of it. But it is important for those kids to see us attending and learning and being part of the church community. So how do you balance that? How do you set a good example but at the same time, not be a total fake and liar? We don't know. Any suggestions would be helpful. We feel sometimes like we are the only sane people at that church who have the kids in mind and are not working our own agendas. So do we leave those kids to their fate and find a church we believe in? Or do we work with those kids and try to figure out how to set an honest example?

So I think this is probably enough for now... I am sure there is much more going on, but I need a break!

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T17:36:00.002-05:00

This week has been fascinating, to say the least. Actually, it has been really great... here is the recap:

Christmas Eve ~ worked at the hospital
Christmas Day ~ slept over the in-laws, did presents, ate breakfast, went to my parents, did presents, ate dinner, got a relatively upsetting email, family cheered me up, went home, did presents with Jon, crashed
Sunday ~ worked at the hospital, slept over my parent's house because of the snow
Monday ~ hung out at home all day with the family since it was Chris' last day. Played scrabble, helped mom whoop everyone's butt
Tuesday ~ went to see Tron with friends. It was GREAT, loved it, adding it to my (short) list of movies that I will always watch when they eventually show on tv. The list: Hackers and anything based on books by Jane Eyre.
Wednesday ~ talked with said friend of the last post, who sent me the upsetting email. After three hours, came to a better understanding of each other, but we will see how things work out. Regardless, I am determined not to let her make me sick with stress anymore. We shall see. That night, she invited me to Longwood Gardens. I said yes, since it was maybe the first time shes ever asked me outright to do anything in the 3 years we have been friends. Did that. After, went to the mall at 8:30 at night, got bath mats and curtain tie backs. Met up with other friends at quizzo. Lost horribly. Went to bed at midnight.
Thursday ~ said friend's birthday, took her to see Black Swan. I was disappointed. I have high standards for mental movies and I want them to all be as mind-blowing as Sliding Doors, Memento, and the first time you saw The Sixth Sense (supposing someone did not spoil the ending). There was way too much pointless masturbating. Yeah, I get it, shes so frigid, but if someone told me to go home and play with myself, I would probably kick them. Also, she must have REALLY been in the mood to get into it that much. Oh bravo bravo, lots of men are going to vote to give you an oscar Ms. Portman. I, however, will not. Oh, and thanks for making out with Mila Kunis, that was necessary too. Lest you think I am against such forms of sexuality in movies, I assure you that its not just the self and female variety... I hate gratuitous sex scenes of ANY and ALL ilk when they are basically unnecessary to the movie. They could have done a lot more if they had not wasted screen time on that bs.
Anyway, after that I went to Josh's to watch Dr. Who for the first time. The newest incarnation, not the old school. My thoughts? Not bad. I would watch it if it was randomly on. Not sure I would proactively seek it out and set the dvr, but a good diversion.
Friday ~ New Years Eve... a relative bust, but I liked it. We cleaned the upstairs in the early afternoon. In the evening we were supposed to head back to Josh's, but my stomach was being a bit odd. In fact, it is continuing to be a bit odd right now, which I am not amused about... anyway, I stayed home and Jon went. He got home right before the ball dropped.
Today ~ Not much happened today. We watched the parades and I took a shower just as Josh and Bill showed up to watch the Outback bowl. PSU vs FSU? Shrug. Unimportant. :) So here I am at work...

In summary, it has been a long long week and I am not anticipating going back to school. But all good vacations come to an end...

Happy New Year.

By the way, my resolution is to keep my stress as low as possible. We will see how that goes! ;)

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T19:39:00.002-05:00

Well here it is, Christmas Eve. The past 2 weeks have been interesting for me... Not only have I resigned from the hospital, but I also decided to embark on a gluten-free and (mostly) dairy-free diet. I also cu 7 inches off my hair and decided to divest my consciousness of as much stress as possible.

I am sure that it sounds like a mid-life crisis... but it isn't.

Essentially, I decided that I was way too stressed out for an almost-30-yr-old and that I was not enjoying life as much as I ought. I mean, I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a nice house, good friends, a stable income... there was no reason for me to be all Eeyore all the time, and that was what I was feeling like.

The resignation:
It went well. My boss was like yeah, that is cool, whatever. She was totally not shocked or upset or really showed any feeling at all besides telling me that sounded like a good idea given my situation. My co-workers here have been quite supportive, most of them saying things like, "You are too young to work so hard" and "If you do not HAVE to work, why would you?!"
Do I feel relief yet? Well, not quite. I do not think it will hit until later in January when I start having some free weekends. I am at work tonight. Then I have Sunday and New Years Day, then it is over. It is incredibly strange to think I will be gone from here because, in some ways, its been somewhat of a home to me. Working here is like forced "down time". I have singular focus here and it slows my mind down from thinking of the million things I need to do. In many ways, the straightforwardness of this job has been a little oasis for me. My task is simple: I get blood, I test it, I made slides, I read it, I result it. There is no need for me to organize my own time, I am not distracted by meetings or children, and I get a lot of time to sit in read. Not a bad thing. But as I lay in bed earlier today, I could not help but think how much I did not want to go on Christmas Eve and I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and cuddle and read.... soon, soon.

The diet:
As I have written before, I have been doing quite a bit of reading on endometriosis and my research has driven me to investigate nutrition as a treatment. So far, so good? I guess??? It is actually not *that hard* to give up gluten. But it means not really eating out and reading lots of labels. It also means doing your own baking and spending more money than you usually would on food.
Is it working? Heck if I know. I may NOT know until I get my period next time. I can say this -the transition has been interesting for my intestines. Not to get gross, but there is some strange stuff going on down there. Jon has been eating more gluten free stuff too, and it is doing the same stuff to him. Let's just say that we are really lucky that we can talk about poop together and are not afraid to fart in front of each other. I can't imagine a marriage working otherwise!
I guess the good thing about it is that if my next period is great, then I will know this is working for me and I should keep it up. And if it does not work, I can dive right back into a huge pile of bread, biscuits, cookies, and cheese. I think that if there is not some amazing transformation, I will probably continue on it and become even more militant about it and see what happens.
By the way, I am utterly convinced that there is NO good substitute for real cheese. I had thought that the gluten side of this would be difficult... I was wrong, it is the dairy. I am not a big milk drinker, so switching to almond has been easy. I got a box (shudder) of hemp milk to try out to see if that is any good. But the cheese... ohhhh the cheese.... I have been really good and not eaten any but HOLY GUACOMOLE do the cheese substitutes suck. I have only tried a few kinds (its expensive to keep trying new ones, gag on them, and throw the rest away). Quite seriously, even my CAT will not eat the fake cheese... and she eats stink bugs.
Tomorrow should be interesting. For Christmas we are having turkey and all of the trimmings. But as I mentally view the menu I think- no stuffing, no bread, no gravy, no cookies, no ice cream, no pie. :/
Basically they recommend a gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, and red meat free diet. So..... yeah. Again, it has not been tough except for that freaking dairy. And sugar. Who can really give up sugar? In good news though, I made gluten-free dairy-free chocolate chip cookies today, and they are good. Like, really good. But then again, theres 3/4 a cup of white sugar and 3/4 cup of brown sugar in it, how could it not be good? :)

The hair:
Awhile back I was used as a "model" for a salon education class on consultations. They were teaching their stylists how to meet new customers and talk to them about their hair. I think I presented quite a challenge for them when I went in and told them I had not gotten my hair cut in over a year, I do not own a blow dryer or a brush, I never use "product", and if I cannot walk out of the house with my hair wet and feel confident it will look acceptable later, it will not do. :) So I went for my haircut and she actually did a really nice job. She also gave me shampoo and conditioner that I really like AND gave me "product" I can actually use. And my hair smells good all freaking day. That actually reminds me of being younger. I always just used whatever shampoo was around. I had an affinity for Herbal Essences (when it first came out) but it made my skin break out so I had to stop using it. Anyway, my hair would smell great in the shower and then just smell like hair for the rest of the day. I was always jealous of girls who would walk by and you would get a whiff of their hair. Is that strange? But now that is ME and I thoroughly enjoy getting surprise little aromas from my hair. Stupid, probably, but it's the small pleasures in life...

Divesting:
I have a friend who stresses me out. And I can write about it because I know she does not read this blog. Even if I gave her the name of the blog, she would not read it, because she would feel it was an invasion of privacy, even if I told her she could and invited her to do it. If, some day, she DOES read this, then I would assume our friendship was in a position that this post would not matter anymore. Let's hope, because that is what I would really like.
Anyway, she is the cause of quite a bit of stress in my life. We were, in essence, best friends, even if she would not admit it. She is a difficult person to be friends with. She is very up and down with her emotions, incredibly private, stubborn, and in general likes to be ornery. But it was worth it to deal with that because she's actually quite passionate, intelligent, caring, loving, and sensitive, even though you had to crack her shell to see it. As I said, it was worth it to me, because she is a great person, and very different from a lot of people I know. In many ways, personally challenging, which can be good and bad, but mostly good.
But then something happened. And I am not really sure WHAT happened... but I think it was a combination of things. School started and was awful for us both. I could not be supportive of her because I was barely keeping myself afloat... she did not want to admit she was in a bad spot, so I did not know, having so much trouble myself. Nan died. My mind was consumed with school and supporting my mom and working at the hospital and trying to get everything done... I did not talk to anyone! It was misread as dislike. She was such a girl about it (you know what I mean), and I was probably "my father" and felt like it was making a mountain out of a molehill. Hormones were in play. Emotions were in play. I felt like if she were my close friend, she would try to support me. She probably felt like I should push everything aside and support her. Neither of us could.
And now? Now I just do not know. She made a nasty face at me in the hall the other week. She avoids my gaze at all costs. She never speaks to me, and I have given up trying to talk to her after working incredibly hard just to get a yes or a no out of her. At our little Christmas gathering of work friends, she avoided me all night, did not even thank me for the amazing present that I and two of her other "friends" put together. And it is not just me... she is treating everyone poorly, but me most of all. But then as I left work yesterday, she was actually eating lunch with the girls (which she has not done in months) and actually accepted a cookie from me and said more than one word. It almost made me think that suddently things had changed again. Truthfully, I can forgive and forget. She is not really the type. Because of this, she has trouble truly believing that I would just forgive and forget. If we could just talk and get past this...
So what to do? As I said... I have to divest. For better or worse, I need to get my own act together, and as much as my instinct is to push and push and not let her go and try to worm my way into her mind and figure out what is going on and see if I can help her fix whatever issues she is working through right now.... I just can't. And I think she takes that as something against her, but it isn't. I cannot support anyone right now, regardless of who they are. All of these changes I am making are to help me get healthy. Stress makes me physically ill. Mentally, I am totally fine! But physically, I am not well. And to do that, I have to get rid of everything that causes me stress. And that includes her. I would not say "for good". I am just not like that. But attempting to save our friendship has to go on a shelf right now. I do not have the strength to fight for BOTH of us, and she has made it quite clear that she will not be coming to me any time soon to resolve things. I am strong, and in many ways, my tenacity has seen our friendship through quite a few misunderstandings, but it is just too much right now. Is that admitting weakness? I am not sure. I want to think I can handle everything at once and sometimes I think of myself like one of those plate-spinning people... but I guess everyone has a limit, and I am at mine. Either that, or I am reaching a new plateau in maturity. It is hard to admit that I have to stop anything, or that I cannot handle everything. But I can't. And I cannot ignore how poorly she has been treating me and I cannot pretend nothing is wrong and I cannot keep trying when it feels like continuously running my head into a brick wall.
I guess the best way to describe what I am doing is just putting it on a shelf. Literally I have been physically ill with the stress of dealing with this friendship because it is such a rollercoaster. So right now, I am stepping off the rollercoaster, going to go on a nice relaxing ride on the swings, hit up the lazy river, and when I feel better, maybe I will try getting back on. If she is there and willing, great. If she is not, then at least I did not waste my precious time working on the impossible.

I do feel in some ways that this is a time of growing up for me. Again, NOT a mid-life crisis... but a re-evaluation of what I really want in my life. Fortunately, I am really decisive, and this has not been as hard on me as it might for others. My path is usually laid pretty clear and I trust my instincts. I have a lot of things to look forward to... I intend to join back up with Reverb. Not singing is like missing a piece of my soul. Jon's birthday is coming, and we have some weekend plans already. My little niece and nephew twins are coming soon, and we are planning to spend time with them. I intend to spend spring break in Tampa with my brother. I am considering taking yoga again or joining the Y. We are hosting Turkey Wow IV this year. Good things are coming. And if I can loosen this knot in my stomach, I will enjoy them all the more, so that is the goal.

Thoughts? :)

What gives?

2010-12-11T20:43:00.002-05:00

Very clearly, something needs to change.

I have definitely felt this way before in stressful times, particularly when it comes to big decisions. The last time I felt this way was definitely before I quit my first teaching job halfway through the year. It was a gut-wrenching decision to leave those kids in the middle of the year, but once I did it, I felt instant relief. That makes me think I should just do it.

What is it?

Well, I really must figure out what to do about my secondary job.

It is a point of pride for me that I have been working at the hospital for 7 years. I am especially proud of being a med tech, of passing my boards, of doing work that is underappreciated but crucial nontheless. On top of it, I actually like working here. I like the people. I like hematology. I like knowing what the numbers mean. I like being the one people go to for medical advice, even if they really should not be coming to me at all!!! I like having my fingers in this pie (even if it sounds dirty) because it is a VERY lucrative job, especially on the weekends.

But I am so stressed out.

I feel like the time has come to examine the possibilities and figure out how to optimize my enjoyment out of life. Right now, and for the past few months, it has not been all that enjoyable. I think it is a combination of three things: school, hospital, & endometriosis.

I cannot really control school. It is what it is. I have too many students, and that probably will not change. I have a new course to write in the spring, and that will not change. I have professional development to do, self-improvement to do, and am constantly evaluated. I have the Keystone exams looming over my shoulder in the Spring, which (at this point) about half of my students will fail. There is little I can do to change those things except to keep working, keep juggling the load, and keep pressing forward as best I can.

I cannot control the endometriosis. It is painful. It causes me stress daily. In the previous post, I wrote about trying a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. I am. And that is about all I can do to try to manage the endo. So I am going to do that, but it requires that I spend time being very considerate of my diet and prepare my own food. I can do this. But I need some time.

So we come to the hospital... At the hospital, I bring home an extra $10,000 every year after taxes. It is a sweet deal. But when I have a work weekend coming up, I dread it. I hate the time away from doing things I actually want to do, and I have to ask myself: is it really worth it?

This is the crossroads I am at: do I stay or do I go? What reprocussions will it have?

I know that there are a lot of different scenarios, so bear (bare?) with me as I flesh them out...

1. Nothing changes
- If nothing changes, then I will still feel the same unless I can change something else. I already got rid of singing this past semester, which is practically like telling my cat sorry, you cannot drink out of the faucet anymore. It makes her relatively unhappy and I have missed singing certainly. The bonus side ot nothing changes is that I still continue to make mucho dinero. For the past year, I have saved every penny from this job and it is paying for our trip to Australia. So yeah. If nothing changes, its nice in that respect because we will go on our trip and then probably get preggers and buy a car when we get home because we CAN afford it.

2. I quit the hospital
- Since I am going to be buying and making more specialized food, we will be spending a bit more there. J & I have discussed what this means for our family monetarily, and it means considering a true budget. We have lived quite comfortably so far without much regard to spending. Fortunately, we are totally cheap and do not often go crazy. It has been lovely though to go out to an expensive dinner with friends, or a weekend away, and not stress over it. We think though that this will still be possible so long as we are looking at our daily spending. Doing some carpooling to work, making sure that we are PACKING our lunches daily, without fail. I think we can do this. In the long run, we DO need to get moving on a family and we WILL need a new car.
- There are some other things to consider here. The main one being that my school currently owes me one whopper of a bonus for the past 2 years of working there. If I can procure that bonus, then working at the hospital is not going to matter... that money will make up for it. But will I get it? Can I get it? Well, maybe. But that makes me feel better about quitting if I can get that money or will get it in the relative future.
- New jobs... I am crossing my fingers and trying to work an angle to get into a new school next year. No promises, but I really am perfect for it, so hopefully that will work out and I will be making enough to cover my loss at the hospital. J, in the meantime, is going to keep looking, hopefully with a little more vigor, since we have major plans for 2011 (Australia, car, baby). If we both got paid what we actually would get paid in a normal company, it would more than make up for this part time job.

3. Scenario 3 is a tricky one.... I always thought I would quit the hosiptal when we had a child. And no, we are not pregnant, so that means I have to wait maybe even another YEAR til that happens. But I have considered the possibility of taking a sabatical from school and being a stay at home mom and working at the hospital. It makes sense. I would work every other weekend and be home with *it* all week. And we could do it. We really could do it with J's job and my pay here... it would mean even MORE budgeting, but its truly a possibility. Yet when I consider that a) we are not going to even try to start a family til after Australia and b) I would be pregnant (hopefully) for quite a few months... this seems like a long shot. It almost seems worth it to quit now and then if we WANT to do something like this, to check back and see if there is a position open.

4. The other scenario is that I attempt to talk my way into making this even more part time. For almost 2 years I worked only on Sats. I might be able to talk my way into that kind of situation again, but I might not. I got a pretty huge guilt trip about my previous arrangement, even though other people also work JUST sats or JUST suns. I might have to find someone to take the Sundays if that is the case. The problem is that this is a gossip mill, just like any other company, so if I start poking around for someone to split the position with me, it will invariably get around to the supers. I could try to pre-empt that and talk with them first? But at this point, I am not even sure that is what I WANT. Do I really want to still give up my Sats? Is that even a compromise??? I am not sure it is.

In some ways, I almost feel greedy keeping this job. Despite the fact that I really enjoy working here, in the end, it is about the money. When I think about how this job makes me *feel*, it does not seem worth it. Why the stress? I know I have complained about it before, but not everyone always understands.
I feel like we do not have friends because every time someone wants to do something, we are busy, or we have to check our schedule to see if I am working.
Every *important* holiday, I work. This year, Christmas Eve and New Years Day.
I feel like my house is a mess. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen, but we rushed out leaving dirty pans in the sink. We are working on our toilets, so right now there is an old toilet seat sitting by the front door. EVERYTHING is dusty. In the basement, we have furniture to get rid of and laundry and Christmas stuff all over the place. In the upstairs bathroom, Jon has it half torn apart and there are tools all over. Pictures are sitting ont he ground everywhere waiting to be hung. The office has a year's worth of reciepts that need to be sorted and filed. And I feel like I only have 4 days a month to do this stuff. When I work, Jon relaxes... and seriously, I do not deny him that time, he needs downtime and friendtime just like I do. So when we have a "free" weekend, I get really anxious because theres so much stuff that I should be doing, that I cannot actually spend time with friends and family without thinking about it. It sucks.

I think back to when I was temporarily "fired" from the hospital. It was for 4 months: jan - april of 2009. It was glorious. I felt so pleased. I could get stuff done. We could see our friends. We could sing. We could go away places. I did not have to plan my entire social life around this stupid part time job. And maybe that is the biggest part of it... that every single extra-curricular plan seems to revolve around working at the hospital.

I also have to figure out what changed though. Yes, I was always annoyed that I had to work on the weekends and miss out on the "fun stuff". But for a long time, I only worked Sats. That was do-able. I believe it was when I got re-hired that April and had to work both Sat and Suns that this stopped being fun.

Ultimately though, I need a change, and leaving might be the change I need. When I look back on my life and my time (especially on my marriage to Jon when it was just US), I want to remember it as fun and healthy and full of friends and good memories. Right now, I do not have that. I have been sick due to stress, and isolated due to having little time to goof off.

So I guess it almost sounds like my decision is made.... I just wish someone out there could confirm that it is the right one and that ultimately that money will not matter and that we will still be able to have the flexibility the money this job brings.

Anyone? Anyone???

The Never Ending Endo Battle

2010-12-08T14:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I am working from home today. And tomorrow. I finally got up enough balls to ask my school if I could work from home when I get my period. Talk about incredibly embarrassing. First I wrote a very passionate email to our HR director explaining to him the details of my condition. It has not been as much of an issue until this point because before, I could work from home whenever I wanted... and then I was on Lupron, so I did not have my period for a long time... but now that my body is kind of back to it's horrible self, here I am, feeling ill. I explained to him that its incredibly stressful to worry about when my period is going to come and then knowing that I HAVE to go to school because a) I gotta get work done and b) I do not want to use sick days (because I would still work at home due to necessity). I plead my case and explained that I had been a solid, responsible employee for 5 years, and that this privilege is not something I would abuse.

SO... the HR guy (cringe) edited all medical stuff out of the email and sent something to our principal. HE called me into his office. I do not feel shamed telling people about endo and how it affects me, but it is emotional. I began to explain to him the situation and welled up with tears. Not sure if THAT is what convinced him, but he said I could have days as I needed them. There were two caveats: 1) that I would fill out FMLA forms with my doctor that said I needed to be home and 2) I just need to say "as per our conversation" when I request the time. THAT is what I find embarrassing - like I want him to know each and every time I have my period!!!

But oh well. He has 4 little girls, so he is going to have to get used to period talk in a couple of years anyway.

Last night, I was not sure if I was going to get it TODAY or not, but I decided it was likely, so I asked to work from home for today and tomorrow. Good thing I did. Around 10am I got the tell-tale punch in the gut followed by a wave of nausea that always kicks things off. But I am so glad to be home. I cannot explain how much it has lowered my stress level, and therefore, lessened some of the pain of what I will deal with over the next 48 hours. Uh, it could be the excessive use of advil as well.... but I really do believe that lowering my stress level helps.

So that brings me to today's research: the endometriosis diet. Dear LORD, help me please!!! The endo diet eliminates the following: wheat, sugar, diary, & red meat. Of course it does!!! I was sick all last week and the only stuff that was staying in my body was BREAD and DAIRY. I eat more carbs and cheese than anyone else I know. But I guess I am willing to try. At this point, I might as well, right? But it is daunting... I barely cook for myself now, so to really carve out this time to make special food focused on fruits, veggies, and non-wheat stuff, is scary. I downloaded an ebook with a lot of recipes, but a lot of them were for drinks. Since I have no problem just drinking water all the time, this is not a big deal for me. But when I think of lunch (sandwiches), I have to do a little reconsideration. How will I substitute? Will it be hard? I think this is do-able: just use non-wheat tortilla wraps. Yeah, I can do that. And breakfast... I do love me some cereal... but there ARE other cereals out there, I just have to do some hunting. Dinner will be the tough one, but I think if I buy more veggies ( and commit myself to actually making them ) and pick up some more brown rice and quinoa.... maybe I can do it. I really have to pep myself up for this, because losing convenience and flexibility is tough. I think the worst part for me is snacks. I eat a lot of granola bars... hello sugar! Sometimes they even have flour in it. But there are a few whole foods places around here, they have to have SOME substitute, right? I can also eat rice cakes, which I actually really love.

Okay, so I am already feeling a bit better about this having written out my thoughts. Just small substitutions. And do I have to totally eliminate all that other stuff? Maybe not. Maybe if I just cut it way back it will help?

But I am really confused - why aren't there more people out there who promote this or know about it or could help me accomplish this? Why aren't there doctors who say this works? When so many people are having good results, why is it not promoted more? It is disconcerting.

So I guess I will see how it goes and try to chronicle things here as I can. I remember when I was younger and I barely knew I had my period. I remember having no pain and no problems. And then it all changed. Why did it? I don't know. But it was a stark change. I hope that maybe I can have another stark change and go back to feeling healthy. :/

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T20:57:00.005-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you out there in cyber land.

There are many things I am thankful for this year, though I have finally admitted to myself that one of the things I should be happy about is sort of making me miserable: having two jobs.

And since (I think) no one I work with at the hospital reads this thing, I guess I can write about it here.

First of all, I have been quite thankful that I can moonlight as a medical technologist. It put me through 2 years of full time grad school to get certified to teach. (Well, that and the fact that my parents did not kick me out!) My job here (literally, since I am here right now) has been quite flexible as well, allowing me to plan my own wedding and attend 13 others in 2008. When I need off, I usually get it, as long as I plan in advance. And, let's face it, I get paid a lot. But come on, anyone who works Sat and Sun nights from 3 to 11 pm deserves to make a lot of dinero. When all is said and done, I bring home $1000 every month after taxes. Not too shabby for 4 shifts of work. (You do the math.)

Such extra income has allowed us to take our honeymoon, go to Alaska, and is paying for our upcoming trip to Australia in the summer. It paid for my trip to China. It means when I need a new pair of jeans, I can get them. It means never having to wonder if we really ought to spend a heart-stopping $22 bucks to see a movie in the theatre. It means that when my parents want to eat at a fancy place, we can easily afford our own plates. It means that as I shop for Christmas presents, I stick to a budget because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to. It also means that we can donate money to organizations we support.

It seems incredibly selfish of me to want to give it up. But geez, I am so so tired of it.

I am sure I have written about the trials and tribulations of having 2 jobs before, but I feel like it has been awhile, and for some reason, it is really getting to me this holiday season.

I had off for Thanksgiving, and I had off yesterday, but here I am spending my Sat and Sun nights of what should be a long weekend working. Okay, yes, it is really slow and I have already read 3 magazines and after writing this will dig into Towers of Midnight (Jordan & Sanderson, Nov 2010), but that is not the point. I am cold - scrubs are paper thin - and I am wearing a white long sleeve t shirt under a grey flannel long sleeve t shirt under my scrub top under a fleece zip up accompanied by a scarf, hat, and ski socks. Hotness. But I say that to bring me to my next point... what I would rather be doing is spending time with friends and family, possibly by a nice roaring fire. It is a holiday, darn it, and that is what I SHOULD be doing.

But here I sit.

And I am sorry if I sound totally selfish and like an undeserving brat. I have been working here since I was 22, and it gets taxing after awhile to always have a second job. No one seems to really understand what it is like because, frankly, almost NO ONE I know has a second job. Not to say that their primary jobs pay a lot and so they do not need a job, but no one else has made the choice like I have to pursue two careers at the same time. I think Les is one of the few who gets it, as she has been doing work and school and being a wifey all at the same time... but we are both so busy, we barely have time to comisserate! ;) As my friends become parents, they are starting to see how exhausting it is to have 2 jobs... I am sure even more so because at least I only have to come to this one every other weekend. For a long time, I worried that people thought I was just a bad friend because I had this job... and certainly some did. Is it my fault that I cannot have dinner with you on Sat because I am working? Well, yes and no. It IS a choice, and it is one that I choose to continue. But can you be mad at someone who chooses to make money so that they can have flexibility in other areas of their lives? I would think as much as you can be mad at someone for wanting a family and needing to spend time doing the parenting thing. You just can't.

I know why I used to do it (to pay for my education, to keep my lab skills up in case I sucked as a teacher, the money), but I am not sure now why I continue to do it. Why do I still choose this?

To be totally honest, I think the decision we made to *wait* to have a kid sort of threw off my grand plan for life. We were going to start the family stuff last summer. I would be pregnant by now, and I would be leaving the hospital soon. I always sort of mentally planned to work here and save money until we had a kid, even if it meant giving up other things like, oh, a life, and, possibly sanity. These days though, my sanity is starting to seem a lot more important than the money.

I read an article some time ago that said most people were happier when they took short vacations relatively frequently - a long weekend here and there - and maybe one larger trip once a year. People who did the blow out long vacation were not as satisifed with it. The reason? Because vacations fall into a pattern... the excitement leading up to it, the day you get there which is thrilling, then you have a sort of let down for a day or two, then you come home and you are excited to sleep in your own bed again. Taking long vacations screws up the emotional arc.

Right now, I would love just to have my weekends back. I am positively giddy over the idea that next weekend, I do not work, I do not have Sunday School, and I do not have Reverb. As of this moment, the only obligation I have is one I want to have - going to a craft show Sat morning with my mom. But the thing is, when I start thinking about, I start filling my weekend with stuff I *need* to do. Like clean. And grocery shop. And wrap presents. And buy a Christmas tree. And take my friends' Christmas photo. And... and... and.... None of that stuff gets done when I have to go to the hospital.

Today when I was leaving for work, my eyes filled with tears - that is how much I did not feel like coming. That has nothing to do with the job itself. I actually really like what I do here at the hospital. I like who I work with. I like pretty much everything about it except the hours. I detest working Sat and Sun nights. Sat night because that is the time when people have the energy to actually see their friends. Sun night because it is really not that fun getting home at 11:45 and waking up at 6:15 to head back to work. It makes me.... anxious, to say the least.

So you are probably thinking at this point - why not just quit? It is a bit more complicated than that, I am afraid. Or maybe I am just making it more complicated? Either way, it feels complex.

In the plus column:

duh, money
what I do is easy
I like who I work with
I like what I do
I won't be doing this forever

In the negative column:

I feel stressed out that I do not have my weekends to do what I want to do... like see friends, clean the house, run errands, and sleep
It feels like I am going to do this forever

So you see, the plus column has a lot in it... but the negative column is really really negative. How do you sort out types of happiness and success? Yeah, I give up a lot of weekends and I have to cram stuff into my off weekends.... but I get to go to Australia. Yeah, I have to push myself to meticulously plan friend time on my 4 days off per month, even when all I want to do is sleep or sit on the couch in my own home, because if I do not force myself to do it, I will become an isolated shrew... but when I see them, we can do crazy things and treat them and ourselves without stressing over it. Minus and Plus. A delicate balance.

So what do I do? We have discussed me leaving this job, and Jon is in full support. He knows I hate it. But I would feel so much better about it if one of us actually got paid a more reasonable amount for what we do. Him and I basically make the same amount as the other... and I am a TEACHER. Not only that, but a teacher in a charter school. When I look at what my public school friends make, I want to cry because they make so much more than I do for what I would consider a similar amount of work. Bleh. I guess the most ideal situation (in my mind) would be for Jon or I to get a slightly higher paying full time job to compensate for the money lost in quitting my lucrative part time job.

But then there is option #2...

What if I stayed home when we had a kid? What if I stopped teaching and became a full-time mom... and continued moonlighting as a med tech? If Jon got a slightly higher paying job, and I stayed here at the hospital... we could afford it. For realz. And that is VERY attractive... mostly because then we could raise our own kid without relying on our parents or paying for childcare. Of course, they might turn out with an attitude if I am the one around them majority of the time... but that is to be expected anyway. ;)

So there is that.

I guess ultimately I am kind of waiting on the baby thing, kinda waiting on the better job thing. It does make sense to continue to work here and save money, so long as I do not go too crazy. I just pray that it all falls together and that, in the meantime, I do not fall apart.

You may not like what i have to say...

2010-11-14T18:35:00.002-05:00

Since the end of Sept, Jon and I have been teaching Sunday School at his parent's church. Week 1 started out pretty slow with just 2 8th graders.... but as we got into it (and as they realized they actually like us), we ended up with a pretty consistant following.

For the most part, this has been pretty low-commitment. We show up at 9:45 on Sunday, teach the curriculum du jour, and are out of there around 11 to go merrily on our way. Although the adults try to get us into the church service, and the high school sunday school teacher to the "young adults group" on Friday nights (who thought THAT would be a good idea?!), we have mostly rebuffed their advances and stuck to what we want to do.

Today, on our way home, we were discussing what the appropriate level of participating is for us, if we are to continue being Sunday School teachers.

Here is the thing: the kids freakin love us, for whatever reason, and they actually LIKE coming to Sunday School. No idea why. But that is not really the important part. The important part is that they have not had a solid commitment in youth education in years. No one wants to work with them for some reason, most especially the middle school set. When Jon recalls his own experience with Sunday School, he mostly remembers "hanging out" - not actually learning anything. Conversely, our students are asking really deep meaningful questions like, "If you are depressed and lonely and want to be closer to God, why is suicide so bad?" They have complex ideas like, "I am tired of asking forgiveness and seeing nothing in return." These kids may very well be 13, but they have a lot on their minds, and I love that we have been given the chance to help them probe those concepts.

So the problem is this: we do not support the church. In particular, we do not support the pastor, nor how the place is run. We do not get anything out of the sermons. We do not know the people who are running the educational stuff, but what we have seen so far raises a lot of concerns. Yet, here we are with a great group of kids who are looking to us as roll models.... so what do you do? Do you become more involved in a church you do not support, hoping that you are able to change it... or do you take a stand by staying out of it?

Next week, I have been invited to come speak with the high school group about science and faith. (Ne'er the twain shall meet?!) Apparently the guy who leads that group has been having some major major issues. Its like North and South Korea in there. Some kids are hardcore science and some are hardcore faith with no real intermediates. Being so polarized, their discussions often hurt feelings and get very passionate. Not exactly the kid of environment I like to encourage. Anger only polarizes further and consideration flies right out the window. That kind of situation encourages people not to think, only to show that they are right.

In fact, today, they somehow got into the very heavy discussion of homosexuality. Some kids (apparently) showed disgust and disdain for homosexuals. Other kids felt it was not a choice, but a creation of God. How do you explain that? How do you even know WHAT to believe? Personally, I feel that who you love is not a choice, it is decided by God. You are born that way. In the same way, I believe that my husband was always my husband, I just did not know it until I was ready. He was made for me and I for him and all of the things we have gone through (including the sins, the pain) were used to mold us into people who were right for each other. But then you get into a prickly situation: can God create an imperfection? Or is that free will? If a baby is born gay, can being gay be a sin? And if being gay is a sin, then you would have to assume God could not MAKE someone that way, and then you would revert back to free will. So complex.

Anyway, apparently a lot of feelings were hurt and some of the kids left VERY upset. The poor things. It is what we call in teaching cognitive dissonance. Not a bad thing, but too much is stressful on young minds, and it kind of makes them do a mini explosion.

So I am slating next week to talk with them about science. About evolution. Now being a Biology teacher, I can honestly say that I do not teach anything I do not personally agree with. I also have to state that I am not allowed to teach everything I agree with because not everything fits within a science classroom.

Often, my students will write to me with a question like, "How did that stem cell know to become an ear cell?" or, "Is love really just serotonin and oxytocin?" And I say to them that science can only answer questions that have evidence that can be studied. Why a nerve cell is physically able to conduct electricity, I can explain, but I cannot explain why or how that electricity MEANS anything. I tell them that science can often explain the HOW, the mechanics, but it cannot often exlpain the WHY, the meaning. The meaning of life cannot be explained by science. Why is good so good and bad so bad? No idea. Not scientifically anyway.

And so next week, I believe it is expected of me to go in and debunk science. I think they (the leadership at church) think I am going to come in and say that homosexuality is a sin, God made the earth in a week, the dinosaurs are a lie, and Darwin can go poop in his hat. And it ain't gonna happen. They are not going to like what I have to say.

I am not convinced that Christianity is "IT" - that you cannot commune with God in other ways. I think it works, absolutely, and I personally believe it. But just like there are other languages, I think God speaks to different people in different ways. Do I believe the Earth is young? No. I believe it is billions of years old. God gave us science, God gave us knowledge (or maybe the Devil did, you can work that one out for yourself). Am I a Bible literalist? No. How do I know what "one day" is for God. Does it even matter? How do I know that what God did on the first "day" did not actually take millions of years? I don't. But I can see evolution and see global warming and see all the evidence with my own eyes and touch it with my hands.

Can I see God and touch Him? No.

And that is the point - you are not supposed to.

Faith is required. Faith is believing what you cannot see. It is trusting with your heart despite the fact that God will (likely) never knock on your door and ask if he can hang out and play some video games and maybe save you in the process.

I think of relationships.... the girls who always want their boyfriends to prove their love and devotion. Buy me flowers. Get me presents. Say nice things to me. Take me out. When those are the requirements to trust that you love someone and they love you, the relationship will ALWAYS end. Why? No faith is involved. When you constantly need concrete proof with your eyes, things fall apart. The truth of the matter is that truth is not based on matter. (Clever, right? Ha!) The truth of life is based on believe, on feeling, on faith, and we are nothing without it.

So yes, I agree with the scientific perspective of evolution. Yes, I think it happened like that. But I also think God is behind it all in a way that my little brain cannot comprehend. And I am okay with that. I do not need to know. And it may seem like a cop-out, but it isn't. It has taken me a long time to find peace in this as I struggled to find the answers. But I have faith that when I die, I will "know as I am known". I will understand how everything fits together in a way that my soul, shackled by my human body, cannot grasp just yet.

But how do you make this clear to a teenager? How do you present this to a child who need the concrete? How do I prevent their little minds from blowing up... or from being dismissive, which really is just as easy.

Ultimately, I am not sure, and in part I am just going to have to wing it and hope that my knowledge of science and my faith in God (and God's ability to use people to His purpose) is enough.

But yeah.... I do not think the church leaders are going to like it all that much. I think they want someone to come in with the big guns and prove to the kids that they should believe 100% literally everything the Bible says. I cannot do that. I do not want to do that. I want them to question, I want them to wonder, and, above all, I want them to feel comfortable seeking out the truth. As long as they are doing that, I am sure they will find it.

oooh spooky

2010-10-30T19:48:00.003-04:00

So it has been "one of those nights"... in probably a worse way than I thought it would be.

I left Lauren's shower 5 minutes behind my self-imposed schedule, just as she was opening presents. GRR. I finally had a bunch of people in the same room that I liked AND there were lots of cute kids AND Lauren had a cute shirt on I wanted to get a picture of AND she was just getting down to business... when I had to leave. Natch.

Since the shower was at Steve & Leah's (and in utero baby S), I drove through d-town on my way into the "dubc". And there is traffice. Lots of it. And kids. Everywhere. Apparently there was either a parade or trick or treating or something... but the families were out in droves. I called work to let them know I would be 5 minutes late.

I pulled into the parking lot at 3:02, perfect timing to get into the lab at 3:05, except there were no parking spaces. I had to park in a space that may or may not result in my car getting towed. I do not *think* it will get towed... but with how everything has proceeded, it would not be a total shock if it did.

When I got in, the first shift person told me that she had a crazy day and that with everything she did it felt like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. (We come together cuz opposites attract an' you know!) So that was not the thing I wanted to hear, feeling rushed as I was. She left me some coags, two slides, and a poop to look at.

As I got settled in, I grabbed the baby monitor to take on the first shift of answering the pneumatic tube. Quite literally, it rang off the hook. It was suddenly 5. Then, nothing happened for almost an hour. I sat on my butt and read. I decided to go get dinner around 5:45.

As I walked out of the lab, I looked at the fire alarm and thought to myself, that will go off. And then I thought about how many exits there were to the lab and that the likelihood of a fire being actually under the lab was pretty slim... most of the hospital activity at night is in other wings. I kept walking.

I got my dinner, came back, sat on my butt again... and then things started getting busy. And then one of my co-workers, Anne, walked halfway in my room, blurted, "My dad died!" and ran away. I dropped what I was doing and followed her down the hallway where she proceeded to sit on the floor while talking on the phone with her mom.

Anne's dad has been battling incurable lymphoma for about 2 years now. At age 76, he decided to try chemo, even though it was somewhat of a losing battle. It was extremely rough and he has been quite depressed over the state of his health. His wife found him collapsed in the back yard today, where he was doing some yard work. Anne felt it was better to go this way than to go of cancer, but she just kept saying, "I cannot believe he is gone, my dad is gone." My heart goes out to her.

We called our lab supervisor and she came in. While waiting for her, another tech and I cleaned up things in microbiology, even though technically I am not supposed to be working in there. We found a ride for her to get home, and she left. Her parents live near Harrisburg, so she will be driving out there tonight with her boyfriend and staying the week. Since she left, things have been crazy.

First, I got another poop. Then I got a spinal fluid. I got a bunch of regular specimens (way more than usual for this shift) and then some mislabeled things. The pneumatic tube is ringing and ringing and beeping and ringing and we are rushing back and forth to get more and more specimens...

And then the fire alarm goes off!

No, really, it does. I guess it was a good thing I was mentally prepared?! All we do in the lab is basically shut the door and keep working, which I did. But it makes me wonder, how did I know? And if I could know that, then why not know things like, someone is going to die?

It is now 8:00 and things are steady.... not terrible, just steady.

But I would have to say that my occurance of "predictions" has risen quite a bit in the past 2 weeks, so I have to wonder if it is psychosomatic or someone is trying to show me something.

Example 1: fire alarm

Example 2: Jon and I were talking to someone about my crazy dreams maybe a week ago and I remarked that I was overdue for a waking up sobbing in the middle of the night dream. Which I had last night.

Example 3: On our way to teach Sunday School last weekend, I said to Jon, "You know, if people want us to continue teaching, I sort of want them to tell us what a good job we are doing and ask us to keep doing it." And that day, one parent stopped in before class to tell us how much she appreciated us. Then like 3 more adults stopped us on our way out to tell us what a good job they were doing. Then a few days later, we got an email from another parent telling us that her daughter was actually excited to go to Sunday School and she was not having as hard a time waking her up in the morning. Okay, God, I get the hint!

It does seem that I get sort of these premonition type things a bit more frequently than most people... but I might just have a strong sense of intuition. Though thinking the fire alarm would go off and then having it go off is a little strange... I think in my 7 years here I have only heard it go off once? Odd.

It makes me think though about instincts and how much we really trust them. I know I have blogged before about thin-slicing and the book Blink. It argues that our millisecond "snap judgement" is often just as valid as a well-thought, debated, and reasoned conclusion. I wish there were a way to know just how much we can actually trust them, since those instincts are still based largely on sum total of our history, including our biases and prejudices. For example, when a cop racially profiles, is it fair to say that he or she is really doing that? Are they biased because of their past history, or are they just trusting an instinct? If 9 out of 10 times they are right... or even 5 out of 10... is that enough to say it is not prejudice? Very tough to truly know.

I know I have also mentioned Oprah and how she had on some rape specialist (uh, not really good at rape, really good at preventing it!) and he was saying to trust your gut and do what feels natural and to fight fight fight! When you watch a movie and you know the killer is in the room, but the bimbo with the big boobs and a white shirt who just happens to walk through the rain coming through the gaping hole in ceiling decides she MUST go see what that noise is... she is obviously a class a idiot and ignoring all of her instincts. Even YOU feel like running away in those moments, and you are just sitting on your couch watching a movie. Everyone has heard those stories as well of people who feel like they should not get on a plane or ride the bus that day and, lo and behold, it crashes and everyone dies. How do you know what to trust? How do you know what is total paranoia??

My mom slept over on Thursday night because I HATE when Jon is away for work and I sleep really poorly when I am alone in the house. Just having someone there eased my fear. But why am I afraid? Do I really think I could not talk or maim myself out of a invader situation? No. Am I scared of being shot or raped or hurt? No. Do I really think someone is going to come get me? Not really. Do I worry about dying? Strangely, not at all. But I am still scared. Why? Why do I wake up at every sound in the house? Paranoia or instinct? Me being a psycho or my mind preserving itself? Hard to tell, but I am leaning towards a wee bit of psycho.

Anyway, my mom was saying to me that she did not want me to read any books about babies. While we are not pregnant yet, she said that the best thing I can do is to a) trust my instincts and b) ask women that I know and trust and have seen raise great kids for advice. And in fact, most of the women I know who have kids seem to do this pretty well. They are reasonably laid back and their kids all are pretty awesome so far. I guess there is merit to it... though seriously someone is going to have to remind me how to change I diaper. I have avoided that task since babysitting when I was 13. It's sort of like driving stick shift... I know how to do it, and I could do it if I had to, but I am really not all that interested.

Anyway, I apologize for what has turned out to be a stream of consciousness type of post. Whatever, it makes sense to me. And if you are the praying sort, send a couple up for Anne and her family.

bye bye blockbuster

2010-10-03T19:45:00.003-04:00

Blockbuster video filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy this past week. Truly, I feel more like a chapter of my youth has closed.

When my family first moved to the area, there was nothing. And I mean nothing. In fact, the strip where Target / Applebees / Giant now is did not even exist. It was just forest.

When they started building that strip, it was VERY exciting. There was a westcoast video store AND a 10 room movie theatre and a Clemens, making it the closest food store to my family, despite it being a 15 minute drive. Before then, the only theatre within driving distance was in Exton. It had 2 screens and showed Rocky Horror at midnight. Too seedy for kids and families.

Anyway, the strip was built and I actually spent a lot of my youth in that area. Whether going with my family to pick up a movie at West Coast, working at Clemens, or seeing a movie at the Regal, I was there quite often.

I remember a *very* special privilage given to my girlfriends and I on the last day of 9th grade. We were allowed to walk from the junior high over to the Regal to watch a movie and our parents would pick us up there afterwards. I recall talking with my friends over how excited we were to do this on our own and cross a very busy street to do so. Being 15 in 1995 was much different than being 15 in 2010.

I remember getting a job as a bagger at Clemens. I worked two or three times a week for 4 hour shifts. I never aspired to check out person and was quite satisfied with my brainless $5.75/hr position making sure people's eggs were not smooshed. A lot of my friends worked there and so it was fun. I always looked forward to having to do "putbacks"... did you know that when you decide you do not want something at the check out counter, it all goes into a cart, and some poor high school student has to walk around with it and put everything back where it came from? It is true. And it was the best job, actually, because you could wander the store aimlessly for hours and people expected you to be sort of gone for good when you did the putbacks.

I remember some time in college when Sarge was visiting from Westminny. He and Jon and I went to West Coast to rent a movie for the night. When you walked into West Coast, they had a turnstyle. I walked through first and spun it a bit quickly before Sarge could walk though. Well.... it hit his milkshake, which proceeded to splatter all over the floor. Oops. The 16 yr old at the counter could care less though.

Maybe that was the whole charm of the strip... each store was run by an army of apathetic high schoolers who were there to get money to put gas in their car and hang out with friends. Naturally, it was a fun place for kids to be.

During my late high school years, a new theatre opened about 10 minutes down the road. It was bigger, nicer, and catered more to where the population was actually located. *MY* theatre was closed within a year or 2. A few years after that, it was razed to the ground. During that time, a Blockbuster opened 10 minutes down the road from West Coast.... and then another opened literally within 5 minutes of my parents. West Coast bit the dust as Magic Video (it's predecessor) did when WC came to town. Clemens went down the tubes as Giant moved into the area. Competative pricing put forth by a huge chain beat the family run local store into the ground. Eventually, Clemens became a Giant. Just recently, a Target was put in (why you need 2 Targets within 5 miles is beyond me) and an Applebees, which is surely a sign of the apocalypse.

In my own small town, a beautiful old saloon was knocked down and turned into a Rite Aid. What was once the only grocery store within 20 miles is now in it's deaththroes as Walmart provides fresher meats and produce due to higher turn around time. In nearby Phoenixville, the classic Val Rio diner was tossed out for a Walgreens.

But my point was not to lament the breakdown of society (though I guess I can do that too), it was more to point out how stinking fast everything is changing. Blockbuster became big in our area when I was in high school... I graduated in 1999. So, what? 10 to 15 years is all the life a media form can have now? Granted, Netflix and DVRs and the internet are awesome... but it was nice to go to the store with your family and argue over what movie to get that night. It was nice to go to the supermarket that you grew up going to, that you worked at, where you knew where everything was located. Oh, and it was certainly nice not to pay $12 or $15 or, in the case of IMAX, $17 bucks to go to a movie.

But Blockbuster is the last in the line of "stuff I did to entertain myself as a teen" to fall. Maybe it just signifies my true adulthood. Because, you know, marrying and buying a house don't. And to be totally honest, this makes me feel more adult-like than any of that stuff. Since we plan to have kids in this area, I can imagine them asking us what we did for funwhen we were kids and us saying well... none of it is here anymore.

Lately I have been feeling a bit dragged down by work. It has been an incredibly stressful year, and, as it tends to do, it has shown that to me bodily. I am tired. I have already been sick, when I have not been sick for probably over a year. My ibs has been flaring up. It just makes me blah. I keep thinking of how much I LOVE October, and how out of the 5 weekends October has this year, I am working 3 of them, including Halloween, which is one of my favorite holidays. On Friday, after we went out to dinner with my family, we got home around 10:30 and I flopped into bed exhausted. It is absolutely true that the youth do not appreciate their youth!

I remember staying up with Jon until 3 or 4 or 5 am... slipping out of his house quietly and trying to slip back into mine without waking my parents. I remember sleeping in til 11. I remember feeling at 10 pm like my night was just starting. I remember late nights at friends' houses playing games and being silly and watching movies. Who does that, now that they are in their late 20's? Why don't we? Why are we so tired now? What happened to sleepovers? What happened to making out with your boyfriend into the wee hours? What happened to feeling like life was yours and the ability to live in that very moment and not worry about the future? Does that just get outdated like Blockbuster?

Jon and I took a moment this afternoon before I left for work to cuddle up. I asked him if we would still be able to have those moments when we had a family. He said we would give them nyquil and put them down for a nap. He was joking. But it still puts forth something worth thinking about.... enjoying your time for the blessings it has.

So I guess this post is coming to this: things change. It happens. We cannot stop it. Mom and pop stores will close in lieu of megachains. Buildings that were town staples for decades will be razed to make way for a new drug store. "Convenience" will become more and more and more convenient until you do not have to leave your house (thanks netflix!). Ultimately, we have to appreciate now for what it is and use it to make good memories for the future. We have to do with what we have. Despite the sadness of old fixtures dying, new stuff crops up and I think you can only cling to the past for so long.

Still, I will have fond memories of my childhood convienences which were surely someone else's bain. I am positive that the people who lived near that strip where aghast at the new development. And so while I am disappointed with today's developments, some child is getting really excited about a new place to hang out, a new place to make fun memories.

I am not very sure on how to end this post but to go in an entirely different but related direction and emphasize the importance of making memories in places that are beyond commercialism. Go camping. Go hiking. Go kayaking. Ride your bike. Play frisbee. Do these things with friends. Get outside where there are trees and grass and bugs and birds, and do it before those places, the truly beautiful ones, are also turned into Walmarts and Targets.

the comfort of swapping spit

2010-10-02T20:28:00.003-04:00

I know it may seem a bit strange to think about, but I actually find some comfort in "swapping spit". I do not mean kissing here. I mean the casual sharing of food with a friend or relative.

Last night, my family went to the Kimberton Inn to celebrate my brother's move to Florida, my parent's 32nd wedding anniversary, and our 2nd wedding anniversary. A bittersweet night, but an extra fun one, due to running into my ex-aunt Gloria and her husband Jon, who joined us for coffee and dessert after our respective meals.

For those of you who do not live around here, the Kimberton is kind of a high-brow place. The kind that is built of stone and wood and has roaring fires in the winter. The kind with a piano player. The kind where they comb your table after your main course. The kind of place where you have to use the bathroom 3 times because the waitstaff fills your water glass every time you take a sip. We had stuff to celebrate, and our family likes to celebrate with extravagant dinners that make me embarassed over how much they cost. When I will not even buy a tank top at old navy unless its on sale for $8, a 7 ounce filet with 3 pieces of steamed broccoli and "microgreens" that is 4 times that seems a bit extreme. But hey, my family never did any "typical" family stuff like going camping or even really going to the shore. We did dinner. I am going off track here, but I will never forget the night my brother, then 12, said to the waitress at the Eagle Tavern, "I would like the bacon-wrapped shrimp for an appetizer and the filet for my main meal." Uh huh.

So we had a great dinner. When Jon and I got there, they had already opened a bottle of wine. Turns out that I am a fan of non-acid "round" wine, not the tart one they had opened. So the sommolier bantered back and forth with my mom over what else he could bring out that she might like. He brought some kind of pinot from Italy and her and I were satisfied. My mother and I both had the filet for dinner while my brother and Jon had rack of lamb. I am not sure what my dad had. For (one of) his appetizers, my brother got the lobster bisque. Yum.

Now here is where we get around to the swapping of spit. See? I got there eventually!
My brother passed his bowl over to me, and using his same spoon, I proceeded to lap up quite a bit of the bisque. It was passed on to Jon from there. He did the same, and then passed back to me. I think I ate a spoonful en route back to Chris. This passing and sharing continued until it was pretty much gone. Similarly, before the food even came, we passed around a glass of the two wines so everyone could taste what was available.

So what is so comforting about that? Well, I think I appreciate the inherant trust that comes with the sharing of food. Whether you are eating something that has been touched by someone else's hands or drinking something that surely has a miniscule amount of backwash or putting something to your lips that was just at someone else's, you are basically saying, "I trust you." It is showing you are not afraid to get a little familiar with someone else.

Today Jon and I went apple picking with Kris and Krista. What a good idea! It was a perfect day for it. We got Jonagolds, Suncrips, Crispins, and some Red Delicious. Much like the wine, copious sampling was a necessity! Try before you buy! An apple of each kind was passed back and forth and WOW they were all sooooo good.

It is comforting though to know you are on "that level" with someone. Think about it: would you offer a complete stranger a bit of your sandwich? Would you eat half a cookie that your coworker decided not to finish? If some lady working out next to you at the gym offered you a sip of water from her bottle, would you take it? I doubt you would! But there is a level of comfort with family and with certain (probably not all) friends where you are close enough that you are not afraid to swap a little spit in the process.

I also think that you can use this to read how open a person is. Despite the fact that Jon and I are obviously very close and very comfortable with each other, it grosses him out if I accidentally have to use his toothbrush. Say, when traveling, and I forget mine. Still have to brush, right? This actually does not bother me in the least. For Heaven's sake, we kiss every day, and we have done plenty of other things, so who cares about a toothbrush? But he is skeeved. He will still let me do it, but he does not like it. He just prefers that over my retainer breath. I agree.

I think though that shows a degree of difference in our openness, or at least what grosses us out. But maybe thats a poor example. When I think about most of the people I consider "friends", I would have no problem using a spoon they just used, sharing a drink, or sharing food. This gets a little grey when I think of people I sing with, because I would call them friends, but I definitely do not know them as well as the people I talk with on a daily basis or the people I have known forever like my high school friends. But if they asked, I would, and I would not think too much of it. This, I believe, is related to my degree of comfort and openness with people because I think that some people, who are more closed off, would say yes out of obligation but be secretely nauseated by it and would sereptitiously wipe the top of the bottle they just shared.

Still, the point of this writing is more to express my appreciation of the very simple indications that you are close with someone rather than to question people's openness. When you are at that level, you do not even hesitate or think about sharing, it is simply part of your nature and your relationship. You share food, you share life, and inherent in this is the trust between those two people. Today I have really been glad for that.

As my brother drives down to Florida for who knows how long, I will miss the daily presence of someone I never hesitate to share soup with.

fingerless

2010-09-19T21:14:00.002-04:00

For those of you who are unaware of it, I was the one who brought you the fingerless glove trend. I also ushed in the age of the scarf as a daily accoutrement and fashion accesory. I am currently pondering what I will start wearing next that will be seen at first as a) ugly and b) incredibly dorky and then, a few years down the line, will turn in to a) trendy and b) beautiful.

Let's start with the scarves.
I was never a fan of scarves until I met Jon. He routinely wore a lovely wool scarf from llbean (?) which I continually confiscated due to my constant goosebumps. Through college, I wore it nearly daily, since Penn State really has only two seasons: freaking cold and slightly warmer but just enough for every hooch on campus to lay out in a bikini while I am dutifully walking to some dingy poorly lit lab.
So, I basically have worn scarves nearly daily since 1999. Realizing that this could go beyond keeping my neck warm, I expanded into a host of colors and textures. Pashmina has been a favorite of late and I currently have one in black (from Les, my most favorite one that I wear all the time), emerald green, turquoise and tan (from Yassara), and teal (from Mom). In knitwear I have bright hunter's orange (thanks Dad!) and a lovely blue and green mix made by my friend Emily as a gift. I have a cream one from llbean that I bought with a gift card from my inlaws, and I am pretty sure I have several others floating around that I do not wear as much.
It has been really in the past 2 years that people have started wearing scarves as fashion pieces and I would just like to point out that I have been wearing scarves forever. Not only that, but when you losers decide scarves have gone out of style, I will STILL be wearing them. I will probably continue to wear them until they have come into style again with my children and they will beg me not to pretend to be a cool mom in a scarf and flared jeans. Unfortunately for them, they will have to tolerate my "pretend coolness" because I STARTED IT! So there.

Now scarves really are a bit hard to argue, but I can definitely definitely definitely argue that I brought about the fingerless glove trend.
I started wearing them about 4 years ago now. I have always loved my Uncle Jim's leather fingerless gloves. Before you start thinking he is part of the Village People, I should explain that he is quadripeligic and needs to be able to get friction on his wheelchair wheels without rubbing his palms raw. Anyway, I sit at a computer for 8 hours a day typing away, and, if the story about scarves hasn't made you realize that I have incredibly poor circulation and am nearly always cold, well, its true - my hands can get quite frigid. The result was me going to Kohls, buying a $2.00 pair of gloves (bright blue with green stars on them) and cutting off the fingers. At work, I oddly gained the reputation as "the girl with the fingerless gloves". I tend not to socialize, but since I would wear these gloves no matter what outfit I had on (even of the more professional type), I guess I sort of stuck out and I got noticed. It could have been the scarves I was wearing as well, but I digress....
Some people stole my idea (which was fine by me) and started wearing gloves while typing. So then we hit last year, and all of a sudden, fingerless gloves are EV-ER-Y-WHERE. Seriously. Even Ashley whatsherface in New Moon was freaking wearing them on the big screen. Shouldn't I at least get some kind of royalty for that?!

But seriously, the reason I write about this is that I think it is HILARIOUS. I have absolutely no sense of personal style. If you went into my wardrobe, you would find flared jeans (they work best with my body type, which is wide baby bearing hips), standard black, tan, and grey work suitible pants, a pair of tan cargos... t shirts in solid colors... tank tops from Old Navy in, uh, EVERY color, literally... and lots of hoodies and sweaters. Nothing that screams or, let's face it, even whispers style.
Just the same, I am incredibly picky about what I buy and what I wear. Mostly it comes down to a color thing, which I have ranted about before. No black and navy together. No black and chocolate together. No green and red, except for right now, as I am wearing light green scrubs, grey and red sneakers, a red Cake t shirt, and a white psu t shirt with blue paw prints down the sleeves. I do not match at all. But at the hospital, I am cool with that.
So anyway, I wonder, what makes me buy what I buy? I was just looking on etsy and came across some wonderful printed t shirts and hoodies that I LOVE. And I know I appreciate delicate designs on comfy clothes. Silk screening is awesome. Embroidery detail is nice. I love soft clothing, I like things that are simple but cozy. Other than that though, I really have no clue. I just seem to like what I like.
As far as fall fashion trends go, I am digging the military jackets. Tailored wool = awesome. If only I could afford to buy myself every wool pea coat and jacket I love... Between Jon and I we would not have enough closet space for all of them. Hes a coat whore as well.
I also appreciate the color palate and silhouette of the 60's-type styling. Bring it on navy and houndstooth! There are some trends that are gag-inducing... like fully buttoned up collars (ugh), lingerie on the outside (um, by definition, isnt that supposed be inside?), and clothing with cutouts (80's, anyone!?). But who am I to say what is fashionable and what is not? I CAN say, however, that fall style is providing me with some wonderful things... sweaters, knee and thigh high boots and socks, nicely cut clothing thats sexy and sort of prim at the same time. I like.

In the end, I think everyone should wear whatever they want. The wierd girl with the scarf and fingerless gloves might be totally in fashion in two years, so you shouldn't give her strange looks now. I wonder, is there a point when EVERYTHING is in fashion? I do not mean at once, but doesn't everything have it's heyday? Speaking of which, I just read an article in the Week that said socks and sandals are not just for your 50 yr old father... they were worn together by Romans back in the day. See? It was functional fashion once! I still do not recommend it now... but what I am saying is that maybe every look is "The Look" at some point. Even hideous things (80's giant colored glasses, shoulder pads, and socks and sneakers with your skirt suit) and super hideous things (neon, UGGS, pre-distressed jeans, skinny jeans which look good on absolutely no one except anorexic hipster former emo waifs) are loved by someone at somepoint... enough that some designer or some manufactuer is making them en mass.... enough to find it's way into your closet. And in the future, no matter what you do, people are going to look back on now and giggle. Fingerless gloves? Really? Gag me!

Despite all this, I will try to consider what I am wearing now and let you know that it will be popular in about 2 or 3 years, so that you can be at the forefront of fashion... cuz, isn't that, like, the most important thing of all? :p

adult children of alocholics

2010-08-25T16:31:00.005-04:00

I have been reading a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz. It was written in 1983, so of course it must be taken with a grain of salt given the time period and populist psychological philosophy at the time.

In the 1980's, cultural psychology was popular - the idea that culture and the way your brain works are nearly inseparable. You can see this in the book as it claims, between the lines, that growing up in a household with an alcoholic (culture) has influence who you are as a person now (mind).

Woititz makes several claims in this book that are based upon the consensus of an adult group of people who grew up with alcoholic parents. It has been an interesting read so far, and I felt compelled to talk about what she asserts in relationship to what I felt growing up. In fact, that is as far as I have gotten in the book - what these children feel as children.

1. We guess at what normal behavior is.
I can understand what the author is saying here. Children have no idea what normal is because normal is relative. When you grow up with a parent or two who are alcoholics, that seems normal to you, yet you know that it is not. So you are left feeling unsure of how things are "supposed" to be.
The author says that some children end up thinking that families are supposed to be like the ones on tv. I never felt that way. I never really tried to figure out what normal was because from a very early age, I knew no family was ever perfect, no family ever "normal". I did, however, envy the other little girls I knew that had good relationships with their dads. Maybe envy is not the right word... maybe more awed. I just could not imagine. Now, I did not know about my dad's problems until some time in jr high, but I still knew something was up.
The author also says that these former children can subsequently struggle with relationships (see below) and family structure as they try to create their own. Again, I have never felt this way, but I will try to talk more about it below.

2. We have difficulty seeing a project through from start to finish.

I did not appreciate what the author says here. And of course it is from the uniqueness of my situation. My dad never failed to provide for us monetarily. He always had a good job, he always made sure food was on the table, he got stuff done. The author says that from watching your parents make excuses, leave projects unfinished, and generally not parent all that much, that the children of alcoholics never learn how to do something all the way.

Now it is true, I can see the unfinished house projects... the hole in the ceiling that was 2 years old, the dripping bathtub that rotted away the wall for years... but somehow my parents still taught me to do stuff. Maybe, though, I have learned to only do what I WANT to do. It is rare that I do something out of obligation, and I do not know if that is a good or a bad thing. I do things because I feel like doing them, not because someone else would be happy if I did. Is that self-serving? I am not sure, because at the same time, I never lie and play games and say I am glad to do something for someone when I am not. Also, people can be assured that if I say I want to do something, I literally want to do it, and I am not just pandering or playing along or giving them lip service. If I say I want to, they can believe that I do not feel obliged.

3. We lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth.

I do not think this is true at all, at least for me. I was never one to tell little fibs. So I have to conclude here that something else is at work besides the environment I grew up in. I have to believe that I am more than the product of nurture. I am more than my childhood, and there is no reason I have to be a product of how I grew up. Yeah, of course there were little lies, but as an adult, I am not prone to lying. In fact, I am much more prone to the blunt truth. But maybe the pendulum just swung in the other direction for me. It stands to reason that a child could go to either extreme. The author says children in these households grow up in a culture of lies as one parent covers for the other, to them, to coworkers, to other relatives. I do not think my mom really did that. She always encouraged honesty and always told us that we would still be loved despite whatever the truth was. I can thank her for the courage and confidence to tell the truth and to not be afraid of the consequences... but to also live my life so that I am not afraid of my own truth.

The only time as an "adult" that I can remember telling white lies was when I was having a lot of relationship trouble. I did not tell complete bold-faced lies, but I omitted truths because they were scary. I disliked myself. I did not like who I had become. So I lied to people I loved because it was a consequence of trying to hide the truth from myself.
I can see this in my dad. He does not like admitting to himself that he has problems. He sees that as weakness, when actually, admitting the truth to yourself is a sign of great strength. But he likes to downplay it. He likes to pretend he has control. But he doesnt. If he could just accept that it is okay to not have control all the time, he would be so much better off.

4. We judge ourselves without mercy....

I am, without a doubt, my worst critic. I am poor at taking compliments. As much as I love when my husband tells me I am pretty or beautiful... and as much as I need that affirmation... it is really hard to believe it. When something is important to me (singing, teaching, being a friend), I actually *want* criticism because I have a hard time believing the good things. This summer I bothered Jon constantly about how I sounded on a singing solo I had. He always said good things. I realized that I did not believe him because I wanted constructive criticism. Criticism I could believe and accept. Nice things, I couldnt.
Now, the beauty thing, that is not a situation where I think I am ugly or hideous or fat or anything of the sort. I just feel realistic about myself. I am not ugly. I am not a supermodel. I am maybe above average, but only when I smile. There are features I like about myself, features I do not. I just feel "normal", which is funny, since I am not supposed to know what normal is. But I feel middle ground. I appreciate that Jon thinks I am above average, and, as I said, I love hearing it. It is hard to accept though.
Now with the other things... yeah, I am a horrible awful critic. I do not get down on myself about it though. It is hard to explain. As much as I pick apart my solos or think about teaching strategies and hope that my friends know that I am someone they can trust and strategize to ensure they know that.... I am not sitting here all woe is me. The author suggests that some of "us" are like that - constantly picking themselves apart. The reason, she says, is that we subconsciously think that WE are the reason our parents drink. Some parents, of course, actually SAY that to their kids. Mine never did though. I never felt like I was the reason. I did, however, feel like if my dad loved me enough, he would be able to stop. For me. For love. For our family. THAT is a really tough thing for a kid to get past, and from what I gather, many adults have trouble realizing the idiocy of those statements.
People are people. Moms and Dads are people. They are human, they are imperfect. They do the best they can, but they have problems. They have mannerisms. They have habits. They have addictions. They do not know how to handle every situation. Yet as a naive child, you think they are supposed to be perfect. It was some time in high school when I figured this out - that they are human. It is still hard to accept sometimes, but only rarely now.
My father's addiction is not my fault. It was there before me. It was there after me. My dad loves me very much and he is so proud of me. Alcohol gets in the way, but that is not a reason to be mad at my father. It is the nature of addiction.
When I start getting upset, I think about how I would feel if I tried to get rid of an innocuous habit. Like, stop shaving my armpits. Or, stop eating chocolate. Or getting a new job. Or even just getting stupid things done around the house. Its HARD. Been biting your fingernails for most of your life? Go ahead, try to stop. It is really hard. Same for alcohol, same for drugs, same for smoking. It is hard to quit, and if you struggle with it, it does not make you a bad person... it just makes you a human being. Sometimes love CAN be the inspiration and give the motivation to someone to stop their habit, but often, they just have to do it for themselves. Loving yourself is the hardest part.

5. ...But we are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

My husband tells me this constantly. I have some friends who are a constant source of aggravation. We miscommunicate, we rile each others nerves, things like that. But I do not give up. I cannot give up. In the face of all that, my heart says, stick to it, you know how they will be some day. And I do. I do feel like I know how these people will be some day, and I almost feel like I am supposed to shepherd them through it, that I am their guide on the River Styx. This relates to 7, 10, and 12.
But honestly, it has never really guided me wrong. Sure, there is some heart ache and some annoyance, but I have never been upset in the long run that I stuck with someone who did not appear to deserve it. I really think everyone deserves loyalty.
This relates back to what I said earlier - that I think there is more going on within me that just nurture. Spoiler alert... I really think a good chunk of it has to do with God. I really cannot explain how I am who I am without that piece.

6. We have a difficult time having fun.

Oh my gosh, how true how true! This statement is the epitome of me in high school. Overall, on the surface, very happy go lucky smart everything is awesome kind of girl. Deep down, I carried the burden of the world on my shoulders.
Imagine this - you stay after school for rehearsal or academics or whatever, and find that you are probably going to get home around 5. Your mom will not be home til after 6. Your brother is out in the neighborhood with his friends, or holed up in his room. You drive up your street, simultaneously hoping that your dad's car is there and not there. If it is not there, it means he is at the bar, but at least you do not have to face him before your mom gets home. If it is there, he could be drunk, he could be in a overly talkative alcohol-fueled friendly mood, or he could be grumpy, or he could be just nothing, though that is the least-likely option. You see his car there. You do not know what you are going to find when you walk in the door, but all you want to do is run away. You actually hate coming home. You never feel comfortable in your own house. You isolate yourself as much as you can without appearing to be obvious. You go in, you see your dad making dinner. That means overly friendly mode. You try to figure out how to escape a conversation with him without making him angry that you are not as happy as he is. You just want to get out.
Welcome to my life, circa 1997-1999. Day after day. And you have to wonder, how can a child mentally deal with that? How can you expect him or her to focus on school or have normal friendships and relationships? How can they be "normal" when the people who are supposed to be"perfect" are far from it and mentally they are not mature enough to be okay with that and with themselves?
And then you want them to have fun?
What is it like to have fun when you are constantly worried? How can you laugh and joke about boys and clothes and cars and school when something as serious as this is going on at home?
We get good at hiding it. We, hopefully, get good at compartmentalizing until we are mentally strong enough to take these things off the shelf and analyze them and make sense of them and be at peace with it. But as children, we hide.

7. We have difficulty with intimate relationships.

This strongly relates to the inability to have fun.
Children are supposed to be care-free, but I definitely was not. And it is hard to fit in and feel close to your peers when they have no idea what your life is like and have never had to face such burden.
I remember one particular instance.... I am not sure if it was in high school or in college. Things were really bad with my dad. My mom asked me if I thought they should get divorced. I told her that if it were me, there is no way I would put up with that bs. I told her I would support whatever decision she would make and would never fault or blame her for wanting or getting a divorce. I said she did not have to worry about my brother and I, that we would be there, and that we could make it.
This conversation had a tough affect on me. I tried telling someone about it. The response I got was "That sucks." And this person then proceeded to tell me about how their grandparent was sick and their family was worried.
NOW I understand where that person was coming from. NOW I know that they were trying to relate by telling me their own family hardships. NOW I can appreciate that they had limited perspective, and I could not expect them to "get it". But at the time, I almost cried. How could you say that your grandmother being sick is the same as going home to a place that is anything but home every day and that your mother asked YOU if she should divorce your father?
And so, it was difficult to feel truly close to people. It was hard for me to talk about what was going on at home, and when I tried, people did not have the experience or maturity to relate, which was absolutely not their fault. Yet, who could I open up to? Who could I talk to? It was isolating. It was difficult.
But it made me me. I am strong. I have perspective. I can see situations from many angles and I am realistic about what to expect of people. And yet, I still have hope. Sometimes undeserved, but I have it. And I would not be all these things without my childhood. Without my parents, flaws and all.

8. We over-react to changes over which we have no control.

This can be true, but it is something I have gotten past. I think I used to have more issue with this. I used to get into fights with Jon over how he was in Altoona and I missed him. You know what? It was not his fault! Why was I getting mad at him when I was really just mad at the situation? Take now, when he travels so much for work. In some ways, I can be mad at him because he has not made a lot of progress on finding a job that keeps him home. But at the same time, at least he has a job! We are both making good money and we both live a nice life. It is not the worst thing for him to be away for a few days. It is not like he is in Iraq, thank goodness.
I think this is something that takes time to grow out of, and fortunately, I have made good progress on it. There are things we cannot control, in particular, I cannot control my dad. I can hope for him. I can pray for him. But if he makes a choice to go to the bar or smoke a cigar or eat a half gallon of ice cream, I cannot control that. I cannot control his addictions. I cannot control his health. The biggest thing is to remind myself that sometimes addictions are bigger than love. And just cause he has a few does not diminish his love for him. It just can cover it sometimes like a veil. That does not mean it is not there.

He is out of my control. And it would do best for children of alcoholics to realize that the only person anyone can attempt to control is themselves.

9. We feel we are different from everyone else.

Abso-freaking-lutely. Ne'er truer words spoken.
I have always felt different, though I cannot necessarily attribute it JUST to my childhood. I always felt like I thought more than other people. I always felt like an old soul. I matured early in a lot of ways, which can be a result of taking on extra responsibilities as a child because you have to parent yourself.
But still, I cannot explain it all away with that.
I have often wondered how many people actually think. How many people ponder the universe and their place in it. How many really wonder about why we are alive, and what the purpose is. How many get the feeling deep in their stomach when considering the fact that we are on earth, which is a planet, in a solar system, in a galaxy, of many galaxies, of many systems, of the universe? Its amazing. Like a glimpse at eternity. You really think the Snookies of the world are thinking on that level? Doubtful.
But it seems to self-indulgent and so self-serving to think Wow, I am so different. Everyone is different. Everyone is the same. Truth in paradox. And who really cares if I am more self-actualized that someone else? La-de-dah for me. The real question is, what am I going to do with it? If I really do feel different, then I should make a difference, whether I am actually different or not. If I am not really different, but make a difference, that is what matters. And if I am truly different, then it is my responsibility to use it to make a difference. Same outcome, no matter the motivation.
So I think this author is right in saying we feel different... we did have a different childhood than a lot of others. But so what? You cannot use that as an excuse for who you are now, and you cannot use it to deflect against your own shortcomings. You have to be like, okay, cool, I can use this to my advantage.

10. We are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

If you do not know me, I will spare you the trouble of trying to puzzle it out: I am super responsible. If I make plans, I try to stick to them, unless illness prevents me from doing so. When that happens, I feel AWFUL about it. I hate taking off from school or work for any reason. In the past, I have taken on others personal burdens as my own and ached right along with them.
And yet at the same time, I do not always clean out the cat's litter box. I can be lazy, too.

Jon and I were discussing our basement the other night. He had a fun idea for a project for him to work on. Unfortunately, I rained on his parade by telling him (gently??) that we have so many other NECESSARY projects that we MUST do around the house that fun should wait. :/ How stupid am I? But I get antsy when stuff is not done. I can let it go to a point, but then I go in a whirlwind craze of cleaning and crafting and creating.
We also discussed our social life... or lack thereof. Since I have 4 days out of the month that I consider "mine", when I am not working or otherwise engaged, I feel like those are the days I need to do everything I was slacking on - cleaning, doing projects around the house, attempting to rest... And when I do not get time to do these things, I cannot have fun with friends. I feel anxious. I have responsibilities that I am letting go....
And it is stupid. I realize this. But how do you tell your body to stop being anxious when you cannot really help it? The best I can do is to stay on top of those small tasks, set goals for myself, and also schedule in play time. To make it my responsibility to see friends, to relax. To make that, in essence, a job that needs to get done. And I realize that is kind of psychotic, but for now, it is the best I can do.

I definitely got the super responsible side. But all things considered, I would rather be super responsible than super irresponsible.

11. We are impulsive.

Now this, I find interesting. The author says that children of alcoholics tend to pick a path impulsively but then get so mired and focused that they literally cannot change that path, no matter the consequences. For (personal) example - I took a job I was wary of. I just decided, what the heck, I will give it a try. BAD DECISION. It was so stressful that I started getting physically sick all the time - fevers and stomach issues and coughs and sniffles. I absolutely agonized over what the heck I should do. To most people, it seems obvious, to quit it, right? But then we ran into super responsible me. These kids NEEDED me. No one else could do MY job. What a load of bs. After debating and debating, I quit. And holy cow, talk about a relief. Good move there.... but after impulsively making a decision that perhaps I should not have made, I stuck with it through and through til I practically put myself in the hospital. Not cool.
Is this a result of my childhood? Not sure. It might be in relationship to my feelings of responsibility, but I would not say, on the whole, that I am all that impulsive. Just the same....
Maybe I am. I tend to make what seems to be spontaneous decisions all the time, but really I am going with my gut and trusting that my brains have worked everything out and I am merely just not quite conscious of it yet. If you ever get a chance, read the book Blink. Very interesting stuff. But my impulsive nature really stems from the idea that, even moving in the wrong direction, you are going to learn something that will lead you to the right direction. Movement is better than being a sitting duck, so if you are not sure what to do, just do SOMETHING. You will know sooner or later whether that was the right thing or not. Plus I believe in redemption and the ability to change your course. We are not stuck being who we are. We can change if we put enough effort into it. I really think that. It takes time and dedication. But we can do it. So I tend to pick a path and go and see where it leads me. I guess this is impulsive. And in the past, I have gotten kind of stuck, but I think I am beyond that.

12. We take ourselves very seriously.
Um, yes. I do take myself seriously, though at the same time I am seriously aware of my own bs. This is part of where I think God plays into who I am. I am very aware most of the time that who I am is not my body. It is also not fleeting anger or annoyance, it is not boring or mean. I really think the core soul of people is good and happy and loving. And yes, I take that seriously. So when analyzing a person, even myself, I have to wade past the bs outer shell of humanity and find the soul within. The good. That is what is important. That is what I really think people need to strive to see within others and themselves. All the outside stuff is just stuff. Who you are is not your image or even your feelings, which are transient. The real person is in there. And so I look for that. I respond to that. I do not always think of it or focus on it. I get caught up in the outside stuff plenty of times, but I always come back to this. And that is why I can forgive my dad. I love his soul. His humanity kinda sucks sometimes. His addictions though, are not who he is. And though they make it difficult to see the real him, he is there, somewhere, and I always have to focus on that.

There are plenty of other things to say about this, in particular how I think God factors in to who I am, because it is an interesting concept....

But school starts tomorrow and I have to be at work by 8. Sigh. Goodbye summer, you were way too fast for my tastes, but I loved you anyway.

Nan

2010-08-03T20:47:00.003-04:00

My grandmother, Nan, passed away yesterday, August 2nd. My grandfather, Bud, passed away on Sept 17th of 2009. Sometimes I wonder how long I would last if Jon were to die. I guess it would depend on my age. Bud was 92. Nan just turned 89 last month. Still, when you spend a lifetime together, having been married for almost 70 years, even if you end up detesting the person, I think you still cannot really live without them. What is life when you are suddenly alone? I am not sure.

In the past few months, Nan had been living with my Aunt in Orlando. They also had taken in my Uncle's father, Bill, who passed away about a month ago. Tis the season? Nan had been doing horribly when she was alone in the condo after Bud died, and bringing her to Orlando was a huge undertaking for my Aunt. She is amazing. Since spring, Nan has gotten better and better. She was taken off hospice (usually hospice means you are on your way out) and in the past few weeks, weaned off of all of her medications. She was actually happier, more aware, and actually funny, particularly lately. And end of life rally? Who knows. Regardless, with how "well" she was doing, her death has come as a shock to most of the family.

She woke up around 2:30 in the morning on Monday and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she told the nurse she was not feeling well. She laid down, went into a coughing fit, passed out, and started arrhythmia. The nurse tried to revive her, but to no avail. My Aunt was there when she died. She died in my Aunt & Uncle's brand new bedroom, which they willingly gave up when Nan moved in. How do you reclaim the space? How do you sleep there knowing that your own Mom spent her last breath there? I am not sure they will.

The family had various reactions. I slept poorly nearly all morning, having very bizarre dreams and waking up every half hour. My mom said she was cold nearly all day, a rarity for her in hot-flash mode. My other Aunt had been fortunate enough to stop by the previous evening out of coincidence. My mom had bought Nan a wallet on Sat, passed it on to my aunt, and even though she was tired from her flight on Sunday, she stopped in to pass along the wallet. When my mom picked up her cell phone at 3:30 am, the first thing she saw was a picture text of my Aunt, Nan, and the new wallet. My other Aunt, who had Nan living there, was to leave Monday for San Francisco. Things have a way of falling into order. Is there coincidence at all?

Nan was pretty cool. Having raised 8 kids on Bud's income, she was frugal, but in her later years, delighted in being able to afford things for other people. She was a caregiver in the true sense of the word - rehabilitating my uncle after he became paralyzed, seeing to an uncle in law for months while he recovered from 3rd degree burns over most of his body. She was remarkably calm and accepting for such an old school catholic who beat her kids with spoons when they were misbehaving. She received the news of my uncle's divorce (then remarry then divorce then remarry), my new uncle in law having previously unknown kids pop up, my gay cousin, my lesbian cousin, potential adoptions, surgeries, engagements, babies, foreclosures... you name it, and she just absorbed it all. If she judged us, she kept that to herself. She still loved us.

One thing I will always remember about Nan was that she was the only adult figure in my life who consistently fed Chris and I a well-rounded meal. Every night there was meat, a veg, some fruit, some starch, and dessert. We always left the house full.... and wondering why we did not eat that stuff at home. :) If not for Nan, we might not have known that we even liked fruit and veggies.

I will remember her parakeets and playing yahtzee. I will remember the house in Stone Harbor and playing (and cheating!) at cards. I will remember sitting on the porch watching the dolphins. I will remember walks on the beach and shelling at dawn.

I think my most cherished memory of Nan was the day after I got a very scary phone call in the middle of the night from someone I did not know. My mom had not heard what had happened to me, so she thought nothing was amiss. Nan called her and asked if I was okay, that she was concerned about me. My mom told her everything was good (as far as she knew). Nan told her to tell me that I "am never alone and always loved". Later, once I got ahold of my mom and told her what happened with the phone call, she relayed what had happened with Nan. How did Nan know? I am not sure, but she did. And she knew just what to say.

It is true, I am never alone, even moreso now with both Nan and Bud as angels watching over me. I think when you get to Heaven, all is forgiven, all is understood. Though sometimes Nan and Bud had resentments towards each other for this and that (their generation did not express their feelings like ours does), I think they understand each other completely now and are square dancing with God.

I try to tell my mom that life is short, just a blink compared with eternity. We should cherish it, sure, but I really believe that we are reunited with those we love, and we get to spend forever with them in perfect understanding and perfect harmony. It is only through death that we really are able to grasp the wonder that is life. If we had no comparison, we would not be able to enjoy it nearly as much.

Of course we miss Nan and Bud, and we will til we see them again. But they are waiting, and smiling, and loving us constantly - of this I am assured.

veggies

2010-07-07T14:51:00.002-04:00

When I was younger, I thought I hated vegetables. So when a kid says that they do not like broccoli or green peas or sugar snap peas, I get it.

You have to understand though what I was being given as a child that constituted "vegetables".

My mom hates fresh veggies. She hates raw veggies. She hates dips. Her favorite "vegetable" (if you can even call it that) is canned green beans. Ever had canned green beans? Microwaved in the can juice? The thought makes me wanna throw up a little. Yet this is what we were served. Of course, I am pleased my mom was serving veggies at all... but can you blame me for thinking all vegetables were evil? Another one of her favorites is canned beets. I cannot tell you how many evenings I sat at the dinner table long after everyone else had gotten up because I had not eaten my requisite 3 slices of beets yet... which were now cold... and I was not allowed to leave until I did. Torture!

I really hated (and still do hate) mushy veggies. I need crunch. I dont want them to "slide down my throat". I want to actually chew them. I still pick out carrots from canned soup because they are nasty. Yet throughout my childhood, all I got were disgusting canned green beans, horrible canned beets, and mushygushy carrots in soups and stews. Ugh.

The idea that maybe I might like veggies a little bit came from holiday and family parties, where we usually had raw veggies and some kind of dip. I disliked ranch for quite a long time, but I have always loved dill. And I started with carrots... and moved on to broccoli, green peppers, cucumber, and then sugar snap peas. Delicious all. Who knew green things could be so good?

Honestly, it was not until really after college that I realized I actually liked some form of cooked veggies. Steaming is a fantastic way to cook vegetables. Grilling is nice too. As I said, it needs crunch though... plus mushy veggies do something to my stomach that is even more unpleasant than having to eat that muck.

However, there is one important lesson I learned from those late nights at the dinner table... do the worst task you have before you first. Do not wait until your beets are cold, which is even more disgusting... eat them first, get them out of the way, then move on to more pleasant foods. So although I know the lesson my mom was trying to teach me was to eat my veggies, I learned something entirely different from the whole experience. If I have a list of things to do, do the one I like the least first. Get it out of the way. Then move on to more interesting and engaging things.

So I am thinking... maybe if I send all of my students a can of beets, they too can learn this lesson... Or maybe not. :/

(and, by the way, I learned that beets are actually delicious straight out of the ground, thanks to a class I took a few years ago where were learned about a school garden program... they are sweet and spicy and just really yummy, so if you think you hate beets, try them raw!)

apparently

2010-06-27T21:41:00.002-04:00

Apparently they have upgraded the filter system here at work...

So now, I am able to blog while I am here. However, I am now unable to do crosswords on aarp.com. I am also unable to watch anything on hulu (because we are running IE 6.2 for some reason). Its a shame, because there is some tv I could be catching up on.

The rest of the week has not exactly gone as planned. On Thursday, we actually did not get to go take pregnancy pictures due to the mama having some blood pressure spikes. She is okay though, fortunately, and I hope we can still do the shoot before she gives birth.

Instead Thursday was made up of our air conditioner breaking, a really awesome (read: cool) storm, and... no power. That night, we stayed over Jon's parents because he was to travel on Friday and the last thing we needed was a poor night's sleep.... ...which I got anyway. While the basement might still constitute "home" for him, sadly a futon in the darkness is never really quite as comfy for me. On top of it, my stomach was acting up, so it was not nearly as nice as it could have been.

On Friday, I was up at 8, and went home to find the power on... but only THEN realizing that the ac was broken. Stupid me chalked up the fact that it was 83 degrees in the house to the fact that it was *really* hot outside and the ac just could not keep up. No, it was broken. Despite it, I took a whopping 3 hour nap in the afternoon in the even warmer bedroom. I guess I needed it.

The storm had caused quite a bit of havoc, with trees and lines down everywhere. I had stupidly ventured into Exton to run errands, thinking that commerce would be unaffected. Wrong. I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and was met at the door by a guy with a tiny battery powered led lantern. He asked me what I wanted to see. I told him window treatments. He said, uhhh, its really dark over there. We walk over, I cannot see jack squat, and tell him its absolutely rididculous that the store was open. He agreed.

After my failed attempt at buying home goods, I went to my parents house to see the downed Bradford Pear (stupid trees, so weak!) and check in on the cats. My mom is in Florida for the weekend, so luckily she missed the lack of AC. My dad does not mind living like a "savage"... I am pretty sure he got his first shower today. That would be Sunday. The power came back on there early this morning. So at least I did not have to go through that.

Friday night was my first aikido test. Though I had been feeling pretty good about it this week, that strength more or less evaporated when I found out that Jon was not going to make it home in time from work to test as well. It probably seems stupid, but his presence gives me strength and courage... and while I know that he is always with me blah blah blah, it would have been really nice to go through it together.

But I sucked it up. In more ways than one. I went, I tested.... I sucked... but they were feeling charitable and passed me anyway. Our main sensei, Ken, was unable to come, so we were left with Tony (this would be the same sensei that made me cry uncontrollably a few weeks ago). Tony thought it would be really fun to go out of order. Despite my trying to explain to him how I learn (I take notes, when I am asked questions, I literally visualize on the paper where the notes and answers are, then I can remember), he told me once again to "stop thinking" and just do what I am being told to do.

Yeah... uh... mhm.

So there were moves that I knew instantly and moves that took a bit to work through and remember what I was supposed to do. It was extremely embarassing for me (we test in front of the whole dojo) to feel like I had no idea. I did some stupid things wrong (like doing the bokken suburi #2 instead of #1, but then correcting it at the last minute, though I do not know if Tony saw me correct). I also got kicked in the hand after throwing my uke (attacker) which has resulted in hurting A LOT yesterday and today. But I passed. He told me that I am too focused on the letter and too stiff... but he told the other person testing that she was too loose and needed to be more precise. So together we make one great aikido person, I guess. :/

I felt like crying after, despite being passed. People congratulated me, but what I appreciated most was another black belt, Joe, taking me aside and correcting a move that I did wrong (ai hanmi katatetori shihonage). I did not do it completely wrong, but I did not do it completely right, and I appreciated the acknowledgement of that vs being told that I did "well enough". It is funny, because as charitable as I often am with my students, I do not really appreciate it when its given to me. I guess I am my own worst critic. To me, there is truth in constructive criticism, and without it, I think people who are supposed to judge me are just being nice.

It has occurred to me that I probably did not post about the crying episode.

So it was a few weeks ago and I am not sure if I was having an emotional week or just tired or I was worn out or what. There was a move that I simply was not understanding. And the REASON I was not understanding is because one of the senseis taught me how to do the move incorrectly when I was working with him. So Tony steps in, like he usually does, to see if people are doing the move right. Well, I wasn't. And his response? Slapping me upside the face. Not hard, just a tap, so that I knew I was vulnerable and he could knock my lights out because of it. I have no problem with those methods. I steeled myself and continued doing the move again and again... incorrectly. It was what I had been taught. And instead of correcting what I was doing, he kept showing my vulnerability. And finally I had enough. My eyes started to well up. I was not going to throw the other sensei under the bus and point fingers and scream "HE TAUGHT ME WRONG"... even though that is really what I wanted to do. So I started crying. Not the blubbering kind, just the sniffly tears streaming down your face kind where you cannot stop because you feel like someone has uncorked something that has been locked up inside of you for a very long time. I actually kinda felt bad for Tony, all of his Italian manliness revolted against making a girl cry... I kept working through, despite the tears, and he has been a bit kinder to me since. I think he thinks im fragile. I am not. I was angry. I was mad that I had been taught the wrong way and was being humilated for it and there was nothing I could really do about it. After class, the girls consoled me telling me that they both have bawled during class, usually because of Tony, and to not really worry about it too much. They, too, had been in similar situations, and understood the injustice. Still, I abhor crying, because a lot of people look at it as weakness when usually I cry because I am pissed off or frustrated. Ah well. It was... interesting.

In my post-analysis, I have come to realize that aikido is very much like learning a new language. When you learn a non-native language, like say Spanish, you have to do a lot of translating in your head before you can react. So when someone says "Como estas?" In your head, you go, okay, that means How are you? I want to say I am fine. To do that, I need to say muy bien. And then you say it. So you have gone through a whole translation process. In time, that process becomes so fast that it barely seems like thinking, and you can approximate what SEEMS like instinctual reaction when really, you are still doing the thinking, just very quickly.

So when a sensei says, "Stop thinking, just move", I want to tear their head off. There are two scenarios: 1) sensei demonstrates the move - I have to take in both uke and nage's parts, the attacker and the attacked, know how each is supposed to move, with both hands and feet, and then replicate it. That, in and of itself, is HARD for a totally linguistic learner. 2) sensei tells me in Japanese to do a movement. Ai hanmi katatetori ikkyo. I have to take those words in my head, translate them to english (ai hanmi means opposite stances, katatetori means wrist grab, ikkyo means the first movement, which is an arm bar type motion with a specific pin), then I actually have to translate that into MOVEMENT. Even if I know what the words mean, I do not always necessarily know the movement that goes with it. Try doing that without thinking. Not gonna happen. I want to yell at them and tell them that if they do not want me to think, fine, but I am going to stand as still as a statue because I literally cannot move before I do this mental translation. Because they have all been doing it at least 15 years, some even 30, they have forgotten. They have forgotten what it is like to learn something new. And yes, I know, some day, it will be reflexive. But it is not today. Not 6 months after I have started. It takes time, and if they do not want me crying every other week, it is going to take some censorship on their part and realize that the most frustrating thing I can be told is to stop thinking. It would be like your Spanish teacher yelling at you in Spanish and telling you "do not think about it, just respond in Spanish!" Riiiiiiiiiight.

They also have to realize that telling me to "use my anger" is going to result in me crying. That is how I use anger. I turn it into tears. Women are hard-wired to do this: maybe because we ARE physically weaker and psychologically much more manipulative. But come on, ySo ou don't think Amelia Earhart was PISSED that she was lost and/or crashing and did not cry because of it?

As an interesting aside, tears are actually part of your parasympathetic nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system, the one responsible for "fight or flight", is the one that hypes your body up, increases your blood pressure, gives you clarity for focus for your survival. The parasympathetic nervous system is what happens AFTER you have been upset. It soothes you, slows you down, calms you... so really, you are not crying because you are getting upset... you cry because you were ALREADY upset and now your body is chilling out, often releasing extra proteins, things like that. So being told to hold that in is futile as well, because you are actually then refusing to let your body calm down - holding it in just keeps you wound up, upset, and tense. Tears do help you relax and return to normal functional level... so don't hold those tears in - your body is just trying to help you!

So anyway, I have gone totally off topic, I guess.... but that is what blogging is for, no? Work is *almost* blissfully over. Two weeks seem quite far away when its summer, so it is nice to know I have 2 weeks of relaxation before having to do anything more.

Thoughts on crying? Anyone? :)

summah

2010-06-23T11:57:00.003-04:00

Well, here we finally are: summer.

So far, its been incredibly busy, despite the fact that summer has officially been 6 days long. On day 1, I ran errands, did laundry, and got ready for day 2, which was our hs graduation.

The graduation went well. My friend and I were employed as the official photographers. Our pictures will shortly be posted HERE. The experience was really good and I learned a lot from it. The biggest thing I learned is that I really need to learn more about my camera (Nikon d80). I know that its powerful, but like any piece of equipment, you cannot maximize it's use without some know-how. I need to take a class and read my manual. I actually really enjoy photography, but something else I learned is that my preference is composed portrait shots (which I have a basic eye for, but need to learn about lighting) and macro shots. I also prefer as much natural light as humanly possible - I hate using the flash. I found the auditorium to be an extremely difficult lighting situation for me. I had a really hard time making it so that my student's faces were not day-glo white. So it was a little rough for me and I was nervous that I would not live up to the amount of money they were paying me to do this thing.

Yesterday, I went to KC's and we reviewed the photos we took, and I feel much better about the whole ordeal. We are going to watermark the degree conferral pictures as well as the seated portraits I took and they will be for sale. The candids and group shots will be available for download. I do not expect too many orders, to be honest, but we will see. I did get some really cute portraits, so I feel like those will be purchased, if anything. Who really wants their picture with our ceo getting their degree holder passed to them? Not I.

Taking the pictures was really fun, and I also realized that it helps to have a personality to go with it. What I mean is, I often had to get people together for group shots or cajole them into smiling genuinely, so it was beneficial to have a personality that encouraged that. So I feel like if I got the technical knowledge, that I have the eye and personality that would make me into a reasonable photographer. At least, I hope so.

Anyway, the ceremony was nice... they always do a really nice job with it. The food and decorations for the reception afterward was very classy and I was impressed with the floral arrangements. The day was exhausting. I got there at 9 and did not stop moving until I got home at 6. I flopped on the bed for 15 minutes and then we left and were off to Jon's church for a silent auction for the organ pipes. I also had not seen my in laws in about 6 weeks, so it was good to catch up with them and hear about their 3 week long trip to Scotland and the UK. All said and done though, we did not get home until 11:30 and I wanted to DIE.

Sunday was father's day so we headed over to my parent's house around noon and spent the day with them lounging by the pool and relaxing. Rehearsal that night was at PALCS, so at least we did not have to drive far. Despite the laid back day, I was still really wiped and my body was feeling it in a number of ways.

Monday started out with a $200 dentist appointment in the morning. I love the office and people, but they are ridiculously expensive. No cavities. :) I went to the bank to try to turn in our change jar, but naturally the machine broke literally as I walked in the door. Grumble. I know I did some other things this day, running errands, etc... and Monday night was aikido. Both Jon and I are testing on Friday, so we have to learn everything we need for the test. HERE is an example of one of the moves we need to do. I like kotegaishi, which is the part where the wrist is bent in an awkward way, forcing someone to the ground. I like it because it seems to fit naturally with my body - I do not have trouble doing it on even the tallest or biggest of people... and when it is done to me, its not too terribly painful because I am flexible.

Aikido has been really fun for Jon and I, despite bawling a few weeks ago during practice. It is hard for me, but I appreciate the challenge, and I do see some improvements in myself. Summer is brutal though. They leave the door open and I promise you I have never sweat that much in my LIFE. I have thought numerous times that if I was still on Lupron (and getting hot flashes) that I would not be able to continue aikido because I would probably pass out.

Tuesday was another early day as I got up to get my car inspected and oil changed. I then went to the nutritionist, and then over to school to finish a "needs" list for my new Microbiology course that I will be teaching in the spring. I am EXTREMELY excited for this course, though a little less-than-enthusiastic that they upped the student limit from 50 to 80 because so many kids were interested. I am hoping that I can scare them off a little bit by telling them in the beginning that just because it is a half credit does not mean its going to be a cake walk. I have a practical planned in lieu of a final that is going to knock their socks off if they are slacking. I met Jon at his bank, and we managed to turn in our change jar. $326!!!!!!!!! GO US! We splurged and.... put it right in the bank. :/ Stupid practicality. I went home, did some plumbing while being coached by Jon, which apparently has fixed our little water pressure issue. I then went to KCs for 2 hours to work on the pictures, so that was fun. I drove home in a lightening storm where lightening was literally hitting the ground within a mile of my car,so that was cool. Dinner was lobster bisque (mmm) and then I went back out to go to the doctors to appease my mother, who has been angry that my stomach has been more sensitive lately. Sigh. An hour sitting in a 65 degree doctors office and $30 for her to tell me that "if I am feeling better, then there is no reason to be here", I went home. Chris was over and hanging out, and he stayed til maybe 10:45ish. After THAT, Jon and I practice aikido til about 11:15, and then we crashed.

Today I got up around 8:45 (thanks for that text message waking me up, mom) and I have been cleaning and tidying and doing laundry since. We have rehearsal here tonight, so I want to make sure its actually presentable. Honestly, I need this kind of motivation to clean anyway, so even if I am going a bit overboard on cleaning the whole house, without the stimulation, I probably would not do it at all.

Here is what I have going on for the future...

Thursday ~ nothing during the day, but I get to take pregnancy pictures in the afternoon/evening of our friends! YAY! I am nervous about the shoot, but I am thinking a lot of black and white will be fun, so we will see what happens
Friday ~ nothing in the am, but that night is the 6th kyu test (eek!) and then out to Dave and Busters to celebrate our friends birthday. :)
Sat ~ Jon has several options for the day: seeing his sister, going to the dojo party, or going to Dorney Park. I suspect he will do Dorney and see his sister. I, however, will be going to work in the evening, so I will probably not do too much during the morning.
Sun ~ out to York for our friend's baby's baptism! Then driving back and heading to work.
Monday ~ nothing but aikido at night.
Tuesday ~ packing! That night, I leave for Goddard Space Center to return on Friday.
Wed-Fri ~ being a nerd
Sat ~ our hs friends are in town so they will be over for a little reunion. bbqing, fireworks, the like.
Sun ~ recovery?!

THEN it is finally summer where I really have no other plans but aikido, Project rehearsal, and working every other weekend. YAY!

So that is the update... things are good. We are starting to look into Australia and decide if we really want to be in New Zealand when its 45 degrees. Shrug. I am sure its still gorgeous, but I am not a big fan of freezing weather. We will see....

Prom

2010-06-07T20:55:00.004-04:00

I went to the prom on Thursday night. The Senior Citizen's Prom. After months of planning and mini breakdowns, it all came together and was over in 2 short hours.

I cannot claim credit for the idea. Our high school did it every year with the National Honors Society. A small group of students would head it up, but it had so much precedent, there was no concern over getting seniors or getting students to attend. Our school, being cyber, a) has never done anything like this and b) has a hard enough time getting a kid to answer their personal cell phone, let alone show up and dance with an elderly person.

I brought the idea to Anne, the person running NHS at our school, and she fortunately jumped right on board. We chose Wellington, a retirement community that is more like a lux hotel then old folks home. I contacted the activities director there and set up a meeting. She had some concerns, but was overall extremely enthusiastic. This was back in perhaps January.

I then went and got permission from the bigwigs at school. I chose a date and everyone was cool with it. It conflicted with some field trips, but oh well. We advertised to the students and 35 said that they wanted to be a part of it. And thus it began.

It was interesting to see the opposition cropping up like clockwork every few weeks. We created a survey to hand out to the seniors to get some information from them to help us shape the dance. Well, they did not want to dance. They did not want to get dressed up. They did not want to run for prom king and queen. We actually had a group of seniors gossiping negatively about the dance. You would think at 85 you would get over that, but apparently not. We decided to forge ahead. If we had a small group, so what? Easier for us. A few more weeks into planning, the activities director called and said we had to cancel the dance. This was near spring break, after we had been planning seriously for about a month. Her son was having an engagement party that night. My heart sunk and I wanted to throw up. I called her and begged her to reconsider, that we had already started planning things, the kids were already excited, we already had a dj and photographer. We chose to move the dance to Thursday night.
I cleared the date with everyone important, and we went ahead again. A few more weeks pass and I start hearing from students that they cannot come - their senior awards dinner is that night. Despite me clearing that date with the person who scheduled the dinner, "it could not be helped, it was the only date free." Excuse me, but no, it was NOT free, in fact. :| So then I started to get worried that we would have no kids. But again, we kept planning and kept going on.

In the end, we had about 25+ kids (I do not even know who was there in the end, considering I do not know what most of my students look like) and we had100 seniors. From something that was almost canceled from lack of interest and bad timing, we had a full blown party. It was bigger than my wedding.

And they loved it!

As I see it, there were only two downsides to the evening. First of all, they did not dance as much as I hoped. Their average age was 85. In my high school, they must have been in their 60's and 70's... I just thought at the ripe ole age of 17 that they were much more ancient than they actually were. The other downside is that we ran out of vanilla for root beer floats. Those old people love em some floats!

Other than that, I really think it went without a hitch. They were not bored, they loved interacting with the kids. We made a bazillion corsages that turned out very well. The decorations worked out great with generous donations of helium, a tank, and a bunch of metal lit star arches. The photographer was very wonderful and already asked if they could do it again for us next year. The DJ did a great job too. Both were free.

I was standing by the door as the seniors walked out and nearly every one wanted to shake my hand or kiss my cheek and tell me how wonderful the night was. "Like a regular old Saturday night!" I am so glad that we were able to provide that opportunity and memory for them. The kids were really fantastic with them, and some in particular really went out of their way to sit with the seniors and chat with them. I was so proud. I thing I feel confident about in cyber school is that the students are really nice. So many of them are shy and sweet and they do not have the prejudices that us jaded public school kids do. Fat, skinny, cute, ugly, old, young, it does not matter, they all hung out together, and it was beautiful to see.

I think what I loved best is that you could see some of the students growing. One girl, a very shy one in my honors bio class, came despite being utterly broken out in hives from an allergic reaction. Her mom told me that because of my class, she wants to go into medicine. How freaking amazing is that? And she is just a lovely, bright girl. Another girl, who is rather overweight and very afraid of public speaking, did a double dose of putting herself out there. Not only did she make friends with the skinny girls who knew each other, but she served as one of our emcees for the evening. She said to me today that she was now more excited to go on trips and do things at school because she knows people now and is not afraid of being alone or being judged. Another girl, who spent a good deal of the night sitting at tables with the seniors, came up to me and said that they were all amazing and she was so glad that she got to talk to them. Another student, who is ESL and sped, had a fantastic time and got to hang out with a bunch of new people who honestly did not even realize something was "off" about him. He is fantastic at the jitterbug, I might add, as he was my dance partner when we learned the other week. I had another, who looks like a freaking supermodel, come up and tell me that she loved the whole night and really wants to take a more active, in charge role next year. We had another girl set up with the photographers, and the spent the whole night teaching her about how to use a dSLR and to set up portrait shots and use different lighting and everything. So amazing.

Despite the mini breakdowns and all of the hard work on me and Anne's part, I am so happy that it happened, not only for the seniors, but for the students. They do want us back, which I think is the highest compliment. I need to get some much needed sleep before I even start considering it, but I know we will probably do it. :) In the three days before the prom, I constantly woke up at night with "prom" the first word in my mind and on my lips, just to fall back asleep. So silly.

Anyway, it was great and exhausting and now I get to move on to other things:
1. finishing the school year
2. graduation (and taking the photography there eek!)
3. kyu test at the end of the month
4. Project Philly has started!

No rest for the weary I suppose.

birfday

2010-05-30T21:37:00.004-04:00

So there it is. Or was. My birthday.

It came and went, but this year was a bit better than most.

On Thursday, Jon and I drove to The Grand Canyon. Uh, not the real one, the Pennsylvania one. We stayed at Falling Stars Farm, a bed and breakfast I would highly highly recommend to anyone looking for some relaxation. It turns out that the b&b is owned by a former co-worker of my mother. They built the 3 guest-room home as a b&b about 5 years ago. It is a log cabin and wood everywhere the eye can see. It is beautiful. The second floor is surrounded by a wide covered porch with chairs and swings. The only thing they needed but did not have was a hammock. The view overlooked the hilly fields and bluebird nesting boxes, as well as their fledgling Christmas tree farm. I suppose that is where the "farm" part comes in.

Unfortunately (though not entirely unexpectedly) we got off to a late start, so we did not get there until around 4:30 or 5, so we did not get to enjoy the home or the property (I think they said they had 43 acres?!) as much as I would have liked. We relaxed, had some tea and delicious chocolate chip and ranger cookies, and read on the porch for awhile. Around 7:30, we decided that cookies did not constitute dinner and headed into the town of Wellsboro to find a meal. On our way out, we met a random horse chewing some grass in a field. It had a rein, but there was no fence or anything holding it back. I tried to pet it, but it freaked out and went back to eating grass. Shrug.

We ended up at Wellsboro's historic hotel, complete with an 8 x 11 ft flag made of glass. Turns out the flag was commissioned to commemorate a war, and the only request was the it represented the company that painstakingly crafted it. Unfortunately, that glass factory made christmas ornaments. So the whole thing was made of Christmas balls, each about 3 inches in diameter. (gag) Fortunately though, it was entirely out of place with the rest of the hotel, which had an old-world get dressed up in your full length fur and take in a "picture" at the local theatre type feel. Dinner was good. Jon had some sort of steak... I had apple stuffing stuffed pork tenderloin smothered in apple butter. Uh, YUM. We also had really yummy soup there. We kept asking ourselves why we did not bring the camera because the town was so... Main Street. So cute. We could, actually, live there... if there were jobs to be had, I suppose.

We came home and more or less flopped into bed. Neither of us slept that well because HOLY COW do wooden houses hold their heat! We got up in the middle of the night and turned the fan on super high. It was better after that.

The next day, Kate and Ken, the owners, made us breakfast to order. I had a delicious smoothie, blueberry pancakes, and bacon. Jon had fried eggs, toast on homemade honey oat bread, homefries... and he even choked down some smoothie, which had banana in it, much to his horror. We sat and talked with the owners for a solid 2 hours over breakfast. It was suprisingly pleasant, given that I am TOTALLY not into polite conversation. But it just felt really relaxing and laid back and not pressured at all, like polite conversation can sometimes be.

We managed to leave the place around 12, I think, and we headed over to the Western Rim of the Canyon. There was actually not all that much to see on that side except bugs bugs and more bugs. You would think they would be down by the water, but no, they felt much more at home at 1700 ft elevation. Apparently. We walked around there for awhile, but then decided to get moving and get to camp.

We drove down to Pettecote Junction, which was about 45 minutes South. The drive was lovely. Lots of summer cabins along the way, most particularly, one named "Breaking Wind". Really, what were they thinking? The camp was... campy. They had permanent campers there, some you could rent, some spaces for traveling campers, and tenting spots. We got there maybe around 4 or 4:30 and proceeded to put up the Gilham's giant tent. We knew people would be getting in late, so we wanted to get it up before dark. It took us maybe a half hour, since we had no idea what we were doing. We then put up our tent in like 15 minutes. After that, we made a fire, and settled in to wait.

Les and Ben and the puppies showed up first. We got the dogs settled on lines, then put up two MORE tents. The people at the campground were amused by our shantytown. Nick and Josh showed up next, though it was dark by then. Kris, Krista, and Tyler finally made it around 9:30 or 10 and we spent most of the evening sitting around the fire, relaxing.

It is strange for me about camping... I sleep GREAT. Give me a hard ground and cold weather and I am out like a freaking rock. I love all the nature sounds. I love being warm and snuggly in a sleeping bag. Its just great. And for my birthday, Jon got me my own sleeping bag. My previous sleeping bag was purple nylon on the outside, polyester filling, and some kind of synthetic lining with pink, purple, and white tie-dye bursts on the inside. I have had it since I was.... old enough to go to sleepovers. In the past few years, it got sucked into the vortex that is my brother, and it has not been seen or heard of since. Needless to say, I needed a sleeping bag, and the one Jon got is AWESOME because it has height. Usually sleeping bags are just two pieces of fabric sewn at the edges. Mine has an additional strip at the edge, giving it some height, which means I can move my legs around. I sleep as spread eagle as I can get, so this bag is great for me, and it held up against the cold quite well.

The next day, we got up and Les and Ben made bacon and eggs for breakfast. I am pretty sure we more or less ruined their dutch oven... and I am sure we ruined our million dollar cephalon green ceramic coated griddle we got for our wedding... but it was worth it. At least now we have an official camping griddle. :/ After that, we headed back up through Wellsboro to hit the Eastern Rim of the Canyon. The thing is - not a lot of websites tell you exactly where the grandcanyon is. I thought it was all down Pine Creek. It isnt. So if you are planning a trip there, you want to be specific as to where you go, so that you are not 45 minutes away like we were. It worked out though, because the only grocery store within an hour was in Wellsboro.

At Josh's request, we did the Turkey trail, 9 switchbacks (partially planked with stairs) that took us from the top of the Canyon all the way down to the bottom. The trail was only a mile, but I think we covered several hundred feet in elevation. Going down was the easy part, despite me almost wiping out on the mud. There were lots of rivulets forming down the side of the Canyon, so some places were rather slippery and treacherous. No one died though, so we did well. Going up... not quite as much fun. Les and Ben took off first with the anxious dogs. Josh and I followed about a switchback and a half away. The right hand did not tell the left hand what it was doing, and as a result, the other half of our party had no idea where we went. Oops. :/ We all met back up at the top, sweaty, tired, but happy. We went into Wellsboro and ate at the memorial park in the center of their town and got attacked by caterpillars. It started to look like it would rain, so we packed up and went back to camp.

When we got there, our tent city had shifted. A handful of amused neighbors told us that one of our tents (which had sleeping bags, the 20 lb skillet, and a bunch of other things in it, had blown over in some strong winds, so they lashed it down for us. I am sure they were thinking "stupid city slickers". All of our other tents were pegged and lashed, but this one seemed like it would do okay on its own. Never assume!

A few of us took naps, a few played games, and a few went off to attempt to fish. I had the most lovely hot shower of my life. Everyone was more or less successful. :) That night, we had spaghetti for dinner and apple crisp for dessert, as well as smores and popcorn. Lots of yummy food. If nothing else, we know how to cook on a campfire.

Because it kept raining on and off, Les and Ben took the giant party tent (the one that blew over) and slept in there with the dogs. Josh slept with me and Jon. Snoring abounded and I wanted to kill everyone when I woke up at 7:30. The problem with camping is that you have to pack up and clean up your site... annoying. Josh made pancakes (whee!) and someone had the more or less brilliant idea of smores pancakes... sprinkle graham cracker in the batter, toast a marshmellow, wrap it and a piece of chocolate up in a pancake, kind of like a taco, and EAT. I think we ended up leaving the campsite around 11:30 or 12. The ride home was eh. Jon was a bit cranky (he usually is on the way home from anywhere because he just wants to BE home, so I can't blame him). We got home around 3:30 or 4... unpacked, ate dinner by 5:30, and spent a relaxing Sunday evening at home. It was quite nice.

On Monday (remember, the point of all this is to tell you about my birthday), I came in to my cubicle fabulously decorated, with gifts on my desk, each labeled with the day I was to open them. Yassara outdid herself, as usual. Each day was better than the rest. The first day included some blacksmithed items. :) Tuesday was a very lovely gift - nice words sent by all of you! I nearly cried, some were so nice. Thanks for thinking kindly of me, I am sure I do not deserve it. Wednesday was two handmade pens (awesome). That was my actual birthday, so other friends at work brought me some gifts including some great books, a beautiful fan, and cards. The day was hard because I was quite busy at work and we had aikido at night... and I was hotter than I have ever been in my life, hotflashes included. Thursday was... nothing. But that was balanced out because I had dinner with my family that night. Chris got me the new Super Mario Bros game. My parents (aka mom) had gotten me a longaberger table 2 months ago that counted towards this. But she did give me gifts from Jamaica. A very cool vase that smells like beef jerky, a cute dress, and a magnet. She got Jon a (ugh) sleeveless shirt... but he likes it. Anyway, the family dinner was very nice. On Friday, I was taken out to lunch and got my final birthday week present from Yassara. She had done a beautiful crossstitched piece - orchids - in colors that absolutely suit my palate. I already know where I am putting it... it fits perfectly in the guest room and I am going to put it on the wall you see when the door is open.

She really went out of her way to make it special, which I suppose is the benefit of having a) a very very thoughtful work spouse and b) having your own birthday fall after hers so that she feels like she has to match whatever effort you put forth. Honestly, what I did for her hardly matches up to what she did for me. Its funny because every time gift-giving rolls around, I think shes going to go crazy and spend a ton of money... but she never does. She could, but chooses not to. Instead, she gives of her talent, her arts and craftsiness, which is so much more valuable. I really appreciate it.

Historically, I get a little depressed around my birthday... not because I am all woe is me that I am getting older - I hardly even recognize that - but more than birthdays are usually kind of mundane days for me. And I guess deep in side of me I still hold to the idea that they should be special. The stupid thing is that I do not really go out of my way to make birthdays special for a lot of people. For some, yes, definitely. But for most, not really. And so part of my resolve this birthday is to try to make people's birthdays just a little special. Because, really, I DO think that the birth of my friends and my family is something to celebrate and rejoice in.

There is one rule that I hold to about birthdays - the birthday person should not have to make any decisions whatsoever regarding how the birthday is celebrated. They should be free from responsibility that day and just ride the tide of other's decisions. It is relaxing and freeing and a good way to spend a birthday. Much like your first birthday. Though you probably cried a lot more, and it was not relaxing.... it certainly was, uh, freeing. Hopefully the birthday person has people around them who know them well enough to make the decisions for them. :)

Anyway, thank you all who participated in my birthday, whether it was camping or putting in kind words or sending cards or presents. It was really good this year, and I feel good about it.

29 years old. Older yes. Wiser, probably not. ;)

on the hunt

2010-05-03T13:42:00.002-04:00

I had the rather interesting experience of going on a ghost hunt last weekend. I arranged with a philly company for a private tour in honor of my friend's birthday. We ended up as a group of 7 and we met our guide, Robin, at Signer's Garden near Independence Hall around dusk.

It was actually a really fun (and educational) time. We walked around the historic buildings of the area while she informed us of the uses of the buildings and the ghost stories associated with them. We paired off and each of us had EMF detectors. I am not really sure of the rationale behind it, but I guess ghosts are supposed to give off electromagnetic fields. The instrument itself was pretty simple. It had 3 lights on it: green for safe, yellow for caution, and red for DANGER! That made me laugh. I guess these devices are supposed to be used in legitimate ways to see whether current is still running through wires. But the thought of a red DANGER! light lighting up in the presence of a ghost seems comical to me.

In the end, we found.... nothing. We took lots of pictures, but most of the "orbs" in the shots were merely light artifacts that could easily be traced to streetlamps and passing cars. No faces, no apparitions, no tingly feeling on the backs of our necks. Zip.

That being said, its amazing how many bodies are all over the place in Philly and how most of the buildings in old city were built right on top of them. A body is a body, of course, but it does still seem a bit rude. One of the more interesting facts was that the second floor of Independence Hall used to be used as a hospital during the Revolutionary War. The paved esplanade in front of the building used to be a body pit, basically, as the soldiers died.

Overall, it was a fun, kinda of campy experience. I was not expecting much, and I was not disappointed. It would have been scarier if we had been allowed inside of the buildings.

Part 2 was the scary part.

But before we get to that, I think I should talk a bit about ghosts. Whenever you go on something like this, it begs the question "Do YOU believe?" Do I? I don't quite know. I guess the way I feel about it is this: I have never personally seen proof of spirits or ghosts, nor known anyone whom I trust who has had a definitive experience. That being said... just because I have not seen proof does not disprove it either. Overall, I try to maintain an open mind. The Bible speaks of spirits, and there is the Holy Spirit of course, which I totally believe in. It talks about possessions by spirits and the like. Missionaries that would talk to us in college would talk of such things as well. Just the same, I am not totally convinced that ghosts are out there either. Have I gotten the creepy feeling that someone is watching me? Sure. But I am a paranoid sort of person as well.

But then I also have to consider "the voices". I may have written about this before, I may not have, so bear with me. I hear voices. In my head. Maybe. They aren't the schizophrenic type of "kill kill kill" that people usually think of when someone says they hear voices. If hear them at all, it is usually at night, when everything is quiet and calm. The best way to describe it is that it sounds like a tv or radio has been left on in a distant room. You hear the noise, you know they are voices, but you cannot make out what they are saying. I liken what I hear to more of a radio sort of thing... like listening to KYW news radio. Except I cannot make out the words.

I know this sounds so utterly strange and probably a bit demented, but its been happening for a long time. I cannot remember when it started, but I know its been at least since Jr High. I am not sure if its neurons firing from an overworked day (kinda like a nap jerk) or whether it is something else. I still hear them if I have earplugs in, so I know its not something normally audible.

The first time I realized that it was NOT audible was in jr high. I had gone to bed, but my dad was still downstairs watching tv. I did not sleep very well at that age, and usually I laid in bed from 10 til 1 in the morning, listening to Love Line, trying to fall asleep. Anyway, I did not have the radio on (the snooze went off) and I heard my dad come up to bed. Once he settled down and the house was quiet, I started noticing the voices. I laid there for awhile, pretty darn annoyed, because they were loud. Of course, not loud enough to understand, just beyond the brink of comprehensible words. I tossed and turned for awhile, completely bothered, and figured that my dad must have left the tv on. I finally crawled out of bed and went down the stairs and leaned over the railing. Everything was off and dark. THAT creeped me out. So I raced back to bed, dove under the covers, and ignored it til I fell asleep.

Since that time, sometimes its louder, sometimes its not there at all. I just sort of accept it as background noise when I am laying in bed if it is there. I try not to pay attention to it too much... though once or twice it has caused me to ask Jon if he left the tv on (no).

But what the heck is it? I am more inclined to think its just left over information swarming around my brain from the day. I don't think I have any special gift to "hear voices from the beyond" or whatever. But some people (including ones I took ghost hunting) seem to think that is what it is and that I should work harder at hearing whatever it is they (its a guy and a girl, always a guy, sometimes the girl) are saying. For all I know, they are recounting sports stats. It do not get the impression that it is directed towards me. It just sounds like I am overhearing a newscast. Shrug.

So Part 2...

After touring Philly, Jon helped arrange for us to go to Pennhurst Asylum in Spring City, PA. The place used to be amazing and you can tell it was gorgeous. It got shut down in 1987 though due to health and human rights violations. It was incredibly overpopulated and understaffed. When it was closed down, everything was left as-is and nature was allowed to take its course. The result in the past 23 years is dense forest and brush. The buildings themselves are all broken windows and have quite a bit of graffiti on the inside. A shame, because they used to be beautiful.

Jon's coworker does security during the nights - out on the prowl for kids who like to consider themselves "urban explorers" and others who like the occult aspect of the place.

I had a RAGING headache while I was there (so if there were voices to be heard, I could not hear them), but what I did notice was how utterly silent it was. It was starting to rain, and it was a bit cool.... but I did not hear any birds or crickets or frogs. Even the frog we found was not making a sound. It was the perfect example of a "hushed" place.

We did bust 3 kids who were exploring. As a result of their criminal breaking and entering, we got the chance to go into the administration building and look into the tunnels. Extremely long concrete tunnels connect every building on the 800 acres of Pennhurst. Talk. About. CREEPY. The echo given off was like a whole separate person, it was that delayed. Eep. I was not too thrilled with going inside. Being outside, in the open, where I can fight or run, is totally different from being in the basement of an old abandoned building where children were essentially in pain. There was much not to like.

Just the same, we did not find any ghosties or spirits or anything out of sorts there aside from the kids who were not supposed to be there. Still, I was scared and I would not want to be left alone in that darkened quiet. No way. My friends are a bit more adventurous than I am, being believers, wanting proof.....

But for me, if proof shows up of something, good I guess. If not, that is fine too. I do not really see the benefit to having proof. I already am confident in the human soul and its ability to outlast the human body. It is heartbreaking to consider the possibility of spirits who are stuck where they should not be, reliving ancient tortures, not being able to move on. I do not really want proof of that.

Overall, it was a fun evening and I would LOVE to go back during the day and get pictures of the decay. Talk about a fun photo assignment... It was a good time with friends and I know the birthday girl really appreciated it, and that was the most important part.

A Philadelphia Love Affair

2010-03-22T09:34:00.000-04:00

I was in Philly for the NSTA conference from Wednesday evening through the morning on Sat. Since the time I lived in center city, I have not had the opportunity to spend that much time in Philadelphia. Though we might come in to visit friends, get cheesesteaks, or get engaged... :) ...most of the time my visits have a very specific purpose and I have not had the freedom to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

I missed it.

As much as I adore the seasons and love the woods and trees and lakes and mountains and nature, I thoroughly enjoyed living in the city. I love that my legs are screaming because I walked miles and miles over the past few days. I love the architecture. I love the fresh foods available every day. I love the variety of people. I love the variety of detail and beauty that can be found in Philly. Though I cannot say I would be a city-dweller all of my life, I could easily and happily move out of borderline-amish country and back into town.

The conference was a much bigger deal than I really expected. Although I knew the NSTA was a very large and powerful organization, I had no idea it would be SO HUGE. Basically there are two main parts: the exhibition hall (like a craft show... of SCIENCE SUPPLIES! EEK!), and the lectures. At any given time, from 8 am to 6 pm, there were at least 20 different lectures happening in the convention center, marriott, loews, and sheraton. You could pick and choose what you wanted to go to... or you could go to none of them at all. It was all up to you.

Some highlights:

- 4 tote bags (large tote bags) of free swag.... posters, BOOKS (like FULL textbooks!), lab supplies, protozoa (9 species... all alive... all probably cooking quite nicely in my car), informational packets, lesson plans, lab goggles, a simple microscope.... it was enough that I had to ask the very nice bellhop at the hotel to help me get all my junk to my car today when I left

- I got my picture will Bill Nye. Yes, the science guy.

- I went to a lot of lectures that actually revitalized my will to teach..... in a brick and mortar. Hmm.

- I have a few ideas for some other interesting career paths

The girls and I had a great time. In fact, I left the three of them down there because some of us have other jobs to go to. I was sad to leave, and although I had a great time at the conference, the better part was the free time to walk around the city with a base of operations close at hand.

On Thursday night, we went to dinner at the Italian Bistro (which is one of my favs, just ignore the mice...) and then walked down to the Kimmel center and over to Rittenhouse Square and back to the hotel. 65 degree weather and Philly at night.... wonderful. Everyone was out and about, enjoying the warm weather.

On Friday, I went to some lectures in the morning, grabbed lunch, then decided to take my swag back to the hotel because it was HEAVY and I needed a mental break. I grabbed my camera and got incredibly distracted on the way home. I walked down to Rittenhouse, over to Kimmel, back up Broad to City Hall... in an hour and a half. Needless to say, I made good use of my camera. I met up with Yassara and we went back to the hotel, dropped off her stuff, then went up to the Franklin Insitute, making a trip into the Cathedral of St Peter & Paul on the way. What a gorgeous chuch - I could do some serious damage in there if I had a tripod. And if I wasnt cursing my shutter clicking away. Definitely a downside to a dSLR. Once I scared away the 3 people in the huge church who were praying, it went a bit easier.

Being downtown brought back a lot of memories, both bitter and sweet.

I remember walking to work in the morning from my apartment. It was about half a mile. It was the best in the spring... still a bit brisk, but a nice warm sun, people walking to their own jobs, and everything felt good

I remember walking to the reading terminal market for fresh meats and veggies and fruits. It is no wonder that I gained a ton of weight while I was there! Thank goodness that is gone!

I remember running down to Penn's Landing, sitting and looking out at the admittedly dirty water, feeling peaceful.

I remember feeling like the world was at my fingertips, and that it was just up to me to decide where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do.

I remember Lily as a little tiny kitten and how excited she was when I would come home

and of course...

I remember feeling like I was not sure who I was anymore. I remember being incredibly sad that I could not share it with Jon. I remember hating myself. I remember having nightmares and being afraid and lonely. I remember feeling like I lost myself and not knowing when I would find me again.

It was like I was in a great place environmentally, and a terrible dark place personally. A bitter sweet time for sure.

This weekend definitely brought that back. One of my friends asked me on Friday what was wrong with me, that I seemed blah. And I think it must have been those memories and feelings coming over me. I was drinking everything in... partially because I felt so empty then. The past few days have been good for me because they have really forced me to reflect on how things have changed. It was 2003 when I moved back home. It is now 2010. It is cliche, but it feels like yesterday. I think it is important to feel that time so near because it helps me keep perspective when I am down or blah. It also helps me with teaching because a lot of my kids feel that way every day, and it is good to remember that.

So my time the past few days have been really wonderful. I have gotten to take myself on my own photo-assignment, which was great. I did a lot of walking, got a lot of sun. I ate a LOT of good food (fresh mango/orange/guava juice, fresh banana/stawberry/kiwi smoothies, sopressata and geno with sharp cheddar roasted peppers and olive tapenade on foccacia, fresh mozz with olive tapenade and basil and marinated tomatoes on sarcone rolls, chinese tea, chicken tempura maki rolls with cucumber and avocado and roe.... I could go on.... oh, could I go on...). The best part of it all though was just hanging out with my friends. I am lucky that the friends I have made at work are actually more friends that I happen to work with as well. We had a really great time.

Next year: San Franscisco. BRING IT!

rain

2010-03-13T20:21:00.002-05:00

It has been a really rainy day.... but overall, a really nice March. It actually seems to be full of babies, which is a good thing for the parents, I suppose.

Jon and I have been trying to figure out the whole "family" thing... when to start, and whatnot. It is not exactly the easiest decision for us because there are several factors playing into it.

1) Lupron. Since I ended the drugs in late Oct, I had to give my body time to get back on track. Usually, it takes the body about 2 months before you have a period. Well, if you have been reading this blog, then you know already I did not get it again til late January (3 months). My second one I only got this past week. So that took another 6-7 weeks. Anyway, more conservative estimates say that you should give yourself 6 months for the drugs totally get out of your system before getting pregnant... which means April-May. We sort of thought summer sounded appropriate.

2) Endometriosis. When I had my laparoscopy a few years ago, my endo was mostly on the outside of my uterus. Recently, I found out that this could mean pain when I first get pregnant since the scars need to stretch and break. Anyway, though the scarring was not inside, that does not necessarily mean it is not inside now. Scarring on the ovaries or in the fallopian tubes can make it really hard for my eggs to get to the right place. More scars = less fertility. And honestly, we just don't know. The longer we wait, the more of a gamble it is, the more difficult (or impossible) it might be.

3) Jobs / Timing. To time it best for my FMLA leave from school, its best to have a kid around March/April so that I can take off the last bit of school and then have the whole summer with the kid. However, both of us want new jobs... so.... we have to consider when to do that in respect to having (and being able to pay for) a kid.

4) Travel. I want to travel. Jon is willing to be dragged along with my whims, it seems. This summer we are too busy with Project Philly to have the time to go away. Plus, we decided we really want to go to Australia. And make it AWESOME. So if we want to do that, we need to have time to plan, and we need to have the money to pay for it and the ability to take a few weeks off.

Ultimately, we have decided the following...

We are going to take the gamble and wait to have a kid. We are going to try to plan a trip to Australia for next summer, and get pregnant after that. In the meantime, we will both be looking for jobs. I feel a bit hesitant about this... just because before the travel thing came up, I was sort of mentally getting myself ready to try for a family. Yet, with everyone around us having kids... when I hold them, I do not really feel maternal and I think, ugh, do you have to hold babies constantly!? Which sort of shows me I am really not all that mentally ready for that kind of change.

And so, I think this decision is a smart one for us. We can take the next year to figure out our jobs... save up money... plan a freakin awesome trip... and spend a bit more time just being married and having fun.

I admit - I am really scared by the possibility that my endo may come back en force or I may be scarred up enough that having a child will be impossible. I am fully open to adoption, and I have forever felt like maybe I would adopt no matter what my ability level was... It is scary though, the thought that one year could change everything. I have to trust that our kids are out there somewhere, whether genetically ours or not. I know we will have a family some day... and taking the time to live life a bit might seem a bit selfish, but I think it will put us in a more stable position for that family some day.

Plus there is no way I am toting babies across Australia. :)

kids thoughts on global warming

2010-02-22T13:19:00.002-05:00

One of my absolute favorite lessons I have created for my students centers on climate change.

Here is the information I gave to them: http://locker.palcs.org/%7Eesamuels/ecology/climate/indexclimatechange.html

I asked them several questions. At the end, I asked them what they thought about the data. Here are some of their responses:

I do not necessarily agree with all that was presented here. Because I do not believe the Earth is millions of years old, I believe it is under 10,000 years old, I see that the ice core data chart ought to be compressed into lesser years, perhaps for every 50 million years on the chart should be 50 years. The carbon level and temperature level is ever changing. I do believe in climate fluctuation but I do not think it has to do with the amount of carbon levels in the atmosphere. The Earth is constantly heating and cooling. People that believe global warming is true really have nothing to go on with the record breaking snow fall this Winter.

I never realized how much carbon dioxide was in the air. I think we do need to cut back on the amount of carbon dioxide we put into the air but I dont believe global warming is as big of a threat as people make it out to be.

I found this information to be very interesting and it really made me think about the different effects that everything has on the earth. I never really gave a lot of thought to all the changes that are taking place but now I am more aware more interested in doing what I can to help.

My reaction is that there really does need to be something done. Everyone should pitch in and do their part to help reduce the CO2 that is being put into the atmosphere. Every little bit would help. I think it could be reversed if people try to help.

After viewing this data, I would like to do more research on my own on the effects of global warming. I was always under the impression that global warming was being dramatically overplayed by the media. I now have doubts about that and would like to find out more on my own.

My reaction to this data was shocking. I did not know about most of the data discussed and I definitely found them interesting. Over all, I think the data concludes that higher temperatures occurring and are affecting so many aspects of the planet we live on.

Well, my family is pretty up on their science, especially my dad. And two days ago (February 15, 2010,). Professor Phil Jones basically made a retreat from his claims on climate change.
MAIL ON SUNDAY COMMENT: The professor's amazing climate change retreat

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1250813/MAIL-ON-SUNDAY-COMMENT-The-professors-amazing-climate-change-retreat.html

Check out this link. This article is shocking, go read it.
"Even more strikingly, he also sounds much less ebullient about the basic theory, admitting that there is little difference between global warming rates in the nineties and in two previous periods since 1860, and accepting that from 1995 to now there has been no statistically significant warming."- Quote from the article.

I am not trying to slam global warming, climate change, or what I am learning. I am just answering the question of my reaction to the data based upon knowledge I had obtained prior to this lesson.

I think that the data here is strong evidence that the world is getting hot. People should be doing more to protect the Earth, and this is definitely going to motivate me.

My reaction to this data is that the Earth is going through a natural warming cycle and humans are just making the rising temperature be higher and higher.

In reaction to this data, I have realized just how serious global warming in is, and it scientifically affirmed my beliefs in the fact that global warming is a reality, and that it can have serious climate changing effects on out planet.

I had a previous understanding of the dire situation of global warming and its effects, so while I am disgusted that it has become such a problem, I am not shocked.

The world is always changing and it always will. The earth has had is hot and cold time periods and we are just in the hot part. The earth just completed an ice age and we are just speeding things up with the green house effect. In the time span of the Earth this did not happen all that long ago. No matter what we do, the world will live on and we need to adapt to survive.

At least I can say with some measure of certainty that they are THINKING. I love how their answers sort of run the gamut, but they are somewhat passionate about it.

Nanny

2010-02-11T14:03:00.002-05:00

Jon's paternal grandmother, Nanny, passed away on January 26th. You can see her obit here.

I do not remember the first time I met Nanny, but I do remember the first, and only, time I was at her house in Connecticut. It was the first time Jon took me to Maine with his family, the summer between our Freshman and Soph years of college. We stopped by and I think slept over en route. I do not recall much from the visit except that there were a lot of plants, the stairs were narrow, and a vaguely remember ugly carpet.

She moved to PA about 6 (8??) years ago. Since then, we have spent many birthdays and holidays with her. She has been an integral part of Nicol celebrations.

It has been a rough road though, particularly the past two years as her mobility and mental health declined. She had good days and bad days. Her last really good day was on Christmas. Jon and I went to see her, along with Jon's parents. She was awake, alert, and even cracked jokes. It was really great to see her like that, and it was also the last time I saw her at all.

After that, her mental health got much worse and her doctor's took to sedating her to keep her calm instead of confused and anxious. Hospice decided to take her off of her medications and as her physical body prepared to pass, she stopped eating. Jon and his sisters were able to see her the evening before she died, though she was sleeping, it was hard on all. The following day, she died, and again the family went to visit her and pray for her.

In some ways, her passing was a relief. Nurses and the chaplain at her nursing home said that in her final days, she started to see her husband, who went before her, along with her mother and sister. It has been heart-breaking for Jon's dad to watch her age, as well. Like my own grandfather, it was just the right time, and leaving this existence was the best situation.

The first service was on Friday, at the nursing home. A few of her friends at the home came, and the chaplain there did a really fantastic job. She spoke of how vibrant Nanny was and how she drew people to her with her vitality. I wish I had gotten to see that side of her when she was alive, but I know the memory burns strong in Jon and his sister's minds. Elyza was crawling all over the place and Theo did a pretty amazing army crawl across the room, but those were the only distractions. We sang How Great Thou Art, which apparently always brings me to tears. It is just an emotional song... for me tied up in memories of my wedding, my grandparents, funerals, and some other things.

That evening, it took an hour to get home in ridiculous snow. On Sat, we were snowed in and because of the amount of snow we had, the funeral at church had to be moved to Sunday. Overall, it worked out, because it allowed everyone a bit more time to get ready and for the funeral to be what Jon's dad wanted it to be. I think not quite as many people came as expected due to the weather, but there was a strong showing of support for the family.

I think the hardest part for Jon's dad is that he really does not have a lot of "original" family left. I mean, he has us, and he has two cousins, but both of his parents and his aunt and uncle are gone. That is just very difficult for anyone. I am hoping that he gets some time to really absorb it all and grieve. It is tough to do that with 4 little kids running around the house. :)

Anyway, her passing went well, if you could say that? Everyone got to see her before she died, and everyone got to celebrate her life in the way that they wanted to. A happy, temporary ending. She is out there.

I think one of the most interesting parts of this tale have to do with Tait. He is 5. I was working on a picture board for the ceremony and Tait told me that he missed Nanny. I said, Well, you know she is there with you, and watching you, and loving you. He goes, Yeah, I know.

Later, we were reading a book about volcanos and tube worms near undersea vents. He said that one of them looked like it was dead, like Nanny. I asked Tait if he thought that tube worms went to Heaven. He thought quite a bit about this and said, maybe there is an undersea cave Heaven where tube worms go when they die. He is adorable.

grr

2010-02-02T13:25:00.001-05:00

In times of distress, I prefer to write. I am a little bit angry and my injustice meter is letting off a resounding wail… so here it goes.

It is my personal opinion that a teacher’s opinions should be kept out of the classroom. (Yes, I get the irony.) I don’t care if you think teaching grammar is a waste of time, it is still important for students to learn it. I don’t care if you find WWII a snooze-fest, kids still need to learn it. Hate foreign languages? Don’t care. Kids should be bilingual if possible – learning a new language challenges their brains in ways they otherwise wouldn’t. Could care less that 2x + 1 = 5, what is x? It’s a valuable exercise for students.

Normally, it is not a huge issue for most teachers. But then, very few teachers I know are science teachers, particularly life science teachers. I am fairly certain that my biology course contains some of the most controversial topics that a student can learn in school – particularly evolution and global warming.

Here is the thing: I absolutely do not care if you are a born again fire and brimstone my buddy Jesus evangelizing Christian. Yay for you, that is wonderful, really, and I would never deny anyone their right to faith and believing whatever they want to believe… but if you are a science teacher, set it aside.

I strongly feel that the job of a science teacher is to present science. Allow kids to think for themselves. It is not for us to make up their minds. Present them with the scientific perspective. That is what you have been trained to do, that is what you are paid to do.

Now, a lot of evangelical Christians might say that being a life science teacher is the perfect opportunity to get kids thinking about God. And yes, it is. I will not argue with you there. And I think it is very important for them to consider all sides of the story… but in my role as a science teacher, it is NOT up to me to make sure that happens.

There is no problem bringing up the controversy. Tell kids WHY there is controversy. Explain to them what other people say about it, why they get into such an uproar over evolution. Be careful to tell them why some people disagree with the idea of global warming. Do these things, show them that there is more than one side, but do not give them your opinion. Encourage them to come up with their own opinion. Encourage them to research on their own and to really question what they think and believe. Do these things, but sheesh, leave your own agenda out of it.

Kids are so impressionable. And every year, I get kids who want to know what I think about it. I refuse each time. Why? Because I know that they look up to me. When I say something, it has stock. I do not want MY opinion swaying theirs. I desperately want them to use their critical thinking skills and figure things out for themselves. They need to weigh scientific evidence AND they need to engage with their parents / churches / friends over this information.

A lot of parents at my school would have no issue if I just said, Well, I think God did it all. Truthfully, I do think God did it all, but that does not mean I think evolution does not happen, and it does not mean I don’t think global warming is a pressing and important issue. I think the earth IS billions of years old. I think we really DO need to curb our carbon dioxide emissions. And I do think God is the root of all of it. Many people would have little problem if I said this to my students.

But what if I said that the earth is on the back of a giant turtle (Native American creation story) or that I thought in my next earthly life, I would probably be a cat (reincarnation) or that the Holocaust did not happen. Most would take issue, right? Well I take huge issue when science teachers start saying that evolution is a bunch of scientific myth (because it’s “just a theory”) or that global warming is just a money making government scam that is really just a natural earthly pattern of warming and cooling. That REALLY bothers me. A lot. A lot a lot. What if that was happening to your kid?

Sure, bring up the controversy. Again, nothing wrong with telling students the reasons that people take issue with it. There is nothing wrong with saying that some people feel that global warming is an over-reaction and exploring why people might feel that way. But when a teacher goes over the line and blatantly says their own opinion on this stuff, I really want to crack some skulls.

In short, students are impressionable, even if they think that they aren’t. As a science teacher, it is our duty to present the scientific side of things, and, at times, explore why there is controversy. It is NOT our position to state our opinions. Teachers can think what they want to think, but ultimately we are actors on a stage and even if you do not believe in what you are saying, you still need to explain that perspective. Attempt to work without bias. It will creep in, no doubt, but try not to let it. Let the kids make up their own minds. I know it is what I want for my own future kids – to weigh the ideas presented to them and have the courage and conviction to decide for themselves what to agree with and what to believe.

Honestly, I could go on for hours because I feel so passionate about this topic. The reason I am so uppity about it today is because one of our teachers blatantly said to students in a lesson that global warming is a money-making scam for the government. If we all just agreed that this warming period is merely a natural warming phase that the earth goes through, then everything would be fine. Literally. This particular teacher stated that developing nations cannot develop because of the restrictions on non-renewable resources and thus the people are going hungry, etc. (Note: this particular teacher is of the “young earth” philosophy, yet, somehow, global warming is a natural phase that happens every few tens of thousands of years… I guess that contradiction in personal philosophy has not been pointed out yet?) It drives me insane that this teacher has been getting away with it and our administration has, so far, not cared. There are now about 100 students who think it is all a hoax.

The thing is… if they want to think it is a hoax, and that is what their parents believe, and that is what their pastors believe, that is FINE. But science teachers are not the parents, not the pastors… so to “teach” something so directly against what science is saying…. I cannot explain how angry it makes me.

Ultimately, leave your agenda at home. Teach science. That is what I would want for my kids, and I want to give every parent the right to educate their student as they see fit. If what I explain as science’s perspective does not jive with their personal philosophy, then the parent should set the kid straight.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Welcome back

2010-01-29T10:06:00.001-05:00

I realize that very few people probably like to hear about / discuss women’s monthly functions, but I sort of feel like it is my duty to educate and put it out there, even if no one ends up reading this. At least it is there somewhere.

To quickly summarize: I got my original Lupron shot in May. It is a three month shot that disrupts hormonal function so that your body is not producing any estrogen. It affects the ovaries as well as the pituitary gland. Along with a lack of a period, you are thrown into false menopause, replete with night sweats, trouble sleeping, hot flashes, and moodiness. Oh, and bone loss.

Endometriosis is a condition where your endometrium (which is normally supposed to be in your uterus) manages to make its way to other parts of the body. Each month it grows and bleeds. Its like having a period inside of your body but with no where for it to go. The end result is often scarring and pain. Lots of pain. Science is unsure of how those cells get outside of where they are supposed to be. They are also not sure why a little bit of endo can cause a lot of pain and sometimes a lot of endo goes un-noticed until a girl cannot get pregnant and they find out it is due to the scar tissue.

The thought behind Lupron is that since your estrogen shuts down and you stop having your period, your body has time to essentially “eat up” the endo in other parts of your body.

I got my second shot of Lupron in August, during which I bled for about 4 weeks. Not painful. Just bleeding. I had to take estrogen to get it to stop, which is sort of counter-intuitive.

Anyway, the second shot was to wear off in Oct. Approximately two weeks before that date, I bled. Same thing as before… not painful really, but constant bleeding. It stopped within a week and then everything went freaking INSANE.

A couple of things happened to my body that I was quite unprepared for. First of all: hot flashes. DEAR LORD. I had hot flashes during the 6 month treatment, but I was taking progesterone add-back therapy to prevent bone loss, which curbed the intensity of the hot flashes. When the shot was up, I did not have to take progesterone anymore. Hot flashes came back with a VENGENCE. Holy. Cow. It was rough.

Good news on that though… about 2 weeks ago (beginning of January), I stopped having hot flashes and being insufferably warm all the time. Back to cold frigid wears a scarf and gloves at all times me. Umm… yay?

It is worth it to note though that ALL of Oct, ALL of Nov, and ALL of Dec were full of hot flashes. And night sweats. And poor sleep.

Now the thing about Lupron is that once the shot wears off, you are supposed to get your period within 2 months… so I was banking on about mid December. Yeah, nothing. A very paranoid me was worried that I had accidentally gotten pregnant. Unlikely, given that we do use protection, but you never know. Actually, paranoid is not really a great word for it… very scared is probably more appropriate. Another point Lupron does not do a great job of telling you is that it can cause birth defects if you get pregnant while you are on it…or before it is completely out of your system. Overall, it seems like most docs recommend waiting at least 6 months to be sure that your hormones are back up to snuff before trying to get pregnant due to the risk of abnormalities. So yeah, not getting my period when I was supposed to was pretty scary because the last thing I wanted to do was screw up my future kid.

Turns out, I wasn’t. I am proud to announce that on Monday of this week, I actually got a legitimate period. Sorry if that is too much detail, but it is what it is.

So far, it has been…. Interesting.

I am not in pain. That is a major plus. Yeah, a bit of cramping, but definitely not in the gut-wrenching agonizing pain that I felt before. So that is pretty awesome. The sucky part is that the nausea is still there. I can count on one had the food items I have eaten since Monday. I have just been very nauseated, which hopefully I can talk to my ob-gyn about treating. I know for some people, that does not sound so bad and truthfully in comparison to how I used to feel, its really not… but its bad enough that it brings me to tears. So I definitely need to look into how to fix that. I also had the normal water retention that I have always had before my period. Nothing like literally watching your boobs grow a cup size in the span of a week. I would never post them, but I actually took pictures of the rise and fall one time. It was pretty amazing to see them swell up like that. I swear one of these days that being scientific and a camera enthusiast is going to somehow get me into trouble.

Overall, prognosis good. So far, I think putting my body through chemical and hormonal torture has had good results, but there is one other major symptom that I feel the need to mention…

I am so freakin tight. Um… down there. You know those Kegel exercise they recommend you do? Yeah, it feels like that down there all the time, without me even trying to clench my muscles. The end result is that making love to my incredibly understanding and wonderful husband has been a huge challenge. It hurts. And there is quite literally nothing I can do to relax those muscles because I am not doing it on purpose in the first place. It has gotten better over the past three months, but in the beginning, it was tight to the point of actually causing some ripping when I would stubbornly decide that I was going to do it no matter what my body thought about it. Stupid me.

I am very hopeful that now that I have actually gotten my period and my hormones are coming back into balance, that that will improve too. Of course, that remains yet to be seen. Wish me luck!

So that is the update…

January has been hard. I started taking aikido 3 nights a week. Jon had his birthday. His grandmother passed away this week, but I will wait to post on that until after her funeral services. My grandmother has moved in with my Aunt, which seems like a good situation for her. Two of my other Aunts are in the middle of some serious Jerry-Spring-like family drama. There has been a lot of personal news, both good and bad. Time keeps moving on.

January 9th, 2009

2010-01-12T08:51:00.001-05:00

Today Jon and I had the fortune of attending the funeral of Christine Palmer, mother of our good friend David. It was the third funeral I have ever been to, and the one I was most removed from.

I think I had met Chris once or twice in passing, always at O'Gradys in P-ville. Jon's dad played the organ at their wedding, and they have several connections to our family through church and through Eastern College. As our time with David and Susannah as a couple have been limited, since they live in Brooklyn, we never got the chance to know Chris beyond a name mentioned or a story told.

I wish we had.

The funeral began at 10:30 and lasted until around 1:15, only cut short because funerals cannot go on forever. The church was quite full and many people got the opportunity to speak their piece about Mrs. Palmer. She was a math teacher for 30 years and a youth director for quite some time. She was extremely active in church and touched a great many lives. Everyone noted her compassion, her intellect, her intuition, her servant's heart, and her passion for fath, love, and giving. Though we have never known Chris, we can see her in David because he embodies the very things that his mother was in her lifetime. It was impressive to see what an impact she made on those around her. I can only say that one who is loved so much is only that way because they themselves have loved in abundance. I am glad we were able to honor her today be attending.

I cried. A lot. In fact, it was hard to keep it together as much as I did. Seeing David and Sus so sad was heartbreaking. Yet, everyone dies. It is a fact of life, and not one that makes me particularly sad. I realize that death is only sad for the living, and that Chris is full of joy now. Seeing her body in the casket was seeing just a shell. I am affirmed over and over again that we are not our bodies, though we temporarly use them as a vehicle. Our true selves are spirit.

I am also reminded that we always want our parents. We want to see them as perfect, we always want to count on them. We always want them close, whether we realize it or not. Whether we are 3 and have a boo-boo or 30 and need advice on our own child... whether we are 50 and fully capable of making our own decisions or 80 and wondering at the great beyond.

Though you may not think so, I believe this structure has been put into place to remind us of how God wants to be close to his children, and how we always ache for something more. Throwing all religious rhetoric out the window, ignoring all different factions and sects and dominations, I think this is a fundamental truth of all beliefs. We want to be near to our maker, as our maker wants to be near to us.

I say it was our fortune to attend the service today not only to celebrate the lives Chris touched, but to remember something that I am absolutely sure that she would agree with: God wants us, and we want God. Whether on the surface we know that or not, our spirit, our true selves, knows it.

And so death is a brief parting in the grand scheme of things.... she has returned to her maker, as her soul wanted to do, as we will all do some day. Reunited. Together.

Holidays

2010-01-08T11:13:00.002-05:00

The holidays were busy, to say the least...

Christmas Eve ~ I was going to have a mental breakdown if the house was not cleaned up, so we spent most of the morning scouring the place. It needed the help and it was a wonderful feeling when it was all done, even if we did not quite get as far as I wanted to. Jon and I met up with Mike & Mary and Ellen & Kevin & baby Abigail at the Melting Pot at 5. 3.5 hours later... we all rolled ourselves away from the cheesy chocolatey dippy goodness. Jon and I with with Ellen and Kevin and Abigail to the 9:30 service at church. We were supposed to go to church with my mom, but we mistakenly screwed up the time, so ended up in P-ville. Afterward, we drove back to my parent's to open our one Christmas Eve gift. :)

Christmas Day ~ Nothing like waking up at 7 am on your day off. We got up and I made a spectacular baked apple french toast, heavy on the nutmeg. We got to Jon's parent's at 9:30 where eating of said awesomeness occurred. We then opened presents. They got me an amazing 35mm lens that I am absolutely in love with. They got Jon a tool box. I am pretty sure I won out on the deal, but Jon is really excited about the toolbox. :)

After the presents, we raced out to visit Nanny. She was having a really good day, which is rarer and rarer. She knew who we were and even cracked some jokes. It was pretty great and one of the best presents Jon's dad could have gotten.

We got to my folk's at 1:30, where we opened more presents. This year, my mom decided to give us lighting for Christmas. She got us a new hallway light and a beautiful chandelier to replace the cheap gold thing that came with our townhome. Now we just need dining room tables and we are set to party.

Jon's parents came over around 4:30 and all of us sat down to leg of lamb. Oh the irony of having lamb at Christmas and Easter! :P It was delicious and it was nice to have a reasonably calm evening with the family.

We got home around 8:30 and opened each other's presents... following it up with falling asleep on the couch while watching The Soup. A good day had by all.

Sat 26th ~ I worked this day and it was rather busy.

Sun 27th ~ On this morning, we met up with our d-town friends for breakfast, again waking up around 7 am. It was really great to see everyone while they were home, though I would have loved to have a few more hours... or days. :) Jon and I then went to the mall to exchange some scrubs and I got new awesome ones that are super soft. Nice scrubs are stupid expensive, but a worthy investment. I am now going to pay extra attention not to drop blood / urine / mineral oil on them while at the hospital.
I worked this evening and again, it was too busy for my liking...

Mon 28th ~ I had to pack in the morning and we got on the road around 11 to go to Maine. The trip was quiet, I drove most of the way. We got there around 6 and went directly to Gwen's to see the fam and the kids. Mattea got a parakeet for Christmas, Snowy, and was very excited to show her off. We left to go to Grammie's at 8:30 ish and turned in relatively soon after that. Jon and I got the river room (my favorite, which, duh, overlooks the river) and we both slept like rocks, despite Uncle Philip doing his best to saw logs in the adjacent room.

Tues 29th ~ Deb came today! We hired our wedding photographer to do some family pictures of the entire clan. Let me tell you, that woman works hard. She took about 800 shots in an hour and a half's worth of time. We actually just got the pictures a few days ago and they rock. The kids are so photogenic. It was really fun, though exhausting for all. Deb brought along her daughter, Stella, who took to Jon quite easily and had a good time playing with Tait and Theo. At one point, Jon had Theo on his shoulders, Stella and Tait on his legs, and Mattea was trying to get a piggyback ride. :)
The rest of the day was significantly more laid back. We played some games in the evening at M&J's house and I ate a lot of Bugles. Those things are delicious! We also slept here for the rest of the trip to give Grammie a bit of a break.

Wed 30th ~ Second (uh, fourth??) Christmas! It kicked off at G&C's with a big breakfast and then more present opening happened. The kids got a wii, so they were excited about that. Tait also go window markers. BEST THINGS EVER. I spent some time with him drawing all over the windows. Fun stuff.
In the afternoon, we made a hectic trip to Bean's to return some stuff and get some other stuff for my mom.
That night, it was back to M&J's where we introduced them to DDR2. Everyone tried it out, which was pretty funny.

Thur 31st ~ We got up early to drive home this day. Oh yeah, it was New Year Eve. It was icky snowy on the Mass tnpk, so we ended up finally getting into our house at 6:30. Though we got invited to do a few things, we ended up staying in, which was a fabulous idea. We watched Dick Clark as he depressingly screwed up the countdown (who thought it was a good idea for him to start at 20?!) and then hit the sheets.

Fri 1st ~ This was Mike & Mary's wedding rehearsal! I snapped pics like a paparazzi. Dinner was at McCormick & Schmick's downtown. We stayed overnight in the city, which was an excellent plan because we had to be up and ready to go around 9:30. Jon was in the wedding, so he was occupied all day, and I followed them around taking pictures and angering grandparents. Good stuff.

Sat 2nd ~ The wedding and reception were fantastic. The pictures - FRIGID. Nothing like taking pictures in 7 degree windy weather at Love park in the city. mhmm. The band at the reception was amazing and the food, great.
I think the best part about the wedding is that Mike and Mary are two people we really support getting married. We have no doubt that they are meant to be and are great together, and it is wonderful to celebrate the union of two people you believe in as a couple. It was fun to see them finally get married and I know both of their families are thrilled.

Sun 3rd ~ We came home from Philly at Jon dropped me off at LM for Project Philly auditions. (www.projectphilly.org) Things went well and from there, we went to our friend's graduation party. She just made it home from U Miami a semester early. She will be going to UPenn for grad school in the fall. Smarty pants! :) We then drove home to eat dinner with my parents since we had not seen them since Christmas, essentially.

Monday 4th ~ back to school...

This past Monday, I got a phone call from Sus that her husband David's mom passed away that morning. They had spent a good deal of time with her over the holidays and her prognosis (brain cancer, dx in the summer) was looking a bit better. On Monday morning, she had a seizure and died. Sus and David and their 5 month old, Van, live in Brooklyn and they asked if they could come down and stay with us that night.

As much as we hate why they are down here, we love that they are here and able to stay with us. They have been with us all week and our house has served as a base for them to go out with family and prepare for the funeral, which is tomorrow. Most of the week we have been trying to support them as best we can, even though that usually just means food and a comfortable place to sleep and entertaining Van.

Today is David's birthday, so if you could keep him and his family in your prayers, it would be much appreciated.

Style ~ Dec 26th, 2009

2010-01-04T10:15:00.001-05:00

They say that everyone has their own sense of style... even if the style is sweats and grubby sneakers. Most people do make a semi-conscious decision about what they put on their bodies every morning, and few actually aim to look bad. We call those people goth, and they obviously have personal style, even if a silly one.

Okay, okay, I am teasing. Goth really is not so terrible... black usually is becoming, and layering is nice. Maybe in my next life I will be goth.

Anyway, in THIS life, I am really not sure what my personal style is. I have been glancing at the satorialist and, sadly, know that I would never make it there. Even if I do not know what my style is, apparently others do.

Recently, a co-worker sent out an email offering up a "vintage-style brown leather coat". I am not anti-hand-me-downs and I have been wanting to get rid of my tan pea-coat, which has always been a shade too small, especially during the holidays when I am filled up with cookies AND wearing sweaters. Anyway, I went to check out the coat. It is a full-length brown shearling jacket. The inside is fully lined with sheep (baaaaa) and the collar is... I dont know what it is... but furry. When I saw it, I thought, "that is so not me... but I like it!" And with that, I accepted the jacket.

Two days later, I wore the jacket into school. Two of my co-worker friends dropped their jaws. The first one said, "Ew, that better not be real!" (ahh, the perils of working in the science dept!) The second one said, "That is SO not you, so not your style!" I shrugged and told them it was warm and I liked it... the first co-worker later said she was a bit jealous of it (I think she felt better knowing it was like a 70's era jacket and I did not kill the sheep myself) and the second seems to have gotten used to it. At least, she stopped giving me quizzical looks about it.

This whole miniscule event got me thinking about my style. Why would they be so shocked to see me in this full-length leather coat with fur (maybe real, maybe not?) collar?

I do have a few rules, but most apply to color. I will list them in order of terribleness: worst to most tolerable.

1. brown + black = no no! Tan and black is okay... brown and black with other colors added in with lots of pattern... also okay. Chocolate brown pants and a black shirt? NO. Brown pants and black shoes? Negative. Brown skirt and black top? Are you trying to kill me?

2. Navy blue + black = ick. There is a point on the blue scale of colors at which it becomes wrong to wear with black. The only thing that is sufferable would be navy blue pants and black shoes. I can deal, but would rather the shoes be brown. Black pants and navy top make me cringe, as does the reverse.

3. blue shirts + blue jeans = wrong. I love blue, I really do. But if you are wearing a blue shirt too close to the color of your blue jeans, you basically look like one big cookie monster in my eyes and my brain registers 80's! in a big neon sign. I can tolerate it okay but its really not preferable.

4. orange/yellow + black = halloween/bumblebee. If you are wearing black pants or a black skirt... choose another color for your top, for my own sake. If you do not, that is okay... no lie, the colors go nicely together.... but I will be thinking that you look like halloween or a bumble bee. As long as you do not mind that, go ahead.

And, its funny, but somehow this ties into my texture issues with food. (ex: mashed potatoes are gross, french fries and chips are great! Semi-soft caramel in chocolates are bad, but really soft is yummy. Hard butterscotch candies are delicious but do not put hot butterscotch on my ice cream.) The feeling I get when I eat something of a wrong texture is the same as I get from seeing those colors together... on myself ANd on other people.

I have another rule which I am not sure the terms of, and it relates to how colors are displayed on the body. For example... I would have no problem wearing a plain dark green shirt with khakis (although that does make me feel like a tree). Yet, I would not wear the same dark green shirt with a pair of medium-washed blue jeans. Unless maybe I had a lighter color over top of it. So, I am not quite sure how that works. I also would not wear the dark green shirt with chocolate brown pants (too much like a tree), yet I might wear it with grey. This is one that does not bother me about other people, it only applies to me, and I do not have it all quite figured out yet.

As far as WHAT I will wear... I guess I am more preppy than anything else, but I think of myself as pretty boring. Plain pants. Solid color t shirts or sweaters. My only pseudo-style pieces are my fingerless gloves and my scarves. And I have to tell you, I started with the fingerless gloves nearly 2 years ago. If you spend 8 hours a day in a cold cubicle in front of a computer, you want them. And you know where I got the idea from? My uncle Jimmy - the one in the wheelchair - who has been rocking the fingerless glove thing since before I was born. I had to laugh as I recently was looking through etsy.com... So many people were selling fingerless gloves "like the one Alice wears in Twilight!" Yeah, uh huh, you can thank me for that trend. ;) Actually, you can thank Uncle Jim. Apparently I am somewhat known at work as the girl with the fingerless gloves. Nameless, which is my preference around there anyway. :/

As far as scarves go... I got my first one at 18. I stole it from Jon and wore it constantly. In the past few years, I have become more of a scarf junkie, getting at least 6 of them in 2009. And yes, I wear one almost every day... and do not really hesitate to wear them in the summer either. Warm neck and warm wrists mean a warm me.

So other than scarves and gloves, I do not have much going on. Cept the coat now, I guess. My hair is either down or up. I rarely wear earrings. I change my necklaces a bit, but they are all thin, delicate, and understated. I rarely change my rings because I have my wedding rings and my great great grandmothers ring.

And then there is the issue of belts. I really ought to wear belts more often since low-rise pants are continually showing off my butt crack... but for some reason, I do not. My favorite belt is black with silver studs... but, again, thought of as incongruous with this non-definitive "style" that I have.

Ultimately, it would be kind of fun to have a personal style... to be fashion forward. Its nothing vane... I do not seek a style so that i look and am "fabulous". Fashion is just sort of fun, and if I am spending x amt of dollars on clothing anyway, why not seek little pieces of fashion that are functional as well? I have mostly subsisted on functional clothing... but I think it is time to find some clothes that are fun to wear as well.

This whole post probably seems really narcissistic. It isn't. I am not sure how to convince you of that, so you will just have to trust me if you are questioning it at all.

I think perhaps my mind is just changing on the whole subject of fashion. Sure, a lot of it is really empty, really vacuous. (uh, the fashion industry, not my brain!) But I think maybe I am starting to see the artistic side of dressing up a body. I think bodies are really beautiful to start off with... every shape, every size, every color... and then to dress those shapes up is kinda fun.

So perhaps that will be one of my resolutions for 2010: have a little more fun with what I am wearing and try to figure out what my style is.

Other resolutions:

- no chocolate. And I don't mean the color, I mean the food. Even dematologists say that chocolate does not cause pimples, but they have never used me in their studies.

- start working out... my friends and I are signed up for aikido, so we will see how that goes

- get more serious about photography - I love taking pictures, and I have a little project in mind. It requires a lot more dedication (and blogging) than I am sure I am ready for, but I am going to try.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T16:14:00.003-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Its a good time to sit back and remember all of the things I am thankful for. There is a lot, so I will try to condense it a bit.

1. Family ~ I have TWO huge families to be thankful for. Parents and in laws that love me very much. Quite literally the best brother in the world. In law siblings who never make me feel like an "out law".

2. Friends ~ I am way blessed in the friendship department. I am lucky enough to have girlfriends who are always close, even if some live far away. I have high school friends and singing friends and work friends... its just great to know so many people that I can count on.

3. Jon ~ He falls into friends and family, but he is pretty special to me, so I tihnk he deserves his own category. He is pretty stinkin amazing and I am not sure where I would be without him.

4. Shelter ~ Its great to have a house! Of course, now I freak out about putting holes in the wall... but so far, our house has been great and rather energy-efficient. Happiness!

5. Work ~ Okay, so I spend a lot of time complaining about my two jobs... but really, I am so lucky in this economy to have two. And even though I had to work at the hospital on Thanksgiving this year... and Sat... and Sun... at least I have a place to go that pays me money to do something I like.

6. Lily ~ It might be silly to give my cat her own category... but I really strongly believe in pet therapy! She is doing phenomenally at our house and seems very content. Jon is a great cat daddy and she purrs more than I have heard in years. Looks like we will not have to take her back to my parent's place and I am super thankful for that.

7. Education ~ Its nice to keep learning. I am prone to falling into ruts where I feel stagnant and unmoving. Yet, I have not felt that in some years now. Its really really wonderful. Between new friends and becoming a wife and getting a house, I have had a lot of chances to grow and change and take in new experiences. I like that a lot. :)

8. Health ~ Okay, so my health is not stellar, and I need to do a post-Lupron update soon. But, on the whole, I am happy and reasonably healthy and very little holds me back right now. Since college, I have always had to worry about my stomach or my period preventing me from working and playing... but that is not the case in the past 8 or so months since I started Lupron. I am definitely having post-Lupron complications (hello hot flashes!) but overall, I feel pretty darn good. Its awesome.

I think that will suffice for now... I could go into details, but that would take forever.

Really, I can think of only one thing that is SUPER bugging me right now...

Hiccups. I have been hiccuping for about 3 hours now. Its frustrating and making me a bit ill to the stomach. If anyone knows a magical cure, let me know. Rawr.

time flies...

2009-11-08T09:58:00.003-05:00

Well, yeah, it has been quite awhile since I have written. However, I have been justifiably busy. Here is a (hopefully) quick summary of what has been up since I last wrote....

1. Jon and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary with a night *in*. We made salmon and rice and broccoli and watched a movie. We were supposed to go out to Gilmore's in West Chester, courtesy of my mom, but with all that was going on (settling the house, packing, painting, flooring), a night in was much more of a delight.

2. Speaking of moving.... In the second half of September, we chose, bought, and put in about 480 sq ft of laminate flooring into the first floor of our townhome. When I say we, I mean Jon, my dad, my brother, Jon's dad, and Kris. It looks fantastic. Note to anyone putting in laminate flooring - get yourself some silicon spray to lube the joints, it goes much faster. Now on this flooring, everyone seemed to think it would take no time at all... but it ended up basically taking the WHOLE WEEK. So while Jon and crew were busily working nearly every night, I was home packing. Another note - don't use a table saw INSIDE your house because you will find sawdust where there is no business being sawdust.
Also, before you put down flooring, you have to rip up carpet. I think you can learn a lot from someone when you rip up their carpet... like how often their aggressive bulldog had "accidents". Gross. I have also never seen so many staples in my life. Jon, Chris, and I spent a fun 2 hours pulling up staples from the floor. So, yes, this was a huge project, but it really really really looks great. I am very proud, and I think it has definitely added value to the house.
We also painted. And painted. And painted more. Fortunately, I have lovely wonderful friends to help... Yassara, Dan, Kris, Krista, Nick, Josh. Jon's parents and my parents were a super huge help as well. We definitely could not have done it without them.

3. Actual moving day was Sept 28th. Thank goodness for friends. I cannot say that enough. Lauren, Dave, Mike, Mary, Josh, Nick, Steve, Jenn, Aaron, Yassara, Dan, KC, Emily, my brother most especially.... gosh, we are just super super blessed people to have friends like you! And we owe you all, big time. We filled up a HUGE uhaul with a lift. I got to drive it. I can say with confidence that I never ever want to be a truck driver. Scary! But we did it, and it was great.

4. Since then, Jon and I have been moving in... except for the fact that he has been traveling nonstop. The Monday after we moved in, he went to Germany for a full week, up through Sunday. He has been to Vermont once, Arkansas twice, and I think one or two other places since then. That part has really sucked. While he was in Germany, me and his parents painted our new baseboards... which brings me to something else...

5. organization. We could not put stuff in their proper places until the furniture was in the right place. We could not put furniture in the right place until the baseboards were painted. AND until we actually bought furniture that we needed. IKEA made a fortune off of us as we bought a buffet table, a desk, two bookshelves, a side table for the kitchen, and a bunch of other odds and ends. Oh, and we had to then BUILD it. The buffet table took 3 hours. 3 hours!!! Sigh. Despite all of the work, things really are pulling together so this weekend we....

6. Moved Lily in! So far, so good. I am not sure it has really hit her yet that there is an "outside" to this place as well, but I think she will soon figure it out. I am just enjoying it day by day. She actually seems really happy so far, though she is relying on Jon and I a lot to comfort her. But she is totally lovey and purring and doing all the wonderful "Lily" things that she has not done in the year she has lived at home with Harvey and without me. Yay! This might put a slight kink in the works for Jon's future dog... but we were not going to address that for another year or so anyway, so we will see what happens.

7. In other good news, Leslie and Ben got married!!! The day was cold, to say the least, but the rain went away and it was sunny and gorgeous and the leaves were at the perfect level of change. Leslie looked gorgeous! I got to be the "matron" of honor, which is totally strange and makes me feel super old, but it was a lot of fun. We had a day at the spa and a night out at the bars. It just went really well and we had a blast catching up with high school friends. :) Good stuff. We are very happy for them both.

8. Probably the biggest thing that happened over the past two months is that my grandfather, Bud, passed away. His date was Spet 17th, 2009. Here is the obit.

Bud was a pretty cool guy. He served during WWII in the Navy and, as I found out at the funeral, was actually at D-Day. His job was to jump out of the boat on to the sand and open the doors for the troops storming the beach. He did this 6 times that day before an army officer commandeered him to be their radio operator. After that, he traveled across France and Germany with their unit. Note that he signed up to join the Navy shortly after my Aunt Pat was born, leaving his new wife and baby for nearly 2 years.
He loved dancing. He met my grandmother, Nan, at a wedding and from then on, they went to see every "big band" that came into the area. As the big band era died down, they turned to square dancing and joined the "Why Knots" group. They traveled quite extensively during this time.
My grandfather also started the Suburban Contractors Association. During this time, he also started Keller and Wolf Paving with his brother-in-law.

All that AND he had 8 kids.

In his later years, Bud loved to golf and play cards. He taught nearly all of us grandkids how to cheat and hide a few cards under your seat. :)

He is missed, though I absolutely believe that he is in Heaven and that this is but a short parting.

My mom is doing okay with it. There was a funeral in Florida as well as one up here two weekends ago. I was slated to sing Amazing Grace and I made it through the first verse. I then looked up to see my mom bawling. I could not make it through the rest. Although I am not incredibly sad about Bud's death (because, as I said, I know he is happy), it kills me to see my mom so sad. I just cannot deal with that. So I started crying, but I mostly reined it in at the end. Then, my cousin Pam and I were to do the intercessory prayers, and she started choking up, which got me too. I really hate seeing people sad... but the funeral was good overall.

Unfortunately, Nan is not doing so hot. She has been kinda sick and depressed. She has checked out, basically, and signs suggest that she will be gone soon too. Most likely, that will affect me more since I am closer to Nan and we have always had a link. My mom is down there this weekend visiting. I hope she makes it through Christmas just for my mom's sake. She is really not ready to lose both of her parents.

So that is what is up with me. I think I covered most of the majorly important events.

Time to work on the house again - we have rehearsal here tonight, so I want to make sure it is presentable!

new house

2009-09-11T19:12:00.002-04:00

Okay, so life has been a little busy recently.

I know I did not finish summing up my alaska trip, so suffice it to say it was awesome and relaxing and I slept like the dead and it was absolutely wonderful.

But coming back to reality was been very rough.

The week after vacation was hard. We ended up driving home Friday night after we flew back. Got in at 3 am,but we were AWAKE! Sat was our hs reunion. Sunday I worked. I basically had Monday and Tuesday, but I ran around like a mad woman. Wednesday night we had auditions for Project Philly. Thursday, school started. We had inservices all day Thursday and Friday.... which any teacher knows are mind-numbingly exhausting. Why I need to listen to a local politician (who is on our board) discuss what he has done in office is beyond me.

Also, the allergy I have to this stupid apartment has come back in FULL. I have NO IDEA what it is that I am allergic to. The doc says some kind of wood. I think it might be the carpet. But I had it when I moved in (which was about this time of year) and I have it now. So I dont know if something flowers right now or if it came from the apt being shut up for a week and half. But DEAR LORD its come back with a vengence. :( Itchy eyes, itchy mouth, itchy tongue. I hate it.

The week after that (the week before labor day) had a few inservices, but was mostly time for us to work. It was busy. I have 4 classes this year and a total (so far) of about 200, maybe a bit less. I am creating new lessons for a Conceptual Biology class for students who have already failed Biology once. I am trying to amp up my Honors course. They have also upgraded our program this year so that its a bit different from last. The result is a bevy of technical issues that make it hard to do my job. Everything runs slowly, which is a problem.

Labor day weekend was... working. And shopping for flooring. Sigh. Labor Day Weekend we got to sleep in a bit, and we tried looking for flooring again, but apparently all floor shops observe Labor Day.

This week saw the return of the students. Moodle was incredibly lethargic, so it was tough to get any real work done. Every year, the kids seem younger to me. I held a chat and was amazed at the hormone-inspired hyperactivity. Sheer madness. The kids seem cool though and a lot of them are coming in with a really positive attitude, which helps. I love teaching, but I am feeling burnt out. I am pretty sure it is just the school environment. I am tired of my cube. I am tired of the isolation. When you teach kids in a classroom, you can sort of suck energy off of them when you are feeling tired. Not so online!

On Thursday, we settled on our house. It was flawless for the most part. It cost less than we thought it would, and we have more money than I thought we would when it was all over. THAT makes me feel very very comfortable. SoI am really pleased with that.

So with the convergence of all of these events... jet lag, allergies, school starting, buying a house, getting stuff done associated with moving.... my stomach is an absolute mess.

Tonight, in fact, I am supposed to be with Jon and our friends and family starting to paint. But no, I am here at home, feeling awful. I basically have not eaten much in the past three days, but everything is going straight through me. It sucks. I HATE knowing that people are helping us on our house and I am not there. Its a terrible feeling. :(

But I am doing my best to try not to stress. As usual, my brain does not feel stress, but my body does. I would much rather my brain be miserable than my stupid body. :(

Anyway, tomorrow we will hopefuly finish up the painting and at least that will be done. After that is just moving and organizing, which I am much more okay with. Oh, and the floors. But I think Jon picked out one that will work, we just have to see what the price ends up as. I keep telling myself it will get done, it will get done, it will get done. All in good time.

Deep breaths.

Alaska

2009-08-24T14:12:00.002-04:00

Well, we made it to Alaska and back.

Apparently the weather last week was around 80 and sunny. During our trip, however, it was cold (like 55), rainy, foggy, and occassionally "sleety". Despite the less than perfect weather, it ended up being a really great trip. I will give you a brief summary of our days...

Wednesday: Jon and I drove to Baltimore for our flight at 8. It was a 5 hour flight with no problems, and though in our time we got there around midnight or so, on their time it was only 9:30. We probably got to the actual hotel around 11 and went to bed!

Thursday: Jon and I walked over to the Space Needle and took a look, then went into the Science Fiction Museum where they actually had a Jim Henson exhibit that ended two days afterwards! Lucky us! It was really awesome. We met up with Jon's parents and walked to Pike Place Market (in the rain) where we got dinner and gaped at the sights in the market itself. My parents arrived around 11 pm to the hotel room, but I was pretty much already asleep.

Friday: We took the fam to the Space Needle and all went up in it, then dropped our bags off at the ship. We then walked the Market a bit more and picked up some souvenirs. We got on the ship around 2:30. Jon and I quickly walked the whole ship, then at night we met up with everyone for dinner at 8:30.

Sat: At Sea. I spent a good two hours laying in the sun under two wool blankets soaking up the warmth. It was beautiful but around 63 and windy... still, very enjoyable. It was our formal night so we got all dressed up and went to specialty dining. It was delicious. I will post a pic of dessert at the end. MMmmmm.

Sunday: Ketchikan, AK and now 4 hours behind Philly. I sleep wonderfully on the ship, so it was great from that perspective. We zip lined through part of Tongass National Forest - a temperate rainforest. Beautiful. We did not see any bears or moose or anything unfortunately. Zip lining was a BLAST.

....

I think I will have to finish this later... there is a lot of packing and cleaning to do!

three weeks

2009-08-08T09:32:00.002-04:00

And now, quite literally, there are 3 weeks left to summer. Why does time pass so quickly when you get older? When I was young, summer felt endless. And trust me, I loved going back to school. I anxiously awaited it. It always felt so far away. And now.... ugh. Back to work.

This summer has been the quickest in memory. I am not sure what exactly I did every day, but all of a sudden it was time for rehearsal again or time for working at the hospital again.

Our concert for project philly was last night. It went swimmingly. :) I am pretty sure it was the largest audience we have had in our 4 years. We also had a lot more going on than we have in years past. A guy from the Walnut Street Theatre came out and spoke to the audience about the scholarship fund we raise money for. Our lighting was cool. We webcasted it on our website. We sold ringer t shirts to the crowd. It was just neat to see how our organization is becoming... organized. Since I am on the board as membership manager (I screen interest calls, interview potentials, and send/track invites), its neat to feel like our dreadful once-a-month 3 hour board meetings are actually doing something. I am excited to hear how much money we raised. It is very cool that something which started out of our love for singing has turned into a sustainable group which will live on after we retire and is raising money for an awesome cause. Its great to be a part of that and a founding member, even if it makes me feel old. :)

The concert itself was great. I felt really good about Pink's sets. I had a solo... a song called Gravity by Sara Berellis (like I can spell her name!) and I felt so good and relaxed about it. That is the best - when you are confident that you can carry something off. I mean, I was nervously excited, but I was not worried about forgetting the lyrics or whether I could hit the high note. I was mostly concerned with making sure that I was showing emotion in my face and drawing the audience in to the lyrics. The song itself is about a girl who keeps going back to this guy that she knows is bad for her, but she thinks she is in love and in need, and she just cannot break away even though she knows he hurts her and is wrong for her. Yeah... you could say I empathized with the feeling. I was really lucky to get the solo because the girls in Pink are really talented. It was neat too because we had a lot of friends and family come out who have not heard me really sing before... let along something I felt comfortable singing. :) It felt really good. I was glad to be able to do it.

Music is a very wonderful gift. I can honestly say that my life has been shaped by it, and without it, absolutely everything would be different. I would be a completely different person.

In other news, I have been watching the interest rates fluxuate daily in the hope that it miraculously goes down again. Last week it was 5.375, but this week it jumped up to 5.625. Sigh. Its a gambling game, and if everyone could say a short prayer that it goes back down, I would appreciate it. ;)

We leave for Alaska on Wednesday. Technically, to Seattle, and our cruise leaves Friday. We are very excited and very happy to bring our parents along with us for the journey. For both sets, this is their first vacation in a very long time, and we think they will enjoy it. We were glad we could convince them to go. :) I am looking forward to the brisk weather and the ecology. I know that sounds totally nerdy... but I like seeing different biomes. Shrug.

Speaking of weather... its been beautiful the past two days and my brother says that this summer is in the top 5 for coolest PA summers ever. I do not mind. Yesterday I felt the spark of autumn, and that got me energized because I LOVE the fall. I mean, yes, going back to school is not fantastic, though it will be great to be with my work buddies again... but I just LOVE fall weather. I love the crispness and how blue the sky is and how the leaves turn and pumpkins and sweaters and mums and hay bales and apple pies and oooooh I just love it. :)

So anyway, thats kinda what has been going on. Now that Project is over, it feels like summer is kind of here... for three days at least, until we leave for vacation. :) Last week did not help the feeling that summer was missing - I worked every day. Boo.

And for today...... working at the hospital. Sigh. I guess summer will have to wait until Monday.

School Spirit - Rah!

2009-07-21T14:30:00.002-04:00

I have to confess - I do not understand school spirit. Like, not at all.

Have attended Penn State as an undergrad, I am supposed to "bleed blue and white" and reminisce about how happy I was at Happy Valley. After getting my masters at West Chester, I guess there is something I am supposed to feel every time I see a ram. Or the horrible combination of purple and yellow.

I don't know... I just do not feel that way. Never have. Probably never will.

And to be honest, I actually feel a little bit guilty about it, like I *should* feel something when I think about places I have respectively spent 4 years at.

Do not get me wrong - I am exceedingly grateful for the education I got at PSU. I thought it was great and that it really prepared me for becoming a med tech. Although, if you want to get technical, the most learning I did was not at PSU, but rather at Pennsylvania Hospital. THAT was a year of learning in more ways than one.
But when I look back at my time spent on campus, there are really only a few memories that come to mind: rehearsals/gigs with Penns, hanging out with Josh, hanging out with Kathy, and studying in the HUB. With the exception of marathon study sessions, those memories are fantastic. I also have memories of attempting to fit in with Campus Crusade and realizing that how they were run was inherently against what I believe to be the true nature of faith. (I am sure CCC works well for some people, it just did not for me) There are other memories - meals shared, walking to class in the fall, ballroom dance class! But nothing in these memories make me want to paint my face blue and white and respond heartily to the call, "WE ARE!"
So that leaves me to wonder - did I squander my time there because I do not have golden-tinged memories of it? Is something wrong with me because I do not feel this way?

This writing has been prompted by me reading the WCU alumni magazine that came in the mail the other day. It tells of improvements to campus, new programs... alumni news and advertisements for homecoming. Homecoming! Like I would EVER have ANY desire to attend homecoming of WCU or PSU. Coming home was when I left college, not when I went to it.

So I wonder if that is the key right there - I never felt at home at either WCU or PSU. Maybe I just suck at making friends, which is such an important part of "belonging" at college. There is a very small select group of people I keep in touch with on a regular basis. Of those, Josh is top dog, since I get to see him all the time. And it was neat going to the Pennharmonics 15th anniversary reunion a few weeks ago. They are people I consider friends even if I rarely ever speak to them.
Overall though, I just had little desire to make a lot of friends when I went to college. I will never have a reunion of college roomies or anything like that. I never had that first apartment with friends. Would it have been different if I had been on campus that last year? Who knows. But I can say that the 5 girls I went to med tech school with have more or less fallen off the face of the earth. The saddest part was when I went back to PSU to officially graduate - I knew no one in my major with the exception of someone I went to high school with. My buddies from class were all microbiology and bmb majors, so I did not even get to sit with them. Kind of pathetic.

It does not bug me too much, because I am blessed with a lot of friends and acquaintances and people... all over the place. Just not so much from PSU. So when people get all hyped up about college, I do not understand. It was not the best time of my life. A good time, yes, but certainly not my glory days. In fact, I like life a lot better these days... and perhaps that is another clue to this puzzle: Jon is here now. Yet all through college, part of me was an hour away. That makes it hard to fully live in the moment where you are.

Now WCU bewilders me. I honestly am shocked at the fact that I spent 4 years there getting my teaching cert and my masters and did not make friends. Granted - I did not try really. I know the 4 buildings that I had my classes in, and that was it. I know where the Bull center is and where Sykes is. Oh, and the place where you pay parking tickets... I visited there a few times.
There were people in my classes that I saw often, and I would regard them as professional acquaintances. One girl in particular just got a job at my school, which is neat. Graduation was strange too - hanging out with a bunch of people you sort of know from class, but know nothing else about them.
WCU was even less of a home than PSU. That probably has a lot to do with commuter and "adult" status. When you are not exactly going full time, it changes things. When you are not living the campus life... and instead living your own life outside of school... you do not really get invested.
In comparison to WCU, I adore PSU. Honestly, WCU was a means to an end. So was PSU... but WCU was a way to get the cert I needed and to up a pay grade.

I don't know, I feel a bit rotten about it all. If I could go back, maybe I would try harder to make friends and hang out with them. Then maybe I could say that I loved PSU or WCU. Well... probably never WCU, I pretty much disliked the whole place... but PSU, maybe.

But, as you know, you cannot go back, you can only go forward. So I have to think: what am I supposed to learn from this? And I think it is that I cannot always just hope that people will initiate with me to be my friend. I cannot assume that if people are hanging out that they will think to invite me. I also cannot assume that people know that I do consider them actual friends instead of just people I am thrown together in a situation with or people that are convenient to see sometimes. I have to actually be like hey, lets do stuff or hey, invite me next time you....

Summer is almost over. 6 weeks left, about. It is flying by so quickly and I have not done enough hanging out. So here we go...

House

2009-07-08T11:28:00.008-04:00

Well, it looks like we are buying a house.

We found a townhome in Morgantown, right off the turnpike, that seems to suit our needs. Its a 3 bed, 2.5 bath, finished walk out basement, ginormous finished loft that has WAY more room than we actually need. Its going to be rather amusing to move our ONE couch and TWO armchairs and then realize that we still have a bazillion square feet to fill. However, I think we will try to be as minimalistic as possible.

Anyway, we like the house and it seems like a really good place to start. Its cheap, first of all, which is the most fabulous thing. Quite honestly, its only a couple hundred more than we are paying for our rent right now, so we feel its very managable. We have asked about their utility bills, and they seem to be reasonable as well. Our home inspection was last week and that went swimmingly. We asked them to fix a bit of electrical work, some flash collars on the roof (no, I dont know what that means! ha!), and fix a window that was not locking and was letting water in because of it.

We hope Lily likes it.

There are really only two major improvements that need to happen:
1) the deck... its 7 years old and warping like the dickens. It has obviously not been taken care of or stained consistently or anything like that. We forsee us rebuilding the deck within the next year or two if we have the dinero. I also want to put in a spiral staircase if the HOA lets us.
2) the carpet... you basically walk in on the first floor which has a powder room to the left, living room to the right, then closer to the back of the house, the dining room on the left with kitchen on the right. Both the kitchen and the entryway are nice hard wood floors. But the rest.... and up the stairs... is forest green carpet. Now, I love me some forest green carpet. In fact, I chose it for my bedroom at home. But the ENTIRE living room and ENTIRE dining room? EEP! Its just a lot of green. So we are going to rip it out and put down floors. We may even attempt to install it ourselves, depending on what type we go for. Should be a learning experience (gulp) but I think we can swing it. Jon is so anal retentive that I am not worried about the measuring and cutting. And I am good at seeing how things fit together.

Other than that, the house is in phenomenal shape. The carpets are a little funky upstairs with some pulls and whatnot. But the walls are all white. The upstairs and basement carpets are neutral. I guess I will include some pictures here at the end for you, if you are interested.

Overall, I am getting kinda excited about decorating. I already know what I want to do with our master bedroom (light blue accent wall) and the basement (floor to ceiling bookshelves from ikea droooooool) and the smallest bedroom (Jon's giant white desk from when he was in jr high will go there for our office).

I think the nicest thing about it all is that we are going to be able to put down 10% of the house and still have money left over to do these things. Its a good feeling and a pleasure to know that Jon and I have actually done a good job of managing our dinero over the past few years. 'Course it helps when your parents let you live at home forever.

We settle Sept 10th and we have until Sept 30th on our lease here at the apartments, so we will have almost 3 weeks to move in and get the painting and floors done. THAT I feel really good about. School will be starting up and getting into gear, which makes me nervous... but hopefully I can buckle down and put in some time there to get things ready before school begins so that I will have a few weeks of lessons prepared for all of my classes. That is the plan anyway. We will see what actually happens.

So... yay.

Hopefully we can slow down on the major life changes, though I am not sure if that will happen either.... Remember, Sept 14th of last year we got married. Sept 10th of this year we will own a townhome. Sept next year... let's just say we do not have any plans yet. :P

kitchen

living room (dining room to the l, kitchen straight ahead)

giant 3rd floor loft room (aka Project Rehearsal Room)

finished basement (hard to see bc they got a lot of STUFF down there!)
living room (note green carpet and weird pseudo bird cage rack thing)

It has been awhile

2009-06-19T10:11:00.003-04:00

I feel like I have slacked off a bit on my blogging, so here is a bit of a catch up...

1) School is out. Thank goodness. At the end of the year, we get evaluations from our department coordinators and mine was kind enough to tell me, basically, that I have looked like hell since December and that I really needed summer break. Okay, he did not use those words, but that is what his inflection said. And he is right. But is it my fault, necessarily? I started out the school year getting married and going on my honeymoon and teaching three courses and finishing up my Masters. It sort of set the tone for the whole year as "always one step behind where you want to be". Plus, the politics at school this year were absolutely ridiculous. For my own mental sanity, I needed to get away.

2) Stupid me signed up for EYP this summer. Basically, I have 35 students who failed the school year who are working (or, in most cases, not) to catch up and pass the courses they should have passed during the year. I guess it is good, because it is extra money, but it does not give me as much of a mental break from school as perhaps I needed.

3) I am back working at the hospital every other weekend, Sat and Sun. Again, money is good... but I guess if I had a choice, it would have been nice to not do it this summer. The hospital budget is not doing so hot, so I cannot fill in as many (or any) hours like I have in previous summers, so I am glad that I have the EYP program to get me a bit extra.

4) Jon and I are going on a cruise to Alaska in August. I cannot wait. We debated over it for awhile because we are house hunting and looking to bid this summer... but honestly, we have other plans in the works for the next few years and I do not really forsee us having the opportunity to travel much. My parents are coming on the cruise as well, and we think Jon's parents will join us too. We have already picked our excursions - in Ketchikan we are zip lining in a temperate rainforest, in Victoria we are going to visit Butchart Gardens, and in Juneau we are going DOGSLEDDING and taking a HELICOPTER RIDE! Hello, cool!

5) House hunting. Going okay. I suspect the market is picking up a bit, I am seeing less online. We are probably bidding on a townhome that we like, though today we are going to go see another that I suspect we will also like and will be a good investment property for us. :) I guess we are getting closer and closer to making that a reality. We are in a pretty good position to buy now, so hopefully we will find the right place!

6) I have been reading a LOT. Nothing all that earth-shattering. My friend gave me the Mortal Instruments trilogy by Cassandra Clare. It was REALLY good - especially if you liked House of Night or the Twilight series. It is along the same vein. I recently ordered the Sookie Stackhouse series (what True Blood is based on) and started reading that. It is pretty darn good. :)

7) This summer is pretty empty wedding-wise. We have Jon's cousin Jeremy on July 11th in NY. In Oct we have Les and Ben. Then, on New Years, we have Mike and Mary. Quite a difference from the 14 weddings last summer. It is kinda nice to have just a few special weddings to go to.... but it is definitely not as busy!

8) Project is up and in full swing. I am the membership manager, so I was working hard on that over the past few months since it was my job to send out invites and track people down. www.projectphilly.com is our newly launched website. Our concert is Friday, August 7th, and I hope you come!

9) Lupron...

Lupron has been the singular biggest change in my life in the past few months. I got the shot early May and it has been an interesting journey since.

Lupron is a three month shot that basically throws your body into false menopause. It shuts down your estrogen production to a very low level, taking away menstruation, though you can still ovulate. (In other words, this is not birth control, you can still get pregnant!) In the first two weeks after the shot, your estrogen actually skyrockets before it shuts down to a low level. As I said, its been interesting.

During the first week of the shot, I was in pain. It felt like I had run a marathon - all of the muscles in my legs and butt ached from the shot. It is sort of like how a tetanus shot will make your arm sore. Except worse. During that time, I was also fighting off a pretty wicked cold which had me grounded for a full week. It was a scary time because I had no idea if my symptoms (aches, pains, nausea, general unhappiness) were a result of the shot or just getting over the stupid cold.

Well, I am not sure I will ever find out. It took another week or so after that to really start feeling better. So into week 2 of the shot, I knew my estrogen was riding high (Jon did not mind that so much, if you catch my meaning) and I started to feel better. My birthday came and went. We went to NY for the weekend with Sus and Dave and unborn baby Van. Very fun times. That threw my body off quite a bit because we were eating dinner at like 9:30 at night. So it was a few days for me to recover from that, and then my estrogen started going down.

So this brings us to the end of May/beginning of June. Again, I was scared. The most common side effects of Lupron are hot flashes, night sweats, migraines, and some acne. I was freaked because I am prone to migraines after my period ends (when my estrogen is lowest). I really had no idea what was going to happen, but I knew I would have to live with it for three months.

I am happy to say that migraines are NOT one of the symptoms I got. So so so happy about that. I do have the hot flashes, which is a bizarre experience. I am taking progesterone add-back therapy (oh yeah, Lupron causes bone loss as well) and that has kept the hot flashes pretty low. Its more like I get really warm very easily. For those of you who know me, I am cold nearly all the time. But with Lupron, all of a sudden, I will see the veins popping out on my hands and wrists, and just get super warm. I do not sweat, but its just this internal heat. Kind of like when you wake up in the middle of the night all snuggled under your covers and you realize that you are REALLY really warm.

Sadly, my skin is definitely worse. That is frustrating, but its all hormonally linked, so try as I may, there is not much I can do about that.

I am also sleeping pretty awfully. Fortunately it is summer, so I have the luxury of attempting to sleep in... but at 10 pm I am not tired, even if I have been tired all day, and it takes me awhile to fall asleep. After that, I wake up many times, mostly being too warm. So I assume this is what is meant by "night sweats". I have always been an oven while sleeping (I think my circulation is best lying down, which is why I am actually warm) and now im like... an autoclave. So that sucks. Sleep is elusive, but between 10pm and 8am I am getting enough to be functional.

The other interesting side effect has to do with my excretory/digestive system. I pee a LOT. Like a whole lot. No matter how much I do or do not drink. It is silly. I have no idea why this is happening because I have not changed my diet all that much. I guess it is good for me because before I did not pee very much, but it is definitely strange.

One of my other fears with Lupron is that it would kick up my IBS. Hormonal therapies usually make me REALLY stressed out and crazy... which then causes my IBS to flare up... which leads to a lot of bowel issues. THAT has not happened, which is totally awesome... and instead the opposite has happened. They have actually slowed down. This is bizarre to me because the one thing I could always count on is "going" every day. But now I dont. And I am sorry if that is too much information, but when I was looking for information on Lupron and how people were taking it, no one told me this stuff.

So, overall, I have been really pleased with the Lupron. The side effects have been very managable and I did not turn into the psychotic monster I was worried about becoming. The skin, the hot flashes, and even the sucky sleep has all been worth it because I LOVE NOT HAVING MY PERIOD! Dear Lord. You have no idea. It is such a relief to not have to plan my life around the fact that I am ridiculously ill a few days every month. I love that I am not scared to travel or to go away. My body and it's issues have been more of a psychological hinderance than most people realize.

Last year, I had my period at all the worst possible times. I had it over my bachelorette/shower weekend. I had it during my wedding. I had it during our honeymoon. I had it during a friend's shower. Every time I had something important, I could not 100% enjoy it or I canceled because I was in pain and felt like throwing up. I always hated planning events or trips because I never knew if I would be sick. I always hesitated before making any kind of commitment. I hated being involved in something where I did not have an escape route. That includes dinner with friends (what if my ibs flares up?), going to see a movie (what if I feel sick in the middle of it?), and even just hanging out. The last time my ibs flared up, I was supposed to go to a game night with friends. I ended up canceling, and I know that they thought I was just flaking out - that I am bad with keeping commitments. But people do not understand. Its like having this disability that I cannot control, no matter how positively I think, no matter what meds I try, no matter how I try to deal with it.

But now, I am free.

It is such an amazing feeling.

This weekend, I am going up to PSU for the Pennharmonics 15th anniversary. Jon and Josh were both surprised I wanted to go. Heck, I was surprised too. I went to the 10th anniversary, but I have not been to any other concerts or events. But thinking it over I realized... it was not lack of desire to see the Penns or anything... but the fact that I did not want to be "stuck" in state college with the potential of getting sick. But I do not have to worry anymore.

On Monday or Tuesday, I am going to drive to the beach for a day to see my cousins. I could not have done that before.

Over the fourth of July, we are going up to Boston with Les and Ben to see the fireworks and the Pops. Jon has wanted to go for years, but I have always hesitated. I do not have to now.

Lupron has been a God-send. Not only has it helped me feel better (granted, there are still issues), but it has helped me be free to do the things that I have always wanted to do but was too scared to do before. Granted, I have always pushed myself to do stuff, even if I was sick, but I still turned down a lot of things. Now, I can do what I want. Its a beautiful beautiful thing.

So I know this is pretty long. But that is kinda what has been going on and how things are. I plan on making this summer a great one!

house hunting blues

2009-05-06T15:49:00.002-04:00

Really, house hunting sucks. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. It is stressful, exhausting, and annoying. And it means commitment and the loss of flexibility AND most of your savings. Fantastic!

We have spent 3 sats now looking at houses all day. We have been all over the place.

The house we loved in Honeybrook was taken off of the market because the pregnant wife was advised that moving in the 8th or 9th month of her pregnancy would be a bad idea. Duh.

The log cabin we really loved needed maintenance... but the owners are now begging us to put an offer in. They are getting divorced and just waiting to get rid of the thing. Its tempting - we really do love it.

We have looked into a few new constructions, but, like the log cabin, they are all out in coatesville, which we really hesitate about. I guess on the whole that this is not something that causes us to pause or hesitate.

Will we find the house? I don't know. In the meantime, its very stressful for me... and probably makes Jon feel stressed as a result. He puts up with me well, but I have been a monster this week in particular. Sigh.

In other news, I have a sore throat and a fever and bad cramps.

In further news still, I will be going on Lupron very soon. What does this do? Well, it basically stops my body from making Estrogen. You know, that crazy hormone that enables you to have a period? Yup. The good news is that this is one of the top treatments for Endometriosis. The bad news is that it can cause a lowered sex drive, acne, headaches, hot flashes, and general stress.

Truthfully, I am really nervous about it. The first shot is just one month, then I can do two treatments of 3 months. I think that is how it goes. It causes your bones to lose calcium too, so if I did anymore, I would have to take hormone replacement therapy.

My real concerns stem from taking birth control before... namely 3 things: migraines (which, for me, are precipitated by the pill), IBS (stems from feeling stressful and anxious while on the pill), and being a general psycho.

I am pretty freaked out, and I apologize in advance if I turn into a monster. Still, doing this has helped a LOT of people have non-painful periods. When the estrogen stops, the endometrial growths stop growing and actually shrink... this means when I get back to my normal cycle, the growths are gone or are tiny so they do not bleed and make me miserable. Hopefully.

So... 6 months. I would like to try to do a 6 month treatment. This I am currently menstrual for the last time until November.

And honestly, I cannot tell you how amazing it is to think about making plans this summer.

Making plans in advance has always been very difficult for me. The reason is that I never know if I am going to feel terrible. I never know if it will be "that time" or whether I will be suffering an ibs attack or what. I just dont know.

But now... finally... a glimmer of hope. The thought that I can plan to go away this summer without worrying that I will be sick is amazing. Jon and I hope to meet up with Les and Ben in Boston this year for the 4th of July. My first thought, as usual, is: what if I am sick? What if I have my period? And then I realize..... but I wont! How wonderful is that?!

Endo is something only a person with endo can really understand. Sadly, most women think it is "normal" to feel pain when they have their period. It isn't. Remember, your body has a reason for pain ~ something is being hurt or torn or generally messed up. Pain is your body's way of being like YO! Something is WRONG!

And so it is with a lot of doctors.... oh? you feel sick with your period? so does every other girl! just try this pill or that pill or this drug or that drug. It makes someone with a true problem feel so alone. It actually makes you question your sanity.

With this new doctor, I actually broke down when telling her my history. She asked what I had tried... so I started detailing what I was doing freshman year of college... and I realized... I have been like this for 10 years. 10 years! 10 years I have been in pain every month. 10 years I have been talking to doctors and finding no response. My original doctor had me on a slew of birth control pills. When I started getting migraines, I went off of them, and she put me on a slew of pain killers. Nothing worked except for one drug that was taken off the market. All of the other ones killed my intestines and kicked up my IBS. If it wasnt one thing, it was another. She was always very - well, pain is normal. ITS NOT!
I had to go through several nurse practictioners before I got to my last doctor. I thought she was different... but she was more interested in telling me to get pregnant. Even before I was married. She wanted me to do the birth control thing again. I gave it a try. Stress. I gave the mini pill a try... well hello 20 lbs of water weight! The most I have ever weighed in my life was 140. 140 on a 5ft4 frame was not so great for me. Finally, I convinced her to check my hormones... she said they were "fine". Then, I had a laparoscopy 2 years ago last month. I was finally diagnosed with moderate endometriosis.

I hated the diagnosis... but at least I can be like SEE - its not just cramping. Its not just me being a wussy little girl. I have a condition.

Sadly, its a condition that no one really understands.

So anyway, I was telling all of this to my new doctor and couldnt help but spring tears. Its been10 years of doctors not taking me seriously. Of me calling out of work two days every month. Of me feeling helpless and alone. Of me not wanting to make plans, not wanting to go out, not wanting to do things because of the possibilities of feeling awful. Certainly, no way to live.

Lupron makes me feel scared and excited. A glimmer of hope, but afraid of hope at the same time. I am very worried about the side effects. What if it makes me stressed, and that kicks my IBS into full gear again? In some ways, that is worse than the once a month pain. What if I start getting migraines again? I usually get headaches at the end of my period, when my estrogen is lo2w anyway. What if? What if?

But I think I am at the point that I am willing to try almost anything. I dont care what it costs. I dont care if it causes more pain in the short term. The only thing I am not willing to do is get pregnant before we are ready. What a stupid idea! Yes, I am fully aware that when we go to have kids, I may not be able to. I might be scarred. I might be blocked. Every day it gets worse, and I realize its just a game with time and my mutinous body. But I will not bring a child into the world to alleviate my pain. How idiotic!

I am soap boxing, I think, and I did not mean to... its just on my mind a lot right now.

I guess I will just go back to vegging, which is what I have done best today, and taking advil.

the floral decorating gene

2009-04-19T09:33:00.002-04:00

We saw 4 houses on Friday and 11 on Sat. We saw nice houses and we saw awful houses... but here are some of the details...

1) We saw a house owned by a Mennonite family. Nice big beautiful yard. Nice location. However, the entire house was like a big doily. Very lacy. Also, it had bizarre closets. Most of you reading this by now probably know of my "thing" about opening closets - I always think there will be a dead body in there. Well, looking at houses brings that thought to the forefront of my mind because EVERY house has a bunch of closed doors. Anyway, the master bedroom had this tall but thin door to storage space and Jon goes, "You probably don't want to open this." I say, "Why, is there a dead body in there?" And he says, "No, but if I had one, that is where I would put it." Needless to say, they will not be getting a bid from us.

2) We saw a house that was owned by a Vietnamese couple. They lived in a perfectly average middle class planned development... and they put cement lions on cement pillars to guard the driveway. Not only that, but they were both male. Come on! Everyone knows you have to have the male and the female to create balance. Anyway, the property was really nice and the house was not bad aside from the BRIGHT blue paint. The problem was the smell. I walked in and my jaw dropped. I dont mean to be culturally insensitive, but I thought people of Indian descent were known for the curry-type smell permeating everything. Nope. Apparently Vietnamese food does the same thing. Or at least it did at their house. I have never experienced that smell before. We left quickly.

3) Another house we went to reeked of smoke. Obviously one or both of the parents and, who knows, maybe even the kids were smokers. That alone made it awful for me. But the house was not terrible, so I decided to venture upstairs just to check it out... and it was dark... and all of the doors were closed. I opened door number one and found a tart burner. But the owner of said tart burner did not put a wax tart in the burner... oh no! She put vanilla OIL in the top of the tart burner. Brilliant! Let's put oil within 3 inches of a lit tea light. The whole room was filled with smoke. Enough so that the 2 seconds it took me to walk in, blow out the candle, and close the door again left me coughing and coated with a vanilla scent. Idiots! We did not bother with the other rooms, though looking back I wish we had. Who knows what other fire hazards they had left around. Good thing all of the fire alarms had no batteries!

4) We went into a split level house that made me think if I was an out of work stoner musician, this would be a good place to get high and play my guitar in the middle of the night and talk about philosophy. In other words, not that it was bad, but it did seem more fitting to commune type living. Oh, and there was a boar's head mounted on the wall.

5) One house we went to was decked out in "country chic". Flowered wallpaper everywhere. In every room, including all of the bedrooms, were giant floral prints. Now, she did a very nice job coordinating it all... but DEAR LORD! There has to be a floral decorating gene, because that kinda stuff gets passed down from generation to generation. And, I really hope it is, because it would make me sad to know people decorate like that on purpose. Truth be told, the house was nice and well kept... but they totally had a water issue. Jon and I walked around the yard and were pretty much squishing all over the place.

6) We got to a house that clearly had not been maintained... things were sort of cruddy and falling apart, even though it probably once was a nice house. The problem was that the people were there. Their realtor did not tell them anyone was coming to see the house... and when were got there, another realtor showed up with a couple about our age. The woman was clearly upset as they were packing up their things. Our realtor (Paul - he is awesome, if you need someone, you must call him) was pretty confident that they were being foreclosed on and the realtor was working with the bank, so did not really know or care that the home owners were still there. The other realtor who showed up actually said that she was told the house was vacant. :(

7) The most interesting house we went to see was one where they had covered over the front of the house to make a "covered porch". The problem is that now the front windows of the house are utterly useless because the roof of the porch slants over them and lets no light in. Brilliant idea. :P They also covered over the garage... so the garage is still there... but you cannot use it now, and they sort of use it for storage. Also, the back porch is reachable from.... the master bedroom. But nowhere else. It was just totally bizarre. The property was really nice but... come on! Whywould you cover up the useable parts of your house?!

So yes, we saw a lot of strange things and a lot of duds. We have 2 on our "A" list right now... and so we keep looking. We will see what happens!

What is new?

2009-04-13T12:31:00.002-04:00

So what is new?

I would say, overall, not too much... so this will probably be brief.

I have been looking for various jobs, both summer and otherwise.
Jon is sort of doing the same.
We signed a realtor, he is awesome... so hopefully a house will be in our near future.
I am growing plants in our apartment but so far, only the sugar snap peas and onions are proliferating. I think. I probably should have labeled the pots, huh?
Spring break was extraordinarily restful, thankfully
We got a new bed a few weeks ago - so far, so good... between that and the breathe right strips, I am actually getting some sleep
We are hoping to plan a vacation... I have kind of narrowed it down to an Alaskan cruise, but my dad is being reluctant. He is a spoilsport... but I am going to go speak with the travel agency today and see what we can accomplish for our budget and time frame

That is about it. I really ought to make use of my last day of vacation before going back to that place. I start working at the hospital again next weekend (depressing!) so this will be my last day off for about 2 weeks. Awesome.

blog stalker

2009-03-24T13:50:00.002-04:00

I admit it, I am a total blog stalker.

I like reading the blogs of friends and acquaintances and I wonder if it is a necessarily a good thing. I tend to think it probably isn't.

Blogs - a fantastically easy way to get caught up on the details (and occassionally the minutiae) of someone's life without actually having to talk with them, see them, or really have them even know you are doing it.

Over the past few years, I have watched my little hit counter at the bottom rise steadily. One can only assume that it is probably the same group of people checking in once in awhile to see if I have written. I do the same thing to others. It is usually out of boredom.

Take today, for example. I am currently sitting in a public library in Lititz. (Go ahead Jon, giggle) I am sitting with a really nice 6th grader who, for some reason, could not make the mandatory PSSA testing for our school. So, here I am, giving the test to him. He is taking a bit longer than most kids do - not a huge deal - but as a result, I have been sitting in this seat since 9:00 this morning. It is now 2:00. Oh, and I did not bring lunch. It is amazing he can concentrate over the rumblings of my stomach.

Anyway, today is a perfect day to stalk people's blogs. And I have. Most of you have not updated - for shame - and instead I have turned to doing my own post.

Earlier today, I was reading an article in The Week about the facebook generation and how most people from the early tweens to the late twenties are rarely ever alone. What happened to the ability to disconnect from the world and escape into your own mind? How long can you go without checking facebook / email / twitter / myspace / blogs? Personally, I get antsy when I do not get a chance to check these every few hours. I get a ridiculous sense of accomplishment and, dare I say, sense of rebellion if I come home from work (on the computer, all day) and do not turn on my lappy and do not check all of these social networking devices.

The article talked about how crucial introspection (which relies on being alone) is during the "formative years" of a person's life. If you are never really alone, how can you figure out who you are? One of the questions that has always plagued me is, "Do other people think?"

That probably sounds REALLY self-absorbed and pretentious of me. But I have to wonder.

I know that I spend way too much time thinking. Don't worry - I am usually not thinking about myself! I seem to have an extremely developed ability to be unaware of myself, both to my benefit and detriment. Anyway, I think a lot and all the time. The only time I am not thinking all over the place is when I am focused on a sigular activity. Singing, writing, and lesson creation / teaching are like this for me. Also, focusing on a person if they are asking my advice or telling me something important. They block out everything else. But the rest of the time, my mind is multi-task central.

I have had the time in my past (and my present, I suppose) to really be alone and to think about things. And even when I have not exactly had the alone time, I knew how to think, and so I could sort of compartmentalize and think while occupied with other tasks. Amazing how the brain works!

But that brings me back to that question - do people think? And if kids learn to think by being alone or by doing "real time" interacting (and no, I do not mean Twitter or text message or IM or anything else)... are they limited in terms of their development?

I am not sure if it is me getting older (and wiser and I guess more presumptuous) or what... but more and more I am interacting with students who are showing me that they do not really know how to think. I ask a student if they think a bicycle wheel has radial symmetry. I have explained the concept of radial symmetry. They give me the verbal equivalent to a blank stare, then ask what page it is on. And that is merely just knowing a definition. Take it a step further - I ask a student to explain in their own words the results of Mendel's Pea Plant experiments, and they copy directly from the book. Or they detail the experiment. They cannot take the words, mull it over in their brain, and use different words to explain it. Another perfect example is asking a student to do a probability question in genetics. If 2 out of 4 children have a genetic disease, what percentage have the disease? What is the chance of the child getting the disease? I don't know, this is not math class. What?! Really?!

So it is scary... if alone-ness creates the time and frame for learning how to think inside of your own head... and children now never are alone... what will happen in the future?

It relates also to nature-deficit disorder. I remember when I was younger, my brother and I would tell my mom that we were out playing. We might be down the street playing street hockey. We might be playing man-hunt. I was just as likely to be inside of a neighbors house. Be home at dinner! That was all she needed to say or to worry about. And we would be off! We were able to interact with other kids and have that mental alone time. But now... my parent's neighborhood, where I grew up, is mostly silent. There is a little roving gang of about 3 kids that ride bikes together once in awhile. Other than that, summer sounds like birds, crickets, and, once in awhile, a dog barking. The laughter that you could once provided a constant background cacophony is now silent.

Here is what I suggest to you... and probably mostly to myself:

Next time you are "bored" or feeling "jittery" because you cannot check the interwebnet.... do one of two things:

1) call someone. Don't go check their blog - call them, ask them how they are doing. Tell them you have 10 minutes and just wanted to see how they were doing

2) think. Spend just 10 minutes thinking. How is your life going? Are you where you want to be? Do you have good friends, good family? Are you taking care of your body? What do you want to accomplish today? this year? 5 years from now? 10?

Being introspective is not a terrible thing - so long as it does not turn to selfishness and pride. I think the really terrible thing is the disconnect we really have from each other. Reading someone's blog does not make you friends. If you think I am judging you, I am not. I am just as guilty as charged. Perhaps this whole entry is really about judging myself.

Maybe it is because, sitting in this little library in Lancaster, I am actually alone. And it has given me some time to think.

the bachelor

2009-03-03T17:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so here is the thing... I was not so into the bachelor, but since there was nothing on last night until Heroes, I tuned in. I knew it was the finale, so why not settle in for some sappiness?

The thing is... it was disgusting.

First of all, this guy made out with pretty much every single girl there. Besides kissing all of them, he had serious make-out sessions with at least 5 of them. Hello? Gross! Also, can you fall in love with someone in 2 months? I suppose so. But how can you fall in love and love "everything about" someone when you a) do not see them every day and b) he just so happens to be making out with a bunch of other girls?! These poor pathetic women need to wake up and smell the scent of other women on this man that they adore. What man who is worth having be willing to make out with all those various chicks for 2 months and have no moral issue with it.

Here is the other thing - this dude has a kid. This poor little kid is about 3... and at least they mostly kept him out of it until the very end. However, the ever-debonaire bachelor proposes to this woman in the last episode and they proceed to spend 6 weeks together, Christmas holidays and all... and then! and then!!!!

Then he brings her back to the show, breaks up with her on tv (she totally did not see it coming) and proceeds to beg the reject, girl number 2, for a chance... and she says yes. AND THEY MAKE OUT.

Think about it.... this poor little boy is going to have a heck of the time 10 years from now when he starts seeing clips of his loser dad on the internet. Is he going to think making out with various women is okay? Ugh. When a guy does that in real life, we call him a player and a whore... do it on tv and its all rainbows and butterflies. EW. ew ew ew.

Reality TV has seen some lows... but this is low. icky. Did they all get STD screenings beforehand?

Something else I don't get... most of these women are like 24 to 27. All of them are like yeah, I have done the whole party thing, I had my own life, now I am ready for a family. The last two girls, in fact, were 24 and 25. Really? Really at 24 you are ready to be a step mom? Methinks not! Young, beautiful, intelligent women would look at this situation (32 yr old divorcee who has been engaged TWICE now, married once, with a 3 yr old in tow) and think: hmm, maybe something is wrong with him. HELLO!!!!! Wake up dummies!!! Really, at 24 you are ready to drop everything and move across the country for someone you have known (barely) for 2 months? Please. Life does NOT work like that, and people who think it does have a lot of disappointments in their future.

Am I being too harsh? I think not!

In fact, I think I am rather qualified to rant like this because I can trace back nearly all of the issues in my relationships to the fact that I lived in a fantasy world.

When I look back, most of the times I got in trouble with my boyfriends were when I though things had to be storybook fairytale perfect. Is magic real? Yes. Can things be the stuff of dreams? Yes, totally. But I am pretty convinced that the true beauty in a relationship is found in the seemingly mundane.

A glance where you know what he or she is thinking, and you know that he or she totally understands you in the same way...
A good morning kiss...
Sharing laughter...

These are the amazing wonderful fantastic things that happen every day, and THAT is the true fairytale, not this bs whisk you off to New Zealand and take you on a helicopter ride and then go bungee jumping before the personal chef makes you a 7 course meal. I am not saying have low expectations... but, heavens, be realistic! See the beauty of an every day committed relationship... of knowing he will be there when you wake up and when you go to bed... of knowing that there will be problems and that you will work it out... of a tickle fight... of watching a movie or watching "your show" together... there is a lot to rejoice in there.

Anyway, I think this stupid show has gotten me off track. The main point is that I am pretty grossed out... not only be the fact that this guy was slutty, and had a KID to think of... but for a show promoting the storybook romance! Blech. Girls should NOT think love happens that way! Real love is way way way better and way more normal than that. It feels just as amazing, don't worry.... but you should not need a yacht ride into the sunset to generate that love!