what a week.
Its Memorial Day... the past week has been somewhat hectic and strange. My birthday was on Friday, I am officially "old". I guess 25 seems like a real adult. I remember feeling like 25 was so old and so far away when I was younger. But here it is... and im still in somewhat of a limbo.
Current studies suggest that adolescense is being extended into the 20s. I tend to agree... not only from seeing the men around me, but from my own experience. I always sort of considered myself a late bloomer... I definitely grew another 2 or 3 inches in college, and sometimes I contend that I am still getting taller, though I admit its mostly a lie to my short self. I got my period a little later than my peers (14, I think? And that one goes out to you, Chris A!) and I most definitely got curves later than my friends. Its so strange to think that physically, adolescense/adulthood is getting younger (I think I would cry if my daughter got her period at 8 or 9... thats 2nd or 3rd grade, people) but mental adolescense is extending further and further. Back in "the day", kids would start marrying and having families (and the responsibilities that come with families) when they were in their teens. Most 28 year olds have a hard time comprehending marriage now!!
So while I was a physical late bloomer... I have often thought of myself as being a little bit more mentally mature than the majority of my peers growing up. Who was I kidding though? Here I have watched in the past two years several of my good friends getting married, to realize that they are so much more mature than I am... I am not ready for marriage! I dont know what it takes to be a wife! Overall, that leads me to think that perhaps I am in some suspended state of adolescense. Mental maturity, naturally, is not a cut and dry thing... and I realize that perhaps I am mentally mature in some ways and not so much in others. I have to give myself a little credit, I dont want to totally demolish who I am or anything... But i look to my friends who have picked up a ball and chain and im so proud of them for taking the leap. It seems like marriage, in some ways, is that jump off the pier of childhood into the abyss of adulthood. I am envious, sometimes, because I know I am not ready yet, and I wish I was. But you cant force emotional maturity.... you just have to live and grow.
Although most of my former students liked to think that they would move out and be on their own after graduating from high school, the reality is that most kids, even after college, simply cannot afford to be on their own. With good jobs in short supply, few of us have the capital to be an economical adult... I know for certain that I dont have the dinero. I desperately want to move out, but to live in Chester County is expensive... and I have no one to live with. So here I am extending adolescense even longer, staying at home. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating of all things... being beyond ready to be out (and have been for perhaps 3 years) and not having the cash to do it. Its my own fault, perhaps, being a slacker and valuing time to relax and sleep and hang out with friends over a full time 9 to 5 job. i dont know, I dont think I am cut out for that kind of stuff. I think I did the right thing staying at home while I was at Ren. acad.... otherwise I wouldnt have been able to get the heck out of there when I needed to. but it would have been awesome to have my own place again. I definitely miss it. At this point, almost all of my friends are out on their own, though everyone who is "out" is living with someone else, be it significant other or friend. Maybe I just waited too long and I shouldve done it when I had the chance and then just made it work afterwards.
To be honest, I dont know where this post is going, or why I started writing it. I guess a lot of things have been on my mind this week. I sort of have a mental list of things to do... and its nice to get it out...
1. find teaching job
2. move out of my house
3. if no teaching job, find a job, any job, that will allow me to move out
4. get masters (probably in education, I know thats not really exciting or even difficult, but its something)
5. decide what is important to me
Maybe its no. 5 thats really, um, "getting my goat" this week. I am really not sure whats important to me right now... i know I have been putting my life in the right direction... working out, trying to have a real sleep schedule, being more careful about my body and what im putting into it... I really really really need to get off that f-ing birth control, cuz its really messing me up in more ways than one... But overall, I dont know where my loyalties lay (lie?) and what I want for my future. I would muse more, but its hard to do that and be honest when I know who reads this. (no offense intended, really, its just to spare unnecessary anxiety)
its 10 pm almost... and im listening to Delilah at work.... and for some reason the channel keeps sort of switching between it and some other soft rock channel. sigh. story of my life.
If you noticed, I put a counter down at the bottom of this blog... I know it kind of looks pathetic right now.... but I was curious if anyone besides Ethan and Chris A read this... I wont know its YOU if you read it... it just counts (duh, Ericka, way to be captain obvious) and thats all I really get to see. it might give me your ip address, but its not like I know your ip addresses. I am nerdy, but not THAT nerdy. So I dunno... maybe you could boost my ego and check it several times a day... or read it in parts over the day... make me feel like someone cares about whats going on in my life. :P Not that theres all that much up. But... ya know. I am sure you get it.
Enough.
Current studies suggest that adolescense is being extended into the 20s. I tend to agree... not only from seeing the men around me, but from my own experience. I always sort of considered myself a late bloomer... I definitely grew another 2 or 3 inches in college, and sometimes I contend that I am still getting taller, though I admit its mostly a lie to my short self. I got my period a little later than my peers (14, I think? And that one goes out to you, Chris A!) and I most definitely got curves later than my friends. Its so strange to think that physically, adolescense/adulthood is getting younger (I think I would cry if my daughter got her period at 8 or 9... thats 2nd or 3rd grade, people) but mental adolescense is extending further and further. Back in "the day", kids would start marrying and having families (and the responsibilities that come with families) when they were in their teens. Most 28 year olds have a hard time comprehending marriage now!!
So while I was a physical late bloomer... I have often thought of myself as being a little bit more mentally mature than the majority of my peers growing up. Who was I kidding though? Here I have watched in the past two years several of my good friends getting married, to realize that they are so much more mature than I am... I am not ready for marriage! I dont know what it takes to be a wife! Overall, that leads me to think that perhaps I am in some suspended state of adolescense. Mental maturity, naturally, is not a cut and dry thing... and I realize that perhaps I am mentally mature in some ways and not so much in others. I have to give myself a little credit, I dont want to totally demolish who I am or anything... But i look to my friends who have picked up a ball and chain and im so proud of them for taking the leap. It seems like marriage, in some ways, is that jump off the pier of childhood into the abyss of adulthood. I am envious, sometimes, because I know I am not ready yet, and I wish I was. But you cant force emotional maturity.... you just have to live and grow.
Although most of my former students liked to think that they would move out and be on their own after graduating from high school, the reality is that most kids, even after college, simply cannot afford to be on their own. With good jobs in short supply, few of us have the capital to be an economical adult... I know for certain that I dont have the dinero. I desperately want to move out, but to live in Chester County is expensive... and I have no one to live with. So here I am extending adolescense even longer, staying at home. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating of all things... being beyond ready to be out (and have been for perhaps 3 years) and not having the cash to do it. Its my own fault, perhaps, being a slacker and valuing time to relax and sleep and hang out with friends over a full time 9 to 5 job. i dont know, I dont think I am cut out for that kind of stuff. I think I did the right thing staying at home while I was at Ren. acad.... otherwise I wouldnt have been able to get the heck out of there when I needed to. but it would have been awesome to have my own place again. I definitely miss it. At this point, almost all of my friends are out on their own, though everyone who is "out" is living with someone else, be it significant other or friend. Maybe I just waited too long and I shouldve done it when I had the chance and then just made it work afterwards.
To be honest, I dont know where this post is going, or why I started writing it. I guess a lot of things have been on my mind this week. I sort of have a mental list of things to do... and its nice to get it out...
1. find teaching job
2. move out of my house
3. if no teaching job, find a job, any job, that will allow me to move out
4. get masters (probably in education, I know thats not really exciting or even difficult, but its something)
5. decide what is important to me
Maybe its no. 5 thats really, um, "getting my goat" this week. I am really not sure whats important to me right now... i know I have been putting my life in the right direction... working out, trying to have a real sleep schedule, being more careful about my body and what im putting into it... I really really really need to get off that f-ing birth control, cuz its really messing me up in more ways than one... But overall, I dont know where my loyalties lay (lie?) and what I want for my future. I would muse more, but its hard to do that and be honest when I know who reads this. (no offense intended, really, its just to spare unnecessary anxiety)
its 10 pm almost... and im listening to Delilah at work.... and for some reason the channel keeps sort of switching between it and some other soft rock channel. sigh. story of my life.
If you noticed, I put a counter down at the bottom of this blog... I know it kind of looks pathetic right now.... but I was curious if anyone besides Ethan and Chris A read this... I wont know its YOU if you read it... it just counts (duh, Ericka, way to be captain obvious) and thats all I really get to see. it might give me your ip address, but its not like I know your ip addresses. I am nerdy, but not THAT nerdy. So I dunno... maybe you could boost my ego and check it several times a day... or read it in parts over the day... make me feel like someone cares about whats going on in my life. :P Not that theres all that much up. But... ya know. I am sure you get it.
Enough.
posted by FireWithin at 9:28 PM
1 Comments:
Thank you for writing those things that I find myself wondering about lately as well.
I get the whole "everybody else" complex, but what works for them at a particular time may not be what will work for everyone.
Maybe it's good that these things aren't in the cards for you just yet.
Besides, the only thing you have to be by the age of 25 is yourself.
And with that, I'd like to say that I am a proud reader of your blog.
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