I suppose I feel like I can write about this because I think anyone who actually reads my blog already knows...

We are pregnant!

Okay, not really... I am pregnant, he is just taking care of my sick sad self. Even that is not fully true, at least not anymore. I hit 11 weeks today, so here is a general summary of the past few months...



"It" (and no, I do not feel badly referring to it as It because that is what It is as far as I know) was conceived on November 18th. I know this because I am incredibly impatient and I hate getting my period. So, after 3 months of just seeing what will happen, I decided to use those fun pee-on ovulation tests. Not that I would be unaware of my ovulation otherwise. The stabbing knives in my ovaries are usually a pretty good indication of supreme fertility.

The funny part to me, which might be a little TMI, is that neither Jon nor I were actually in the mood. He had been away for work and was fighting a cold. I was tired on account of poor sleep and general blahness that signifies the start of the true winter season. But we went for it anyway. I can honestly say this baby was planned for and tried for and was conceived in love and hope (and all the rest of that bs).

On November 28th (or was it 27th?), I took a pregnancy test, just to see. I knew my period should be coming soon, but I had been feeling mind-numbingly tired and alternately hyper.

After peeing on the stick and setting it on the counter, I remember thinking to myself, "You know, you are only going to get pregnant when you truly let go." And then I did. And then I looked down and saw a faint double line. Holy cow.

At that point, my heart nearly jumped out of my body it was beating so hard. I walked downstairs to Jon and put his hand on my neck. I asked him if he could feel my heart and he asked if I was okay. I said, "I think we might be pregnant." I am pretty sure he just looked at me. I took him upstairs and showed him the "weak positive" (thanks medical tech training!) and seeing that, I really had no doubt. I figured if it stuck, the line would get stronger over the week due to the influx of HCG and we would go from there.

The first order of business was sleeping. Which was nearly impossible, because we were both kind of freaked out.

Years ago I made my peace with the fact that I simply might never be able to have a child. My endometriosis was diagnosed in 2006 and who knows how it has grown in the past 5 years. Despite my attempts to stave it off with Lupron and birth control, who really knew? I can say this though - I fully believe that the gluten-free dairy-free diet I was on for the past year helped tremendously. No, I was not super strict on it, but I worked hard at it, and I have to give it some credit.

For about another week or so, I felt good. Still tired, but certainly not sick or anything.

And then it hit.

Starting towards the beginning of December, I started feeling sick. I was not throwing up, but it honestly felt like I had my period. I was nauseated all day every day. All food, especially veggies and meats, made me turn up my nose. I was trying to drink more water (eat for one, drink for two, as my doc told me), my mouth not only tasted like metal (still does) but it was watering CONSTANTLY. I was getting waves of cramping and nausea that were worse. I attribute the cramping mostly to the changes in my uterus... as it grows and reshapes, all of my scar tissue has to break up. The nausea... well, as long as I kept eating, it was okay, but I could not eat too much.
And oh, the exhaustion!
I have never felt so tired in my life, and it was completely different from "didn't get enough sleep" tired or even "low iron" tired. I would sleep 10 to 12 hours a night and still have to drag my butt out of bed and was yawning all day.

We went to Maine for Christmas, a decision that was probably not the best one, in retrospect. It was hard. I was feeling sick and my tolerance for chaos was low low low, so it was really hard for me to be around so much family -especially so many yelling running bouncing children. I am glad we got to see everyone, but it was still really rough on me and I felt like I did not get much rest over the break. :(

I think the hardest part about feeling so icky is that it is very easy to have doubts. Can I handle this? What if my body just completely gives up? Is the baby okay? Am I supposed to feel this hellish? What if I cannot make it to the end? Is this really what I want?

That kind of long-term sick feeling really saps your positivity. As much as I wanted to be excited about the pregnancy, I sort of just wanted it to go away too. It is hard to be thrilled when you can barely think straight you are so tired and ill.


However, I do have good news to report: I have finally turned the corner. Starting last week (just shy of 10 weeks), I woke up one morning and just felt better. And it has stuck! This week I am mostly devoid of nausea (YAY!!!) and feeling more energized. I am getting up like 2 or 3 times a night to pee, and on top of it randomly waking up for about a half hour to 45 minutes in the wee hours of the morning... but I am feeling so so so much better.


Now... the fun stuff.

We ended up telling Jon's parents on Christmas Eve eve. They had to leave for Maine early, so we got together for a late dinner and presents. We had gotten a really cheap stocking at the dollar store and wrote "baby n" on it. Jon's mom opened it first and her whole face lit up and she gasped as her mouth formed an "o". She passed it to my father-in-law, who pretty much had the same reaction. They were thrilled! I got hugs first, but they were happy for Jon too. :) It was a relief to be honest about how cruddy I was feeling because I had been trying to hide it for so long.

The next night, we told my parents. We got luminary candles and bags and cut out "we're pregnant" into the bags. We told my family we had a surprise for them and set up the bags at the bottom of their property. They were sort of smushed together in one area so that it could be read. My brother said later that he wondered why we had done such a cruddy job of spacing them out. :) My mom was really excited about the luminaries because we have talked for years about doing them, but every time it is windy or rainy or weathering in some way. This Christmas Eve was perfect! Cold, calm, and clear.
As we walked down to check them out, all three of them started to realize something was written on the bags. My mom, however, caught on first. She shrieked. Then she jumped up and down and hugged me and started bawling and laughing and there was even a little peeing involved, she was so excited. Of course, this made me laugh and cry as well. She kept saying Really?! Really?!?! My brother caught on next and gave Jon a huge hug and picked him up in the air. My dad FINALLY figured it out. He said he thought it said something about elephants. He picked Jon up as well. :) My family was just so excited - it was really really cool. My mom was shocked because it happened so fast an she was not expecting it. My dad was excited in his own understated way. My brother cannot wait to be an uncle. It was a neat experience.

During our visit to Maine, we had family pictures taken, so we waited until we were getting a picture of the siblings. Jon's mom said, "Oh, if only we had something to say that would make us all smile." So Jon was like, okay, everyone say "Jon and Ericka are pregnant!" And they DID, but it took a few seconds to catch on. They all sort of did that mental double take like, wait, what? What?! They were all quite happy for us, though it is hard in some ways too. My older sister in law really enjoyed pregnancy and would probably love to have another kid, but they are done. My younger sister in law had a lot of fertility issues so although they have 3 kids now, I know it hits home a bit that it was so "easy" for us. But they really are thrilled, especially for Jon, because he is going to be a great dad.


I will have to write more later about exciting things....

really?

A-holes that think they are better than everyone else really make me angry.

I am sorry, I really try to like this co-worker of mine, but some days, I want to wring his neck.


He is older and he has seen and done a lot of things in his life. He claims to have double dated with Crick (of Waston & Crick fame). He always has (long) stories to share. As a teacher, he sets the bar VERY high, but if students come to him for help, he seems pretty receptive.

But then there is today.

He was chatting on the phone with another teacher and dropped the f-bomb about 6 times in one minute, all referring to a student. My favorite part was when he said, "I would just tell the little girl to go f herself."

REALLY?!


Okay, I get it, we are not a typical school. There are not hundreds of small prying ears listening for our every screw up. But we do have parents, families, and political figures walking past our cubicles every day. More often than not, they are stopping by his cubicle because of his status as "staff elder", beloved by all admin.

Now, perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps he was just extraordinarily frustrated. However, it is every day that I am hearing f-this, f-that from his cube. Whatever, some people have potty mouths, but realize that we are a school and you need to have your teacher filter on! Even if you have a potty mouth, it is completely and utterly inappropriate to talk about a student that way, even to another teacher. Cubicle walls are not sound-proof.


So, because I was fed-up, I tattled on him. That is right, I told my supervisor. Honestly, that sort of talk grates on my ears, but when I am trying to focus and do recordings and things like that, it is worse.

She walked over and told him to watch his language. He meekly complied... and proceeded to get back on the phone with the same teacher as soon as she walked away and made fun of her for scolding him about his language.


Seriously, who the f do you think YOU are?

He also said he thought he knew who tattled. It was not me he suspected. But today, between his mouth and the trash that comes out of the other end of his body (CONSTANT loud juicy smelly farts - not nearly as funny as you might find it on tv or youtube), I wanted to march over and be like, you know what, go f yourself!


The worst part about it is that he really thinks his poop doesn't stink. And it does. Literally and figuratively.


I really really really try to be understanding that he has this entitlement issue, and that, yes, in certain respects, he IS entitled to act how he wants. I try to keep in mind the good things, like when he finds an article he is dying to share with you or an example you could use in class (though I suspect he does this to show off his OWN knowledge... his smug look that follows your blank one when you do not know the answer to his million dollar question is proof in my mind). But stop being an a-hole within my hearing distance because it makes me want to punch you in the face. Hard.

Breakin Up Is Hard To Do

Over the years, there have been friends who have fallen by the wayside. Everyone has them – people you knew and were a huge part of your life that faded away as your life changed. It is not a bad thing, but a natural progression. I remember the anxiety of high school, which is a time of such fast growth, and realizing that the people who had been my friends for 2 years (which is practically forever then) were people that I did not quite identify with anymore. Arguments and drama ensued, but I have to say that most of those people I am still on good/friendly terms with. I have never had a real “break up” where bridges were burned completely. Even the girl who, literally, said I should be burned at the stake, is still one of my very best friends today. Things have a way of working out, especially if all parties involved can take a step back and realize that not all friends have to be in your business 24/7. You can still love and care for each other on a, dare I say, more convenient basis. I realize that has awful connotations, but let me explain...

I am blessed with wonderful friends who occasionally check in on me. They have busy lives. I have a busy life. I do not expect them to have ESP and magically know when I need them. If I need them, I get in touch with them. Similarly, if they need me, they do the same. It is, in a sense, convenient. Does our friendship have less meaning because they do not know my daily ongoings? No. In fact, I would say it is even stronger, because no matter the time or distance between meetings, everything falls back into place immediately. This is something I really really appreciate. It is basically like having brothers and sisters – that bond is not going to disappear.

I have other friends (also wonderful) that are part of my more daily life. They are people I work with, people I sing with, and people who live in close proximity. They are the people that I see on a more regular basis, that I might go to the movies with or go to a museum with. They are people to have game nights with or meet up for an event. I still do not require very much of them, and I do not expect them to require much of me. That is the beauty of good friendships – they are easy and care-free! I am not super offended if I am not invited somewhere, and I do not think they are offended if I do something without them. I try to spend time with everyone on a regular basis and am more up to date on what is going on with them. Some friends are closer to my heart than others, some know more than others, some would be classified as “good friends” and others closer to “acquaintances”. No big deal – just a lot of nice people to hang out with, who, again, I could count on in a pinch. My work friends are actually probably the closest of the bunch because they really get the full brunt of everything that happens to me. I would consider them good friends.

I guess I feel that I have a laid-back approach to friendships. Is that lazy? I am not sure. That is part of my question to you readers out there. What are your expectations of a friend? Does it depend on who the friend is? Does it depend on how you met? What happens when you have different expectations of how a friendship works?

The reason I wanted to write this post is because I have been watching the slow disintegration of a friendship that ultimately will result in the complete burning of a bridge. And, no, I am not the one with the lit torch and pitchfork. Though I would not have this bridge burned, there is not much I can do about it it seems, and as this is titled, breaking up is hard to do. It is particularly hard for me because I cannot really say that I have ever “lost” a friend. Mutually moved on, maybe. But those were high school friends and college friends who drifted away – no one that felt so negatively about me that they actively stopped being my friends in a hostile way.

Yet, that is what I am dealing with.

Honestly, I thought that this sort of behavior went by the wayside in junior high, but here I am at 30... and she is in her mid-30's! Yikes! Get a grip!

So maybe you are wondering what happened. I would love to recount it, but to be honest, I am not sure. She has tried to explain it to me (you know, back when we were still talking – about a year ago), but her mindset is so completely foreign to me that I could not make heads or tails of it. Here is what I think happened:

Her expectation of what a friend is and does is very different from mine. I am not a big fan of gabbing on the phone – we would basically talk all day at work anyway – and she was upset that I did not want to do that. I did not have much time to spend with her outside of work (I was taking 2 grad classes a semester for my masters, working at the hospital two weekends a month, planning a wedding, singing, taking aikido 3 days a week) and it upset her that I did not have time for her. She expected me to have ESP and ask about her family, although she was very secretive and did not like to give up details – yet she wanted me to drag stuff out of her. She does not like my husband, so if we were to spend time together, it had to be alone.

I called her my work spouse, and in a lot of ways, I spent so much time with her during the day and mentally (often emailing after work) that sometimes it felt like I was cheating on my husband! I remember one time I had stayed late after school playing a board game with her and was late to a planned family dinner because I lost track of time. I felt guilty, like I was with a lover! That was unacceptable to me, so I scaled it back. I think she realized it.

That covers most of the main points. I suppose I could go into the deep psychological aspect of all this. I used to worry myself sick (no, literally, I threw up one time) because I hated upsetting her and I hated all of this drama and angst. She is the master of really nasty emails, though she hates verbal confrontation.

My mom's solution was easy: ditch her. No one needs someone like that in their life.

But I didn't. I kept trying, I kept pushing. However, last school year, I realized that my life WAS way too busy. I quit the hospital. I quit aikido. I started my gluten & dairy free thing. This basically takes us to last fall/winter. I had a very stressful school year with over 200 kids and 3 preps. As a result, I was not working as closely with this friend because of some departmental changes and how much I had to do for my students.

As I focused more intently on work and on figuring out ways to reduce my stress, we talked less and less, checking in maybe once a week, if that. After a few months, it finally hit me: I am happier without this girl in my life. It meant not walking on eggshells all the time. I meant not worrying that she took something I said the wrong way. It meant that instead of using precious work hours to drag information out of her, I could focus on getting stuff done that was required of me.

But it was hard.

She sent me an extraordinarily nasty email on Christmas (of all days), which made me cry while I was trying to enjoy time with my family. I did not respond. We met up for a few hours at a Barnes and Noble and I told her, flat out, that I was sorry for not living up to her expectations. However, I also told her that a friendship takes two, and I knew that if I stopped pursuing her, she would not pursue me.

And here we are a year later, more or less literally, and I have almost put this friendship to permanent sleep.... but I still struggle.

What I predicted was exactly what happened - I stopped talking to her (not on purpose, but out of busy-ness) and she never attempted to contact me.

So it should be over, right?

The issue is that I continue to watch this girl, someone I still really care about, go down in flames. One of her best friends, someone she has treated horribly, but who has stuck by her through all of her attitude swings, is now not really in contact with her after a volley of several really awful email in which she accused him of things he did not do and called him a variety of names that were neither pleasant nor true. Due to this collision, she has quit a program that our group of friends here at work participate in together - really the last formal place where we got to hang out on a regular basis. Our department chair, another good friend of hers, is not really talking with her because she long gave up trying to sugar-coat things so that this girl would not get angry. And the final friend, the poor thing, is still holding on, but her cryptic nature and general nastiness is finally getting to the final friend as well. Recently, she told the two girls not to get her anything for Christmas or her birthday because “she does not need anything”... but it felt much more like a big f-you to those girls, and it really upset them.

So what am I to do? I have made peace (more or less) with the fact that my ex-friend has some legitimate mental issues going on. As I said, there is a lot of backstory psychologically about her childhood and things that I could go into. However, she is 35 years old. When do you stop acting like a 13 year old and take responsibility for your own actions? When do you gain the maturity to look past the fact that you were completely sheltered and had every whim catered to as a child, and realize that you are an adult. She is so completely miserable with herself, but she blames the world for it because she has never had the strength to change her life.

Last week, she stopped by to the one friend who is still hanging on, telling her that I “will do the same thing to her” - referring to me! What? Wait, what did I do? I stopped letting you drag me down into your crazy mental spiral of destruction? Sorry, that seems like a good thing to me. Let me mention again that life is much sunnier without your teenage angst.

Again, to the point of this blog... what am I to do? She is saying nasty things about me behind my back, but that does not bother me too much. She can think what she wants. The bigger issue here is that this IS someone I still care about, even if she does not want to be my friend, and I am not sure what my obligation is to try to help her. I am not sure I CAN help her. But is it not a friend's duty to tell another friend when they are being an idiot? It is so clear to see that she is pushing all of us away and blaming us for it. Maybe if it was just one person, maybe if it were just me, then I would be more concerned that it WAS my fault. But when you see her push away 4 people who have done nothing but put up with her bs for the past 5 years.... at some point you have to think maybe it is not US, but HER.

I do not really care if our friendship picks back up again. It would be nice to be friends, but right now I am just concerned for her mental well-being. She really has problems that need addressing. I am concerned for our other friends who still really care about maintaining a friendship. It destroys my friends when this girl is so mean to them, and I am angry that they are being treated that way.

So what do I do? If you see someone trip on the sidewalk, don't you help them up? Or do you stand there and watch?