Members Only

I hate exclusivity.  I hate hate hate it. 

I don't mean in terms of relationships or anything like that.  (Not looking for a threesome!  ew!   No sharing!)  I hate when people are part of a closed group.  I hate cliques.  I hate people who purposefully exclude others and the smugness of the "in" crowd, whoever that might be.  I hated it even when I was, I suppose, part of that group. 

A chance encounter with my former work spouse led me to write this entry.

I have written about her before, and have lamented the death of our friendship.  To summarize:  From my perspective, she had unrealistic expectations of what a friend should be, and was quite dramatic over perceived slights (i.e. I did not call her when I got home from school...  after I had been talking to her over IM all day..., I did not ditch my husband on the weekends to hang out with her).  She has a different perspective, which I think includes me being a horrible friend for various reasons.  And, who knows, maybe she was right.  I have been completely spoiled by some amazing people, whose friendship transcends time and distance.  In terms of love languages, "time spent" is very low ranking on what counts to me, and so I tend to give less time as well.  Unfortunate, that, because I think time was her #1.

Anyway, I ran into her.

And whoa, hate vibes.  The hate was literally rolling off of her.  When I walked into the room, she got up and left.  I think she probably went back to her desk, realized that she was being a pussy, and came back.  She proceeded to angle her whole body away from me, and snidely talk with her friend. 

Her friend is a little notorious around the office for being a bit snooty.  I don't know if she actually is or not...  I don't particularly care.  However, the friend was kinda sending me some hate daggers as well, so who knows what she thinks of me. 

So here I am writing about this, because it gets under my skin, and writing is the best way to release that.  Also, I am not exaggerating about this - I had a witness.

The underlying feeling I got during this encounter was just that - of exclusivity.  In the past month or so, this ex-friend has reconciled with all of the other friends she excommunicated last year.  I do not begrudge her that.  Yet whenever I see her with them, I get the same feeling:  Look at me, with them, and you are not included. 

I thought for awhile that maybe my reaction was unfounded and that maybe I was just sad over the loss of our friendship.  And I even thought that if there was an opportunity for us to fix things, I would be happy for it.  Now...  at least right now, no thanks.  I do not want any parts of that.  I do not have time in my life for junior-high style mind games.  I lead an extremely happy life, and I do not need someone like that in it. 

She is acting kind of like a bitch. 

Now bitch is not a word that I use often.  I reserve it for those that deserve it.  And I would never say she IS one.  No, no...  but she is acting like one.  And I am happy that my friends are again engaging her friendship.  I am glad they are all hanging out.  I am glad they are happy?  I think?  But I just don't have the time nor energy to devote to being in this "in crowd".  When I think about how much time it would take to navigate the complications of a friendship with this girl, and how much time I spent in the past...  Sigh.

It was not time wasted.  I learned a lot.  I have known for a long time that loving someone does not mean you can have a relationship with him.  She taught me that the same goes for friendships.  You can love someone, but have so much friction and tension in your friendship that it self-destructs, no matter how you try to "fix" it.  Before her, it has been a long time since I let a friend get so intertwined in myself that I got lost.  I was so wrapped up in her issues, I was not looking out for myself.  She has gotten me so emotionally sick that I have thrown up.  Literally.  Selflessness is not a bad thing, but that is sheer craziness.  Why do that?  Why persist in that? 

She has also served as a reminder that everyone has ugly sides, myself included.  I don't think she is truly a bad person, but she has issues, and she goes for blood sometimes.  I am above that.  I don't intend to sound egotistic or something...  but I am tired of letting her frustrate me, even from afar!  It has been about a year and a half since everything imploded, and yet she still bugs me.  I have to reflect and ask myself: why does she REALLY bother me so much?  Maybe it is because it was unresolved?  Maybe because we run into each other, like today, and she is so.....  nasty.  I can say she is the only person that I have ever known that I have seriously wanted to slap and tell to grow the f up. 

Still, I hate the feeling of exclusivity.  Note that this is different from hating to not be included.  That does not bother me at all.  I hate when people are part of a group and they are smug about it.  It makes me want to kick them in the face.  Like, why are you so self-important?

As a side note, this is why I have really enjoyed singing with Project Philly.  I do NOT get that feeling from them.  Maybe a little in the beginning because it had to be small by necessity.  But now, 8 (?) years later, it is so incredibly inclusive, and they work really hard to take as many singers as possible.  The people are loving and accepting and just enjoy being together.  For the most part, everyone I have come across there is friendly and welcoming.  

So there is my cathartic post.  I suppose I am just trying to remind myself that I do not need toxic people in my life, and she definitely is poisonous to me.  It is a shame that our combination is so explosive, because we had some really great times too.  Ahh well.