Things they forgot to mention

WARNING:  This particular post could possibly have Too Much Information in it so...  be forewarned.  :)


I feel like there are a lot of things they simply do not tell you when you are considering pregnancy and certainly that are not clearly explained after you have already gotten pregnant.  I don't want to be one of those people who only talks about their pregnancy like that is the only thing in my life that is going on...  but it is pretty major.  And, frankly, I am likely to have hormone-induced amnesia after this is all over, so I think it is smart to record it for posterity.

Now, it might seem a bit surprising that I know nothing about pregnancy.  I do teach Biology, so I am pretty well-versed in the creation process.  I know an embryo from a fetus, I know how sperm and eggs develop, I understand the hormones that drive you to have sex so that you can propagate the species.  However, as far as actual pregnancy goes, I willingly admit my cluelessness.  I must say that ignorance is, in fact, bliss, because if it WAS carefully explained to little girls what would happen to their bodies during pregnancy, they might think twice about going forward.

Here are some of things I did not really realize would happen...

• Sleep, or Lack Thereof
• Sure, everyone knows that when the baby actually comes, sleep takes a back seat...  or maybe a seat in a completely different car that is on a foreign continent.  You also hear how often you have to pee, which is caused by both hormones and the baby squishing your bladder.  How bad can it be though?  Well, no one told me that the last solid night's sleep I would get was the night that sperm met the egg.  I kid you not, I have not slept through the night in over 7 months.  At first, it was hormones making me get up to pee at least twice.  Then it was the increased water intake.  Then it was the kiddo growing larger.  This late in the game, it is combination of all of these things.  I get up about 4 times a night to pee.  And although I go to sleep at 10 and get up between 6 and 7, 8 hours of sleep is a thing of the past.  I must say though, I am blessed with my father's ability to go back to sleep nearly instantaneously once I get comfortable.  However, that is another issue.  I might sleep for 2 hours, but in that time, the kiddo sinks to one side.  Try turning over, go ahead!  I am pretty much all belly and I can say with conviction that I really have not put on weight anywhere except the front of my body (old wives tale: typical boy).  Considering so far that I have gone from about 118 to about 146...  It is like I have nearly 30 lbs just stuck on to the front of me.   Sometimes I feel like Humpty Dumpty.  Anyway, people keep telling me to get sleep before the baby comes, and I keep wondering what the heck they are talking about.  Sure, I would LOVE to sleep, and I am in my bed for an appropriate amount of time every night, but there are a couple of roadblocks there!  truthfully, I do not even have the worst of it.  I know a lot of women who do not fall asleep the instant they hit the pillow and spent half of their nights up wandering the halls, reading, and watching tv because they are so uncomfortable that they cannot sleep at all.  I would suggest before anyone get pregnant that they consider their sleep needs and formulate some plan to reduce their misery if sleep deprivation makes them very cranky.  In *good* news, personally, my body has adjusted to this weirdo sleep pattern, and I don't think I look particularly tired.  Plus, since I teach, and it is summer, I have the freedom to nap if I need to.
• Loosey-Goosey 
• In line with sleep problems is the fact that my joints are incredibly loose.  When you get pregnant, your body makes a hormone that is appropriately called "relaxin".  This hormone helps the joints in your pelvis loosen to prepare you for both the growing baby and for delivery.  Here is the issue though: if you are rather flexible to begin with, you are going to become really flexible when you are pregnant.  This does not happen to everyone, but for me, it is affecting my knees and, to a certain extent, my hips.  What I have figured out is that when I sleep (which, of course, is only on one side or the other at this point), I am putting downwards pressure on the sides of my knees.  It is throwing my kneecaps (the patellas) out of alignment and it downright hurts.  So, despite the fact that, as I said above, it is summer, and I could "sleep in" until 10 if I wanted to, my legs are positively screaming by 7ish in the morning.  The only way I have found to alleviate it is getting up.  As soon as my legs are straight, the pain disappears.  Well ain't that fabulous?  The other issue I have found with this looseness is that I can very quickly overstretch my muscles.  If I am laying in bed and stretch my legs by pointing my toes down, I get an instant charlie horse.  A few days ago, I was stretching out my inner thighs by lifting one leg up in the air, and I completely pulled my groin muscles.  Take note, those of you who are into yoga and the like: it is very very very easy to overstretch in this state.  And, bonus, you do not heal as fast when you are pregnant!  Which I suppose deserves its own category...
• The Magical Power of Super Slow Healing
• Babies suck the life out of you.  It is a fact.  It is somewhat of a relief to know that no matter what happens to me, the baby has first priority as far as health, growth, and nutrition go...   yet, it would be really nice for that cat scratch I got 4 months ago to heal.  Really.  It is pretty incredible, but the baby really does get everything first, and the mom gets whatever is left over.  Yet whenever you get a scratch, it will stick around forever.  Heaven forbid you bump into a table and get a bruise - not only will it be wildly disproportionate to the severity of the bump, but it will be there for twice as long at least.  About 4 months into my pregnancy, I accidentally dropped a carpet sample and it scraped down the back of my calf.  It barely hurt at the time, but it left a bruise about 5 inches long and 2 inches wide.  It took about 4 weeks to go away.  Ridiculous!  Now, this is due, in part, to the fact that my iron is always a little on the low side, but sheesh.
• Update:  I would like to say on a positive note that I have actually not gotten sick with a cold whatsoever during my pregnancy, despite the fact that a pregnant women's immune system becomes suppressed so that her body does not attack the baby.  Speaking to other moms, they have reported healing somewhat faster due to increased blood flow to all areas.  So, this could just be me.  I bruise easily, I scar easily, and I stay that way.  In fact, this past week, I managed to give myself charlie horses in BOTH calves, and BOTH are still hurting me and likely will be for a few weeks.  
• Pigment Changes
• Here is where we get a little TMI...  but not only have I had changes in the moles/freckles on my body, but anywhere that pigment is predominant.  My hair has gotten darker (I have been asked a few times if I dyed it).  My eyes are greener.  And....  (TMI) my nipples have turned brown!  This only happened maybe a month or so ago, but...  WHAT?!  Also, body, if you have time to make pigments, why in the world do you not have time to do things like heal my scratches?!  I guess if you try reading online, you will find stuff that tells you you might get stretch marks, you might get this thing called a linea negra which is a dark pigmented line that runs from your belly button to your pubic bone as your belly skin expands, but no one mentioned that my nipples would turn brown.  Considering that I am very white to begin with, it was just a little surprising. 
• Update:  Um...  hey there linea negra!  Okay, so I have a very very faint dark line, no biggie, but it just popped up recently, along with more tiny stretch marks.  They are all pretty low, thank goodness, but I am really slathering on the shea/cocca/stretch mark creme these days.
• Pregnancy Glow?  Try Pregnancy Acne
• Again, this does not happen to everyone, and I historically have had hormone-related acne issues, but GEEZ, 31-yr-olds are not supposed to have "bacne".  I regularly treat my face with Retin-A, which is a complete God-send to those of us with adult acne issues, but Retin-A is a no-no during pregnancy.  In fact, nearly all acne medications go right out of the window as soon as you see that little + on the pee stick.  My skin, which was looking pretty good, suddenly went right back to where I was years ago.  Awesome.  Yes, I am willing to do it for my baby's health, and 9-10 months + breastfeeding time is not a terrible sacrifice when you consider what some of those medications could do to a growing fetus/newborn.  However, I could really do without the bacne.  In fact, that was the first thing that happened - I started breaking out on my shoulders.  My shoulders and back were the one place that I rarely had any acne to begin with and tank tops are a daily wardrobe staple, no matter the season.  So there I was in December, looking at my bespeckled shoulders like, WTF?!  Now, some women do not have this (cough) luxury during pregnancy.  Some really DO get the "pregnancy glow".  In fact, some people have told me from time to time that I am glowing.  It is not a glow.  It is oil from over-active sebaceous glands.  Thanks though for trying to make me feel better about that. 
• Hot, Heat, Sweat, Sweet
• Bonus points if you recognize the musical that comes from.  Anyway, through my pregnancy, people have told me that I was going to be miserable in the summer.  I have heard plenty of times that pregnant women are hot.  Naively, I thought that maybe I would make it through.  I like the heat.  Typically, I am wearing jeans up until July, and even then, it takes a sunny day over 83 degrees to get me to even consider shorts.   However, I have found myself walking out of the house in a skirt and short-sleeve shirt thinking about what a lovely day it was, to get in the car and see the temperature gauge read 59 degrees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yeah.  Your fetus is literally about 10 degrees warmer than you are, and heats you accordingly.  As a result, we have had to put our AC on much earlier than usual and turn it down to about 66 at night if I have even a prayer of sleeping.  Even then, it helps me to have a fan blowing on me and I still crook my leg out from under the sheets.  Meanwhile, my husband is wrapped up like a burrito and trying not to breath too much cold dry air lest he gets a bloody nose.  Speaking of which...
• The Blood!  The Blood!
• Again, I cannot emphasize enough that these things do not happen to everyone, but they are happening to me.  I have awesome sinuses.  I rarely get sinus infections.  I do not really have any allergies.  I have a super-sonic high-pitched sneeze.  Life is good.  Or, it was.  Since I have gotten pregnant, my snot is nearly always bloody, as is my spit after I brush my teeth.  During pregnancy, your blood vessels expand as your blood volume increases by as much as 50% to accommodate the parasite in your womb...  I mean, darling baby.  As a result, I have gotten my FIRST bloody nose EVER.  Pregnancy gingivitis is also quite common, so if you did not floss before, I suggest you start.  My dental hygienist actually recommended I floss twice a day and really get up in there.  So it is like, not only can you be prone to bleeding in those sensitive tissues like your gums and sinuses, but as I said earlier you heal slower.  Great combination body, good work.
• Everything Gets Bigger
• Not only do your blood vessels get bigger, but everything does.  Your hips widen to prepare for birth.  A lot of people gain weight all over.  And if that is not happening to you, karma makes up for it in other ways!  For me, my ribcage has expanded, and I am now creeping into a D-cup.  Here is a tip - get bra extenders.  They are like an inch and a half of extra hooks for the back of your bra.  LIFESAVER!!!  I do not mind a little boob-spillage here and there, but tightness around my ribcage I cannot stand.  Technically my 35-Cs are probably now more like 38-Ds, but I refuse to buy bras because I know it is temporary.  Plus, when my milk actually comes in (which, apparently, is like rapid expansion right around birth), I am expecting another cup-size or two.  Yippee!  I am sure Es are just gonna look amazing on my little 5 ft 4 frame.  I will be lucky if I can stand up without toppling over.  :/  It is not only your hips, bust, and ribcage that will get bigger.  Again...  TMI...  but things are going to get bigger down there.  Oh, that is right folks...  your labia get bigger!  And, as I recently found out, they might never go back!  I have a feeling that after this is all said and done, I will have to graduate to "big girl undies" and that the Pink line by Victoria's Secret are not going to be, uh, wide enough to contain my secret. Eek.  Now you may be wondering just how I found this out, which brings me to the next point...
• Necessity of a Willing Partner
• I am absolutely and completely blessed by God with a fantastic husband.  He is always willing to jump in on the front lines with a razor when I need help.  I would say the majority of females out there in America probably trim their bikini line, if not their entire pubic area.  But guess what folks?  I have not been about to SEE down there no matter how I twist and turn and lift since about 24ish weeks.  I think that was the last time where I could maneuver myself enough to feel comfortable I was not going to cut anything off with my razor.   I let it go for awhile, but I have hands, I can feel, and I knew things were getting a bit jungle-y down there.  Cue amazing husband.  Not only does he rub my legs when they hurt, get me food when I need a snack, encourage me to nap when I am tired, move junk around the house when I cannot do it, and put up with my occasional mental breakdowns, but he is also willing to get eye-level with that which I cannot see and make it look better!  And this was how I found out that things were getting bigger down there, too.  His comment was something like, "Yeah...  things are definitely, uh....  different."  So could I do this myself?  I suppose with a certain amount of rigging and mirrors, yes, I could do the landscaping...  but it is so nice to have a loving and supportive partner.  I truly feel for you ladies out there who do not have a partner (guy or girl) to help you and be there for you.  I am not a weak person in the least, but I think this is why families and communities are so important.  Could I do this on my own?  Yes.  Would I ever want to?  No way!  My husband and I have always had an incredibly open relationship, but pregnancy has put it on a new level. 
• Oh, So That Is What Those Are!
•  I had no idea that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions...  or that I have been having them for quite some time.  When you read online, everyone describes Braxton Hicks as a tightening of the abdominal area and the cervix.  They are also described as "essentially painless" and mostly just "uncomfortable".  Really?  Why do mine feel like a knife in the vagina then?  The way I found out was that I was having a non-stress test and the woman doing the test was like, "Um, you know you are having contractions, right?"  To which I said, "Yes"...  and continued in my mind to say, "It is hard to not realize the stabby pain!"  For some women, apparently, they just hurt.  For me, they seem to be brought on by a few things...  dehydration, too much activity, and orgasms.  That is right, orgasms.  And this brings me back to having a loving a supportive partner who told me that not having sex is okay because it is an investment in our future, and he just wants me to be comfortable.  What a sweetheart!  The thing is, they don't tell you that you may very well WANT to have sex.  However, for me, any time that we do results in two-ish days of Braxton Hicks, and it is sort of hard to go for it when I know that is the consequence.  Oh, and don't worry, I repeated my experiment twice, and I have confirmed the results.  However, here I am, and I still have two-ish months of pregnancy.  I have no idea what it means that I have Braxton Hicks so often except that perhaps it is also because my kiddo is sitting on sensitive things on there.  
• Amendment:  So, I have learned more about these BH things, and I have realized that my stabby pain is actually something else.  The BH contractions are actually like a spreading tightening of my abdomen.  Sometimes I feel almost like they are blossoming out, starting down low and going through my whole tummy until it is tight as a drum.  It does not hurt, and most of the time, I do not even notice it.  HOWEVER, sometimes this causes the little dude to butt his head down against my cervix, causing the stabby pain, which is more a nerve thing than a muscle thing.  Yes, he should be doing this, because it helps thin the membranes and whatnot, but ouch!  Then as far as sex goes, and why it causes him to do that a LOT afterwards...  no idea.  I suppose he is just trying to push back or something?  In good news, we have found a bit of a work-around for *that* issue...  :)
• "DiabetUS" 
• I have gestational diabetes.  Yes, me, who got pregnant at 30 years old.  Me, who was (and pretty much always has been) in a normal weight range for her height.  Me, who for the year prior to pregnancy, followed a gluten-free and dairy-free diet.  Me, who loves fresh fruits and raw veggies.  Me, who rarely eats red meat.  Yes, I have gestational diabetes.  All that being said, there is no way to prevent it from happening.  If you are overweight, if you already have type II diabetes, yes, it is kind of your fault.  For me, it is literally a genetic predisposition for insulin resistance.  As the placenta grows, it pumps out hormones that cause the mom's body to become resistant to insulin.  This is an insidious way for the baby to get big and fat.  Basically, insulin does not cross the placenta, but sugar does.  So here is how it works...  I eat a big bowl of ice cream.  My body starts producing insulin to absorb the sugar into my body (turning glucose to glucagon and storing it for whenever I need energy again).  It runs into a problem though - hormones are making my insulin not work as well as it usually does, so I have extra sugar running around my bloodstream.  Where is it going to go?  Into the baby!  Baby gets slammed with sugar and he produces his own insulin, thereby absorbing the sugars into his body.  The result?  Fat baby.  At this point, they are already estimating that I will have a 9+ lb baby.  BRING IT ON!  I am not too scared of that, but if he gets too big, they might have to cut him out with a C-section, which I really really do not want to do.  So how do I "fix it"?  Well, it means meticulously watching what I eat and testing my blood sugar 4x a day.  I eat 3 meals (breakfast and lunch have approximately 30 g of carbs, which is like two slices of bread, dinner can have 30 to 60 g), and I have 3 snacks (each having about 15 g of carbs).  No sweet stuff.  No cookies, no ice cream, no cake.  It is okay to take a bite, but it is best to avoid it altogether.  Same with bananas, pineapples, and fruit juice.  As I monitor my blood sugar, I am finding that chinese food also seems to make my blood sugar soar for whatever reason, so I have to be extra careful there as well.  So far, I have been lucky, and it really has not been too bad.  It also has helped me regulate my weight gain.  However, when I read about pregnancy, I almost always skipped the GD stuff because I thought it would never happen to me.  Even my doctors were like, Eh, don't sweat it, you probably don't have it.  Til I did.  And I definitely do.  However, in 2 months, when this little guy pops out, I am totally celebrating with a ginormous bowl of ice cream.  GD goes away pretty much as soon as the placenta does, but it is also a warning...  I am much more likely to get type II diabetes later in life.  That means from here on out being very aware of my diet (gone are the days of toast for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch, and a box of mac and cheese for dinner!), and I also need to take working out more seriously.   
• Update:  Well, as the placenta gets bigger, it is true, the diabetes is getting worse and more frustrating.  Even though I have not really changed my diet, my blood sugars are now up and I am spilling ketones.  I spoke to the diabetes educator about it, and she told me that really, as long as my blood sugars are below 140 and my fasting is under 95, that *that* was fine.  I was originally told under 120 an hour after I ate.  So I am not sure what the real truth was, and she was really surprised to hear that they gave me those numbers.  Since I am spilling ketones, it essentially means I am not eating enough, which is why perhaps my weight has stayed relatively steady.  She suggested drinking milk or having a snack in the middle of the night when I get up to pee.  Bleh.  Just what I want to do, actually truly get up, go downstairs, fix a snack, then go back to bed.  I guess I will do what I have to do.
• Ain't That Swell
• Along with GD comes a condition called "polyhydramnios".  That is a fancy way to say excess amniotic fluid.  This means not only is my belly bigger than it perhaps would be, but it means he has extra room to move around.  I am pretty sure he has a future in MMA.  :/  It is incredible how strong he is for being probably only about 5 lbs.  Excess amniotic fluid may mean going into labor early for me (which would not shock me), and, the worst part, may cause umbilical cord prolapse.  Basically the doc said my water might "whoosh!" out, sucking the cord with it, which is big problem.  However, there really is literally nothing I can do about this.  This condition also can cause swelling in the lower extremities.  The doctors gave me a bit of a scare last week.  My right leg has been hurting (I might have pulled it since apparently I can overstretch my muscles on a whim now), but then it got noticeably swollen.  So....  they had me go for a stat ultrasound of my leg to check for blood clots!  Awesome!  Just what I need to worry about!  They did not see anything, but if it does not go away in the next few days, they will be sending me back for another.  Fantastic.  
• Swell update:  Well, my right leg still seems to be the one that likes to swell.  One of the L&D nurses who does my non-stress tests told me that sometimes that just happens in one leg, and if it is one leg, it is often the right due to the flow and circulation of fluids around the body.  Him often sitting on my right side does not help.  What can I do about it?  Keep drinking, elevate it when it becomes noticeable, and learn to love my one "cankle".  I am poofy though through both of my legs, it is just way more obvious in the right.  Ugh.
• Celebrate Every Poop
• Constipation is mentioned when you get pregnant...  but you have no idea.  I have IBS, so I am used to the opposite problem.  I have to say though, for the past few months, pooping hockey pucks is sort of the norm, if I can poop at all.  And seriously, I don't think anyone talks about this BECAUSE it is poop, and everyone is embarrassed by their own bodily functions.  But here is the straight talk - pooping is really difficult.  During pregnancy, your digestive system slows down so that it can extract every darn bit of nutrition out of what you are eating and give it to the kiddo.  This slowing means that your waste is staying in your body longer and more water is also being extracted from it...  hence the hockey pucks.  Not only that, but a lot of times prenatal vitamins have extra iron in it, and if you are like me, your doc also wants you to take iron supplements for the invariable bleeding during birth.  And now your poop is not like a hockey puck, but like a freaking lump of coal.  A BIG lump of coal.  I will spare you the story of the day I was so constipated and uncomfortable I made Jon call my doctor...  but if you know me, you can ask, and I will gladly share.  But what to do about this?  Your doctor will probably tell you more water, more fiber...  but you will likely need more.  They might tell you to take colace (its a salt pill, which helps you retain more water, but it did little for me).  Finally though, my one doctor recommended Miralax.  It takes like pool water, so add in a squirt of lemon or lime to your water...  but it works.  And you know what?  Celebrate.  Every day I poop is like AHHHHH THANK YOU!  And I tell my husband with a big smile on my face.  Yup, pregnancy can really bring you closer together.  Another tip:  get a poop stool.  As my hubby was reading Husband-Coached Childbirth (a Bradley Method book...  which is, by the way, kinda crazy hippydippy, but has some valuable stuff in it), he learned about how squatting is a much more natural position for both poop and childbirth - not sitting.  So get a little foot stool and when you gotta go, put it under your feet to get more into a squat position.  It works.  I know it is crazy, but it really really helps.  Poop stools are awesome.
• p.s. hemorrhoids.  

I realize this is an extraordinarily long post.  And I do not want anyone to be scared off of pregnancy.  I actually have had an incredibly easy one, despite the downward turn in the past few weeks as I am nearing the end.  The truth is, you have no idea how your body is going to handle pregnancy.  I have friends who threw up every day for months.  I didn't.  I had friends who gained a ton of weight, and some who did not.  I had friends who had emergency C-sections, and some who gave birth (accidentally and on purpose) at home.  I had friends see midwives and some see doctors.  I had friends who breast-fed and some who did not.  If there is one thing I have learned, it is that you have absolutely no freaking clue what is going to happen to you once that embryo is formed.

I do believe though that whatever your personality is before is going to be enhanced or amplified via the surging hormones of pregnancy.  Paranoid?  You are going to be paranoid x100.  Relaxed?  You will probably handle pregnancy with grace.  Have mental breakdowns once in awhile?  They will probably get more frequent and more irrational.  Crazy dreams?  Welcome to REALLY crazy dreams.  But you know what, it is 40 weeks...  9 or 10 months of your life that you are a little whacked out in order to give someone else a chance to live.  And that is not such a big thing to ask of you.  You can do it.  Just take deep breaths and know that you are not alone.  If billions of women can give birth, so can you.  It might be more or less easy for you, and you might have complications and hard things to go through, but its a small span of time to be able to give the gift of life to another soul.   Be your own advocate.  Ask questions.  Lean on the mothers in your life, be they your relatives or girlfriends.  They know.

A (guy) friend of mine told me that pregnant women are smug.  I think there is truth to that.  There is this crazy indescribable thing going on in a pregnant women that she has every right to be smug about because she has to put up with a LOT of bs and changes to her body.  Smugness is totally allowed when your body is being taken over by a foreign invader. 

And I think we are done here...  for now.  :)