Sleep When He Sleeps, Enjoy Every Moment, and other annoying advice
Tuck is 6 weeks old on Monday.
Time really has gone by quickly, and I am glad my "post-partum period" is over. I have not yet fully recovered, however, so that is a bit frustrating. On the whole, the things that are lingering are... lingering. I felt like most of the major pain was gone within a week - that part was fast. The mental game is the longer one, and I still have a ways to go there.
Sleep deprivation is very difficult. And yes, there are times where I just break down and cry. I know "it will pass". I know "things will get better". I know I am "just tired". Hearing those things does not help. A good cry does, and just because I am crying does not mean I am going to die or throw him out the window. It just means I have a lot inside of me that I need to get out, and the sun will shine again.
Last night was one such occassion.
My son is great about knowing day from night, and I am thankful for that. When it gets into the later afternoon, he starts cluster feeding to store up for the evening. Most nights we usually get at least ONE 4 hour stint, which is great for a 6 week old! However, he is a freaking pig and the cluster feeding is really rough on me physically and emotionally due to all the hormones coursing through my body. Yesterday, he more or less ate from about 3 til 9:30 with half hour breaks in between... except that he fed from 7:30 to 9:30 more or less straight with 5 to 10 minute mini breaks.
I had to call my husband upstairs because by 9:30, I was bawling. He asked me what was wrong and I said, as calmly as I could muster, "I just need a break!". He swooped up our son and got him ready for bed. I curled up into a ball and cried for a few minutes, and then I was better. In fact, I had to feed him again at 10. But then he was good til 1:30, and then 4ish, and then 7. I can deal with that.
The thing is, so many people pretend like parenthood is this blissful experience where you are totally smooshy gooshy flowering over your adorable little infant. And yes, there are times when my eyes tear up looking at his cute pudgy cheeks and my heart fluttering when he gets a big gassy smile on his face. However, most of the time, you are so concerned with whether he is hungry/warm/cold/gassy/sleepy/comfortable that you do not have time to be all gossamer butterflies!
Telling me to sleep when he sleeps is a joke... most of the day he has cat naps... and if he sleeps more than 10 minutes and I can put him down, I got stuff to do! Laundry, dishes, my GRAD COURSE! Ugh. Enjoy every moment? Sorry, I do not enjoy when he is gassy and screaming bloody murder. I don't enjoy when he is cluster feeding and it feels like my nipples are going to fall off. I don't enjoy when I get poop under my finger nails, or when I wake up at 4am, or when I am trying to pump milk at 5 am (like this morning).
Yes, in an ideal world, I could enjoy every moment, and I would have a wet nurse to take care of him in the middle of the night so I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a clip. But I don't. So spare me your helpful tips!
I love my son fiercely, and I am in love with him, and there are parts I enjoy. But cut me some slack, and don't look at me like I am crazy or a bad mom when I admit the truth - it is hard to take care of an infant and hard to breastfeed and hard to be home 24/7 and hard to do it during the day when my husband is not home. I do the best I can. And I know there are greener pastures and that it will get better, but allow me to cry a bit now and be hormonal now. I think I earned it.
Time really has gone by quickly, and I am glad my "post-partum period" is over. I have not yet fully recovered, however, so that is a bit frustrating. On the whole, the things that are lingering are... lingering. I felt like most of the major pain was gone within a week - that part was fast. The mental game is the longer one, and I still have a ways to go there.
Sleep deprivation is very difficult. And yes, there are times where I just break down and cry. I know "it will pass". I know "things will get better". I know I am "just tired". Hearing those things does not help. A good cry does, and just because I am crying does not mean I am going to die or throw him out the window. It just means I have a lot inside of me that I need to get out, and the sun will shine again.
Last night was one such occassion.
My son is great about knowing day from night, and I am thankful for that. When it gets into the later afternoon, he starts cluster feeding to store up for the evening. Most nights we usually get at least ONE 4 hour stint, which is great for a 6 week old! However, he is a freaking pig and the cluster feeding is really rough on me physically and emotionally due to all the hormones coursing through my body. Yesterday, he more or less ate from about 3 til 9:30 with half hour breaks in between... except that he fed from 7:30 to 9:30 more or less straight with 5 to 10 minute mini breaks.
I had to call my husband upstairs because by 9:30, I was bawling. He asked me what was wrong and I said, as calmly as I could muster, "I just need a break!". He swooped up our son and got him ready for bed. I curled up into a ball and cried for a few minutes, and then I was better. In fact, I had to feed him again at 10. But then he was good til 1:30, and then 4ish, and then 7. I can deal with that.
The thing is, so many people pretend like parenthood is this blissful experience where you are totally smooshy gooshy flowering over your adorable little infant. And yes, there are times when my eyes tear up looking at his cute pudgy cheeks and my heart fluttering when he gets a big gassy smile on his face. However, most of the time, you are so concerned with whether he is hungry/warm/cold/gassy/sleepy/comfortable that you do not have time to be all gossamer butterflies!
Telling me to sleep when he sleeps is a joke... most of the day he has cat naps... and if he sleeps more than 10 minutes and I can put him down, I got stuff to do! Laundry, dishes, my GRAD COURSE! Ugh. Enjoy every moment? Sorry, I do not enjoy when he is gassy and screaming bloody murder. I don't enjoy when he is cluster feeding and it feels like my nipples are going to fall off. I don't enjoy when I get poop under my finger nails, or when I wake up at 4am, or when I am trying to pump milk at 5 am (like this morning).
Yes, in an ideal world, I could enjoy every moment, and I would have a wet nurse to take care of him in the middle of the night so I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a clip. But I don't. So spare me your helpful tips!
I love my son fiercely, and I am in love with him, and there are parts I enjoy. But cut me some slack, and don't look at me like I am crazy or a bad mom when I admit the truth - it is hard to take care of an infant and hard to breastfeed and hard to be home 24/7 and hard to do it during the day when my husband is not home. I do the best I can. And I know there are greener pastures and that it will get better, but allow me to cry a bit now and be hormonal now. I think I earned it.
posted by FireWithin at 3:52 PM
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