Tough stuff

So, Tuck is approaching his due date of August tenth.  That means Tuck is two weeks and two days old today.  It is hard to believe that we already have two weeks under our belt...  He looks different practically every day!  Every day is different too.  I never really know what to expect from him, or from myself, so that has been challenging.

I have to confess, and I hope this does not sound totally self-absorbed, that I am naturally good at a lot of stuff.  Yeah...  That does sound like I think I am awesome, but it really is not like that.  Things come easily to me.  If I try something new, I can usually figure it out pretty quickly.  Sure, there are things I suck at (sports, knitting, remembering names), but if it is something I really want to do and want to be good at, I can usually pull it off.

This has been a source of annoyance to my family and certainly friends on occasion.  It is like having some sort of charmed life.

To be honest, I attribute it more to attitude than to enhanced skill or ability.  I feel good about the things I pursue, and that makes them easier.  I feel confident about myself too, so I think that also makes things easier.

But now I have been slammed with something that I couldn't be prepared for, is really scary, and that I have no confidence in myself to be good at: parenthood.  The result?  Crying daily, being worried that I am starting bad habits for my tiny boy, not getting enough sleep, and doubting myself constantly.  It is not easy.  It is not coming naturally.  It is making me unsure of myself in ways I never imagined.

But, I am getting there.

Cognitively, I know that I am still recovering.  A full day of natural labor is nothing to sniff at, and here I am two weeks later...  I cannot be back to myself yet, and I cannot expect that.  I know that my hormones are freaking insane.  I am bouncing back from all of the hormones of birth, the ones that make my milk come in, the huge doses of oxytocin that prevent me from eating my screaming baby...  Of course that's going to make me insane.  Of course I am going to cry every day.    My mind knows all this, and it knows it will get better, but that does not really help me feel better now.

Jon went back to work yesterday and it was my first day alone with Tucker.  It was miserable in the morning.  He was gassy, and I could not fix it.  He spent a lot of the morning screaming.  Then Lily joined the act...  Looking at me mournfully and meowing.  It put me over the edge.  I just started crying.

The afternoon was better, he finally slept.  Last night was better too because we moved him out of our room and into his bedroom and crib.  He is quite seriously the loudest sleeper ever.  Grunting, moaning, squeaking...  All very cute in the day.  Not so cute at night.

There are silver linings and shining moments.  He has a cherubic face.  His smiles light up his face, even though he has no control over them.  When he hears my voice, he knows it is me.  Those things help ease the doubt of the daily grind.

No, I am not good at this, I am not natural at this, I am not sure I have maternal instincts.  This is not easy, and I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with the decisions I make for him...  But that is the same for everyone, right?  I love him.  I love my husband.  I love the family we have created.  We will keep moving forward and there will be good days and bad days and all sorts of days in between.  Plenty of women have walked in my shoes before, and they did it, so chances are I can too.