so I think

So I think I am leaving my job. I thought a lot about life and things over the weekend while I was sick... talked to my mom for a good two hours... and when it comes down to it, I am not happy there. I am finding little to no joy in teaching the kids, even though I love them to bits. Even when I am teaching something I love (genetics) to them and actually caught there attention.... at the end of the day, im still miserable. And I dont think its me being unsatisfied with how well i am teaching them... partially unsatisfied with their response.... but mostly unsatisfied with the structure I have been given to teach within.

Its been a long road to this point, and I am miserable over it. Ive spent so many hours crying and talking and debating and going back and forth... and here I am. My mom made some very valid points during our discussion, and what she said made a lot of sense to me....

1. obviously I am unhappy there. everything I say confirms that
2. im sick, I havent been sick in a few years, which shows im way too stressed out
3. I am crying over school almost once a week
4. there are other great opportunities to learn and figure out where I want to work
5. I have the freedom to do what I want

No. 5 is a pretty big sticking point.... she made a lot of sense when she explained to me that I will never in my life really have an opportunity to kick back without obligation. Here is a time in my life where I can do what I want, go where I want, without too many ramifications. Sure, I have bills. But I have a wonderful job at the hospital to cover those. I can substitute one or two days a week, work at the hospital.... and go home at night NOT thinking about my kids, NOT thinking about grading, NOT thinking about 3 different quizzes I need to make up and 50 papers I need to read. Three subjects.... its so much more work than you would ever think... esp when you care.... esp when you want to give them everything youve got. But it tears me up too.... Why couldnt they have just let me teach bio? I dont think they understand how insane it is to make up so many different worksheets and papers and ideas and notes and tests and quizzes and midterms..... crap. I have to write 3 midterms. :(

So here I am.... what will I do with my time? What is my plan?

I would like to sub one or two days a week... work at the hospital enough to pay my bills / save money / have health insurence. I would like to start working out... either start taking karate at pinnacle, or just workingo ut in general..... I would like to sing more.... either voice lessons or just getting involved somewhere. So thats what I would like to do.... I would like to start saving money to move to Florida. yes, move to florida. I dont know if it will actually happen or not... but at least I have to kinda plan if I might actually want to do that within the 06 year.

sigh. prayers are appreciated while I am making this decision. the hardest part is not feeling like a wuss or a failure... and not feeling like I am abandoning them. just pray for me.