working for the first time in a week

Naturally I am at work while writing this. I have spent an entire week catching up on sleep and getting odds and ends done... Ive also seen my friends more than I have in awhile, spent hours reading for fun (The Vampire Chronicles, if you must know), and trying to take things as they come.

Today is difficult... I woke up feeling sad, mostly due to bad dreams & hormones. I absolutely hate being hormonal... I feel like ick right now, eating macaroni and cheese from the hospital caf was a bad idea... plus im still sad. The thing that really kills me is that I know its just hormonal. I know it will pass. I know that I will feel better in a few days... but it frustrates me to no end that I cant control this... and it makes me want to cry more! And here I am at work, which I usually enjoy, but tonight... What I want to do is snuggle and watch tv for like 3 or 4 hours... maybe a movie sandwiched by some bad sitcoms... have my hair played with so I can relax... maybe some crying for no reason... and then to fall asleep. And thats not even remotely going to happen.


I am also feeling extremely overwhelmed about moving. I am really scared of it today, and the fear is outweighing the excitement of a "new life". Theres a lot of stuff to think about...
1. I have to get hours at the hospital bc I need the money. I spent 1000 bucks this week in bills. Bills!!!! So I need to pick up hours but....
2. the more I work, the less time I have to....
a. find an apt in orlando
b. find a job in orlando
c. visit orlando to solidify these things
3. and I need to do those things!
4. how am I going to deal with leaving my life?


Its just a blah day where everything in my mind is getting jumbled up and it seems complicated when its probably not. Devo's "Whip It" just came on my ipod... not even that is getting me in a better mood! I had a really productive week... and I started Myst 5, which is amazing and puzzling and I love it... but now, at the end of the week, im just really..... yar.


I read an article in the newspaper today about china... they were talking about a trip over there, and one person was writing about her experience teaching english to 3 and 4 yr olds in china for 5 months. sometimes, instead of all this moving stuff, I want to do something like that. Cuz yeah, it would be crazy, but i know it would just be 5 months, and I could come back and my family and friends would still be here... it wouldnt be this indefinite See ya who knows when? I am really trying to look on the bright side... there are plenty of fun things about moving to Florida... Ethan, of course... and getting a new job (I like learning new stuff).... having my own place again (which would be fantastic)... striking out on my own....

But right now its just SO daunting and so scary... I dont think I remember how to make friends. I was never very good at it unless I was just in a situation where you naturally thrown together with people and you have to make friends (like school). I do have plans for down there.... I want to join a gym, I have missed working out.... hopefully bible study again, cuz I know I will miss that.... and something else... im not sure what else... maybe singing? Maybe dancing? I dont know, something for me, something ive wanted to do for a long time. I could take yoga with aunt terry. :) Maybe getting back into theatre? I dont know. I need to make my own little island of "life" down there, even if I dont plan to stay there, and I hope it happens sooner rather than later.

I think im rambling, for which I apologize, but its just another proof that my brain is completely addled today, and im frustrated and sad.... and AHH now there are bagpipes on my ipod. who knew that was there? ugh.


at least the thought of Kathy imitating bagpipes made me grin.