I drive myself insane

I dont know what to say. I drive myself insane. I really do. Between wanting what I can't have and realizing past truths that somehow got lost in translation. And the question I have is Why? I mean, really, why?

Is it "good" for me to be hurting?

Is it "good" for me to question everything? For me to question myself?




Is it a "good" thing to feel alone, to never be sure where it is appropriate to turn, and in the end to just keep it in?

Is it "good" to feel like the majority of the people that I love dearly are not interested in having me as a big part of their lives?



I mean, what happened here? Did someone pin a "kick her while she is down" sign to my back? Or maybe it was a little bulls-eye with the words "stab here, twist at will".



I do not think it is terrible to learn. I dont consider it awful when you have a "growth spurt", as I seem to be invariably having and which I cant seem to stop. But how long does it go own? This summer, without a doubt, has been pretty awful. The three bright spots I can think of were going to China, getting a job, and Project. And even all of those, every single one, is tinged with hurt and painful memories!

I am not a glass half empty sort of person, I know I am not. But maybe I am learning that I was too glass half full. The hopes that I have, or had, never seem to work out, and then I feel foolish and hurt. It almost feels like the death of my childhood.

I remember in 7th grade, we had to make a coat of arms. My latin phrase was Teneo abel ace spes. I dont know if its spelled right and im sure its not in the right order grammatically... but roughly it means Hold on to hope. And its something I have always thought of, and always tried to do. I dont even know why, I just did.

And here I am now, feeling like that was stupid. And it makes me so angry!!! It makes me so incredibly angry to feel like I shouldnt be hoping for things. It makes me so angry that I assumed certain things, or over-estimated things. But I dont know how to not do it. I really dont know how to stop hoping, and maybe its just because I have been doing for so long. But I dont know how to just let things go and accept that people are who they are, and I am who I am, and what will be will be. I dont ever hope to change people, and I knwo I cant change their hearts. But its so hard to not hope for a brighter future.


At the same time, its so painful to do that, and I wonder if it will get to the point that the tides will turn and I wont be able to hope for anything.



And so I write it here, I dont even know why. I guess because I feel like theres no one I can actually sit down and have a conversation with about this. Either its inappropriate to do so or they just wont understand. Part of the problem with growing is that in ways you suddenly end up ahead of the people around you and then you are alone. Could I talk to people about this? Sure. Would I feel better? Probably not. I want genuine understanding, and without that, its just not going to be any help.

And all the people that I have gone to for that understanding... well, I just cant open up to them, because it means being vulnerable in a way that is too close for them. And frankly, its too close for me too, because I know that they dont want that... and when I open up to someone, I start hoping all over again, and then im crushed more.

All of my best friends cant be as close to me as I need them to be right now, and it just sucks. Its really hard. And I dont know what to do except keep it in as best as possible and hope it goes away soon.