things that are sadly beautiful
I think this is probably a post that I will have to update a few times before I get a comprehensive list... but sometimes things just strike me... and they make me so sad. Its not a bad sad, but a beautiful sad... like the simplicity strikes me, or the emotion behind something. I dont think im doing a very good job of explaining this feeling. Maybe you will understand once you read the list..
1. they way that my mom tries to make my birthday special makes my heart ache. usually my birthday is a lonely thing... but the fact that she loves me so much that she makes sure to buy a cheesy balloon and a small ice cream cake just hits home, so much so that its difficult not to cry around her on my birthday. its just so beautiful, a mothers love for her child, even when her child is no longer a child
2. similar to my birthday is the way that my mom puts up holiday decorations. they were never really for her, but for my brother and i. this year, the lone halloween decoration was a ghost and pumpkin longenberger basked liner on the kitchen table. how tragic. in years past, my brother and I would revel in halloween decorations, placing a 5 ft paper skeleton on the inside of the front door that made us bolt up the stairs at night with the creepy feeling of being followed by it. But that my mother still decorates... it makes me long for childhood.
3. the lone tomato in the fridge that has been there for two weeks. you know, a lot of these do have to do with my mother. maybe its just cuz in growing up and getting closer to the age where I will have my own children, im starting to understand a mothers love a bit better. anyway, the tomato almost makes me weep... every time my mom goes food shopping, she gets some sort of perishable item (several usually) and they go bad, and then she yells at us for not eating it... simply put, we cant keep up with the influx of fruit and veggies.... but she still buys some every week. And every week something different goes bad. this week its the tomato... the next week yogurt... the week after that strawberries... and then some green beans. we try to keep up, we do... but we never manage. but she still does it cuz she wants us to never want, she wants us to be healthy and to eat right, even though she would never eat any of the food I just mentioned. its just beautiful.
4. it makes me really sad sometimes to see older people food shopping by themselves. I wonder if I will be like that some day. given my genes, im probably going to live to 100. both grandparents on my moms side are close to 90. my grandparents on my dads side, 1 died at 65 from lung cancer, the other in her 80s from emphysema. since I dont smoke or drink, im probably going to live forever. But anyway, I think of these older people, tottering along so slow, pushing a kart that is only holding a small carton of milk and a 6 pack of eggs and a bit of bread... and I wonder, are they really alone? if I were 80, I would want my husband to come with me on such excursions, if only for company, or someone to hold the milk. and it makes me sad because sometimes you can just feel that a person is alone... and I never want to be that way, and I want to reach out and hold them, and keep them safe and make them know they are loved.
5. children who do drugs/drink/smoke/have sex make me miserable. how is that childhood? okay so this isnt one of those beautiful sad things.... this is something truly awful. it amazes me that girls get their period when they are 8 or 9 now. can you imagine? you arent a woman then! maybe this is too much info, but I got mine at 14... I guess ive always been a late bloomer, most of my friends were are 12 or 13... but 8?! 9?! when you think about that... and then think about kids that age having sex, being pregnant at 12 or 13... little children who get drunk, who screw up their bodies, who have such messed up lives that they would rather spend those years in oblivion than actually experiencing their youth... it kills me. I remember when I was about 10, I had gone with my brother and my dad out for a motorcycle... and there was this kid, must have been about 12, riding his bicycle around, smoking a cigarette. I watched him for awhlie, and he finally went away.... and I started bawling. at age 10, i knew that kid was screwing up his body... and its not like my parents told me never to drink or smoke.... I mean, my dads an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about a year and a half now) and hes smoked all of his life..... no one ever said it was bad.... but at 10 years old, I cried for that kid who was not much older than me. And I guess ive always felt the same. ive never gotten over it.
I have run out of time to write... but I think these are the main things... why I type them out, I dont know. does it matter if you read them? does it change anything? do you understand? I dont know. I guess I just like getting it out, cuz sometimes when I do, it hurts a little less.
1. they way that my mom tries to make my birthday special makes my heart ache. usually my birthday is a lonely thing... but the fact that she loves me so much that she makes sure to buy a cheesy balloon and a small ice cream cake just hits home, so much so that its difficult not to cry around her on my birthday. its just so beautiful, a mothers love for her child, even when her child is no longer a child
2. similar to my birthday is the way that my mom puts up holiday decorations. they were never really for her, but for my brother and i. this year, the lone halloween decoration was a ghost and pumpkin longenberger basked liner on the kitchen table. how tragic. in years past, my brother and I would revel in halloween decorations, placing a 5 ft paper skeleton on the inside of the front door that made us bolt up the stairs at night with the creepy feeling of being followed by it. But that my mother still decorates... it makes me long for childhood.
3. the lone tomato in the fridge that has been there for two weeks. you know, a lot of these do have to do with my mother. maybe its just cuz in growing up and getting closer to the age where I will have my own children, im starting to understand a mothers love a bit better. anyway, the tomato almost makes me weep... every time my mom goes food shopping, she gets some sort of perishable item (several usually) and they go bad, and then she yells at us for not eating it... simply put, we cant keep up with the influx of fruit and veggies.... but she still buys some every week. And every week something different goes bad. this week its the tomato... the next week yogurt... the week after that strawberries... and then some green beans. we try to keep up, we do... but we never manage. but she still does it cuz she wants us to never want, she wants us to be healthy and to eat right, even though she would never eat any of the food I just mentioned. its just beautiful.
4. it makes me really sad sometimes to see older people food shopping by themselves. I wonder if I will be like that some day. given my genes, im probably going to live to 100. both grandparents on my moms side are close to 90. my grandparents on my dads side, 1 died at 65 from lung cancer, the other in her 80s from emphysema. since I dont smoke or drink, im probably going to live forever. But anyway, I think of these older people, tottering along so slow, pushing a kart that is only holding a small carton of milk and a 6 pack of eggs and a bit of bread... and I wonder, are they really alone? if I were 80, I would want my husband to come with me on such excursions, if only for company, or someone to hold the milk. and it makes me sad because sometimes you can just feel that a person is alone... and I never want to be that way, and I want to reach out and hold them, and keep them safe and make them know they are loved.
5. children who do drugs/drink/smoke/have sex make me miserable. how is that childhood? okay so this isnt one of those beautiful sad things.... this is something truly awful. it amazes me that girls get their period when they are 8 or 9 now. can you imagine? you arent a woman then! maybe this is too much info, but I got mine at 14... I guess ive always been a late bloomer, most of my friends were are 12 or 13... but 8?! 9?! when you think about that... and then think about kids that age having sex, being pregnant at 12 or 13... little children who get drunk, who screw up their bodies, who have such messed up lives that they would rather spend those years in oblivion than actually experiencing their youth... it kills me. I remember when I was about 10, I had gone with my brother and my dad out for a motorcycle... and there was this kid, must have been about 12, riding his bicycle around, smoking a cigarette. I watched him for awhlie, and he finally went away.... and I started bawling. at age 10, i knew that kid was screwing up his body... and its not like my parents told me never to drink or smoke.... I mean, my dads an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about a year and a half now) and hes smoked all of his life..... no one ever said it was bad.... but at 10 years old, I cried for that kid who was not much older than me. And I guess ive always felt the same. ive never gotten over it.
I have run out of time to write... but I think these are the main things... why I type them out, I dont know. does it matter if you read them? does it change anything? do you understand? I dont know. I guess I just like getting it out, cuz sometimes when I do, it hurts a little less.
posted by FireWithin at 10:36 PM
1 Comments:
A friend of mine is a nursing major here. She is doing clinicals right now and said she saw a 12 year old at the hospital who was having her second child - the first was at 10.
Is there anything more detestable than that? :( Grr!
Anyway, that's kind of off topic...but kind of on. I wuv woo.
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