they forgot to tell me this part
I feel like crap.
Utter, total poop.
And although the doctors forgot to mention this part, I was lucky enough to read it online... apparently your first two periods after you have a laparoscopy are pretty awful.
Now, I tried to think positively and all....
But I would agree, this has been close to how it was about a year and a half ago, right before I went into the hospital.
That being said, I am GLAD that I read it online, because although I suppose there was a chance for a self-fulfilling prophesy, it has calmed me slightly to realize that this, too, shall pass. It is a byproduct of having surgery, and it will go away, it is just going to suck. A lot.
Now the real unfortunate part is that like all of my periods, they have a pattern - really bad in the morning and night, sufferable in the afternoon. Well, I was supposed to be picked up at 12:30 (which still counts as morning in my book) to drive 6 hours to Warren, PA, to proctor PSSA testing tomorrow and Tuesday.
Mark showed up at 12:30 as promised... and here I am, completely red and sniffly from crying for the past hour and a half. I had calmed down a bit before he showed up, but as soon as he did, everything came flooding back, I could barely talk. It just totally sucks because the last thing I want my job to think is that I am a slacker or that I am trying to get out of my duties. I know its a HUGE pain for someone to take my place.... but the thought of 6 hours in the car sounds like torture to me.
And I feel incredibly guilty. I have this stupid sense of responsibility that often outweighs my sense of self-preservation.
So he said don't worry about it, stay home, take care of myself... and I feel even MORE guilty because he is being so nice about it... plus I know that tomorrow, although I still still feel like crap, I will be able to manage it with whopping doses of advil and starvation. But perhaps I will be farmed out to a more local PSSA testing site and help them out instead. I have to call my "boss" and ask him.
I think the hardest thing is that I have this overwhelming fear that people are not going to believe me.
This morning, I woke up at 8:19 to find out it was really 9:19 and I was going to be late meeting Megan for church. I called her and told her as much... I knew last night that I shouldve just skipped church today, I had a feeling.... but I thought no, I can make it. I spent most of church breathing slowly and trying not to pass out. I ran out of there and came home.... I started crying in the car and I mostly didnt stop.
Jon met me at my house. He was going to come to church, but he forgot about daylight savings time also... so he just came to see me off... and he was really nice.... I took a shower while he started packing my things to go away. I think he felt rather helpless... but there really is nothing anyone can do. I need to be distracted, and thats the best thing for me. It reminds me of what Paige said about giving birth... that the pain was so much less when she was walking around actually DOING something... and I agree. I kept telling him the best thing was just for him to BE there....
Before he left, I asked him if he believed me. He said of course. Then I told him that I felt like he never really believed me before that it was this bad. I don't know whether he did or not....
And thats the thing I worry about with work. If you have not experienced the way I feel, how can you know? How can you trust that someone is accurately portraying their feelings? Because of course there ARE people out there who WOULD take advantage.... And it scares me that someone would think that of me... that I am just acting or something.
As I have said before, it is almost like with migraines... if you have never had one, you do not understand... you can relate so much as a headache, but not really anything more.
And I wonder, now, if it is like that with feelings in general. You can only understand someone loves you as much as you have the ability to love. If you have never been in love before, and someone says that they love you.... how much can you really understand it? Like how there is no way that I can really understand parental love... I know my parents love me, but do I know what that fierce parent-child love is like??? No. Not until I have my own.
I guess really the more you know, the more you learn and grow and experience things... the greater capacity you have to really understand the people around you.
I have always said if I were ever a doctor, I would be a gynocologist. :P
Anyway, I am home for today and I guess the next few days... the only happy thing about it right now is that it means I will not get my period when I am in Florida, which is a blessing. And I also got to attend church this morning... hopefully Megan will be able to start coming regularly too. :)
Utter, total poop.
And although the doctors forgot to mention this part, I was lucky enough to read it online... apparently your first two periods after you have a laparoscopy are pretty awful.
Now, I tried to think positively and all....
But I would agree, this has been close to how it was about a year and a half ago, right before I went into the hospital.
That being said, I am GLAD that I read it online, because although I suppose there was a chance for a self-fulfilling prophesy, it has calmed me slightly to realize that this, too, shall pass. It is a byproduct of having surgery, and it will go away, it is just going to suck. A lot.
Now the real unfortunate part is that like all of my periods, they have a pattern - really bad in the morning and night, sufferable in the afternoon. Well, I was supposed to be picked up at 12:30 (which still counts as morning in my book) to drive 6 hours to Warren, PA, to proctor PSSA testing tomorrow and Tuesday.
Mark showed up at 12:30 as promised... and here I am, completely red and sniffly from crying for the past hour and a half. I had calmed down a bit before he showed up, but as soon as he did, everything came flooding back, I could barely talk. It just totally sucks because the last thing I want my job to think is that I am a slacker or that I am trying to get out of my duties. I know its a HUGE pain for someone to take my place.... but the thought of 6 hours in the car sounds like torture to me.
And I feel incredibly guilty. I have this stupid sense of responsibility that often outweighs my sense of self-preservation.
So he said don't worry about it, stay home, take care of myself... and I feel even MORE guilty because he is being so nice about it... plus I know that tomorrow, although I still still feel like crap, I will be able to manage it with whopping doses of advil and starvation. But perhaps I will be farmed out to a more local PSSA testing site and help them out instead. I have to call my "boss" and ask him.
I think the hardest thing is that I have this overwhelming fear that people are not going to believe me.
This morning, I woke up at 8:19 to find out it was really 9:19 and I was going to be late meeting Megan for church. I called her and told her as much... I knew last night that I shouldve just skipped church today, I had a feeling.... but I thought no, I can make it. I spent most of church breathing slowly and trying not to pass out. I ran out of there and came home.... I started crying in the car and I mostly didnt stop.
Jon met me at my house. He was going to come to church, but he forgot about daylight savings time also... so he just came to see me off... and he was really nice.... I took a shower while he started packing my things to go away. I think he felt rather helpless... but there really is nothing anyone can do. I need to be distracted, and thats the best thing for me. It reminds me of what Paige said about giving birth... that the pain was so much less when she was walking around actually DOING something... and I agree. I kept telling him the best thing was just for him to BE there....
Before he left, I asked him if he believed me. He said of course. Then I told him that I felt like he never really believed me before that it was this bad. I don't know whether he did or not....
And thats the thing I worry about with work. If you have not experienced the way I feel, how can you know? How can you trust that someone is accurately portraying their feelings? Because of course there ARE people out there who WOULD take advantage.... And it scares me that someone would think that of me... that I am just acting or something.
As I have said before, it is almost like with migraines... if you have never had one, you do not understand... you can relate so much as a headache, but not really anything more.
And I wonder, now, if it is like that with feelings in general. You can only understand someone loves you as much as you have the ability to love. If you have never been in love before, and someone says that they love you.... how much can you really understand it? Like how there is no way that I can really understand parental love... I know my parents love me, but do I know what that fierce parent-child love is like??? No. Not until I have my own.
I guess really the more you know, the more you learn and grow and experience things... the greater capacity you have to really understand the people around you.
I have always said if I were ever a doctor, I would be a gynocologist. :P
Anyway, I am home for today and I guess the next few days... the only happy thing about it right now is that it means I will not get my period when I am in Florida, which is a blessing. And I also got to attend church this morning... hopefully Megan will be able to start coming regularly too. :)
posted by FireWithin at 1:20 PM
2 Comments:
You ask: "How can you trust that someone is accurately portraying their feelings?"
How do I know I can trust you? I don't. That's what trust is.
I know, I know... and I do trust and have plenty of faith. Actually I rarely doubt people, though I would not say I am gullible. I often assume everyone thinks the same way I do. :P
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