down the road and back again

It is probably rather fitting that I have not found time to write in my blog in weeks. It is not that nothing has been happening... actually, too much has been happening, and I find it hard to write publicly when I am feeling a lack of confidence in myself.

So what has been going on?

1) School has been frustrating, at best, because truthfully I am a bit bored, and i am not sure what to do with myself

2) Grad school has been extremely draining and going to class 3 x a week is more draining than I thought it would be

3) Hormones. Yup.

4) Jon was away for a few weeks

5) I do not sleep enough

6) Rehearsals

7) Other stuff



And truthfully, its been the other stuff that has been the most consuming and scary. You know the feeling when your mind is racing and you just can't make it stop? I have had that. And then you know when your mind does stop because you became numb to all the stimulation but your body is then so tense it is a wonder you can move or function? It has been like that too.

And it has been lonely.



The worst part of it all was the fear that I would screw up everything.

We are supposed to learn from the past and learn from our mistakes, that is why history is so important. Yet I have not been able to learn from it - until now.

And the past was so perilously close to repeating, it makes me sick of myself to think of it.



The reason it was so lonely was that I was too scared I would fail to reach out for the support of those around me. Because then, if I had failed, I would have not only let myself down, but everyone else would see my fall. And then they would judge me and write me off and all number of other things I do not like to think of.


It has been a rough few weeks for me.





But here I am.



It rained this morning. As I have said before, rain nearly always reflects my emotions, and it can go one of two ways... it is either rain of torment, or cleansing rain.

It rained this morning, and I felt like I was washed clean.




That is not to say that I am not still scared... God knows I am.

Yet I feel like I can see the end of this tunnel. I do not know what it will be like, but it will be in the light.