Nan

My grandmother, Nan, passed away yesterday, August 2nd. My grandfather, Bud, passed away on Sept 17th of 2009. Sometimes I wonder how long I would last if Jon were to die. I guess it would depend on my age. Bud was 92. Nan just turned 89 last month. Still, when you spend a lifetime together, having been married for almost 70 years, even if you end up detesting the person, I think you still cannot really live without them. What is life when you are suddenly alone? I am not sure.

In the past few months, Nan had been living with my Aunt in Orlando. They also had taken in my Uncle's father, Bill, who passed away about a month ago. Tis the season? Nan had been doing horribly when she was alone in the condo after Bud died, and bringing her to Orlando was a huge undertaking for my Aunt. She is amazing. Since spring, Nan has gotten better and better. She was taken off hospice (usually hospice means you are on your way out) and in the past few weeks, weaned off of all of her medications. She was actually happier, more aware, and actually funny, particularly lately. And end of life rally? Who knows. Regardless, with how "well" she was doing, her death has come as a shock to most of the family.

She woke up around 2:30 in the morning on Monday and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she told the nurse she was not feeling well. She laid down, went into a coughing fit, passed out, and started arrhythmia. The nurse tried to revive her, but to no avail. My Aunt was there when she died. She died in my Aunt & Uncle's brand new bedroom, which they willingly gave up when Nan moved in. How do you reclaim the space? How do you sleep there knowing that your own Mom spent her last breath there? I am not sure they will.

The family had various reactions. I slept poorly nearly all morning, having very bizarre dreams and waking up every half hour. My mom said she was cold nearly all day, a rarity for her in hot-flash mode. My other Aunt had been fortunate enough to stop by the previous evening out of coincidence. My mom had bought Nan a wallet on Sat, passed it on to my aunt, and even though she was tired from her flight on Sunday, she stopped in to pass along the wallet. When my mom picked up her cell phone at 3:30 am, the first thing she saw was a picture text of my Aunt, Nan, and the new wallet. My other Aunt, who had Nan living there, was to leave Monday for San Francisco. Things have a way of falling into order. Is there coincidence at all?

Nan was pretty cool. Having raised 8 kids on Bud's income, she was frugal, but in her later years, delighted in being able to afford things for other people. She was a caregiver in the true sense of the word - rehabilitating my uncle after he became paralyzed, seeing to an uncle in law for months while he recovered from 3rd degree burns over most of his body. She was remarkably calm and accepting for such an old school catholic who beat her kids with spoons when they were misbehaving. She received the news of my uncle's divorce (then remarry then divorce then remarry), my new uncle in law having previously unknown kids pop up, my gay cousin, my lesbian cousin, potential adoptions, surgeries, engagements, babies, foreclosures... you name it, and she just absorbed it all. If she judged us, she kept that to herself. She still loved us.

One thing I will always remember about Nan was that she was the only adult figure in my life who consistently fed Chris and I a well-rounded meal. Every night there was meat, a veg, some fruit, some starch, and dessert. We always left the house full.... and wondering why we did not eat that stuff at home. :) If not for Nan, we might not have known that we even liked fruit and veggies.

I will remember her parakeets and playing yahtzee. I will remember the house in Stone Harbor and playing (and cheating!) at cards. I will remember sitting on the porch watching the dolphins. I will remember walks on the beach and shelling at dawn.

I think my most cherished memory of Nan was the day after I got a very scary phone call in the middle of the night from someone I did not know. My mom had not heard what had happened to me, so she thought nothing was amiss. Nan called her and asked if I was okay, that she was concerned about me. My mom told her everything was good (as far as she knew). Nan told her to tell me that I "am never alone and always loved". Later, once I got ahold of my mom and told her what happened with the phone call, she relayed what had happened with Nan. How did Nan know? I am not sure, but she did. And she knew just what to say.

It is true, I am never alone, even moreso now with both Nan and Bud as angels watching over me. I think when you get to Heaven, all is forgiven, all is understood. Though sometimes Nan and Bud had resentments towards each other for this and that (their generation did not express their feelings like ours does), I think they understand each other completely now and are square dancing with God.

I try to tell my mom that life is short, just a blink compared with eternity. We should cherish it, sure, but I really believe that we are reunited with those we love, and we get to spend forever with them in perfect understanding and perfect harmony. It is only through death that we really are able to grasp the wonder that is life. If we had no comparison, we would not be able to enjoy it nearly as much.

Of course we miss Nan and Bud, and we will til we see them again. But they are waiting, and smiling, and loving us constantly - of this I am assured.