when things arent what they are supposed to be
I guess only God knows what is supposed to be and what isnt. But so often times you know something is wrong and it feels like life shouldnt be what it is... and you feel like you arent living, that you are completely stagnant, that everyone else around you is going ahead and making progress and you are treading water in the deep end. If you do that long enough you get tired. I should know.
So how do you get out? Can you really? Plenty of people would say that you need to "take charge" of your life and "make changes". Some people would just suggest that happiness and contentment are a state of mind... and if you change your view of life, you will be happier. Expect less and your expectations will be met. It seems a pessimistic way of thinking about things to me.
But really, can you make changes in your life for the better? Well, sure, i think you can. You can stop smoking. You can start eating right and exercising. You can pick up a hobby or do something you know you enjoy. You can take a break and go on vacation. But what about changes to who you are inside? To the relationships you have with people? To be honest, im not sure... I am not sure whether thats a change or just time coupled with growth. i dont know if you can consciously change who you are deep down... you could start with surface changes... for example, if you are extremely racist, and decide you dont wanna be, you could start by keeping your mouth shut when something racist wants to come out of it.... but its only over time that the external change will have an internal effect... if at all! And even then, it might be something happens to make you see things differently... or you just grow up and see that you were stupid!
So I am not completely convinced that you can actively change things... change over a long period of time is possible, im sure, but its cuz you grow up... things can never be instantly better when you are talking in terms of who you are and your relationship to someone else. Its too complex I guess.
I just feel so tired.
What IS worth "fighting for"? What, in the end, is worth the pain? The bible says to expect pursecution and pain... its part of life and love... and I agree... but is there a line to be drawn? I cant claim to know the ultimate purpose of life... and I know a few people who think that they DO know... But I personally I am not sure... It could be to love though. To just love and experience life, to not think about it, to be true to yourself and who you are at your core and to help others be happy and be more themselves. I am sure its part of it.
Which brings me (somehow) to another thought... life is so incredibly ironic. Those who practice witchcraft use the rule of threes... do something and it will return to you threefold. How true! Things come back to bite you in the butt for some reason. If you treat someone a particular way, invariably you also will be treated that way eventually. And I feel like I am getting that now.
I had hope and faith... I really did... but I questioned, I always questioned, because I had never come up against something like this. And I didnt mean it to be invalidating, or for it to be... um... I dont know, to make it seem like I didnt have faith or I didnt believe... I just needed to know for real. And I didnt... and I was scared, but mostly because I didnt trust myself...
And its funny... when you dont trust yourself, when you dont have faith in yourself, you never can believe anyone else... because you think, How can they know me like they do and love me? But duh, of course, that is why love is blind and why love probably has a huge part to do in the purpose and intent of life... love transcends self-loathing... its often the absence of self. And I hate thinking about myself, I really do... and I dont know why everyone encourages it. I REALLY hate that... "well, think about what YOU want, whats best for YOU"... who CARES?! I dont, I really dont. I hate when people say that because love isnt about doing whats best for you... and YES, I totally understand that you need to love yourself and understand yourself and you cant love others if you cant love yourself and all of that stuff... but in the end, you gotta do whats best for someone else, i think... that sometimes means doing whats best for you, too... and oftentimes it means not doing what you "want".
sigh... I dont know, I feel like im rambling, not that I had a particular goal for this post... im just really hurting right now and a few people tell me often that I keep things in way too much and I dont reach out enough... and I guess this is reaching out in the broadest sense, since I have no idea who actually reads this and how manyo f those people actually care. One extreme to the other I guess. But the nice thing, and the easy thing, and the chicken thing about blogging about stuff is that its impersonal, and its still not REALLY reaching out, its still kind of keeping it in, cuz if no one ever talks to you about it, the oh well, they didnt read it or they read it and dont care. So you still get to keep it inside... but writing is good, I think... writing helps me sort things out and just get it out of my head into a more organized fashion. When I get like this, I have so many thoughts racing around inside my head its like utter cacophony and I cant make sense of any of it.
What I do know, after all of this, is that I need some rest, and I need some hugs. But im at work. So naturally thats not going to happen. I am always at work when stuff is going down and I would rather be at home. I dont know if thats just God taking me out of situations so that I dont cry for several hours at a time like last night. I dont know. Sorry if this was confusing... though I guess I dont have to apologize... lets just say this is a lot more cohesive than it is in my head, so you can just imagine what its like in there right now.
So how do you get out? Can you really? Plenty of people would say that you need to "take charge" of your life and "make changes". Some people would just suggest that happiness and contentment are a state of mind... and if you change your view of life, you will be happier. Expect less and your expectations will be met. It seems a pessimistic way of thinking about things to me.
But really, can you make changes in your life for the better? Well, sure, i think you can. You can stop smoking. You can start eating right and exercising. You can pick up a hobby or do something you know you enjoy. You can take a break and go on vacation. But what about changes to who you are inside? To the relationships you have with people? To be honest, im not sure... I am not sure whether thats a change or just time coupled with growth. i dont know if you can consciously change who you are deep down... you could start with surface changes... for example, if you are extremely racist, and decide you dont wanna be, you could start by keeping your mouth shut when something racist wants to come out of it.... but its only over time that the external change will have an internal effect... if at all! And even then, it might be something happens to make you see things differently... or you just grow up and see that you were stupid!
So I am not completely convinced that you can actively change things... change over a long period of time is possible, im sure, but its cuz you grow up... things can never be instantly better when you are talking in terms of who you are and your relationship to someone else. Its too complex I guess.
I just feel so tired.
What IS worth "fighting for"? What, in the end, is worth the pain? The bible says to expect pursecution and pain... its part of life and love... and I agree... but is there a line to be drawn? I cant claim to know the ultimate purpose of life... and I know a few people who think that they DO know... But I personally I am not sure... It could be to love though. To just love and experience life, to not think about it, to be true to yourself and who you are at your core and to help others be happy and be more themselves. I am sure its part of it.
Which brings me (somehow) to another thought... life is so incredibly ironic. Those who practice witchcraft use the rule of threes... do something and it will return to you threefold. How true! Things come back to bite you in the butt for some reason. If you treat someone a particular way, invariably you also will be treated that way eventually. And I feel like I am getting that now.
I had hope and faith... I really did... but I questioned, I always questioned, because I had never come up against something like this. And I didnt mean it to be invalidating, or for it to be... um... I dont know, to make it seem like I didnt have faith or I didnt believe... I just needed to know for real. And I didnt... and I was scared, but mostly because I didnt trust myself...
And its funny... when you dont trust yourself, when you dont have faith in yourself, you never can believe anyone else... because you think, How can they know me like they do and love me? But duh, of course, that is why love is blind and why love probably has a huge part to do in the purpose and intent of life... love transcends self-loathing... its often the absence of self. And I hate thinking about myself, I really do... and I dont know why everyone encourages it. I REALLY hate that... "well, think about what YOU want, whats best for YOU"... who CARES?! I dont, I really dont. I hate when people say that because love isnt about doing whats best for you... and YES, I totally understand that you need to love yourself and understand yourself and you cant love others if you cant love yourself and all of that stuff... but in the end, you gotta do whats best for someone else, i think... that sometimes means doing whats best for you, too... and oftentimes it means not doing what you "want".
sigh... I dont know, I feel like im rambling, not that I had a particular goal for this post... im just really hurting right now and a few people tell me often that I keep things in way too much and I dont reach out enough... and I guess this is reaching out in the broadest sense, since I have no idea who actually reads this and how manyo f those people actually care. One extreme to the other I guess. But the nice thing, and the easy thing, and the chicken thing about blogging about stuff is that its impersonal, and its still not REALLY reaching out, its still kind of keeping it in, cuz if no one ever talks to you about it, the oh well, they didnt read it or they read it and dont care. So you still get to keep it inside... but writing is good, I think... writing helps me sort things out and just get it out of my head into a more organized fashion. When I get like this, I have so many thoughts racing around inside my head its like utter cacophony and I cant make sense of any of it.
What I do know, after all of this, is that I need some rest, and I need some hugs. But im at work. So naturally thats not going to happen. I am always at work when stuff is going down and I would rather be at home. I dont know if thats just God taking me out of situations so that I dont cry for several hours at a time like last night. I dont know. Sorry if this was confusing... though I guess I dont have to apologize... lets just say this is a lot more cohesive than it is in my head, so you can just imagine what its like in there right now.
posted by FireWithin at 4:11 PM
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