What gives?
Very clearly, something needs to change.
I have definitely felt this way before in stressful times, particularly when it comes to big decisions. The last time I felt this way was definitely before I quit my first teaching job halfway through the year. It was a gut-wrenching decision to leave those kids in the middle of the year, but once I did it, I felt instant relief. That makes me think I should just do it.
What is it?
Well, I really must figure out what to do about my secondary job.
It is a point of pride for me that I have been working at the hospital for 7 years. I am especially proud of being a med tech, of passing my boards, of doing work that is underappreciated but crucial nontheless. On top of it, I actually like working here. I like the people. I like hematology. I like knowing what the numbers mean. I like being the one people go to for medical advice, even if they really should not be coming to me at all!!! I like having my fingers in this pie (even if it sounds dirty) because it is a VERY lucrative job, especially on the weekends.
But I am so stressed out.
I feel like the time has come to examine the possibilities and figure out how to optimize my enjoyment out of life. Right now, and for the past few months, it has not been all that enjoyable. I think it is a combination of three things: school, hospital, & endometriosis.
I cannot really control school. It is what it is. I have too many students, and that probably will not change. I have a new course to write in the spring, and that will not change. I have professional development to do, self-improvement to do, and am constantly evaluated. I have the Keystone exams looming over my shoulder in the Spring, which (at this point) about half of my students will fail. There is little I can do to change those things except to keep working, keep juggling the load, and keep pressing forward as best I can.
I cannot control the endometriosis. It is painful. It causes me stress daily. In the previous post, I wrote about trying a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. I am. And that is about all I can do to try to manage the endo. So I am going to do that, but it requires that I spend time being very considerate of my diet and prepare my own food. I can do this. But I need some time.
So we come to the hospital... At the hospital, I bring home an extra $10,000 every year after taxes. It is a sweet deal. But when I have a work weekend coming up, I dread it. I hate the time away from doing things I actually want to do, and I have to ask myself: is it really worth it?
This is the crossroads I am at: do I stay or do I go? What reprocussions will it have?
I know that there are a lot of different scenarios, so bear (bare?) with me as I flesh them out...
1. Nothing changes
- If nothing changes, then I will still feel the same unless I can change something else. I already got rid of singing this past semester, which is practically like telling my cat sorry, you cannot drink out of the faucet anymore. It makes her relatively unhappy and I have missed singing certainly. The bonus side ot nothing changes is that I still continue to make mucho dinero. For the past year, I have saved every penny from this job and it is paying for our trip to Australia. So yeah. If nothing changes, its nice in that respect because we will go on our trip and then probably get preggers and buy a car when we get home because we CAN afford it.
2. I quit the hospital
- Since I am going to be buying and making more specialized food, we will be spending a bit more there. J & I have discussed what this means for our family monetarily, and it means considering a true budget. We have lived quite comfortably so far without much regard to spending. Fortunately, we are totally cheap and do not often go crazy. It has been lovely though to go out to an expensive dinner with friends, or a weekend away, and not stress over it. We think though that this will still be possible so long as we are looking at our daily spending. Doing some carpooling to work, making sure that we are PACKING our lunches daily, without fail. I think we can do this. In the long run, we DO need to get moving on a family and we WILL need a new car.
- There are some other things to consider here. The main one being that my school currently owes me one whopper of a bonus for the past 2 years of working there. If I can procure that bonus, then working at the hospital is not going to matter... that money will make up for it. But will I get it? Can I get it? Well, maybe. But that makes me feel better about quitting if I can get that money or will get it in the relative future.
- New jobs... I am crossing my fingers and trying to work an angle to get into a new school next year. No promises, but I really am perfect for it, so hopefully that will work out and I will be making enough to cover my loss at the hospital. J, in the meantime, is going to keep looking, hopefully with a little more vigor, since we have major plans for 2011 (Australia, car, baby). If we both got paid what we actually would get paid in a normal company, it would more than make up for this part time job.
3. Scenario 3 is a tricky one.... I always thought I would quit the hosiptal when we had a child. And no, we are not pregnant, so that means I have to wait maybe even another YEAR til that happens. But I have considered the possibility of taking a sabatical from school and being a stay at home mom and working at the hospital. It makes sense. I would work every other weekend and be home with *it* all week. And we could do it. We really could do it with J's job and my pay here... it would mean even MORE budgeting, but its truly a possibility. Yet when I consider that a) we are not going to even try to start a family til after Australia and b) I would be pregnant (hopefully) for quite a few months... this seems like a long shot. It almost seems worth it to quit now and then if we WANT to do something like this, to check back and see if there is a position open.
4. The other scenario is that I attempt to talk my way into making this even more part time. For almost 2 years I worked only on Sats. I might be able to talk my way into that kind of situation again, but I might not. I got a pretty huge guilt trip about my previous arrangement, even though other people also work JUST sats or JUST suns. I might have to find someone to take the Sundays if that is the case. The problem is that this is a gossip mill, just like any other company, so if I start poking around for someone to split the position with me, it will invariably get around to the supers. I could try to pre-empt that and talk with them first? But at this point, I am not even sure that is what I WANT. Do I really want to still give up my Sats? Is that even a compromise??? I am not sure it is.
In some ways, I almost feel greedy keeping this job. Despite the fact that I really enjoy working here, in the end, it is about the money. When I think about how this job makes me *feel*, it does not seem worth it. Why the stress? I know I have complained about it before, but not everyone always understands.
I feel like we do not have friends because every time someone wants to do something, we are busy, or we have to check our schedule to see if I am working.
Every *important* holiday, I work. This year, Christmas Eve and New Years Day.
I feel like my house is a mess. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen, but we rushed out leaving dirty pans in the sink. We are working on our toilets, so right now there is an old toilet seat sitting by the front door. EVERYTHING is dusty. In the basement, we have furniture to get rid of and laundry and Christmas stuff all over the place. In the upstairs bathroom, Jon has it half torn apart and there are tools all over. Pictures are sitting ont he ground everywhere waiting to be hung. The office has a year's worth of reciepts that need to be sorted and filed. And I feel like I only have 4 days a month to do this stuff. When I work, Jon relaxes... and seriously, I do not deny him that time, he needs downtime and friendtime just like I do. So when we have a "free" weekend, I get really anxious because theres so much stuff that I should be doing, that I cannot actually spend time with friends and family without thinking about it. It sucks.
I think back to when I was temporarily "fired" from the hospital. It was for 4 months: jan - april of 2009. It was glorious. I felt so pleased. I could get stuff done. We could see our friends. We could sing. We could go away places. I did not have to plan my entire social life around this stupid part time job. And maybe that is the biggest part of it... that every single extra-curricular plan seems to revolve around working at the hospital.
I also have to figure out what changed though. Yes, I was always annoyed that I had to work on the weekends and miss out on the "fun stuff". But for a long time, I only worked Sats. That was do-able. I believe it was when I got re-hired that April and had to work both Sat and Suns that this stopped being fun.
Ultimately though, I need a change, and leaving might be the change I need. When I look back on my life and my time (especially on my marriage to Jon when it was just US), I want to remember it as fun and healthy and full of friends and good memories. Right now, I do not have that. I have been sick due to stress, and isolated due to having little time to goof off.
So I guess it almost sounds like my decision is made.... I just wish someone out there could confirm that it is the right one and that ultimately that money will not matter and that we will still be able to have the flexibility the money this job brings.
Anyone? Anyone???
I have definitely felt this way before in stressful times, particularly when it comes to big decisions. The last time I felt this way was definitely before I quit my first teaching job halfway through the year. It was a gut-wrenching decision to leave those kids in the middle of the year, but once I did it, I felt instant relief. That makes me think I should just do it.
What is it?
Well, I really must figure out what to do about my secondary job.
It is a point of pride for me that I have been working at the hospital for 7 years. I am especially proud of being a med tech, of passing my boards, of doing work that is underappreciated but crucial nontheless. On top of it, I actually like working here. I like the people. I like hematology. I like knowing what the numbers mean. I like being the one people go to for medical advice, even if they really should not be coming to me at all!!! I like having my fingers in this pie (even if it sounds dirty) because it is a VERY lucrative job, especially on the weekends.
But I am so stressed out.
I feel like the time has come to examine the possibilities and figure out how to optimize my enjoyment out of life. Right now, and for the past few months, it has not been all that enjoyable. I think it is a combination of three things: school, hospital, & endometriosis.
I cannot really control school. It is what it is. I have too many students, and that probably will not change. I have a new course to write in the spring, and that will not change. I have professional development to do, self-improvement to do, and am constantly evaluated. I have the Keystone exams looming over my shoulder in the Spring, which (at this point) about half of my students will fail. There is little I can do to change those things except to keep working, keep juggling the load, and keep pressing forward as best I can.
I cannot control the endometriosis. It is painful. It causes me stress daily. In the previous post, I wrote about trying a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. I am. And that is about all I can do to try to manage the endo. So I am going to do that, but it requires that I spend time being very considerate of my diet and prepare my own food. I can do this. But I need some time.
So we come to the hospital... At the hospital, I bring home an extra $10,000 every year after taxes. It is a sweet deal. But when I have a work weekend coming up, I dread it. I hate the time away from doing things I actually want to do, and I have to ask myself: is it really worth it?
This is the crossroads I am at: do I stay or do I go? What reprocussions will it have?
I know that there are a lot of different scenarios, so bear (bare?) with me as I flesh them out...
1. Nothing changes
- If nothing changes, then I will still feel the same unless I can change something else. I already got rid of singing this past semester, which is practically like telling my cat sorry, you cannot drink out of the faucet anymore. It makes her relatively unhappy and I have missed singing certainly. The bonus side ot nothing changes is that I still continue to make mucho dinero. For the past year, I have saved every penny from this job and it is paying for our trip to Australia. So yeah. If nothing changes, its nice in that respect because we will go on our trip and then probably get preggers and buy a car when we get home because we CAN afford it.
2. I quit the hospital
- Since I am going to be buying and making more specialized food, we will be spending a bit more there. J & I have discussed what this means for our family monetarily, and it means considering a true budget. We have lived quite comfortably so far without much regard to spending. Fortunately, we are totally cheap and do not often go crazy. It has been lovely though to go out to an expensive dinner with friends, or a weekend away, and not stress over it. We think though that this will still be possible so long as we are looking at our daily spending. Doing some carpooling to work, making sure that we are PACKING our lunches daily, without fail. I think we can do this. In the long run, we DO need to get moving on a family and we WILL need a new car.
- There are some other things to consider here. The main one being that my school currently owes me one whopper of a bonus for the past 2 years of working there. If I can procure that bonus, then working at the hospital is not going to matter... that money will make up for it. But will I get it? Can I get it? Well, maybe. But that makes me feel better about quitting if I can get that money or will get it in the relative future.
- New jobs... I am crossing my fingers and trying to work an angle to get into a new school next year. No promises, but I really am perfect for it, so hopefully that will work out and I will be making enough to cover my loss at the hospital. J, in the meantime, is going to keep looking, hopefully with a little more vigor, since we have major plans for 2011 (Australia, car, baby). If we both got paid what we actually would get paid in a normal company, it would more than make up for this part time job.
3. Scenario 3 is a tricky one.... I always thought I would quit the hosiptal when we had a child. And no, we are not pregnant, so that means I have to wait maybe even another YEAR til that happens. But I have considered the possibility of taking a sabatical from school and being a stay at home mom and working at the hospital. It makes sense. I would work every other weekend and be home with *it* all week. And we could do it. We really could do it with J's job and my pay here... it would mean even MORE budgeting, but its truly a possibility. Yet when I consider that a) we are not going to even try to start a family til after Australia and b) I would be pregnant (hopefully) for quite a few months... this seems like a long shot. It almost seems worth it to quit now and then if we WANT to do something like this, to check back and see if there is a position open.
4. The other scenario is that I attempt to talk my way into making this even more part time. For almost 2 years I worked only on Sats. I might be able to talk my way into that kind of situation again, but I might not. I got a pretty huge guilt trip about my previous arrangement, even though other people also work JUST sats or JUST suns. I might have to find someone to take the Sundays if that is the case. The problem is that this is a gossip mill, just like any other company, so if I start poking around for someone to split the position with me, it will invariably get around to the supers. I could try to pre-empt that and talk with them first? But at this point, I am not even sure that is what I WANT. Do I really want to still give up my Sats? Is that even a compromise??? I am not sure it is.
In some ways, I almost feel greedy keeping this job. Despite the fact that I really enjoy working here, in the end, it is about the money. When I think about how this job makes me *feel*, it does not seem worth it. Why the stress? I know I have complained about it before, but not everyone always understands.
I feel like we do not have friends because every time someone wants to do something, we are busy, or we have to check our schedule to see if I am working.
Every *important* holiday, I work. This year, Christmas Eve and New Years Day.
I feel like my house is a mess. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen, but we rushed out leaving dirty pans in the sink. We are working on our toilets, so right now there is an old toilet seat sitting by the front door. EVERYTHING is dusty. In the basement, we have furniture to get rid of and laundry and Christmas stuff all over the place. In the upstairs bathroom, Jon has it half torn apart and there are tools all over. Pictures are sitting ont he ground everywhere waiting to be hung. The office has a year's worth of reciepts that need to be sorted and filed. And I feel like I only have 4 days a month to do this stuff. When I work, Jon relaxes... and seriously, I do not deny him that time, he needs downtime and friendtime just like I do. So when we have a "free" weekend, I get really anxious because theres so much stuff that I should be doing, that I cannot actually spend time with friends and family without thinking about it. It sucks.
I think back to when I was temporarily "fired" from the hospital. It was for 4 months: jan - april of 2009. It was glorious. I felt so pleased. I could get stuff done. We could see our friends. We could sing. We could go away places. I did not have to plan my entire social life around this stupid part time job. And maybe that is the biggest part of it... that every single extra-curricular plan seems to revolve around working at the hospital.
I also have to figure out what changed though. Yes, I was always annoyed that I had to work on the weekends and miss out on the "fun stuff". But for a long time, I only worked Sats. That was do-able. I believe it was when I got re-hired that April and had to work both Sat and Suns that this stopped being fun.
Ultimately though, I need a change, and leaving might be the change I need. When I look back on my life and my time (especially on my marriage to Jon when it was just US), I want to remember it as fun and healthy and full of friends and good memories. Right now, I do not have that. I have been sick due to stress, and isolated due to having little time to goof off.
So I guess it almost sounds like my decision is made.... I just wish someone out there could confirm that it is the right one and that ultimately that money will not matter and that we will still be able to have the flexibility the money this job brings.
Anyone? Anyone???
posted by FireWithin at 8:43 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home