candy

Jon and I were driving home from dinner tonight when he mentioned that in the candy our apartment complex gave us for a holiday gift, there were butterfinger "bells". He thought that they were chocolate bells, and was excited, until he realized that they were butterfingers. He hates chocolate and pb together. This resulted in me ranting about candy and I got into such a huff, I decided to be one of "those people" and blog my rant to the world.

First of all, butterfingers suck. They really do. The insides are barely peanut buttery. As I said to Jon, it is like 1 peanut per 5 lb bag of sugar. The taste is not really the problem though, it is the consistency!!!

The insides of a butterfinger is much like shale or mica. You know, the rocks. It is layered horizontally and the layers themselves break apart easily... until you CHEW THEM. When you bite down perpendicularly into a butterfinger, you are instantly compressing thousands of tiny layers of sugar and pb. The result is something that is so rock hard, you can break your fingernail trying to get it out of your teeth. GRR! We finally likened it to a jolly rancher getting stuck in your teeth. Nearly impossible to get out - you have to let it melt.

But here is the thing - butterfingers don't melt! THEY JUST STAY THERE UNTIL YOU CAN PICK IT OUT! Not only that, but you aren't supposed to chomp down on a jolly rancher. Usually it gets stuck because you have sucked it down to a thin layer and then absent-mindedly chewed it and accidentally got it stuck. No one ever sets out to get them stuck. Here is the problem with butterfingers - you are SUPPOSED to chew them! You cannot suck on it. Ever tried that? The result is NOT pleasant. (shudder)

So... butterfingers suck. They really do. And the thing is, every time I think it will be different. Every time, I try it again, thinking I can eat it without somehow getting it stuck in my teeth. and it is always the same. The horror is now knowing that these butterfinger bells are sitting on our coffee table and knowing that eventually, I will eat one. Stupid!



After ranting about butterfingers, we moved on to other candy that pisses me off.

There are several:

1) candy corn: It just tastes bad. No one ever craves candy corn. It is something you eat if you are in front of, and have to keep eating because of the awful aftertaste if you stop. For whatever ridiculous OCD tendencies than reside inside me, I only like the white tip of the candy corn. And it is not even like... more, tolerate. I like the texture of candy corn. I HATE the taste. I mean, ew. Whose idea was this anyway?

2) dots: Dots piss me off! Who superglues a piece of sugar to paper and offers it to kids? You can NEVER get the paper all the way off. Also... are they spray painted? There is a gradient. How do they do that?! But anyway, dots suck because they are so freakin tasty... except for the gooey paper bit. Maybe they need to start making that paper into some sort of compressed vegetable cellulose so that its actually beneficial for you to eat the paper. Another thing that makes me mad about Dots is that my mom would never let my brother and I have them. Why, you ask? BECAUSE OF THE PAPER!

3) caramel & butterscotch:

Okay, this was a long part of the discussion, and I will not go into it too much here, but I realized something...
I like caramel flavor. I like it in a hard candy (ala Werthers Originals). I dislike it as the center of a chocolate (semi soft), am okay with it in Snickers (soft), but do not really prefer it as a syrup (liquid). So basically caramel is okay when it is in a hard candy form.
I thought I hated butterscotch. Turns out, I don't. I hate butterscotch when it is HARD! I like it in pudding or as an ice cream. I love creme brulee. I even like butterscotch chips in cookies (softish). But I HATE butterscotch lollipops and find butterscotch lifesavers absolutely detestable.

Why?

No idea.

Remember that OCD I was referring to? Mhmm.

So... really, it appears that I mix texture and flavors together and certain flavors for me do not work with certain textures. Which, all makes my potato issue much clearer. I hate mashed. I like chips. Gravy thickened with potato-water is a-okay! Mashed / baked / scalloped / steak fries... ew. Flavor is not a problem, but texture is. That flavor, for me, goes better with hard and crunchy or just as a flavoring.



I think that is about it for now. I realize that this post is utterly irrelevant. I am sure you do not mind.


Merry Christmas!