Christmas Eve

Well here it is, Christmas Eve. The past 2 weeks have been interesting for me... Not only have I resigned from the hospital, but I also decided to embark on a gluten-free and (mostly) dairy-free diet. I also cu 7 inches off my hair and decided to divest my consciousness of as much stress as possible.

I am sure that it sounds like a mid-life crisis... but it isn't.

Essentially, I decided that I was way too stressed out for an almost-30-yr-old and that I was not enjoying life as much as I ought. I mean, I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a nice house, good friends, a stable income... there was no reason for me to be all Eeyore all the time, and that was what I was feeling like.

The resignation:
It went well. My boss was like yeah, that is cool, whatever. She was totally not shocked or upset or really showed any feeling at all besides telling me that sounded like a good idea given my situation. My co-workers here have been quite supportive, most of them saying things like, "You are too young to work so hard" and "If you do not HAVE to work, why would you?!"
Do I feel relief yet? Well, not quite. I do not think it will hit until later in January when I start having some free weekends. I am at work tonight. Then I have Sunday and New Years Day, then it is over. It is incredibly strange to think I will be gone from here because, in some ways, its been somewhat of a home to me. Working here is like forced "down time". I have singular focus here and it slows my mind down from thinking of the million things I need to do. In many ways, the straightforwardness of this job has been a little oasis for me. My task is simple: I get blood, I test it, I made slides, I read it, I result it. There is no need for me to organize my own time, I am not distracted by meetings or children, and I get a lot of time to sit in read. Not a bad thing. But as I lay in bed earlier today, I could not help but think how much I did not want to go on Christmas Eve and I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and cuddle and read.... soon, soon.

The diet:
As I have written before, I have been doing quite a bit of reading on endometriosis and my research has driven me to investigate nutrition as a treatment. So far, so good? I guess??? It is actually not *that hard* to give up gluten. But it means not really eating out and reading lots of labels. It also means doing your own baking and spending more money than you usually would on food.
Is it working? Heck if I know. I may NOT know until I get my period next time. I can say this -the transition has been interesting for my intestines. Not to get gross, but there is some strange stuff going on down there. Jon has been eating more gluten free stuff too, and it is doing the same stuff to him. Let's just say that we are really lucky that we can talk about poop together and are not afraid to fart in front of each other. I can't imagine a marriage working otherwise!
I guess the good thing about it is that if my next period is great, then I will know this is working for me and I should keep it up. And if it does not work, I can dive right back into a huge pile of bread, biscuits, cookies, and cheese. I think that if there is not some amazing transformation, I will probably continue on it and become even more militant about it and see what happens.
By the way, I am utterly convinced that there is NO good substitute for real cheese. I had thought that the gluten side of this would be difficult... I was wrong, it is the dairy. I am not a big milk drinker, so switching to almond has been easy. I got a box (shudder) of hemp milk to try out to see if that is any good. But the cheese... ohhhh the cheese.... I have been really good and not eaten any but HOLY GUACOMOLE do the cheese substitutes suck. I have only tried a few kinds (its expensive to keep trying new ones, gag on them, and throw the rest away). Quite seriously, even my CAT will not eat the fake cheese... and she eats stink bugs.
Tomorrow should be interesting. For Christmas we are having turkey and all of the trimmings. But as I mentally view the menu I think- no stuffing, no bread, no gravy, no cookies, no ice cream, no pie. :/
Basically they recommend a gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, and red meat free diet. So..... yeah. Again, it has not been tough except for that freaking dairy. And sugar. Who can really give up sugar? In good news though, I made gluten-free dairy-free chocolate chip cookies today, and they are good. Like, really good. But then again, theres 3/4 a cup of white sugar and 3/4 cup of brown sugar in it, how could it not be good? :)

The hair:
Awhile back I was used as a "model" for a salon education class on consultations. They were teaching their stylists how to meet new customers and talk to them about their hair. I think I presented quite a challenge for them when I went in and told them I had not gotten my hair cut in over a year, I do not own a blow dryer or a brush, I never use "product", and if I cannot walk out of the house with my hair wet and feel confident it will look acceptable later, it will not do. :) So I went for my haircut and she actually did a really nice job. She also gave me shampoo and conditioner that I really like AND gave me "product" I can actually use. And my hair smells good all freaking day. That actually reminds me of being younger. I always just used whatever shampoo was around. I had an affinity for Herbal Essences (when it first came out) but it made my skin break out so I had to stop using it. Anyway, my hair would smell great in the shower and then just smell like hair for the rest of the day. I was always jealous of girls who would walk by and you would get a whiff of their hair. Is that strange? But now that is ME and I thoroughly enjoy getting surprise little aromas from my hair. Stupid, probably, but it's the small pleasures in life...

Divesting:
I have a friend who stresses me out. And I can write about it because I know she does not read this blog. Even if I gave her the name of the blog, she would not read it, because she would feel it was an invasion of privacy, even if I told her she could and invited her to do it. If, some day, she DOES read this, then I would assume our friendship was in a position that this post would not matter anymore. Let's hope, because that is what I would really like.
Anyway, she is the cause of quite a bit of stress in my life. We were, in essence, best friends, even if she would not admit it. She is a difficult person to be friends with. She is very up and down with her emotions, incredibly private, stubborn, and in general likes to be ornery. But it was worth it to deal with that because she's actually quite passionate, intelligent, caring, loving, and sensitive, even though you had to crack her shell to see it. As I said, it was worth it to me, because she is a great person, and very different from a lot of people I know. In many ways, personally challenging, which can be good and bad, but mostly good.
But then something happened. And I am not really sure WHAT happened... but I think it was a combination of things. School started and was awful for us both. I could not be supportive of her because I was barely keeping myself afloat... she did not want to admit she was in a bad spot, so I did not know, having so much trouble myself. Nan died. My mind was consumed with school and supporting my mom and working at the hospital and trying to get everything done... I did not talk to anyone! It was misread as dislike. She was such a girl about it (you know what I mean), and I was probably "my father" and felt like it was making a mountain out of a molehill. Hormones were in play. Emotions were in play. I felt like if she were my close friend, she would try to support me. She probably felt like I should push everything aside and support her. Neither of us could.
And now? Now I just do not know. She made a nasty face at me in the hall the other week. She avoids my gaze at all costs. She never speaks to me, and I have given up trying to talk to her after working incredibly hard just to get a yes or a no out of her. At our little Christmas gathering of work friends, she avoided me all night, did not even thank me for the amazing present that I and two of her other "friends" put together. And it is not just me... she is treating everyone poorly, but me most of all. But then as I left work yesterday, she was actually eating lunch with the girls (which she has not done in months) and actually accepted a cookie from me and said more than one word. It almost made me think that suddently things had changed again. Truthfully, I can forgive and forget. She is not really the type. Because of this, she has trouble truly believing that I would just forgive and forget. If we could just talk and get past this...
So what to do? As I said... I have to divest. For better or worse, I need to get my own act together, and as much as my instinct is to push and push and not let her go and try to worm my way into her mind and figure out what is going on and see if I can help her fix whatever issues she is working through right now.... I just can't. And I think she takes that as something against her, but it isn't. I cannot support anyone right now, regardless of who they are. All of these changes I am making are to help me get healthy. Stress makes me physically ill. Mentally, I am totally fine! But physically, I am not well. And to do that, I have to get rid of everything that causes me stress. And that includes her. I would not say "for good". I am just not like that. But attempting to save our friendship has to go on a shelf right now. I do not have the strength to fight for BOTH of us, and she has made it quite clear that she will not be coming to me any time soon to resolve things. I am strong, and in many ways, my tenacity has seen our friendship through quite a few misunderstandings, but it is just too much right now. Is that admitting weakness? I am not sure. I want to think I can handle everything at once and sometimes I think of myself like one of those plate-spinning people... but I guess everyone has a limit, and I am at mine. Either that, or I am reaching a new plateau in maturity. It is hard to admit that I have to stop anything, or that I cannot handle everything. But I can't. And I cannot ignore how poorly she has been treating me and I cannot pretend nothing is wrong and I cannot keep trying when it feels like continuously running my head into a brick wall.
I guess the best way to describe what I am doing is just putting it on a shelf. Literally I have been physically ill with the stress of dealing with this friendship because it is such a rollercoaster. So right now, I am stepping off the rollercoaster, going to go on a nice relaxing ride on the swings, hit up the lazy river, and when I feel better, maybe I will try getting back on. If she is there and willing, great. If she is not, then at least I did not waste my precious time working on the impossible.


I do feel in some ways that this is a time of growing up for me. Again, NOT a mid-life crisis... but a re-evaluation of what I really want in my life. Fortunately, I am really decisive, and this has not been as hard on me as it might for others. My path is usually laid pretty clear and I trust my instincts. I have a lot of things to look forward to... I intend to join back up with Reverb. Not singing is like missing a piece of my soul. Jon's birthday is coming, and we have some weekend plans already. My little niece and nephew twins are coming soon, and we are planning to spend time with them. I intend to spend spring break in Tampa with my brother. I am considering taking yoga again or joining the Y. We are hosting Turkey Wow IV this year. Good things are coming. And if I can loosen this knot in my stomach, I will enjoy them all the more, so that is the goal.

Thoughts? :)