house hunting blues

Really, house hunting sucks. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. It is stressful, exhausting, and annoying. And it means commitment and the loss of flexibility AND most of your savings. Fantastic!

We have spent 3 sats now looking at houses all day. We have been all over the place.

The house we loved in Honeybrook was taken off of the market because the pregnant wife was advised that moving in the 8th or 9th month of her pregnancy would be a bad idea. Duh.

The log cabin we really loved needed maintenance... but the owners are now begging us to put an offer in. They are getting divorced and just waiting to get rid of the thing. Its tempting - we really do love it.

We have looked into a few new constructions, but, like the log cabin, they are all out in coatesville, which we really hesitate about. I guess on the whole that this is not something that causes us to pause or hesitate.

Will we find the house? I don't know. In the meantime, its very stressful for me... and probably makes Jon feel stressed as a result. He puts up with me well, but I have been a monster this week in particular. Sigh.




In other news, I have a sore throat and a fever and bad cramps.

In further news still, I will be going on Lupron very soon. What does this do? Well, it basically stops my body from making Estrogen. You know, that crazy hormone that enables you to have a period? Yup. The good news is that this is one of the top treatments for Endometriosis. The bad news is that it can cause a lowered sex drive, acne, headaches, hot flashes, and general stress.

Truthfully, I am really nervous about it. The first shot is just one month, then I can do two treatments of 3 months. I think that is how it goes. It causes your bones to lose calcium too, so if I did anymore, I would have to take hormone replacement therapy.

My real concerns stem from taking birth control before... namely 3 things: migraines (which, for me, are precipitated by the pill), IBS (stems from feeling stressful and anxious while on the pill), and being a general psycho.

I am pretty freaked out, and I apologize in advance if I turn into a monster. Still, doing this has helped a LOT of people have non-painful periods. When the estrogen stops, the endometrial growths stop growing and actually shrink... this means when I get back to my normal cycle, the growths are gone or are tiny so they do not bleed and make me miserable. Hopefully.

So... 6 months. I would like to try to do a 6 month treatment. This I am currently menstrual for the last time until November.

And honestly, I cannot tell you how amazing it is to think about making plans this summer.



Making plans in advance has always been very difficult for me. The reason is that I never know if I am going to feel terrible. I never know if it will be "that time" or whether I will be suffering an ibs attack or what. I just dont know.

But now... finally... a glimmer of hope. The thought that I can plan to go away this summer without worrying that I will be sick is amazing. Jon and I hope to meet up with Les and Ben in Boston this year for the 4th of July. My first thought, as usual, is: what if I am sick? What if I have my period? And then I realize..... but I wont! How wonderful is that?!

Endo is something only a person with endo can really understand. Sadly, most women think it is "normal" to feel pain when they have their period. It isn't. Remember, your body has a reason for pain ~ something is being hurt or torn or generally messed up. Pain is your body's way of being like YO! Something is WRONG!

And so it is with a lot of doctors.... oh? you feel sick with your period? so does every other girl! just try this pill or that pill or this drug or that drug. It makes someone with a true problem feel so alone. It actually makes you question your sanity.



With this new doctor, I actually broke down when telling her my history. She asked what I had tried... so I started detailing what I was doing freshman year of college... and I realized... I have been like this for 10 years. 10 years! 10 years I have been in pain every month. 10 years I have been talking to doctors and finding no response. My original doctor had me on a slew of birth control pills. When I started getting migraines, I went off of them, and she put me on a slew of pain killers. Nothing worked except for one drug that was taken off the market. All of the other ones killed my intestines and kicked up my IBS. If it wasnt one thing, it was another. She was always very - well, pain is normal. ITS NOT!
I had to go through several nurse practictioners before I got to my last doctor. I thought she was different... but she was more interested in telling me to get pregnant. Even before I was married. She wanted me to do the birth control thing again. I gave it a try. Stress. I gave the mini pill a try... well hello 20 lbs of water weight! The most I have ever weighed in my life was 140. 140 on a 5ft4 frame was not so great for me. Finally, I convinced her to check my hormones... she said they were "fine". Then, I had a laparoscopy 2 years ago last month. I was finally diagnosed with moderate endometriosis.

I hated the diagnosis... but at least I can be like SEE - its not just cramping. Its not just me being a wussy little girl. I have a condition.

Sadly, its a condition that no one really understands.

So anyway, I was telling all of this to my new doctor and couldnt help but spring tears. Its been10 years of doctors not taking me seriously. Of me calling out of work two days every month. Of me feeling helpless and alone. Of me not wanting to make plans, not wanting to go out, not wanting to do things because of the possibilities of feeling awful. Certainly, no way to live.


Lupron makes me feel scared and excited. A glimmer of hope, but afraid of hope at the same time. I am very worried about the side effects. What if it makes me stressed, and that kicks my IBS into full gear again? In some ways, that is worse than the once a month pain. What if I start getting migraines again? I usually get headaches at the end of my period, when my estrogen is lo2w anyway. What if? What if?

But I think I am at the point that I am willing to try almost anything. I dont care what it costs. I dont care if it causes more pain in the short term. The only thing I am not willing to do is get pregnant before we are ready. What a stupid idea! Yes, I am fully aware that when we go to have kids, I may not be able to. I might be scarred. I might be blocked. Every day it gets worse, and I realize its just a game with time and my mutinous body. But I will not bring a child into the world to alleviate my pain. How idiotic!



I am soap boxing, I think, and I did not mean to... its just on my mind a lot right now.

I guess I will just go back to vegging, which is what I have done best today, and taking advil.