Welcome back

I realize that very few people probably like to hear about / discuss women’s monthly functions, but I sort of feel like it is my duty to educate and put it out there, even if no one ends up reading this. At least it is there somewhere.

To quickly summarize: I got my original Lupron shot in May. It is a three month shot that disrupts hormonal function so that your body is not producing any estrogen. It affects the ovaries as well as the pituitary gland. Along with a lack of a period, you are thrown into false menopause, replete with night sweats, trouble sleeping, hot flashes, and moodiness. Oh, and bone loss.

Endometriosis is a condition where your endometrium (which is normally supposed to be in your uterus) manages to make its way to other parts of the body. Each month it grows and bleeds. Its like having a period inside of your body but with no where for it to go. The end result is often scarring and pain. Lots of pain. Science is unsure of how those cells get outside of where they are supposed to be. They are also not sure why a little bit of endo can cause a lot of pain and sometimes a lot of endo goes un-noticed until a girl cannot get pregnant and they find out it is due to the scar tissue.

The thought behind Lupron is that since your estrogen shuts down and you stop having your period, your body has time to essentially “eat up” the endo in other parts of your body.

I got my second shot of Lupron in August, during which I bled for about 4 weeks. Not painful. Just bleeding. I had to take estrogen to get it to stop, which is sort of counter-intuitive.

Anyway, the second shot was to wear off in Oct. Approximately two weeks before that date, I bled. Same thing as before… not painful really, but constant bleeding. It stopped within a week and then everything went freaking INSANE.

A couple of things happened to my body that I was quite unprepared for. First of all: hot flashes. DEAR LORD. I had hot flashes during the 6 month treatment, but I was taking progesterone add-back therapy to prevent bone loss, which curbed the intensity of the hot flashes. When the shot was up, I did not have to take progesterone anymore. Hot flashes came back with a VENGENCE. Holy. Cow. It was rough.

Good news on that though… about 2 weeks ago (beginning of January), I stopped having hot flashes and being insufferably warm all the time. Back to cold frigid wears a scarf and gloves at all times me. Umm… yay?

It is worth it to note though that ALL of Oct, ALL of Nov, and ALL of Dec were full of hot flashes. And night sweats. And poor sleep.

Now the thing about Lupron is that once the shot wears off, you are supposed to get your period within 2 months… so I was banking on about mid December. Yeah, nothing. A very paranoid me was worried that I had accidentally gotten pregnant. Unlikely, given that we do use protection, but you never know. Actually, paranoid is not really a great word for it… very scared is probably more appropriate. Another point Lupron does not do a great job of telling you is that it can cause birth defects if you get pregnant while you are on it…or before it is completely out of your system. Overall, it seems like most docs recommend waiting at least 6 months to be sure that your hormones are back up to snuff before trying to get pregnant due to the risk of abnormalities. So yeah, not getting my period when I was supposed to was pretty scary because the last thing I wanted to do was screw up my future kid.

Turns out, I wasn’t. I am proud to announce that on Monday of this week, I actually got a legitimate period. Sorry if that is too much detail, but it is what it is.

So far, it has been…. Interesting.

I am not in pain. That is a major plus. Yeah, a bit of cramping, but definitely not in the gut-wrenching agonizing pain that I felt before. So that is pretty awesome. The sucky part is that the nausea is still there. I can count on one had the food items I have eaten since Monday. I have just been very nauseated, which hopefully I can talk to my ob-gyn about treating. I know for some people, that does not sound so bad and truthfully in comparison to how I used to feel, its really not… but its bad enough that it brings me to tears. So I definitely need to look into how to fix that. I also had the normal water retention that I have always had before my period. Nothing like literally watching your boobs grow a cup size in the span of a week. I would never post them, but I actually took pictures of the rise and fall one time. It was pretty amazing to see them swell up like that. I swear one of these days that being scientific and a camera enthusiast is going to somehow get me into trouble.

Overall, prognosis good. So far, I think putting my body through chemical and hormonal torture has had good results, but there is one other major symptom that I feel the need to mention…

I am so freakin tight. Um… down there. You know those Kegel exercise they recommend you do? Yeah, it feels like that down there all the time, without me even trying to clench my muscles. The end result is that making love to my incredibly understanding and wonderful husband has been a huge challenge. It hurts. And there is quite literally nothing I can do to relax those muscles because I am not doing it on purpose in the first place. It has gotten better over the past three months, but in the beginning, it was tight to the point of actually causing some ripping when I would stubbornly decide that I was going to do it no matter what my body thought about it. Stupid me.

I am very hopeful that now that I have actually gotten my period and my hormones are coming back into balance, that that will improve too. Of course, that remains yet to be seen. Wish me luck!

So that is the update…

January has been hard. I started taking aikido 3 nights a week. Jon had his birthday. His grandmother passed away this week, but I will wait to post on that until after her funeral services. My grandmother has moved in with my Aunt, which seems like a good situation for her. Two of my other Aunts are in the middle of some serious Jerry-Spring-like family drama. There has been a lot of personal news, both good and bad. Time keeps moving on.

January 9th, 2009

Today Jon and I had the fortune of attending the funeral of Christine Palmer, mother of our good friend David. It was the third funeral I have ever been to, and the one I was most removed from.

I think I had met Chris once or twice in passing, always at O'Gradys in P-ville. Jon's dad played the organ at their wedding, and they have several connections to our family through church and through Eastern College. As our time with David and Susannah as a couple have been limited, since they live in Brooklyn, we never got the chance to know Chris beyond a name mentioned or a story told.

I wish we had.

The funeral began at 10:30 and lasted until around 1:15, only cut short because funerals cannot go on forever. The church was quite full and many people got the opportunity to speak their piece about Mrs. Palmer. She was a math teacher for 30 years and a youth director for quite some time. She was extremely active in church and touched a great many lives. Everyone noted her compassion, her intellect, her intuition, her servant's heart, and her passion for fath, love, and giving. Though we have never known Chris, we can see her in David because he embodies the very things that his mother was in her lifetime. It was impressive to see what an impact she made on those around her. I can only say that one who is loved so much is only that way because they themselves have loved in abundance. I am glad we were able to honor her today be attending.

I cried. A lot. In fact, it was hard to keep it together as much as I did. Seeing David and Sus so sad was heartbreaking. Yet, everyone dies. It is a fact of life, and not one that makes me particularly sad. I realize that death is only sad for the living, and that Chris is full of joy now. Seeing her body in the casket was seeing just a shell. I am affirmed over and over again that we are not our bodies, though we temporarly use them as a vehicle. Our true selves are spirit.

I am also reminded that we always want our parents. We want to see them as perfect, we always want to count on them. We always want them close, whether we realize it or not. Whether we are 3 and have a boo-boo or 30 and need advice on our own child... whether we are 50 and fully capable of making our own decisions or 80 and wondering at the great beyond.

Though you may not think so, I believe this structure has been put into place to remind us of how God wants to be close to his children, and how we always ache for something more. Throwing all religious rhetoric out the window, ignoring all different factions and sects and dominations, I think this is a fundamental truth of all beliefs. We want to be near to our maker, as our maker wants to be near to us.

I say it was our fortune to attend the service today not only to celebrate the lives Chris touched, but to remember something that I am absolutely sure that she would agree with: God wants us, and we want God. Whether on the surface we know that or not, our spirit, our true selves, knows it.

And so death is a brief parting in the grand scheme of things.... she has returned to her maker, as her soul wanted to do, as we will all do some day. Reunited. Together.

Holidays

The holidays were busy, to say the least...


Christmas Eve ~ I was going to have a mental breakdown if the house was not cleaned up, so we spent most of the morning scouring the place. It needed the help and it was a wonderful feeling when it was all done, even if we did not quite get as far as I wanted to. Jon and I met up with Mike & Mary and Ellen & Kevin & baby Abigail at the Melting Pot at 5. 3.5 hours later... we all rolled ourselves away from the cheesy chocolatey dippy goodness. Jon and I with with Ellen and Kevin and Abigail to the 9:30 service at church. We were supposed to go to church with my mom, but we mistakenly screwed up the time, so ended up in P-ville. Afterward, we drove back to my parent's to open our one Christmas Eve gift. :)

Christmas Day ~ Nothing like waking up at 7 am on your day off. We got up and I made a spectacular baked apple french toast, heavy on the nutmeg. We got to Jon's parent's at 9:30 where eating of said awesomeness occurred. We then opened presents. They got me an amazing 35mm lens that I am absolutely in love with. They got Jon a tool box. I am pretty sure I won out on the deal, but Jon is really excited about the toolbox. :)

After the presents, we raced out to visit Nanny. She was having a really good day, which is rarer and rarer. She knew who we were and even cracked some jokes. It was pretty great and one of the best presents Jon's dad could have gotten.

We got to my folk's at 1:30, where we opened more presents. This year, my mom decided to give us lighting for Christmas. She got us a new hallway light and a beautiful chandelier to replace the cheap gold thing that came with our townhome. Now we just need dining room tables and we are set to party.

Jon's parents came over around 4:30 and all of us sat down to leg of lamb. Oh the irony of having lamb at Christmas and Easter! :P It was delicious and it was nice to have a reasonably calm evening with the family.

We got home around 8:30 and opened each other's presents... following it up with falling asleep on the couch while watching The Soup. A good day had by all.

Sat 26th ~ I worked this day and it was rather busy.

Sun 27th ~ On this morning, we met up with our d-town friends for breakfast, again waking up around 7 am. It was really great to see everyone while they were home, though I would have loved to have a few more hours... or days. :) Jon and I then went to the mall to exchange some scrubs and I got new awesome ones that are super soft. Nice scrubs are stupid expensive, but a worthy investment. I am now going to pay extra attention not to drop blood / urine / mineral oil on them while at the hospital.
I worked this evening and again, it was too busy for my liking...

Mon 28th ~ I had to pack in the morning and we got on the road around 11 to go to Maine. The trip was quiet, I drove most of the way. We got there around 6 and went directly to Gwen's to see the fam and the kids. Mattea got a parakeet for Christmas, Snowy, and was very excited to show her off. We left to go to Grammie's at 8:30 ish and turned in relatively soon after that. Jon and I got the river room (my favorite, which, duh, overlooks the river) and we both slept like rocks, despite Uncle Philip doing his best to saw logs in the adjacent room.

Tues 29th ~ Deb came today! We hired our wedding photographer to do some family pictures of the entire clan. Let me tell you, that woman works hard. She took about 800 shots in an hour and a half's worth of time. We actually just got the pictures a few days ago and they rock. The kids are so photogenic. It was really fun, though exhausting for all. Deb brought along her daughter, Stella, who took to Jon quite easily and had a good time playing with Tait and Theo. At one point, Jon had Theo on his shoulders, Stella and Tait on his legs, and Mattea was trying to get a piggyback ride. :)
The rest of the day was significantly more laid back. We played some games in the evening at M&J's house and I ate a lot of Bugles. Those things are delicious! We also slept here for the rest of the trip to give Grammie a bit of a break.

Wed 30th ~ Second (uh, fourth??) Christmas! It kicked off at G&C's with a big breakfast and then more present opening happened. The kids got a wii, so they were excited about that. Tait also go window markers. BEST THINGS EVER. I spent some time with him drawing all over the windows. Fun stuff.
In the afternoon, we made a hectic trip to Bean's to return some stuff and get some other stuff for my mom.
That night, it was back to M&J's where we introduced them to DDR2. Everyone tried it out, which was pretty funny.

Thur 31st ~ We got up early to drive home this day. Oh yeah, it was New Year Eve. It was icky snowy on the Mass tnpk, so we ended up finally getting into our house at 6:30. Though we got invited to do a few things, we ended up staying in, which was a fabulous idea. We watched Dick Clark as he depressingly screwed up the countdown (who thought it was a good idea for him to start at 20?!) and then hit the sheets.

Fri 1st ~ This was Mike & Mary's wedding rehearsal! I snapped pics like a paparazzi. Dinner was at McCormick & Schmick's downtown. We stayed overnight in the city, which was an excellent plan because we had to be up and ready to go around 9:30. Jon was in the wedding, so he was occupied all day, and I followed them around taking pictures and angering grandparents. Good stuff.

Sat 2nd ~ The wedding and reception were fantastic. The pictures - FRIGID. Nothing like taking pictures in 7 degree windy weather at Love park in the city. mhmm. The band at the reception was amazing and the food, great.
I think the best part about the wedding is that Mike and Mary are two people we really support getting married. We have no doubt that they are meant to be and are great together, and it is wonderful to celebrate the union of two people you believe in as a couple. It was fun to see them finally get married and I know both of their families are thrilled.

Sun 3rd ~ We came home from Philly at Jon dropped me off at LM for Project Philly auditions. (www.projectphilly.org) Things went well and from there, we went to our friend's graduation party. She just made it home from U Miami a semester early. She will be going to UPenn for grad school in the fall. Smarty pants! :) We then drove home to eat dinner with my parents since we had not seen them since Christmas, essentially.

Monday 4th ~ back to school...



This past Monday, I got a phone call from Sus that her husband David's mom passed away that morning. They had spent a good deal of time with her over the holidays and her prognosis (brain cancer, dx in the summer) was looking a bit better. On Monday morning, she had a seizure and died. Sus and David and their 5 month old, Van, live in Brooklyn and they asked if they could come down and stay with us that night.

As much as we hate why they are down here, we love that they are here and able to stay with us. They have been with us all week and our house has served as a base for them to go out with family and prepare for the funeral, which is tomorrow. Most of the week we have been trying to support them as best we can, even though that usually just means food and a comfortable place to sleep and entertaining Van.

Today is David's birthday, so if you could keep him and his family in your prayers, it would be much appreciated.

Style ~ Dec 26th, 2009

They say that everyone has their own sense of style... even if the style is sweats and grubby sneakers. Most people do make a semi-conscious decision about what they put on their bodies every morning, and few actually aim to look bad. We call those people goth, and they obviously have personal style, even if a silly one.

Okay, okay, I am teasing. Goth really is not so terrible... black usually is becoming, and layering is nice. Maybe in my next life I will be goth.

Anyway, in THIS life, I am really not sure what my personal style is. I have been glancing at the satorialist and, sadly, know that I would never make it there. Even if I do not know what my style is, apparently others do.

Recently, a co-worker sent out an email offering up a "vintage-style brown leather coat". I am not anti-hand-me-downs and I have been wanting to get rid of my tan pea-coat, which has always been a shade too small, especially during the holidays when I am filled up with cookies AND wearing sweaters. Anyway, I went to check out the coat. It is a full-length brown shearling jacket. The inside is fully lined with sheep (baaaaa) and the collar is... I dont know what it is... but furry. When I saw it, I thought, "that is so not me... but I like it!" And with that, I accepted the jacket.

Two days later, I wore the jacket into school. Two of my co-worker friends dropped their jaws. The first one said, "Ew, that better not be real!" (ahh, the perils of working in the science dept!) The second one said, "That is SO not you, so not your style!" I shrugged and told them it was warm and I liked it... the first co-worker later said she was a bit jealous of it (I think she felt better knowing it was like a 70's era jacket and I did not kill the sheep myself) and the second seems to have gotten used to it. At least, she stopped giving me quizzical looks about it.

This whole miniscule event got me thinking about my style. Why would they be so shocked to see me in this full-length leather coat with fur (maybe real, maybe not?) collar?

I do have a few rules, but most apply to color. I will list them in order of terribleness: worst to most tolerable.

1. brown + black = no no! Tan and black is okay... brown and black with other colors added in with lots of pattern... also okay. Chocolate brown pants and a black shirt? NO. Brown pants and black shoes? Negative. Brown skirt and black top? Are you trying to kill me?

2. Navy blue + black = ick. There is a point on the blue scale of colors at which it becomes wrong to wear with black. The only thing that is sufferable would be navy blue pants and black shoes. I can deal, but would rather the shoes be brown. Black pants and navy top make me cringe, as does the reverse.

3. blue shirts + blue jeans = wrong. I love blue, I really do. But if you are wearing a blue shirt too close to the color of your blue jeans, you basically look like one big cookie monster in my eyes and my brain registers 80's! in a big neon sign. I can tolerate it okay but its really not preferable.

4. orange/yellow + black = halloween/bumblebee. If you are wearing black pants or a black skirt... choose another color for your top, for my own sake. If you do not, that is okay... no lie, the colors go nicely together.... but I will be thinking that you look like halloween or a bumble bee. As long as you do not mind that, go ahead.

And, its funny, but somehow this ties into my texture issues with food. (ex: mashed potatoes are gross, french fries and chips are great! Semi-soft caramel in chocolates are bad, but really soft is yummy. Hard butterscotch candies are delicious but do not put hot butterscotch on my ice cream.) The feeling I get when I eat something of a wrong texture is the same as I get from seeing those colors together... on myself ANd on other people.

I have another rule which I am not sure the terms of, and it relates to how colors are displayed on the body. For example... I would have no problem wearing a plain dark green shirt with khakis (although that does make me feel like a tree). Yet, I would not wear the same dark green shirt with a pair of medium-washed blue jeans. Unless maybe I had a lighter color over top of it. So, I am not quite sure how that works. I also would not wear the dark green shirt with chocolate brown pants (too much like a tree), yet I might wear it with grey. This is one that does not bother me about other people, it only applies to me, and I do not have it all quite figured out yet.

As far as WHAT I will wear... I guess I am more preppy than anything else, but I think of myself as pretty boring. Plain pants. Solid color t shirts or sweaters. My only pseudo-style pieces are my fingerless gloves and my scarves. And I have to tell you, I started with the fingerless gloves nearly 2 years ago. If you spend 8 hours a day in a cold cubicle in front of a computer, you want them. And you know where I got the idea from? My uncle Jimmy - the one in the wheelchair - who has been rocking the fingerless glove thing since before I was born. I had to laugh as I recently was looking through etsy.com... So many people were selling fingerless gloves "like the one Alice wears in Twilight!" Yeah, uh huh, you can thank me for that trend. ;) Actually, you can thank Uncle Jim. Apparently I am somewhat known at work as the girl with the fingerless gloves. Nameless, which is my preference around there anyway. :/

As far as scarves go... I got my first one at 18. I stole it from Jon and wore it constantly. In the past few years, I have become more of a scarf junkie, getting at least 6 of them in 2009. And yes, I wear one almost every day... and do not really hesitate to wear them in the summer either. Warm neck and warm wrists mean a warm me.

So other than scarves and gloves, I do not have much going on. Cept the coat now, I guess. My hair is either down or up. I rarely wear earrings. I change my necklaces a bit, but they are all thin, delicate, and understated. I rarely change my rings because I have my wedding rings and my great great grandmothers ring.

And then there is the issue of belts. I really ought to wear belts more often since low-rise pants are continually showing off my butt crack... but for some reason, I do not. My favorite belt is black with silver studs... but, again, thought of as incongruous with this non-definitive "style" that I have.

Ultimately, it would be kind of fun to have a personal style... to be fashion forward. Its nothing vane... I do not seek a style so that i look and am "fabulous". Fashion is just sort of fun, and if I am spending x amt of dollars on clothing anyway, why not seek little pieces of fashion that are functional as well? I have mostly subsisted on functional clothing... but I think it is time to find some clothes that are fun to wear as well.

This whole post probably seems really narcissistic. It isn't. I am not sure how to convince you of that, so you will just have to trust me if you are questioning it at all.

I think perhaps my mind is just changing on the whole subject of fashion. Sure, a lot of it is really empty, really vacuous. (uh, the fashion industry, not my brain!) But I think maybe I am starting to see the artistic side of dressing up a body. I think bodies are really beautiful to start off with... every shape, every size, every color... and then to dress those shapes up is kinda fun.

So perhaps that will be one of my resolutions for 2010: have a little more fun with what I am wearing and try to figure out what my style is.

Other resolutions:

- no chocolate. And I don't mean the color, I mean the food. Even dematologists say that chocolate does not cause pimples, but they have never used me in their studies.

- start working out... my friends and I are signed up for aikido, so we will see how that goes

- get more serious about photography - I love taking pictures, and I have a little project in mind. It requires a lot more dedication (and blogging) than I am sure I am ready for, but I am going to try.