apparently

Apparently they have upgraded the filter system here at work...

So now, I am able to blog while I am here. However, I am now unable to do crosswords on aarp.com. I am also unable to watch anything on hulu (because we are running IE 6.2 for some reason). Its a shame, because there is some tv I could be catching up on.

The rest of the week has not exactly gone as planned. On Thursday, we actually did not get to go take pregnancy pictures due to the mama having some blood pressure spikes. She is okay though, fortunately, and I hope we can still do the shoot before she gives birth.

Instead Thursday was made up of our air conditioner breaking, a really awesome (read: cool) storm, and... no power. That night, we stayed over Jon's parents because he was to travel on Friday and the last thing we needed was a poor night's sleep.... ...which I got anyway. While the basement might still constitute "home" for him, sadly a futon in the darkness is never really quite as comfy for me. On top of it, my stomach was acting up, so it was not nearly as nice as it could have been.

On Friday, I was up at 8, and went home to find the power on... but only THEN realizing that the ac was broken. Stupid me chalked up the fact that it was 83 degrees in the house to the fact that it was *really* hot outside and the ac just could not keep up. No, it was broken. Despite it, I took a whopping 3 hour nap in the afternoon in the even warmer bedroom. I guess I needed it.

The storm had caused quite a bit of havoc, with trees and lines down everywhere. I had stupidly ventured into Exton to run errands, thinking that commerce would be unaffected. Wrong. I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and was met at the door by a guy with a tiny battery powered led lantern. He asked me what I wanted to see. I told him window treatments. He said, uhhh, its really dark over there. We walk over, I cannot see jack squat, and tell him its absolutely rididculous that the store was open. He agreed.

After my failed attempt at buying home goods, I went to my parents house to see the downed Bradford Pear (stupid trees, so weak!) and check in on the cats. My mom is in Florida for the weekend, so luckily she missed the lack of AC. My dad does not mind living like a "savage"... I am pretty sure he got his first shower today. That would be Sunday. The power came back on there early this morning. So at least I did not have to go through that.

Friday night was my first aikido test. Though I had been feeling pretty good about it this week, that strength more or less evaporated when I found out that Jon was not going to make it home in time from work to test as well. It probably seems stupid, but his presence gives me strength and courage... and while I know that he is always with me blah blah blah, it would have been really nice to go through it together.

But I sucked it up. In more ways than one. I went, I tested.... I sucked... but they were feeling charitable and passed me anyway. Our main sensei, Ken, was unable to come, so we were left with Tony (this would be the same sensei that made me cry uncontrollably a few weeks ago). Tony thought it would be really fun to go out of order. Despite my trying to explain to him how I learn (I take notes, when I am asked questions, I literally visualize on the paper where the notes and answers are, then I can remember), he told me once again to "stop thinking" and just do what I am being told to do.

Yeah... uh... mhm.

So there were moves that I knew instantly and moves that took a bit to work through and remember what I was supposed to do. It was extremely embarassing for me (we test in front of the whole dojo) to feel like I had no idea. I did some stupid things wrong (like doing the bokken suburi #2 instead of #1, but then correcting it at the last minute, though I do not know if Tony saw me correct). I also got kicked in the hand after throwing my uke (attacker) which has resulted in hurting A LOT yesterday and today. But I passed. He told me that I am too focused on the letter and too stiff... but he told the other person testing that she was too loose and needed to be more precise. So together we make one great aikido person, I guess. :/

I felt like crying after, despite being passed. People congratulated me, but what I appreciated most was another black belt, Joe, taking me aside and correcting a move that I did wrong (ai hanmi katatetori shihonage). I did not do it completely wrong, but I did not do it completely right, and I appreciated the acknowledgement of that vs being told that I did "well enough". It is funny, because as charitable as I often am with my students, I do not really appreciate it when its given to me. I guess I am my own worst critic. To me, there is truth in constructive criticism, and without it, I think people who are supposed to judge me are just being nice.

It has occurred to me that I probably did not post about the crying episode.

So it was a few weeks ago and I am not sure if I was having an emotional week or just tired or I was worn out or what. There was a move that I simply was not understanding. And the REASON I was not understanding is because one of the senseis taught me how to do the move incorrectly when I was working with him. So Tony steps in, like he usually does, to see if people are doing the move right. Well, I wasn't. And his response? Slapping me upside the face. Not hard, just a tap, so that I knew I was vulnerable and he could knock my lights out because of it. I have no problem with those methods. I steeled myself and continued doing the move again and again... incorrectly. It was what I had been taught. And instead of correcting what I was doing, he kept showing my vulnerability. And finally I had enough. My eyes started to well up. I was not going to throw the other sensei under the bus and point fingers and scream "HE TAUGHT ME WRONG"... even though that is really what I wanted to do. So I started crying. Not the blubbering kind, just the sniffly tears streaming down your face kind where you cannot stop because you feel like someone has uncorked something that has been locked up inside of you for a very long time. I actually kinda felt bad for Tony, all of his Italian manliness revolted against making a girl cry... I kept working through, despite the tears, and he has been a bit kinder to me since. I think he thinks im fragile. I am not. I was angry. I was mad that I had been taught the wrong way and was being humilated for it and there was nothing I could really do about it. After class, the girls consoled me telling me that they both have bawled during class, usually because of Tony, and to not really worry about it too much. They, too, had been in similar situations, and understood the injustice. Still, I abhor crying, because a lot of people look at it as weakness when usually I cry because I am pissed off or frustrated. Ah well. It was... interesting.

In my post-analysis, I have come to realize that aikido is very much like learning a new language. When you learn a non-native language, like say Spanish, you have to do a lot of translating in your head before you can react. So when someone says "Como estas?" In your head, you go, okay, that means How are you? I want to say I am fine. To do that, I need to say muy bien. And then you say it. So you have gone through a whole translation process. In time, that process becomes so fast that it barely seems like thinking, and you can approximate what SEEMS like instinctual reaction when really, you are still doing the thinking, just very quickly.

So when a sensei says, "Stop thinking, just move", I want to tear their head off. There are two scenarios: 1) sensei demonstrates the move - I have to take in both uke and nage's parts, the attacker and the attacked, know how each is supposed to move, with both hands and feet, and then replicate it. That, in and of itself, is HARD for a totally linguistic learner. 2) sensei tells me in Japanese to do a movement. Ai hanmi katatetori ikkyo. I have to take those words in my head, translate them to english (ai hanmi means opposite stances, katatetori means wrist grab, ikkyo means the first movement, which is an arm bar type motion with a specific pin), then I actually have to translate that into MOVEMENT. Even if I know what the words mean, I do not always necessarily know the movement that goes with it. Try doing that without thinking. Not gonna happen. I want to yell at them and tell them that if they do not want me to think, fine, but I am going to stand as still as a statue because I literally cannot move before I do this mental translation. Because they have all been doing it at least 15 years, some even 30, they have forgotten. They have forgotten what it is like to learn something new. And yes, I know, some day, it will be reflexive. But it is not today. Not 6 months after I have started. It takes time, and if they do not want me crying every other week, it is going to take some censorship on their part and realize that the most frustrating thing I can be told is to stop thinking. It would be like your Spanish teacher yelling at you in Spanish and telling you "do not think about it, just respond in Spanish!" Riiiiiiiiiight.

They also have to realize that telling me to "use my anger" is going to result in me crying. That is how I use anger. I turn it into tears. Women are hard-wired to do this: maybe because we ARE physically weaker and psychologically much more manipulative. But come on, ySo ou don't think Amelia Earhart was PISSED that she was lost and/or crashing and did not cry because of it?

As an interesting aside, tears are actually part of your parasympathetic nervous system. Your sympathetic nervous system, the one responsible for "fight or flight", is the one that hypes your body up, increases your blood pressure, gives you clarity for focus for your survival. The parasympathetic nervous system is what happens AFTER you have been upset. It soothes you, slows you down, calms you... so really, you are not crying because you are getting upset... you cry because you were ALREADY upset and now your body is chilling out, often releasing extra proteins, things like that. So being told to hold that in is futile as well, because you are actually then refusing to let your body calm down - holding it in just keeps you wound up, upset, and tense. Tears do help you relax and return to normal functional level... so don't hold those tears in - your body is just trying to help you!

So anyway, I have gone totally off topic, I guess.... but that is what blogging is for, no? Work is *almost* blissfully over. Two weeks seem quite far away when its summer, so it is nice to know I have 2 weeks of relaxation before having to do anything more.

Thoughts on crying? Anyone? :)

summah

Well, here we finally are: summer.

So far, its been incredibly busy, despite the fact that summer has officially been 6 days long. On day 1, I ran errands, did laundry, and got ready for day 2, which was our hs graduation.

The graduation went well. My friend and I were employed as the official photographers. Our pictures will shortly be posted HERE. The experience was really good and I learned a lot from it. The biggest thing I learned is that I really need to learn more about my camera (Nikon d80). I know that its powerful, but like any piece of equipment, you cannot maximize it's use without some know-how. I need to take a class and read my manual. I actually really enjoy photography, but something else I learned is that my preference is composed portrait shots (which I have a basic eye for, but need to learn about lighting) and macro shots. I also prefer as much natural light as humanly possible - I hate using the flash. I found the auditorium to be an extremely difficult lighting situation for me. I had a really hard time making it so that my student's faces were not day-glo white. So it was a little rough for me and I was nervous that I would not live up to the amount of money they were paying me to do this thing.

Yesterday, I went to KC's and we reviewed the photos we took, and I feel much better about the whole ordeal. We are going to watermark the degree conferral pictures as well as the seated portraits I took and they will be for sale. The candids and group shots will be available for download. I do not expect too many orders, to be honest, but we will see. I did get some really cute portraits, so I feel like those will be purchased, if anything. Who really wants their picture with our ceo getting their degree holder passed to them? Not I.

Taking the pictures was really fun, and I also realized that it helps to have a personality to go with it. What I mean is, I often had to get people together for group shots or cajole them into smiling genuinely, so it was beneficial to have a personality that encouraged that. So I feel like if I got the technical knowledge, that I have the eye and personality that would make me into a reasonable photographer. At least, I hope so.

Anyway, the ceremony was nice... they always do a really nice job with it. The food and decorations for the reception afterward was very classy and I was impressed with the floral arrangements. The day was exhausting. I got there at 9 and did not stop moving until I got home at 6. I flopped on the bed for 15 minutes and then we left and were off to Jon's church for a silent auction for the organ pipes. I also had not seen my in laws in about 6 weeks, so it was good to catch up with them and hear about their 3 week long trip to Scotland and the UK. All said and done though, we did not get home until 11:30 and I wanted to DIE.

Sunday was father's day so we headed over to my parent's house around noon and spent the day with them lounging by the pool and relaxing. Rehearsal that night was at PALCS, so at least we did not have to drive far. Despite the laid back day, I was still really wiped and my body was feeling it in a number of ways.

Monday started out with a $200 dentist appointment in the morning. I love the office and people, but they are ridiculously expensive. No cavities. :) I went to the bank to try to turn in our change jar, but naturally the machine broke literally as I walked in the door. Grumble. I know I did some other things this day, running errands, etc... and Monday night was aikido. Both Jon and I are testing on Friday, so we have to learn everything we need for the test. HERE is an example of one of the moves we need to do. I like kotegaishi, which is the part where the wrist is bent in an awkward way, forcing someone to the ground. I like it because it seems to fit naturally with my body - I do not have trouble doing it on even the tallest or biggest of people... and when it is done to me, its not too terribly painful because I am flexible.

Aikido has been really fun for Jon and I, despite bawling a few weeks ago during practice. It is hard for me, but I appreciate the challenge, and I do see some improvements in myself. Summer is brutal though. They leave the door open and I promise you I have never sweat that much in my LIFE. I have thought numerous times that if I was still on Lupron (and getting hot flashes) that I would not be able to continue aikido because I would probably pass out.

Tuesday was another early day as I got up to get my car inspected and oil changed. I then went to the nutritionist, and then over to school to finish a "needs" list for my new Microbiology course that I will be teaching in the spring. I am EXTREMELY excited for this course, though a little less-than-enthusiastic that they upped the student limit from 50 to 80 because so many kids were interested. I am hoping that I can scare them off a little bit by telling them in the beginning that just because it is a half credit does not mean its going to be a cake walk. I have a practical planned in lieu of a final that is going to knock their socks off if they are slacking. I met Jon at his bank, and we managed to turn in our change jar. $326!!!!!!!!! GO US! We splurged and.... put it right in the bank. :/ Stupid practicality. I went home, did some plumbing while being coached by Jon, which apparently has fixed our little water pressure issue. I then went to KCs for 2 hours to work on the pictures, so that was fun. I drove home in a lightening storm where lightening was literally hitting the ground within a mile of my car,so that was cool. Dinner was lobster bisque (mmm) and then I went back out to go to the doctors to appease my mother, who has been angry that my stomach has been more sensitive lately. Sigh. An hour sitting in a 65 degree doctors office and $30 for her to tell me that "if I am feeling better, then there is no reason to be here", I went home. Chris was over and hanging out, and he stayed til maybe 10:45ish. After THAT, Jon and I practice aikido til about 11:15, and then we crashed.

Today I got up around 8:45 (thanks for that text message waking me up, mom) and I have been cleaning and tidying and doing laundry since. We have rehearsal here tonight, so I want to make sure its actually presentable. Honestly, I need this kind of motivation to clean anyway, so even if I am going a bit overboard on cleaning the whole house, without the stimulation, I probably would not do it at all.

Here is what I have going on for the future...

Thursday ~ nothing during the day, but I get to take pregnancy pictures in the afternoon/evening of our friends! YAY! I am nervous about the shoot, but I am thinking a lot of black and white will be fun, so we will see what happens
Friday ~ nothing in the am, but that night is the 6th kyu test (eek!) and then out to Dave and Busters to celebrate our friends birthday. :)
Sat ~ Jon has several options for the day: seeing his sister, going to the dojo party, or going to Dorney Park. I suspect he will do Dorney and see his sister. I, however, will be going to work in the evening, so I will probably not do too much during the morning.
Sun ~ out to York for our friend's baby's baptism! Then driving back and heading to work.
Monday ~ nothing but aikido at night.
Tuesday ~ packing! That night, I leave for Goddard Space Center to return on Friday.
Wed-Fri ~ being a nerd
Sat ~ our hs friends are in town so they will be over for a little reunion. bbqing, fireworks, the like.
Sun ~ recovery?!

THEN it is finally summer where I really have no other plans but aikido, Project rehearsal, and working every other weekend. YAY!


So that is the update... things are good. We are starting to look into Australia and decide if we really want to be in New Zealand when its 45 degrees. Shrug. I am sure its still gorgeous, but I am not a big fan of freezing weather. We will see....

Prom

I went to the prom on Thursday night. The Senior Citizen's Prom. After months of planning and mini breakdowns, it all came together and was over in 2 short hours.

I cannot claim credit for the idea. Our high school did it every year with the National Honors Society. A small group of students would head it up, but it had so much precedent, there was no concern over getting seniors or getting students to attend. Our school, being cyber, a) has never done anything like this and b) has a hard enough time getting a kid to answer their personal cell phone, let alone show up and dance with an elderly person.

I brought the idea to Anne, the person running NHS at our school, and she fortunately jumped right on board. We chose Wellington, a retirement community that is more like a lux hotel then old folks home. I contacted the activities director there and set up a meeting. She had some concerns, but was overall extremely enthusiastic. This was back in perhaps January.

I then went and got permission from the bigwigs at school. I chose a date and everyone was cool with it. It conflicted with some field trips, but oh well. We advertised to the students and 35 said that they wanted to be a part of it. And thus it began.

It was interesting to see the opposition cropping up like clockwork every few weeks. We created a survey to hand out to the seniors to get some information from them to help us shape the dance. Well, they did not want to dance. They did not want to get dressed up. They did not want to run for prom king and queen. We actually had a group of seniors gossiping negatively about the dance. You would think at 85 you would get over that, but apparently not. We decided to forge ahead. If we had a small group, so what? Easier for us. A few more weeks into planning, the activities director called and said we had to cancel the dance. This was near spring break, after we had been planning seriously for about a month. Her son was having an engagement party that night. My heart sunk and I wanted to throw up. I called her and begged her to reconsider, that we had already started planning things, the kids were already excited, we already had a dj and photographer. We chose to move the dance to Thursday night.
I cleared the date with everyone important, and we went ahead again. A few more weeks pass and I start hearing from students that they cannot come - their senior awards dinner is that night. Despite me clearing that date with the person who scheduled the dinner, "it could not be helped, it was the only date free." Excuse me, but no, it was NOT free, in fact. :| So then I started to get worried that we would have no kids. But again, we kept planning and kept going on.

In the end, we had about 25+ kids (I do not even know who was there in the end, considering I do not know what most of my students look like) and we had100 seniors. From something that was almost canceled from lack of interest and bad timing, we had a full blown party. It was bigger than my wedding.

And they loved it!

As I see it, there were only two downsides to the evening. First of all, they did not dance as much as I hoped. Their average age was 85. In my high school, they must have been in their 60's and 70's... I just thought at the ripe ole age of 17 that they were much more ancient than they actually were. The other downside is that we ran out of vanilla for root beer floats. Those old people love em some floats!

Other than that, I really think it went without a hitch. They were not bored, they loved interacting with the kids. We made a bazillion corsages that turned out very well. The decorations worked out great with generous donations of helium, a tank, and a bunch of metal lit star arches. The photographer was very wonderful and already asked if they could do it again for us next year. The DJ did a great job too. Both were free.

I was standing by the door as the seniors walked out and nearly every one wanted to shake my hand or kiss my cheek and tell me how wonderful the night was. "Like a regular old Saturday night!" I am so glad that we were able to provide that opportunity and memory for them. The kids were really fantastic with them, and some in particular really went out of their way to sit with the seniors and chat with them. I was so proud. I thing I feel confident about in cyber school is that the students are really nice. So many of them are shy and sweet and they do not have the prejudices that us jaded public school kids do. Fat, skinny, cute, ugly, old, young, it does not matter, they all hung out together, and it was beautiful to see.

I think what I loved best is that you could see some of the students growing. One girl, a very shy one in my honors bio class, came despite being utterly broken out in hives from an allergic reaction. Her mom told me that because of my class, she wants to go into medicine. How freaking amazing is that? And she is just a lovely, bright girl. Another girl, who is rather overweight and very afraid of public speaking, did a double dose of putting herself out there. Not only did she make friends with the skinny girls who knew each other, but she served as one of our emcees for the evening. She said to me today that she was now more excited to go on trips and do things at school because she knows people now and is not afraid of being alone or being judged. Another girl, who spent a good deal of the night sitting at tables with the seniors, came up to me and said that they were all amazing and she was so glad that she got to talk to them. Another student, who is ESL and sped, had a fantastic time and got to hang out with a bunch of new people who honestly did not even realize something was "off" about him. He is fantastic at the jitterbug, I might add, as he was my dance partner when we learned the other week. I had another, who looks like a freaking supermodel, come up and tell me that she loved the whole night and really wants to take a more active, in charge role next year. We had another girl set up with the photographers, and the spent the whole night teaching her about how to use a dSLR and to set up portrait shots and use different lighting and everything. So amazing.

Despite the mini breakdowns and all of the hard work on me and Anne's part, I am so happy that it happened, not only for the seniors, but for the students. They do want us back, which I think is the highest compliment. I need to get some much needed sleep before I even start considering it, but I know we will probably do it. :) In the three days before the prom, I constantly woke up at night with "prom" the first word in my mind and on my lips, just to fall back asleep. So silly.

Anyway, it was great and exhausting and now I get to move on to other things:
1. finishing the school year
2. graduation (and taking the photography there eek!)
3. kyu test at the end of the month
4. Project Philly has started!

No rest for the weary I suppose.