I don't know how you do it
"I don't know how you do it."
This is something my mother says to me on a weekly basis. She does not know how I juggle working full time, my 7 month old son, grad school, family, friends, a house... my life.
I tell her, "I don't know how successful I am at it." And it is true. I am not sure I am handling things very well at all. Though my sweet boy is starting to sleep longer hours, thanks to cramming his potbelly with as much breast milk and "real" food as he can handle between 5 and 7 p.m., and I am starting to get a little more rest, I am still tired.
Here is my typical day:
3 to 4 a.m. ~ wake up because Tuck cries out... he usually goes back to sleep. I pee, down a class of water, start wondering if I am making enough milk, wonder when he will actually wake up, debate just getting up and staying up, start thinking about packing his meals for the day... eventually fall back asleep
6 or 6:30 a.m. ~ Tuck actually wakes up, I lament that at this point, there is no way I am getting to work until close to 9 a.m. Go get Tucker, who, God bless him, smiles at me, which at least makes the day start off a little better.
7 a.m. ~ Oh my gosh, it is already 7 a.m.?!?!?! Finish up breast feeding, grab my pump, start setting that up while Jon is changing Tuck and (fingers crossed) puts him back down again to sleep. Pump. And pump. And get really angry that milk is not coming out. And look at the clock.
7:30 a.m ~ I HATE PUMPING WHY IS IT ALREADY 7:30?!?!! So I squeeze and pinch and unhook the pump and hook it back in again and squeeze more. I then consider how my lovely breasts are going to touch my knees when this is all said and done.
7:35 a.m. ~ Get fed up with pumping. Get in the shower, get dressed, go pack Tuck's stuff for the day... all the while tiptoeing around so that I do not wake Tucker.... or Jon, who went back to bed. Grumble.
8:15 a.m. ~ Finally get out the door. Ravenously hungry. I eat pop tarts or Luna bars... whatever emergency snacks I can find in the car.
9:00 a.m. ~ Roll into work. Finally. Get on to my computer to find 13 messages from kids. All of them have 99%s in my class but they really need my help because they just don't know how they got something wrong on "that assignment". Which assignment? You are one of 150 kids. I don't know what you are working on. I don't know why you feel that 1 more point is something to squabble over. And, no, I am not going to give you the answer, so freaking a that means I need to spent an hour live with you trying to drag the answer out of your brain, which clearly has atrophied since your main reference for my class is Google instead of the textbook, my lessons, or actual learning.
1030 a.m. ~ efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff I have to pump again. Grab stuff. Go to dingy back room with TWO doors (only one of which I can lock, the other remains a mystery door that could potentially just open). Attempt to pump, but practically feel my nipple seize up every time a person walks by. And, by the way, the walls are like paper, so I know that not only can I hear them, but they can hear me... wheh, wheh, wheh, wheh....
11.15 a.m. ~ After squeezing the heck of sad nipples for the second time today and cleaning up, finally sit back down at my desk to another 15 messages.
"I don't understand this lesson."
Which lesson?
"The one for today."
Sigh.... Students are working all over the place in cyber school. Which lesson?
"Geologic Time"
Okay, what is tripping you up?
"The whole thing."
Did you watch the video I posted explaining how to do it exactly?
"Oh uhhmmm...."
Please do that before coming to me. I did not post that for my own health. Though I guess it could be argued that I did post it for my sanity. Who would have thought that I actually EXPLAIN stuff in my lessons? Who would have thought that you would actually have to COMPLETE the lesson to understand it?!
11:45 a.m. ~ Ravenous. If I have packed a sandwich, I already ate it. On top of a greek yogurt, a staggeringly huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, a canteen of water, and about 7 mints. And I did all that while doing all that other stuff. So now I have to go to the supermarket and pick up lunch.
12:45 p.m. ~ I have now consumed all food items. If I was feeling desperate, I did not eat at my desk. I actually ate with friends. More often than not though, I am eating at my desk helping all of those kids.
1:30 - 2:00 p.m ~ efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff pumping time.
2:00 p.m. ~ Oh, was I actually going to do some work today? All I have done is answer questions. I still have 500 assignments to grade (not an exaggeration... I literally had over 500 assignments to grade in one class. I have 2 other classes.), lessons to prepare, emails to answer... and I am supposed to be doing other stuff like "developing" myself. Like I have time to develop myself professionally. Right.
It is around this time of day that I spend a few minutes staring at pictures of my son. SERENITY NOW!
3:30 p.m. ~ The day is a wash. Although I should be staying until 5, if I stay much longer, I have to pump again, so I might as well just leave. I might have gotten in an hour of actual work that I needed to do. Maybe.
4:00 p.m. ~ At this point, I might be meeting my in-laws to pick up Tuck.... if not, I am usually dropping by the supermarket or Target to get some solo shop time in before racing home.
5:00 p.m. ~ I try to put something on for dinner. Mac and cheese? Yes. Then if I do not have Tuck yet, I go grab him, and the night becomes completely focused on him.
5:30 p.m. ~ nurse
5:45 p.m. ~ burp, change diaper, play
6:00 p.m. ~ everyone tries to eat dinner
6:30 p.m. ~ bath or play time
7:00 p.m ~ nurse
7:30 p.m. ~ bed time
But not bed time for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I have to go downstairs, go through Tuck's bag, clean all the bottles, clean up from dinner, drink more water, eat my second dinner, put on laundry, fold laundry, and somehow THIS is the time that I am supposed to study for grad school.
I am currently taking 1 class per semester. This class has a test every week on 1 chapter. Not so bad, right? But the class is advanced cellular biology (gag) and one chapter is eighty freaking pages. Because I have time to read that bs. Please. Oh, and the tests are proctored... no notes, no references, no internet, no nothing. I have to actually memorize stuff. While I agree memorizing stuff is great, I am an adult, and adults know how to look stuff up. I am responsible enough to still learn the bulk of the information and be able to use reference guides. I would not just google the answers, I promise. But I feel like, as an adult, I should be able to use my book and notes if I want to. BUT NO. I gotta remember stuff. And that stinks.
10:00 p.m. ~ Go up and get ready for bed. Or write a blog post, like right now, which will put me in bed close to 10:45. Let's hope the boy does not wake up tonight. He already cried out around 8 and went back to sleep.
Sooooo... back to my original thoughts here. I am truthfully not sure how well I am doing any of this. Working moms have this dilemma: we do not have the luxury of giving 100% to anything. While I am with Tucker, he has at least 90% of my attention, which I think is pretty good. The other 10% goes to things like dinner or prep for him for later... so it is still revolving around him. But Tucker only gets me 30% of our waking hours. That sucks. Yet, working allows me to save for his college, to feel free to buy him stuff whenever I feel like he needs it, to plan for future vacations, things like that. It also allows me to save for retirement so that I never have to burden him with taking care of me when I am old... even though he should because I totally take care of his butt right now. :)
Work certainly does not get much of my time. I am off on Fridays all day to spend with my son, which is amazing. But with all the pumping I do, it knocks out almost a full work day from the week. I am essentially working 3 days a week and trying to get work done that should take about 50 hours a week to do. So I am kind of screwing my students a bit too. I DO help them every single time that they ask, and I take my time, I do not rush them, and I am pretty darned patient, even if it means ignoring all of my other school responsibilities. But, sorry, I don't have time to call the kids who are getting a 57% and just need an extra push. And I don't have time to contact the parents of kids who are going downhill and should be worried about. This is not the year for it.
And then grad school. Ha. I am the definition of "cramming".
Oh, and friends? We try to have a social life.... but that is a bit pathetic too. I realized the other day that I actually prefer to spend time with my son over my friends. It is a tough realization... knowing that your priorities have changed so vastly. It is not that I do not care about them or like them or want to be part of their lives... but Tucker is just that much more important to me than anything (or anyone) else in the world.
So, ultimately, I guess I am doing the best I can at Life, which is perhaps just a nice way of saying "sub-par". I don't know how I do it. I don't know that I DO do it, if you know what I mean.
But I keep going. And going. And going.
A smart guy used to tell me that he would sleep when he was dead. My sentiments exactly.
I just desperately hope that I am doing right by my son. My choice to work is a hard one, and one I hope gets easier. I don't know what summer will bring, and I may be so happy at home that I cannot bear to go back. If that happens, we will make it work. It will cause other big changes, but we can hack them.
I know this post is a bit disjointed, but with all I am doing, can you blame me for having a somewhat fractured mind? And with that, off to bed, with visions of cellular protein signals dancing in my head.
This is something my mother says to me on a weekly basis. She does not know how I juggle working full time, my 7 month old son, grad school, family, friends, a house... my life.
I tell her, "I don't know how successful I am at it." And it is true. I am not sure I am handling things very well at all. Though my sweet boy is starting to sleep longer hours, thanks to cramming his potbelly with as much breast milk and "real" food as he can handle between 5 and 7 p.m., and I am starting to get a little more rest, I am still tired.
Here is my typical day:
3 to 4 a.m. ~ wake up because Tuck cries out... he usually goes back to sleep. I pee, down a class of water, start wondering if I am making enough milk, wonder when he will actually wake up, debate just getting up and staying up, start thinking about packing his meals for the day... eventually fall back asleep
6 or 6:30 a.m. ~ Tuck actually wakes up, I lament that at this point, there is no way I am getting to work until close to 9 a.m. Go get Tucker, who, God bless him, smiles at me, which at least makes the day start off a little better.
7 a.m. ~ Oh my gosh, it is already 7 a.m.?!?!?! Finish up breast feeding, grab my pump, start setting that up while Jon is changing Tuck and (fingers crossed) puts him back down again to sleep. Pump. And pump. And get really angry that milk is not coming out. And look at the clock.
7:30 a.m ~ I HATE PUMPING WHY IS IT ALREADY 7:30?!?!! So I squeeze and pinch and unhook the pump and hook it back in again and squeeze more. I then consider how my lovely breasts are going to touch my knees when this is all said and done.
7:35 a.m. ~ Get fed up with pumping. Get in the shower, get dressed, go pack Tuck's stuff for the day... all the while tiptoeing around so that I do not wake Tucker.... or Jon, who went back to bed. Grumble.
8:15 a.m. ~ Finally get out the door. Ravenously hungry. I eat pop tarts or Luna bars... whatever emergency snacks I can find in the car.
9:00 a.m. ~ Roll into work. Finally. Get on to my computer to find 13 messages from kids. All of them have 99%s in my class but they really need my help because they just don't know how they got something wrong on "that assignment". Which assignment? You are one of 150 kids. I don't know what you are working on. I don't know why you feel that 1 more point is something to squabble over. And, no, I am not going to give you the answer, so freaking a that means I need to spent an hour live with you trying to drag the answer out of your brain, which clearly has atrophied since your main reference for my class is Google instead of the textbook, my lessons, or actual learning.
1030 a.m. ~ efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff I have to pump again. Grab stuff. Go to dingy back room with TWO doors (only one of which I can lock, the other remains a mystery door that could potentially just open). Attempt to pump, but practically feel my nipple seize up every time a person walks by. And, by the way, the walls are like paper, so I know that not only can I hear them, but they can hear me... wheh, wheh, wheh, wheh....
11.15 a.m. ~ After squeezing the heck of sad nipples for the second time today and cleaning up, finally sit back down at my desk to another 15 messages.
"I don't understand this lesson."
Which lesson?
"The one for today."
Sigh.... Students are working all over the place in cyber school. Which lesson?
"Geologic Time"
Okay, what is tripping you up?
"The whole thing."
Did you watch the video I posted explaining how to do it exactly?
"Oh uhhmmm...."
Please do that before coming to me. I did not post that for my own health. Though I guess it could be argued that I did post it for my sanity. Who would have thought that I actually EXPLAIN stuff in my lessons? Who would have thought that you would actually have to COMPLETE the lesson to understand it?!
11:45 a.m. ~ Ravenous. If I have packed a sandwich, I already ate it. On top of a greek yogurt, a staggeringly huge bowl of cereal, a Luna bar, a canteen of water, and about 7 mints. And I did all that while doing all that other stuff. So now I have to go to the supermarket and pick up lunch.
12:45 p.m. ~ I have now consumed all food items. If I was feeling desperate, I did not eat at my desk. I actually ate with friends. More often than not though, I am eating at my desk helping all of those kids.
1:30 - 2:00 p.m ~ efffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff pumping time.
2:00 p.m. ~ Oh, was I actually going to do some work today? All I have done is answer questions. I still have 500 assignments to grade (not an exaggeration... I literally had over 500 assignments to grade in one class. I have 2 other classes.), lessons to prepare, emails to answer... and I am supposed to be doing other stuff like "developing" myself. Like I have time to develop myself professionally. Right.
It is around this time of day that I spend a few minutes staring at pictures of my son. SERENITY NOW!
3:30 p.m. ~ The day is a wash. Although I should be staying until 5, if I stay much longer, I have to pump again, so I might as well just leave. I might have gotten in an hour of actual work that I needed to do. Maybe.
4:00 p.m. ~ At this point, I might be meeting my in-laws to pick up Tuck.... if not, I am usually dropping by the supermarket or Target to get some solo shop time in before racing home.
5:00 p.m. ~ I try to put something on for dinner. Mac and cheese? Yes. Then if I do not have Tuck yet, I go grab him, and the night becomes completely focused on him.
5:30 p.m. ~ nurse
5:45 p.m. ~ burp, change diaper, play
6:00 p.m. ~ everyone tries to eat dinner
6:30 p.m. ~ bath or play time
7:00 p.m ~ nurse
7:30 p.m. ~ bed time
But not bed time for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I have to go downstairs, go through Tuck's bag, clean all the bottles, clean up from dinner, drink more water, eat my second dinner, put on laundry, fold laundry, and somehow THIS is the time that I am supposed to study for grad school.
I am currently taking 1 class per semester. This class has a test every week on 1 chapter. Not so bad, right? But the class is advanced cellular biology (gag) and one chapter is eighty freaking pages. Because I have time to read that bs. Please. Oh, and the tests are proctored... no notes, no references, no internet, no nothing. I have to actually memorize stuff. While I agree memorizing stuff is great, I am an adult, and adults know how to look stuff up. I am responsible enough to still learn the bulk of the information and be able to use reference guides. I would not just google the answers, I promise. But I feel like, as an adult, I should be able to use my book and notes if I want to. BUT NO. I gotta remember stuff. And that stinks.
10:00 p.m. ~ Go up and get ready for bed. Or write a blog post, like right now, which will put me in bed close to 10:45. Let's hope the boy does not wake up tonight. He already cried out around 8 and went back to sleep.
Sooooo... back to my original thoughts here. I am truthfully not sure how well I am doing any of this. Working moms have this dilemma: we do not have the luxury of giving 100% to anything. While I am with Tucker, he has at least 90% of my attention, which I think is pretty good. The other 10% goes to things like dinner or prep for him for later... so it is still revolving around him. But Tucker only gets me 30% of our waking hours. That sucks. Yet, working allows me to save for his college, to feel free to buy him stuff whenever I feel like he needs it, to plan for future vacations, things like that. It also allows me to save for retirement so that I never have to burden him with taking care of me when I am old... even though he should because I totally take care of his butt right now. :)
Work certainly does not get much of my time. I am off on Fridays all day to spend with my son, which is amazing. But with all the pumping I do, it knocks out almost a full work day from the week. I am essentially working 3 days a week and trying to get work done that should take about 50 hours a week to do. So I am kind of screwing my students a bit too. I DO help them every single time that they ask, and I take my time, I do not rush them, and I am pretty darned patient, even if it means ignoring all of my other school responsibilities. But, sorry, I don't have time to call the kids who are getting a 57% and just need an extra push. And I don't have time to contact the parents of kids who are going downhill and should be worried about. This is not the year for it.
And then grad school. Ha. I am the definition of "cramming".
Oh, and friends? We try to have a social life.... but that is a bit pathetic too. I realized the other day that I actually prefer to spend time with my son over my friends. It is a tough realization... knowing that your priorities have changed so vastly. It is not that I do not care about them or like them or want to be part of their lives... but Tucker is just that much more important to me than anything (or anyone) else in the world.
So, ultimately, I guess I am doing the best I can at Life, which is perhaps just a nice way of saying "sub-par". I don't know how I do it. I don't know that I DO do it, if you know what I mean.
But I keep going. And going. And going.
A smart guy used to tell me that he would sleep when he was dead. My sentiments exactly.
I just desperately hope that I am doing right by my son. My choice to work is a hard one, and one I hope gets easier. I don't know what summer will bring, and I may be so happy at home that I cannot bear to go back. If that happens, we will make it work. It will cause other big changes, but we can hack them.
I know this post is a bit disjointed, but with all I am doing, can you blame me for having a somewhat fractured mind? And with that, off to bed, with visions of cellular protein signals dancing in my head.
posted by FireWithin at 10:28 PM
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