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I hate exclusivity.  I hate hate hate it. 

I don't mean in terms of relationships or anything like that.  (Not looking for a threesome!  ew!   No sharing!)  I hate when people are part of a closed group.  I hate cliques.  I hate people who purposefully exclude others and the smugness of the "in" crowd, whoever that might be.  I hated it even when I was, I suppose, part of that group. 

A chance encounter with my former work spouse led me to write this entry.

I have written about her before, and have lamented the death of our friendship.  To summarize:  From my perspective, she had unrealistic expectations of what a friend should be, and was quite dramatic over perceived slights (i.e. I did not call her when I got home from school...  after I had been talking to her over IM all day..., I did not ditch my husband on the weekends to hang out with her).  She has a different perspective, which I think includes me being a horrible friend for various reasons.  And, who knows, maybe she was right.  I have been completely spoiled by some amazing people, whose friendship transcends time and distance.  In terms of love languages, "time spent" is very low ranking on what counts to me, and so I tend to give less time as well.  Unfortunate, that, because I think time was her #1.

Anyway, I ran into her.

And whoa, hate vibes.  The hate was literally rolling off of her.  When I walked into the room, she got up and left.  I think she probably went back to her desk, realized that she was being a pussy, and came back.  She proceeded to angle her whole body away from me, and snidely talk with her friend. 

Her friend is a little notorious around the office for being a bit snooty.  I don't know if she actually is or not...  I don't particularly care.  However, the friend was kinda sending me some hate daggers as well, so who knows what she thinks of me. 

So here I am writing about this, because it gets under my skin, and writing is the best way to release that.  Also, I am not exaggerating about this - I had a witness.

The underlying feeling I got during this encounter was just that - of exclusivity.  In the past month or so, this ex-friend has reconciled with all of the other friends she excommunicated last year.  I do not begrudge her that.  Yet whenever I see her with them, I get the same feeling:  Look at me, with them, and you are not included. 

I thought for awhile that maybe my reaction was unfounded and that maybe I was just sad over the loss of our friendship.  And I even thought that if there was an opportunity for us to fix things, I would be happy for it.  Now...  at least right now, no thanks.  I do not want any parts of that.  I do not have time in my life for junior-high style mind games.  I lead an extremely happy life, and I do not need someone like that in it. 

She is acting kind of like a bitch. 

Now bitch is not a word that I use often.  I reserve it for those that deserve it.  And I would never say she IS one.  No, no...  but she is acting like one.  And I am happy that my friends are again engaging her friendship.  I am glad they are all hanging out.  I am glad they are happy?  I think?  But I just don't have the time nor energy to devote to being in this "in crowd".  When I think about how much time it would take to navigate the complications of a friendship with this girl, and how much time I spent in the past...  Sigh.

It was not time wasted.  I learned a lot.  I have known for a long time that loving someone does not mean you can have a relationship with him.  She taught me that the same goes for friendships.  You can love someone, but have so much friction and tension in your friendship that it self-destructs, no matter how you try to "fix" it.  Before her, it has been a long time since I let a friend get so intertwined in myself that I got lost.  I was so wrapped up in her issues, I was not looking out for myself.  She has gotten me so emotionally sick that I have thrown up.  Literally.  Selflessness is not a bad thing, but that is sheer craziness.  Why do that?  Why persist in that? 

She has also served as a reminder that everyone has ugly sides, myself included.  I don't think she is truly a bad person, but she has issues, and she goes for blood sometimes.  I am above that.  I don't intend to sound egotistic or something...  but I am tired of letting her frustrate me, even from afar!  It has been about a year and a half since everything imploded, and yet she still bugs me.  I have to reflect and ask myself: why does she REALLY bother me so much?  Maybe it is because it was unresolved?  Maybe because we run into each other, like today, and she is so.....  nasty.  I can say she is the only person that I have ever known that I have seriously wanted to slap and tell to grow the f up. 

Still, I hate the feeling of exclusivity.  Note that this is different from hating to not be included.  That does not bother me at all.  I hate when people are part of a group and they are smug about it.  It makes me want to kick them in the face.  Like, why are you so self-important?

As a side note, this is why I have really enjoyed singing with Project Philly.  I do NOT get that feeling from them.  Maybe a little in the beginning because it had to be small by necessity.  But now, 8 (?) years later, it is so incredibly inclusive, and they work really hard to take as many singers as possible.  The people are loving and accepting and just enjoy being together.  For the most part, everyone I have come across there is friendly and welcoming.  

So there is my cathartic post.  I suppose I am just trying to remind myself that I do not need toxic people in my life, and she definitely is poisonous to me.  It is a shame that our combination is so explosive, because we had some really great times too.  Ahh well.

To Compare or Not To Compare.. (As if you had a choice)

My little one (also known as "LO", in stay at home mom [SAHM] blog-speak, which makes me want to vomit a little) is now 8 months old.  In fact, in a few days, he will be 37 weeks...  he basically has been out of my body just as long as he was in.  In that time, he has learned and grown so incredibly much.  Yet, as parents, we always seem to want more.  "I can't wait until he can walk...  run...  poop on potty...  talk to me...  drive a car!"  Perhaps I should not generalize...  for ME, I am always thinking about the next thing, and it can be hard for me to revel in the now.  Funny, that, because I feel like I am living second by second, just trying to scrape by sometimes, and while I constantly think of Tuck's future, I do not think one bit about my own.

With thinking about the future, you cannot help but compare your child to children around the same age or a little bit older.  You think to yourself, wow, if they are doing that now, that is what MY kid will be doing in a few weeks/months/years. You do it so that you can prepare yourself for what is next.  For example, I know that I really ought to babyproof soon.  Chances are we will wait til it is too late...  but we know it is coming, because we know babies who are a bit older who are getting mobile.

So, in a sense, comparison can be a good thing.  But it can be really disheartening too.  

I get emails every week from Mom365 and TheBump.  Each one starts out with a perky "Your baby is now X weeks old!"  It goes on to tell you what your baby is currently doing.  

Or, in Tucker's case, not doing.

It is not that I think Tuck is developmentally delayed or has a serious issue or anything like that.  We have seen absolutely no signs of trouble yet.  But holy cow, it is depressing when you hear that, by now, my baby should not only be rolling across the floor, but fluent in Russia, able to ride a unicycle, and can solve a Rubik's Cube.  

Okay, it is not that bad, but sometimes it feels that way!

Last week, the email said that by now, my child has solidly developed his pincer grip (nope) and probably has a few teeth (none whatsoever) and is "incredibly mobile" (no way!).  Well, thanks, that is great.  My son does exactly 0 of those things.

At daycare, there is a little girl named Olivia who is, I think, a week younger than my son.  When I see them at the end of the day, she is rolling all over the place, babbling up a storm, into every toy in the place.  (She also had a ridiculously runny nose yesterday...  grr....)  And then there is Tucker.  My sweet adorable smiley baby.  He sits like a champ.  He watches.  He waits.  And if he falls over, unlike the lithe Miss Olivia, he and his girth get kinda stuck.  Commence grunting and crying.

And then there is my good friend, whose daughter is 5 weeks older than Tucker.  (Hi, I know you are reading this!  Love you!)  Her daughter is awesome and SO AMAZING AT EVERYTHING.  I try to remind myself that during this first year, 5 weeks difference is big.  Plus, she was a week late, and he 3 weeks early...  so really they are more like 8 or 9 weeks apart.  That is huge.  It is.  It is.  It is.  

BUT...............

I remember when she started getting teeth and I was like oh, wow, Tuck is drooling buckets, I bet he, too, will start getting chompers in a few weeks.  Nah.  And she is clapping and such a wiggle worm and she plays peek a boo with herself and says ma ma and da da.

Tucker is really good at one thing:  eating.  Man, can that kid eat, and he likes everything.  But then my friend's daughter just had chicken nuggets.  CHICKEN NUGGETS!  Tuck is just figuring out how to eat baby mum mums without gagging.  On Tuesday night, we gave him Chex cereal and he was mightily confused, though he would eat them if we put them in his mouth.  Last night, he was actually picking them up and putting them in his mouth, though he was still making a disgusted/confused face.  Still, I feel like this kid is going to be on purees for-ev-er!

Anyway, I cannot help but compare.  I know that every kid is different.  Like I said, I am not concerned that Tucker is developmentally delayed, and so far, he is not showing any signs of anything like autism or anything else.  Probably, like his mom, he will just do things when he feels like it.

I remember trying to get him to sit.  He would constantly fall right over.  He was too chunky for a Bumbo, so we would sort of sit him in a Boppy and that helped a bit.  But still, he pretty much sucked at it.  And then, one day, he could sit.  And then, 4 or 5 days later, he could catch himself when he started to fall to the sides.  All of a sudden, he could just do it.  It makes me think of another friend whose 3 (almost 4) year old son wrote his name the other day.  She asked him how long he has known how to do it, and he responded that he has known forever.  I suspect Tucker of doing the same thing.  Bam!  I sit.  Bam!  I eat solids.  Bam!  I roll.

And rolling is sort of a funny story, because people sort of roll their eyes when I tell them this, but here it goes:

I was wracking my brain for a way to motivate Tuck to roll over.  I was convinced he knew how to do it, but just did not have a reason to.  Then, about 2 weeks ago, we found out what he really wants in life:  to walk.  Wow, does he desperately want to walk!  So, when he is laying on his back, we hold out our hands in a certain way, and he will grab them and pull himself to standing.  This is when he gets a HUGE smile on his face.  So I realized, if I want to motivate him to roll, I really need to tie it to standing.

I made a bargain with Tucker.  And yes, I verbally explained to him that this is how life is now....  When we are doing tummy time, and he is tired of being on his tummy (which he shows us by starting to grunt/moan), he has to roll over before I will help him stand. After explaining this, I put him on his belly, and when he was groaning, I helped him roll over, made a happy fuss when he did, then held out my hands to help him stand up.

It took about 3 times of doing this (and showing him how to roll by moving his one arm) that he caught on and started rolling over on his own.

Now the kid will never learn to crawl because he often flops right over in the hopes of standing up and walking around while holding our hands.  Sigh.



But I digress...

The original intent of this post was to talk about comparison.  In some ways, we do not have a choice.  I have no idea how to raise a baby.  I am doing the best I can.  And I don't really want to read books about it or scour the internet.  I want to learn from moms that I trust and care about and see.  It takes a village, right?  But it is a double-edged sword.  

Tuck will do things in his own time.  I know this.  And I have to love the now.  Already, I look back and have realized that his baby book is quickly getting full, and I will never ever have those times back.  I will never ever make more memories of his infancy and babyhood. So I really need to enjoy the today with him and what he is able to do.  

He is beautiful and chubby and smiles when he sees me, and he is basically the most fantastic creature I have ever seen.  So it is okay if he never crawls and just up and runs some day.  Every person has things they are advanced in and things they are behind in.  I intend to enjoy him as he is this moment, which is awesome.