this is me being depressed.

This is me being depressed. Its 2:22 on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Ethan left this morning, we said goodbye last night. I got planning done for biology yesterday and today I have spent wading in chemistry, hating my text book, hating myself for not knowing Chemistry well enough to ditch the text. I have to leave for work in approximately 7 minutes.

There were ups and downs to vacation... I did not get done as much as I wanted to, but at least Ethan was home. I think I had 2 seperate emotional breakdowns, which isnt exactly listed on the ups side.... I am just so sick of my current situation, and I am not sure what to do...

I am sick and tired of being so far away from my boyfriend. I hate that every time he comes, its like an emotional rollercoaster for us both and it totally throws off our groove. (ref: Emporer's New Groove) Its very difficult to maintain a serious relationship for 2.5 years when we have been apart practically the whole time.

I am also sick and tired of school. Its so difficult. I knew that it was going to be hard.... but its SO hard. Every day, I like it less.... the only reason I want to stay is because I cant give up on the kids. I dont agree with the educational model of my school and I am being squished from every side. Its stressing me out so much that when I have the time to relax, I cant, because I cant stop thinking about school and how I dont know it well enough to be at ease.
This week we are starting genetics in biology. They will be learning about dominant and recessive traits, phenotype, genotype, alleles, genes, homozygous, heterozygous, punett squares, mendel and his pea plants, monohybrid and dihybrid crosses, and meiosis this week. THIS week. Its not that I dont love it, because I do, and I think they will have fun with it, but so much goes into it on my part... its just tough.
Chemistry will be talking about minerals and resources... then skipping to redox reactions and balancing equations. And as I said, the book is crap. I was reading one of the practice problems and it mentions how F or something usually forms an anion due to the charge.... yeah... well guess what, the book has NEVER taught them how to use the periodic table to find charges. So now I have to go back and teach them about electron levels and how to know if your element is likely to give up electrons or gain electrons.... something which will take a lot of time and effort on my part to re-learn.
Who knows what physical science is doing this week. I really have no clue.

I am just so emotionally, physically, and mentally burnt out. I am really starting to doubt whether or not I was really meant to be a teacher. I dont know if I am doing a good job. I know its killing me though. I am absolutely miserable, and im not really sure what to do about it.

I talked to my mom about it... she thinks that there will never really be a time in my life when I am this free.... she thinks I should quit in January and move to Florida. Its tempting. Its also tempting to take a micro job at the hospital... they have one for every thurs and fri and every other sat or something. I could do that and fill in otehr days of the week. im just so freakin stressed out... I dont want to be soured on teaching, but I just cant handle what I have on my plate right now. What am I supposed to do?



I guess go to work, since its time.

the work blog

Yeah, writing from work, not a shock. ARGGGG. I have this stupid urine that wont run thru the machine and its ANNOYING me. so I gotta go do it by hand. so apparently this is going to be al ot shorter than I originally thought.

body language

Before I start telling you how AWESOME the body worlds exhibit is at the Franklin Institute, let me guide you towards a link Ethan sent to me. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/17/AR2005111701304.html Its a fantastic editorial on evolution, Dover, and Kansas and it basically sums up everything I feel about being a christian and a scientist and consents to both the supreme holiness of God and that lil theory called "evolution". I was glad he passed it on to me because I am normally really bad at expressing my views. This is perfect. So if you are at all interested in how I can believe in God and still teach evolution and agree that there is NO room for creationism or intelligent design in the classroom.... please click. :)


AAAAaaaannnnd on to the main show....




the BODY WORLDS exhibit at the Franklin Institute is just freakin awesome. If you are in the philly area and have the chance to check ito ut, its worth the investment of your time and money. In case you have not heard about the exhibit, Body Worlds gives you a peek into whats under your skin. There are over a dozen real bodies that people have donated over the years and the creator has stripped of our largest organ, the skin. At the exhibit you can see all of the major body systems: muscular, skeletal, circulatory, locomotive, and nervous. And it was sooooooo cool!!!!!!
My family went for my dads 60th birthday, which is on tuesday. Though the exhibit was crowded, the pace was decent. If you go, I suggest the earliest show, at 9:30, and investing in an electronic tour guide. I think probably my mom and I got the most out of it because she was listening to the headphones explain things in greater detail and I have enough medical and biological background to understand exactly what I was looking at. So yeah, if you go, get one, or take me with you. :)
The exhibit had bodies in all sorts of different ways. The first half of the exhibit showed mostly men. There was a really ripped basketball player and he demonstrated the muscular system. There was another man simply holding all of his skin... one of the more artistic pieces. And that brings me to the point that although this seems gruesome... it was absolutely beautiful. Most of the bodies were shockingly artistic, fileted and spliced to show the inside, but posed in a way that made it very asthetically pleasing. It was not at all like going to see autopsies, and there was no smell. The lighting was done well, and the walls hung with large draperies with philosophical quotes printed on them. It was really neat.
The second half of the exhibit had more women. One of the neatest things was the room with the babies. I know it sounds gross, and a lot of people didnt want to go in, but it showed babies in various stages of developement. The centerpiece of the room was a young woman, probably a few years older than me, with a baby still inside her. They said that she knew she was going to die and that the baby could not be saved, so she donated to the exhibit. Um, how COOL is that? She was laying in sort of a playboy model type of pose with her abdomen and part of the placenta cut away to show the baby (probably about 6 or 7 months) curled up inside her. The amazing part of this was that although its disturbing to look at dead babies, it filled me with awe that a female can do that. After walking through the room, my brother came out saying geez, im so glad im not a girl. And I was like, wow, im so happy that I AM. To be able to have a child.... its just amazing.
Overall, the exhibit gives you a deeper appreciation for your own body and for its amazing conception and creation. In the article in the link above, the author explains how scientists like Einstein saw how perfect and simple yet utterly complex the universe is and design, and therefore MUST be divine. I saw the same thing in us yesterday. It was really neat, and im so glad that I got to go.

If you are wondering about how the heck they did it, check out the franklin institutes web site, they tell you alllll about it. And please, if you go, I would love to hear your opinion. I thought it was awesome.... oh, and I almost forgot to tell you the best part. For several of the exhibits, they pumped plastic into the circulatory system, and chemically dissolved the body, leaving the amazing viens and arteries in place. It was sooooo freakin cool. Me and Chris liked that the best. So yeah, go see it, I learned a lot yesterday. Also, go see the IMAX movie about the body worlds, it was extremely informative and interesting. AAAAAaaaaaand they pop a zit in gigantic imax glory. check it out.

effing cold

Let me just explain to you how cold it is in my house today....

Its so effing cold that even my cat, in her multitude of fur, is sitting on top of the heating vent.

monday monday

Its Monday, and for some reason I ususally end up blogging on Mondays or over the weekend. Anyway, the weekend was pretty good. The boy was home, which I always enjoy... we did not do a whole lot, and hopefully over the holidays we can actually hang out with friends. It would be nice, I think.

My day was okay today... though in the morning I had no desire to be at school. I think these weekends where I have fun and hang out with friends really kinda puts a damper on the whole teaching thing. I would much prefer skipping school to being there... though getting paid is a nice nice thing.

My chem class was okay today... we got stuff accomplished, but they are so dead that its difficult to tell whether or not they really understand what the bleep is going on. We are talking about solubility, then about heavy metals, then about molecular compounds. OBVIOUSLY ChemCom has no discernable order of events. I dislike it intensely and part of me wants to just rip apart the next unit and teach it as informational text so I dont have to freakin talk about fish kills and that crud.

Biology was decent. 4th period actually came in and got to work, which impressed me greatly and put me in a much better mood than I had previously been in. Oh wait, skipped lunch, one of my students came in to talk to me about video games. I dont have many for Game Cube so it was hard to converse with him about a lot.

Anyway, 4th was okay. we talked about isotonic, hypertonic, and hypotonic solutions. Then we talked about active and passive transport. then we talked about endocytosis (cells eating something up) and exocytosis (cells pooping stuff out) And yes, I put taht in the notes. And yes, they giggledl ike 5 yr olds. But I think they got the point.

6th was okay... theres some drama going on... one of my girls has been going with a guy for about a year or so now. Just found out he was sneaking around her back with one of her friends... And all of them are all taking sides and stuff... fortunately the girl he cheated on her with isnt in the class, but EVERYONE else was. sigh. so bio was a lil high strung, but we got thru what I wanted to get thru.

7th was okay... physical science... we got thru things, but I just wanna kill them most days. I love them personally, but they dont shut up. I had 5 students ask me what "soln" stood for (solution)... if they had been NOT talking, then they would have heard it the first time. freakin kids. grumble.

Jon also made my day that much more lovely by rubbing it in my face that he got out of work around 12:30 and I was stuck at school.


I guess all of this is pretty boring, and I am sorry if I offend.... im also starving, so I think im going to go make some dinner and read Newsweek. I think later we are going to make snickerdoodles. yuuummmmm.




In the meantime, please pray that I keep my sanity until Thanksgiving break. I really dont want to kill them before then.

fall pictures

Be Jealous.

for you.

You said you wanted some pictures of me... :)

This was Monday I think... im obviously distraught that you went back to Florida.



And this is on Tuesday... my kids said I looked pretty. I think I look tired. Whatever.

And here we are in the Petra t shirt... I was using the automatic timer... it is a bit blurry, but thats not my fault.

close up. again looking tired. but the shirt is fabulous. <3

And this would be later in the week on Friday... I was laying out in the yard with Lily... I will have to put up the "fall" pictures in another post.

And here is Sat before I went to work. looking stunning. haha.

And finally today... so there you have it sweets... (apologies to anyone else who reads this blog who is not my boyfriend) They are not terribly wonderful, but if you check out the next post I will put some fall pictures up so that you can be insanely jealous of Pennsylvania. ily

yawn

Well, it is Wednesday. Fortunately for me, the kids have off on Thursday and Friday and I get to experience the joy of SLCs. SLC stands for Student Learning Conferences. Apparently, during these conferences. parents are supposed to come in with their kids and I get to tell them straight up if they are good or bad. I am slightly nervous, but I think it will go well. The other bad news is that I have to be at work from 8 am to 8 pm tomorrow, not something I am looking forward to.... but the other teachers say I will get a lot of work done and the school provides jammin food for us at meal time. Sigh. we shall see.

In other news, I so want to move to Florida. I miss Ethan.

And in even other news, I am gaining friends on MySpace because my STUDENTS know that I have a page, so they all want to add me. hilarious. Their MySpaces are soooooo funny, they look all pimped out. Because my kids wear uniforms, its really hard to distinguish them and know what they are like in real life... just like when I go into work at the hospital in normal clothes and the people there are used to seeing me look ilke poop all the time and wearing scrubs... its just odd. So yeah. Myspace makes me laugh.





By the way, that picture is obviously what I look like today. For your viewing pleasure. I look tired. and I think in 50 years my head will be permenantly wrinkled like that from making so many faces. Anyway, I need sleep.



ily.