sicky

Well its 5 am. I have officially been awake for an hour... I debated for a good half hour whether or not to call out of work. Around 4:25 I text messaged my academy director (I figured she would not appreciate a call THIS early)... and then I came down and put my info into subfinder.... then I emailed my lead teachers and the academy director my lesson plans for today, lest they have no idea what to do with my kids.

I went to the doctor yesterday... she checked me out for literally no more than 3 minutes, gave me Zithromax, and sent me packing with encouragements to drink and sleep. I am trying, but apparently the sleep is not going to well. I took the req 2 doses of the Z pack last night in the middle of dinner.... and promptly threw it up later. :( Course that was after my IBS was acting up due to a stray egg roll I ate for lunch. My appetite isnt gone, but apparently my body just cant handle eating pizza for lunch, an eggroll for a snack, and chicken pot pie from Wegs for dinner.

So yes, its now 5:01. But dont worry, I dont think I typed all that in one minute. I think I rounded up before.

I am not sure what I will do with my day... I will hopefully fall back asleep. (crosses fingers) I have two christmas presents to make... and a TON to wrap. I finished up my bro yesterday after the doctors appt. Its a good thing this doesnt have audio, bc all you could hear right now would be sniffles and coughs. I feel so disgusting when im sick. yuck. And oh yeah, the doc said that its all in my head (the cold) and that its draining down the back of my throat and coating my vocal cords which is why I have no voice. Have I mentinoed that I sound like a donkey? Its a bit better today, but more coughing and more painful. I love being sick during the holidays. (sarcasm abounds)




Well, its 5:04 now, I guess I will try to go back to sleep until 6, when I have to wake up to actually call the academy director, unless she texts me back... which would kind of be really wierd.

here I am

Well here I am at school... its 11:13 as I begin to write this, and my kids will show up in about 10 minutes. Its going to be a good week, mostly because I am not really doing anything. I am showing a movie. Tomorrow my kids have projects due.

I am showing my students American History X. Its a phenomenal movie, and it makes a great point. Although I do not think racism is a huge problem here because it is such a mixed school, it does exist. The 10th grade lit class is finishing up Night by Elie Wiesel, an excellent book which chronicles the Holocaust. I thought a lot about what movie I wanted to show this week, and I wanted them to get something out of it. Truth be told, there are not a lot of great SCIENCE movies out there.... plenty of sci-fi, but nothing that really teaches you anything. I brought in The Fifth Element, but I decided to instead use my extra time to tie into Literature. We will see how they like it.

I did not sleep well last. I worked on various odds and ends... put together a christmas present for my mom, typed some things for her, did a bit of schoolwork... I went to actual bed around 11, then I read Memoirs of a Geisha for about an hour. I have one short chapter left... I had forgotten how mesmerizing the book is and, fortunately for me, I could not remember the ending. Its amazing to me that its a memoir... as in, a real story. I am not sure how the movie is, but I do want to go see it. I have heard it is romanticized too much... but the geisha culture is fascinating to me.... perhaps the first thing outside of gross stuff (diseases, microbiology, mental health problems, etc) that really catches my attention. As it says in the book, most people think that geishas are merely glorified prostitutes... and most crass americans would still agree with that.... but it was a culture, a tradition, a way in which women were simultaneously honored and degraded for their sex. Its just really interesting to me.

I woke up at 5:20 after a horrible dream. I dreampt (??) that I was in some sort of war.... and someone forced me to take a pill. After I took the pill, I could not control my body, I could barely lift my arms or move my legs... I could not control what I was saying or doing... and then there was this demon. I dont know if it was real or just in my head, but it was so scary and it was trying to bite me, and I grabbed its lower teeth with my hand and was trying to get the sharp teeth away from my face... it was so scary.



and they are here.... sigh... time to be a teacher again.

HOLY COW!!!

um.....




I QUIT MY JOB!





Yes, its insane, I know. So I wrote my resignation letter last night and solicited a few peer reviews (thank you!) and I went into school this morning armed and ready. I told my lead teacher in the morning... the VP in the afternoon, and I caught the principal after school. She really did not have anything to say. I went in, and she aws like so, you thought about things, and I said yes, you are probably giong to hate me. And she said yeah, probably. I told her I thought about it a lot, but I decided to leave. And she said...

"okay."



I was like ummmmm arent you going to yell at me? But she didnt, it was very short and sweet, she said she understood. She was like have you written a resig.... and I cut her off by pulling the letter out of my pocket. She asked if I had a date, I said Jan 20th, the day the 2nd quarter officially ends. So shes like good, that will give us time. She asked if I would be interested in something part time, I said maybe, to keep me posted. I told her I would help her find a new teacher in any way possible and I will definitely be leaving materials for whoever shows up next. Its good. :)



In other news, ITS BEEN A GREAT DAY!!!! a few weeks ago, one of MY precious students stole a laptop from our mobile laptop lab... they pinned it down to my class, and I thought it could be one of 5 kids cuz 5 of them had the computers and I wasnt physically with them when they put them back. Well, it wasnt any of those 5. I mentioned it to my class that one was missing, that it was pinned on 6th period.... so finally, god bless her, one of my students came forward and told me. She said it was not fair for me and for the class to be punished just cuz one person was a jerk. So she told me who it was... and its sad, cuz most likely they will kick the boy out of school. Its a shame. he took the computer to get back at the staff for eating his pizza that he illegally ordered to be delivered in the middle of school. sigh. pride will always get you. So yes, they called the cops, the cops picked up the kid, they went and got the laptop, now hes going to have a board hearing and I cant imagine they will let him stay. Its terrible cuz he really is a NICE kid and we get along... b ut he does bad things. Anyway, I wanted to jump up and down and hug this girl for telling me, its wonderful to have it resolved before I leave the school. Everything is falling into place with the school situation, and im beyond pleased.


I also think I am going to wrap up everything I wanted to accomplish first semester. like, magically, we are as far as I predicted myself being. chemistry is wrapping up the second unit.... biology is wrapping up genetics. I never thought I would get to those spots, but its fallen together. i am so happy. :)






So number 1 is more or less accomplished. decision made, I have taken the steps... there is the aftermath... the clean up, moving out of my classroom.... its amazing how much I ahve accumulated in like 6 months. I need to purchase a storage unit of some sort. there are odds and ends there... getting back money from my classroom budget, writing midterms, etc etc. But im pleased. making decisions is wonderful.






And so on to other decisions.

occum's razor

This weekend was pretty awful.

Both of my parents gave me seperate advice on Sunday, but the overwhelming theme of both speechs was to take the most simple avenue. This is known as Occum's Razor. Most often, the most simple answer is correct and thinking beyond the most simple answer is basically complicating issues and making them more confusing.

An example of this is: I am unhappy. School is one item making me unhappy. Apply Occum's razor. The most simple way to deal with this is to leave school. And so I am doing it. In fact, I am probably going to sit down with the principle in about 3 hours. And yes, I am freaked out. I dont know what I am going to say... But all of that complicates the issue. Basically, leaving school will make my life much more simple, so thats what I am going to do. I have the support of my friends and family and they have also come to the same conclusion: teaching at Ren is not working out for me.



There are other things that are not working out for me right now. I have been advised by both parents (and I respect their opinion) to cut the crap and make a simple decision. The bottom line is to figure out what I want, and everything else will fall into place after that. Don't make decisions about the afterwards stuff until you have made the base decision of what I want. When deciding about school, I was caught up in the kids, and how it would affect my career later, and money, and all that stupid stuff... but that comes after. the decision was Do I want to be at school or not? And the answer was no. So worry about all that stuff LATER.

it has also been pointed out to me that I am not a 100% person. I guess it was something that I have always known but never really realized. I am my father's daughter. Its unfortunate, really. I can never give 100% to something.... except, most likely, my children. My father, for example, had a four year relationship with a woman named Martha. Martha lived in Florida for 2 or 3 years of that relationship. In the end, he started dating my mother. He applied Occum's razor. Martha is in Florida. I do not want to move to Florida. I have someone here that makes me happy. Ditch Martha. My dad could not give 100% to Martha, even though he was interested in seeing it out... yet it wasnt on his terms, so he didnt do it.

I am like my father because its also very difficult for me to give it all. I need the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. For example, when I quit my job, I would like to start working out. I need the freedom to pick up and do that. I need the freedom to go see my friends when I want, or go to bed when I want. Its difficult for me to accomodate all the way. My dad said the only time he has given up his freedom was in having kids, that he knew he just kissed 25 years of his life away. He accepted it and moved on. It was a life altering decision, but he sucked it up and has dealt with the consequences ever since.

We all come to those crossroads. Right now I feel like several of them are conveining at once. Its diffcult to make multiple life altering decisions at the same time. I have decided about school, and that changes my life completely. I have made the choice, but what comes next? Now I have to deal with the consequences. But there are also other life altering decisions... making them all at once is a horrible thing, because every day you are taking your life in a new direction.


So the first step is making the decision. The second one is figuring out what it takes to accomplish the results you would like to see from the decision. the third step is following through. I have difficulty with the first and third, unfortunately.... But i have used occums razor recently...


1. I am unhappy because I am not living the life I want to leave
2. What will give me that life? Not being at Renacad, saving money, doing some things I would like to do (karate or working out or singing), substituting to learn about other schools, and having a boyfriend that I can see on a daily basis
3. How to follow through.... quit Renacad, work more at the hospital, when I have time join a gym or start karate at pinnacle, sign up with sub service and cciu, and the last is yet to be determined....




So just pray for me, cuz I really need it right now. Ethan sent me some verses yesterday that made me cry (in a good, painful way) so maybe some of you need them right now too.

Pslam 105: 1-5
1 Oh, give thanks to the LORD!
Call upon His name;
Make known His deeds among the peoples!
2 Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him;
Talk of all His wondrous works!
3 Glory in His holy name;
Let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD!
4 Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!
5 Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth,



i am trying to remember that God is always forever working towards our good. And everything that happens, happens for a reason. there is nothing God does not know about, and nothing He is suprised about. There is nothing He does not forgive us for, and nothing that He would go back and change. I am trying to accept and move on. there is no point in feeling guilty. there is no point in tearing myself up for things. the only reason to dwell is to learn and to say, I am not who I ought to be. But I am continually refining myself... there are no steps back. Its all in the way you look at things because every mistake is a gain if you want it to be. Every poor decision leads to better decisions in the future. I hope some day that I learn. I hope to be who I want to be. I hope this misery doesnt last and I know that some day (hopefully sooner than later) things will be closer to how I wish them to be.

So a few decisions have been made and there are more to come. I pray for wisdom and courage. I know that I will do whats right.

it SNOWED

giggle.

Ummmm snow days are the bestest days EVER!!!!!!

I have been in the BEST mood for the past week because I am gonna quit my job. I mean, I love my kids, but when it comes down to it, I gotta show love to my friends and family and sweet boyfriend, and I have been slacking in all those areas.... so I think its just time. And here is a picture of me being happy!

So yes, decision made... and the plan is to hopefully pick up more hours at the hospital, get health insurence there, sign myself up with subfinder at the cciu and start checking out schools in the area to see if I can fiti n there. I want to be in a place where I am not so bogged down with 3 subjects that I cant focus on the kids. And if you are not focusing on the kids, you are being a bad teacher anyway. SOOOO im pumped. whee. and it snowed. and I slept in til 11:30. awesome.

theres only one thing missing, and hes coming home in two weeks. :)

so I think

So I think I am leaving my job. I thought a lot about life and things over the weekend while I was sick... talked to my mom for a good two hours... and when it comes down to it, I am not happy there. I am finding little to no joy in teaching the kids, even though I love them to bits. Even when I am teaching something I love (genetics) to them and actually caught there attention.... at the end of the day, im still miserable. And I dont think its me being unsatisfied with how well i am teaching them... partially unsatisfied with their response.... but mostly unsatisfied with the structure I have been given to teach within.

Its been a long road to this point, and I am miserable over it. Ive spent so many hours crying and talking and debating and going back and forth... and here I am. My mom made some very valid points during our discussion, and what she said made a lot of sense to me....

1. obviously I am unhappy there. everything I say confirms that
2. im sick, I havent been sick in a few years, which shows im way too stressed out
3. I am crying over school almost once a week
4. there are other great opportunities to learn and figure out where I want to work
5. I have the freedom to do what I want

No. 5 is a pretty big sticking point.... she made a lot of sense when she explained to me that I will never in my life really have an opportunity to kick back without obligation. Here is a time in my life where I can do what I want, go where I want, without too many ramifications. Sure, I have bills. But I have a wonderful job at the hospital to cover those. I can substitute one or two days a week, work at the hospital.... and go home at night NOT thinking about my kids, NOT thinking about grading, NOT thinking about 3 different quizzes I need to make up and 50 papers I need to read. Three subjects.... its so much more work than you would ever think... esp when you care.... esp when you want to give them everything youve got. But it tears me up too.... Why couldnt they have just let me teach bio? I dont think they understand how insane it is to make up so many different worksheets and papers and ideas and notes and tests and quizzes and midterms..... crap. I have to write 3 midterms. :(

So here I am.... what will I do with my time? What is my plan?

I would like to sub one or two days a week... work at the hospital enough to pay my bills / save money / have health insurence. I would like to start working out... either start taking karate at pinnacle, or just workingo ut in general..... I would like to sing more.... either voice lessons or just getting involved somewhere. So thats what I would like to do.... I would like to start saving money to move to Florida. yes, move to florida. I dont know if it will actually happen or not... but at least I have to kinda plan if I might actually want to do that within the 06 year.

sigh. prayers are appreciated while I am making this decision. the hardest part is not feeling like a wuss or a failure... and not feeling like I am abandoning them. just pray for me.