sometimes...

sometimes when I am working in microbiology, and I am pouring urine over into a cup to put on the instrument, it smells really bad... and I cant help but thinking that that smell is actually tiny molecules of pee.... someone else's pee.... are going up my nose and into my body




sometimes I get really excited by beautiful days, and I think the same thought (that it really IS a nice day) several times during the day, and every time I feel the same suprise and enjoyment




sometimes I wonder, to be honest, why God deserves all the glory... sometimes the whole thing seems selfish... and then I feel utterly horrible for thinking it, but I cant help it




sometimes I am hurting, and I want to reach out to my friends, but I dont because it makes me feel vulnerable, and that is difficult for me to willingly do




sometimes when I am in my car driving home, I dont want to drive home, I want to drive off somewhere without telling anyone and then maybe come back after a few days... I dont think I would do anything special or go anywhere in particular... just away




sometimes I find fuzzies in my belly button... its pretty rare.... sometimes I find fuzzies in other people's belly buttons... I dont think they like that so much




sometimes people say things that make me feel embarassed, but I pretend to be okay with talking about it just so that they do not have to know.... and sometimes I willingly bring up those topics because I am trying to get over it myself




sometimes I break things on purpose




sometimes I want to just do whatever I want without consequences and occasionally I fake myself into believing that I can... and when I do, I end up hurting myself, but even more importantly, people I care about




sometimes I just want to dance with someone who knows how to dance with me




sometimes I sing in the shower in italian or latin




sometimes I think about what it would be like if I went out and did something I wanted to do, instead of something that I needed to do or had to do... say, for example, work on a boat as a sailor, or tap dance, or get a tattoo, or dye my hair fuscia.... I think about it, but I dont do it, and I hope I do some day




sometimes I dont care




sometimes I pull out my mom's old barbie from the late 50's, early 60's and look at all of her clothes and shoes and accessories... its much better made than anything today, and it reminds me of the girl I never was




sometimes I get so lost in people that I forget to pay attention to what they are saying because I am so much more interested in their eyes and their souls than what comes out of their mouths




sometimes there is a fly in my bedroom and it wakes me up from a deep sleep because I am scared that it will die on the ceiling over my bed and fall into my mouth... if it doesnt do that, it will fall into my covers or onto my face, and I will squish it against my skin and I just cant have that




sometimes I purposefully try to look good.... but usually I dont, cuz I am a bad judge anyway




sometimes I need to be needed by my kids or by someone, and when I dont feel needed, I feel lonely




sometimes I want to smack people upside the head repeatedly




sometimes, when i was younger (not now, I swear), I used to bite my nails.... my toenails




I could probably go on forever with the strange and random things that I do or think, but thats probably enough divuldging for now.

things that are sadly beautiful

I think this is probably a post that I will have to update a few times before I get a comprehensive list... but sometimes things just strike me... and they make me so sad. Its not a bad sad, but a beautiful sad... like the simplicity strikes me, or the emotion behind something. I dont think im doing a very good job of explaining this feeling. Maybe you will understand once you read the list..


1. they way that my mom tries to make my birthday special makes my heart ache. usually my birthday is a lonely thing... but the fact that she loves me so much that she makes sure to buy a cheesy balloon and a small ice cream cake just hits home, so much so that its difficult not to cry around her on my birthday. its just so beautiful, a mothers love for her child, even when her child is no longer a child

2. similar to my birthday is the way that my mom puts up holiday decorations. they were never really for her, but for my brother and i. this year, the lone halloween decoration was a ghost and pumpkin longenberger basked liner on the kitchen table. how tragic. in years past, my brother and I would revel in halloween decorations, placing a 5 ft paper skeleton on the inside of the front door that made us bolt up the stairs at night with the creepy feeling of being followed by it. But that my mother still decorates... it makes me long for childhood.

3. the lone tomato in the fridge that has been there for two weeks. you know, a lot of these do have to do with my mother. maybe its just cuz in growing up and getting closer to the age where I will have my own children, im starting to understand a mothers love a bit better. anyway, the tomato almost makes me weep... every time my mom goes food shopping, she gets some sort of perishable item (several usually) and they go bad, and then she yells at us for not eating it... simply put, we cant keep up with the influx of fruit and veggies.... but she still buys some every week. And every week something different goes bad. this week its the tomato... the next week yogurt... the week after that strawberries... and then some green beans. we try to keep up, we do... but we never manage. but she still does it cuz she wants us to never want, she wants us to be healthy and to eat right, even though she would never eat any of the food I just mentioned. its just beautiful.

4. it makes me really sad sometimes to see older people food shopping by themselves. I wonder if I will be like that some day. given my genes, im probably going to live to 100. both grandparents on my moms side are close to 90. my grandparents on my dads side, 1 died at 65 from lung cancer, the other in her 80s from emphysema. since I dont smoke or drink, im probably going to live forever. But anyway, I think of these older people, tottering along so slow, pushing a kart that is only holding a small carton of milk and a 6 pack of eggs and a bit of bread... and I wonder, are they really alone? if I were 80, I would want my husband to come with me on such excursions, if only for company, or someone to hold the milk. and it makes me sad because sometimes you can just feel that a person is alone... and I never want to be that way, and I want to reach out and hold them, and keep them safe and make them know they are loved.

5. children who do drugs/drink/smoke/have sex make me miserable. how is that childhood? okay so this isnt one of those beautiful sad things.... this is something truly awful. it amazes me that girls get their period when they are 8 or 9 now. can you imagine? you arent a woman then! maybe this is too much info, but I got mine at 14... I guess ive always been a late bloomer, most of my friends were are 12 or 13... but 8?! 9?! when you think about that... and then think about kids that age having sex, being pregnant at 12 or 13... little children who get drunk, who screw up their bodies, who have such messed up lives that they would rather spend those years in oblivion than actually experiencing their youth... it kills me. I remember when I was about 10, I had gone with my brother and my dad out for a motorcycle... and there was this kid, must have been about 12, riding his bicycle around, smoking a cigarette. I watched him for awhlie, and he finally went away.... and I started bawling. at age 10, i knew that kid was screwing up his body... and its not like my parents told me never to drink or smoke.... I mean, my dads an alcoholic (though he has been sober for about a year and a half now) and hes smoked all of his life..... no one ever said it was bad.... but at 10 years old, I cried for that kid who was not much older than me. And I guess ive always felt the same. ive never gotten over it.





I have run out of time to write... but I think these are the main things... why I type them out, I dont know. does it matter if you read them? does it change anything? do you understand? I dont know. I guess I just like getting it out, cuz sometimes when I do, it hurts a little less.

Turkey WOW '06

Well, turkey definitely was had last night at Leslie and Josh's house. Kudos to them for planning and executing an awesome gathering and actually getting most of our friends to attend! For those of you who missed out, the party included Les, Josh, Jenn, Aaron, Josh F, Matt, Crystal, Jenny, Lauren, Dave, and Jon. And me. It was yum. Although i did not really approve of the over-abundance of potatoes (Josh made 10 lbs, and Dave brought a casserole), food was stuffed by all, and I actually didnt get sick!
Usually I get sick on Thanksgiving... the good ole ibs kicks up and everything I ate kinda runs right though but IT DIDNT HAPPEN this time. I was happy. So happy that I had lots of cherry pie.

Anyway, all of us slept over except jenn, aaron, matt (who refused to call of of work), and Freed, who seemed to be chomping at the bit to get out of there when we started being dorky. which was about the time we arrived. Sigh.

Massages were had, Cranium was played, and I got to burn things in the fire that didnt belong there. I had a really great time, and I cant express how much fun my friends are. Later I will update my photos and get some picts up from the night. In the meantime, you can check out Leslies pictures, go under dtown, then turkey WOW.


I love having friends. :)

good vrs bad

good things

• hugs
• laughter
• truthfulness and honesty
• having someone plan a date for you and whisk you away
• crisp morning air
• sunshine
• drinkable yogurt
• music
• singing with friends
• getting new shampoo / soap
• lily
• fires and the smell they make outside of your house
• green beans
• woks
• anticipation
• old people who still hold hands and look like a greeting card, proving that you can still be madly in love when you are 85 and barely recognize anyone else
• hope
• crying
• being at peace with who you are and with your current situation
• garage door openers
• sleep
• eyes
• sparkly eyeshadow
• ipods
• rubber gloves
• having so many blankets on your bed that you can sleep without pants on
• having someone to call when you wake up from a nightmare
• dryer sheets
• massages and someone playing with your hair, not cuz you asked, but because they just wanted to
• growing up

bad things

• stupid principals who have a personal vendetta against you and tell you that you cant go on an amazing field trip you plan for your students on feb 28th to see body worlds at the franklin institute
• black and brown worn together
• navy and black worn together
• ibs
• being female
• kids half my age having sex / babies / miscarriages
• that I dont have a garage door opener
• bacon grease in the eye
• insomnia
• nightmares
• everyone you know getting married and having babies when you arent even close
• insecurity
• not being sure you are loved
• being in limbo
• skunk smell
• how everyone looks hot on myspace or has some artsy beautiful shot of themselves, and even though you probably dont think about it, thats what you look at first, you barely ever read the profile
• miscommunication
• distance, be it emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual
• not getting a shower every 24 hours
• 39 cent stamps
• suicide
• pulling a muscle in your neck
• growing up