dont expect people to live up to promises

Good morning,

I am writing this email with a sad heart. We did not get the numbers of students we certainly had hoped for. That being said, I can only send a leader with every 10 ambassadors.

At the moment, I do not have a spot for you to travel next summer. Please continue to work with your select delegation and primary leader. Many times things happen and I can place you to travel either with that delegation or a different one. We will continue to accept ambassadors up to the first meeting.

For the new leaders, you are all doing a terrific job and please continue to help out and learn about our organization by going to the meetings and helping out.

For the experienced leaders, please also continue to go to the meetings and share your expertise with that delegation.

I have submitted your names to the program office and if any other area director needs help (this is very common), I will be happy to let you know and see if you are interested in that program.





So let me get this straight...

After driving an hour each way on Sunday afternoons once a month to Bucks County to spend THREE HOURS at a meeting for a bunch of kids and parents, then driving an hour home...

And doing this for about 6 months...

Then dropping me from that trip 6 weeks before we were to depart for Australia by writing me an EMAIL...

And then saying that maybe I would still get to go somewhere and to keep attending the meetings even though I was not going... and then saying that I would definitely get to go next year...

And then, going to stupid meetings this year, to AGAIN get a stupid EMAIL saying that I was not going to be able to go...

You still want me to attend the meetings?!

Who are you freakin kidding? What, exactly, is the incentive there? I help your company make money and supposedly "prepare" the kids for the adventure of their lifetime while simultaneously wasting my precious time and then sitting at home for 3 weeks while they are seeing places I may never get to see?

Oh, sounds fantastic. Sign me up for that one.



Screw it, the only person that I can trust to whisk me away is myself. Bottom line. There is no one else who is going to do it for me.

blessings

Today pretty much sucked.

I woke up exhausted, after sleeping like the dead. I proceeded to make my way into work, arriving at about 7. I noticed on my drive that I was feeling rather un-Ericka-like, which, while unfortunate, happens every so often, so I know it will go away... but its still unpleasant.

So I get to work, and find the sarcastic memo that Graham and I wrote on phone etiquette on my desk. This made me smile.

I then proceeded to turn on my computer, thinking about all the things I would like to accomplish today, but can't, due to an in-service on Learning Focused.

For those of you who are teachers, Learning Focused is a web-based program which helps you prioritize the state standards and anchors, then align them to your curriculum, and then map your curriculum bit by bit.

For those of you who are computer savvy, it is applet based. And not very nicely either.

And lastly, for those of you who are neither computer savvy or teachers, its basically a small slice of hell.

Anyway, I had about an hour to get some work done in which time I answered schoolmails and Moodle messages, posted a course announcement, and actually managed to post a whole lesson. After that, Graham asked me to drive him to Kia to drop of his POS car to get fixed... again.

Walking outside to my car, I enjoyed the sunshine, and that also made me smile ever-so-briefly.

We got back and I had about 20 minutes to do more work and to set up in the fish bowl room (why it is called that, I dont know, because there are no windows and therefore no possibility of anyone ever viewing us from without). I basically gave up, went to set up... then started working on Learning Focused.

It sucked.

And, magically enough, the angle at which my body is in relationship to the table, chair, and lappy is precisely that which occurs in the Micro lab at the hospital when I work under the hood. This means my left shoulder is bugging the snot out of me. Jon tries to cheer me up online, but it did not help a ton because I was just in that rotten of a mood. He gets points for trying though.

I ask Kelly for a back massage. She laughs at me.

I get pretty close to tearing my hair out, but then it is time for lunch, so I go eat that.

Now during lunch (Fascinating though, isn't it?) I realize what caused my stomach to be extremely unhappy on Sat - flax seed.

Mind you, I ate a flax seed and almond granola bar at breakfast. And I was quite contentedly munching on some granola with flax seed in it (the original culprit) in my yogurt for lunch. Phenomenal.

At this point in my day, I just want to cry. Graham brings me bubble wrap. I snap the bubbles to vent my frustration and rotten mood. He seems to think my appreciation is not deep enough. Oh well. He leaves. I proceed to put the bubble wrap on the floor and tap dance on it to the delight of Yassara.

For the afternoon, it is back to work on Learning Focused and I make some sort of progress. Jon calls. I am annoyed because I did not have a whole lot more time to work on the stupid thing, and he asks me to come outside to talk to him. I get slightly worried. I walk outside, call him, and ask what is going on... he says "I just wanted to say hi". I sigh and feel the frustrating welling up in me when he... hangs up the phone. Fantastic. I huff and turn around, and he is there. (Lucky for him) Actually, this is the first time he has ever visited my work, and he was doing so on the way to the airport to go to Alabama.

I am pleasantly surprised and happy that he is there. Though still really tense that I am not getting the stupid thing done. But happy besides.

We go inside, I show him my cube and my deer skull. Lauren introduces herself to him because she seems to magically know who he is even though they have never met. I walk Jon back out, a long good-bye occurs. But then, that is normal.

I go back inside, Graham and his brother stop by and take a very blurry candid polaroid shot of me. They leave.

I leave, and there is a really sweet note on my car from Jon which instantly put a smile on my face. I swear, that stuff never gets old, and I never get bored of hearing it. Ever.

I finally go to class.

I hate class.
I hate class.
I hate class.
I HATE THIS CLASS.

We get our tests back. My score: 83 /130. WHAT?! Go ahead, do the math folks, thats a solid D and completely unacceptable for me. I try really hard not to cry though tears keep welling up. I keep telling myself that I am 26 yrs old and its stupid to cry over a dumb test, but with the mood I am in (oh, and my breasts hurt and I am hormonal on top) its really a very thin string that holds to my sanity.

I get to my car, and tally up my score. Thank GOD, its actually 95 / 130. This is a 73%. I feel a bit better, but still pissed that on a question that was worth 10 points, I got a 0 with no explanation... same with a 15 pt question. 0, and no explanation.

So, I have to sit down with it, pick my battles, and then go talk to him. When I will do this, I have no idea, because tomorrow I am going to see a short concert in the morning, then get a flu shot, then possibly the nutritionist... oh, and if I have time, teach. Then carve pumpkins, talk to the ob-gyn about how my cholesterol is SUPER HIGH, then go to ANOTHER CLASS where I have to turn in this essay question which I need to finish tonight.

I feel so incredibly high strung.

I go to Sears. I pick up a new garage door opener. I ask the guy if its the right one. He says yes. I check. Its different colors, but why does that matter?

I get home. My dad says its not the right one. I tell him that is all they have. He says it is not the right one. I say, I understand the words coming out of your mouth, but I checked with the guy, he said that was right. He says no, it is not the right one.

Somehow, magically, him saying it more than 3 times makes a freaking difference. I UNDERSTAND BUT THAT IS ALL THEY HAVE!

He says...

seriously...

That is not the right one.


I bite the urge to scream, go to make stuffing instead, and find that the dishwasher is full. Heaven forbid my father empty it. Obviously Star Trek re-runs are WAY more important. I empty the dishwasher, then start my laundry.

I notice there is a package for me on the table and I get very excited. Then I get worried, because I realize I cant remember ordering anything, and I wonder if I am just going insane. I open it, and it is this:


I love my brother. He is just freakin amazing. Of all the random things he could have sent me, this is just what I needed today.

I went and played on my waveboard.

I am feeling better. I am. I just need some rest and sleep and I will be cool. I promise.



So thank you Lord for all of my blessings, in no particular order:
the sunshine
Jon
Graham
bubble wrap
dancing
Chris




Strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow

the week in review

Monday ~ No class, hurrah! Spent the evening with Jon and his family

Tuesday ~ No class, hurrah! Took Graham and Ryan to see the Philadelphia Orchestra at the Kimmel center and to the Italian Bistro for dinner to celebrate Graham's birthday

Wednesday ~ Ugh. Spent whole day training to use a program called Learning Focused. It sucks. Then went to class, which also sucked. The worst part about being a teacher is that now when I take classes, I have a hard time sitting in with bad teachers! THEN I went to a P2P meeting... looks like I might be going to the UK next summer folks... wish me luck. It would be England, Wales, Ireland, and Scotland! YAY! Got home around 8:30. Exhausted.

Thursday ~ Spent the evening at Jons where we did not watch the line-up, but did spend a good amount of time getting hot and sweaty. Uh.... with my new wave board!

Friday ~ Spent the evening here at my house, then packed it up and headed over to Jons for a good nights rest. :) We were hoping to carve pumpkin with my grandparents and cousin, but that fell through... we made a blanket for Jon's godson, Theo, and watched Highlander: The Source. It wasn't terrible. :)

Sat ~ Woke up, went to Irish Joe's Cafe for breakfast, then drove around the countryside in search of housing. We found two that we liked, but can not afford given our current financial situation. Came home, gussied up our bikes, then I went to work. Sigh. Worked. Then went over to Graham's to join Porch Club and celebrate his actual birthday. Got home around 1:30. Watched Taboo. Went to bed.

Today ~ Slept til 11, ate an english muffin, did some organizational work for Reverb... and now... taking a shower. Well, not right now, but soon. Very soon.

Pa Ren Faire 07

Jon, Nick, and I went to the PA Renaissance Faire.


HERE are the pictures.





I have to admit... I have a soft spot in my heart for long hair (on guys), swords, and frilly white shirts. Oh, and nice calves. Hottttttt.


Also, I am dying to own my own bustier. I just think it would look awesome. :)

Also..

down the road and back again

It is probably rather fitting that I have not found time to write in my blog in weeks. It is not that nothing has been happening... actually, too much has been happening, and I find it hard to write publicly when I am feeling a lack of confidence in myself.

So what has been going on?

1) School has been frustrating, at best, because truthfully I am a bit bored, and i am not sure what to do with myself

2) Grad school has been extremely draining and going to class 3 x a week is more draining than I thought it would be

3) Hormones. Yup.

4) Jon was away for a few weeks

5) I do not sleep enough

6) Rehearsals

7) Other stuff



And truthfully, its been the other stuff that has been the most consuming and scary. You know the feeling when your mind is racing and you just can't make it stop? I have had that. And then you know when your mind does stop because you became numb to all the stimulation but your body is then so tense it is a wonder you can move or function? It has been like that too.

And it has been lonely.



The worst part of it all was the fear that I would screw up everything.

We are supposed to learn from the past and learn from our mistakes, that is why history is so important. Yet I have not been able to learn from it - until now.

And the past was so perilously close to repeating, it makes me sick of myself to think of it.



The reason it was so lonely was that I was too scared I would fail to reach out for the support of those around me. Because then, if I had failed, I would have not only let myself down, but everyone else would see my fall. And then they would judge me and write me off and all number of other things I do not like to think of.


It has been a rough few weeks for me.





But here I am.



It rained this morning. As I have said before, rain nearly always reflects my emotions, and it can go one of two ways... it is either rain of torment, or cleansing rain.

It rained this morning, and I felt like I was washed clean.




That is not to say that I am not still scared... God knows I am.

Yet I feel like I can see the end of this tunnel. I do not know what it will be like, but it will be in the light.

Storm the Eastern Shore

If you would like to see pictures of what Jon and I did over the weekend, just click on the HR Adventures link. :)




I got to pee in a sand dune!



(No, there are no pictures of that)

that kid

Before I start ranting, I would like to apologize for the profuseness of rants that have been coming out of my mouth (fingers?) lately. It makes me feel like an ugly person... like, that is not how God would want me to look at things... but this will be the last one for awhile, I promise.





In my epidemiology class, there is that kid.

He is kind of a big oafy guy... short.... likes to wear camo shorts with plaid short sleeve shirts.... goatee and other assorted facial hair... usually wears a hat. Carries his school supplies in a messenger bag.

Aside from the camo / plaid combination, not all that strange or annoying.


However, when you combine these with the fact that he never shuts up, every single detail makes me cringe.


This kid is probably a jr or senior in college... he is a science major, and epidemiology is a 400 level course, so he is close to the end. You would think, at this point, he might have learned something...

Or at least learned enough to know that no one wants to hear every question that pops into his head.


Seriously, this kid never stops yapping. And no, he is not talking to his classmates, but continually asking the teacher utterly asinine questions which show that 1) he is obviously not paying attention very well, 2) is a bit slow on the uptake, and 3) just trying to waste time / suck up.

Now, of course, being a teacher myself, I love when kids ask questions, especially legitimate ones. Yes, there ARE such things as stupid questions, and by my definition, those are questions which feign incomprehension when its apparent that you need not be wasting my time.


This kid raises his hand after EVERY point that the teacher makes. And, okay, its not the easiest stuff, and sure, you are gonna have questions... but he raises his hand even when he does not have a question!


Example:

The prof starts talking about incidence density (ID) today, which is an index of how much disease is in a population.

Kid raises his hand.

Prof says Yes? (Imagine an inflection which says What the bleep are you going to ask now? and then a sigh)

Kid: pause.... pause..... "Ummmm".... pause..... "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..."



Then finally he comes up with a question, and asks it. Why do you raise your hand, kid, when you OBVIOUSLY dont even know what you want to ask yet?!

WHY DO YOU WASTE MY TIME?!





That being said, I have a fever and a headache and I am hormonal, so this kid is probably just annoying me way more than usual. But I must ask, why is there always a kid like this in my classes? It never fails. And I never stop wanting to smack them upside the head and tell them to shut their mouth for a moment and maybe, just maybe, they will learn something.