Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you out there in cyber land.

There are many things I am thankful for this year, though I have finally admitted to myself that one of the things I should be happy about is sort of making me miserable: having two jobs.

And since (I think) no one I work with at the hospital reads this thing, I guess I can write about it here.



First of all, I have been quite thankful that I can moonlight as a medical technologist. It put me through 2 years of full time grad school to get certified to teach. (Well, that and the fact that my parents did not kick me out!) My job here (literally, since I am here right now) has been quite flexible as well, allowing me to plan my own wedding and attend 13 others in 2008. When I need off, I usually get it, as long as I plan in advance. And, let's face it, I get paid a lot. But come on, anyone who works Sat and Sun nights from 3 to 11 pm deserves to make a lot of dinero. When all is said and done, I bring home $1000 every month after taxes. Not too shabby for 4 shifts of work. (You do the math.)

Such extra income has allowed us to take our honeymoon, go to Alaska, and is paying for our upcoming trip to Australia in the summer. It paid for my trip to China. It means when I need a new pair of jeans, I can get them. It means never having to wonder if we really ought to spend a heart-stopping $22 bucks to see a movie in the theatre. It means that when my parents want to eat at a fancy place, we can easily afford our own plates. It means that as I shop for Christmas presents, I stick to a budget because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to. It also means that we can donate money to organizations we support.

It seems incredibly selfish of me to want to give it up. But geez, I am so so tired of it.

I am sure I have written about the trials and tribulations of having 2 jobs before, but I feel like it has been awhile, and for some reason, it is really getting to me this holiday season.

I had off for Thanksgiving, and I had off yesterday, but here I am spending my Sat and Sun nights of what should be a long weekend working. Okay, yes, it is really slow and I have already read 3 magazines and after writing this will dig into Towers of Midnight (Jordan & Sanderson, Nov 2010), but that is not the point. I am cold - scrubs are paper thin - and I am wearing a white long sleeve t shirt under a grey flannel long sleeve t shirt under my scrub top under a fleece zip up accompanied by a scarf, hat, and ski socks. Hotness. But I say that to bring me to my next point... what I would rather be doing is spending time with friends and family, possibly by a nice roaring fire. It is a holiday, darn it, and that is what I SHOULD be doing.

But here I sit.

And I am sorry if I sound totally selfish and like an undeserving brat. I have been working here since I was 22, and it gets taxing after awhile to always have a second job. No one seems to really understand what it is like because, frankly, almost NO ONE I know has a second job. Not to say that their primary jobs pay a lot and so they do not need a job, but no one else has made the choice like I have to pursue two careers at the same time. I think Les is one of the few who gets it, as she has been doing work and school and being a wifey all at the same time... but we are both so busy, we barely have time to comisserate! ;) As my friends become parents, they are starting to see how exhausting it is to have 2 jobs... I am sure even more so because at least I only have to come to this one every other weekend. For a long time, I worried that people thought I was just a bad friend because I had this job... and certainly some did. Is it my fault that I cannot have dinner with you on Sat because I am working? Well, yes and no. It IS a choice, and it is one that I choose to continue. But can you be mad at someone who chooses to make money so that they can have flexibility in other areas of their lives? I would think as much as you can be mad at someone for wanting a family and needing to spend time doing the parenting thing. You just can't.



I know why I used to do it (to pay for my education, to keep my lab skills up in case I sucked as a teacher, the money), but I am not sure now why I continue to do it. Why do I still choose this?

To be totally honest, I think the decision we made to *wait* to have a kid sort of threw off my grand plan for life. We were going to start the family stuff last summer. I would be pregnant by now, and I would be leaving the hospital soon. I always sort of mentally planned to work here and save money until we had a kid, even if it meant giving up other things like, oh, a life, and, possibly sanity. These days though, my sanity is starting to seem a lot more important than the money.

I read an article some time ago that said most people were happier when they took short vacations relatively frequently - a long weekend here and there - and maybe one larger trip once a year. People who did the blow out long vacation were not as satisifed with it. The reason? Because vacations fall into a pattern... the excitement leading up to it, the day you get there which is thrilling, then you have a sort of let down for a day or two, then you come home and you are excited to sleep in your own bed again. Taking long vacations screws up the emotional arc.

Right now, I would love just to have my weekends back. I am positively giddy over the idea that next weekend, I do not work, I do not have Sunday School, and I do not have Reverb. As of this moment, the only obligation I have is one I want to have - going to a craft show Sat morning with my mom. But the thing is, when I start thinking about, I start filling my weekend with stuff I *need* to do. Like clean. And grocery shop. And wrap presents. And buy a Christmas tree. And take my friends' Christmas photo. And... and... and.... None of that stuff gets done when I have to go to the hospital.

Today when I was leaving for work, my eyes filled with tears - that is how much I did not feel like coming. That has nothing to do with the job itself. I actually really like what I do here at the hospital. I like who I work with. I like pretty much everything about it except the hours. I detest working Sat and Sun nights. Sat night because that is the time when people have the energy to actually see their friends. Sun night because it is really not that fun getting home at 11:45 and waking up at 6:15 to head back to work. It makes me.... anxious, to say the least.

So you are probably thinking at this point - why not just quit? It is a bit more complicated than that, I am afraid. Or maybe I am just making it more complicated? Either way, it feels complex.

In the plus column:

• duh, money
• what I do is easy
• I like who I work with
• I like what I do
• I won't be doing this forever

In the negative column:

• I feel stressed out that I do not have my weekends to do what I want to do... like see friends, clean the house, run errands, and sleep
• It feels like I am going to do this forever

So you see, the plus column has a lot in it... but the negative column is really really negative. How do you sort out types of happiness and success? Yeah, I give up a lot of weekends and I have to cram stuff into my off weekends.... but I get to go to Australia. Yeah, I have to push myself to meticulously plan friend time on my 4 days off per month, even when all I want to do is sleep or sit on the couch in my own home, because if I do not force myself to do it, I will become an isolated shrew... but when I see them, we can do crazy things and treat them and ourselves without stressing over it. Minus and Plus. A delicate balance.

So what do I do? We have discussed me leaving this job, and Jon is in full support. He knows I hate it. But I would feel so much better about it if one of us actually got paid a more reasonable amount for what we do. Him and I basically make the same amount as the other... and I am a TEACHER. Not only that, but a teacher in a charter school. When I look at what my public school friends make, I want to cry because they make so much more than I do for what I would consider a similar amount of work. Bleh. I guess the most ideal situation (in my mind) would be for Jon or I to get a slightly higher paying full time job to compensate for the money lost in quitting my lucrative part time job.

But then there is option #2...

What if I stayed home when we had a kid? What if I stopped teaching and became a full-time mom... and continued moonlighting as a med tech? If Jon got a slightly higher paying job, and I stayed here at the hospital... we could afford it. For realz. And that is VERY attractive... mostly because then we could raise our own kid without relying on our parents or paying for childcare. Of course, they might turn out with an attitude if I am the one around them majority of the time... but that is to be expected anyway. ;)

So there is that.

I guess ultimately I am kind of waiting on the baby thing, kinda waiting on the better job thing. It does make sense to continue to work here and save money, so long as I do not go too crazy. I just pray that it all falls together and that, in the meantime, I do not fall apart.

You may not like what i have to say...

Since the end of Sept, Jon and I have been teaching Sunday School at his parent's church. Week 1 started out pretty slow with just 2 8th graders.... but as we got into it (and as they realized they actually like us), we ended up with a pretty consistant following.

For the most part, this has been pretty low-commitment. We show up at 9:45 on Sunday, teach the curriculum du jour, and are out of there around 11 to go merrily on our way. Although the adults try to get us into the church service, and the high school sunday school teacher to the "young adults group" on Friday nights (who thought THAT would be a good idea?!), we have mostly rebuffed their advances and stuck to what we want to do.

Today, on our way home, we were discussing what the appropriate level of participating is for us, if we are to continue being Sunday School teachers.

Here is the thing: the kids freakin love us, for whatever reason, and they actually LIKE coming to Sunday School. No idea why. But that is not really the important part. The important part is that they have not had a solid commitment in youth education in years. No one wants to work with them for some reason, most especially the middle school set. When Jon recalls his own experience with Sunday School, he mostly remembers "hanging out" - not actually learning anything. Conversely, our students are asking really deep meaningful questions like, "If you are depressed and lonely and want to be closer to God, why is suicide so bad?" They have complex ideas like, "I am tired of asking forgiveness and seeing nothing in return." These kids may very well be 13, but they have a lot on their minds, and I love that we have been given the chance to help them probe those concepts.

So the problem is this: we do not support the church. In particular, we do not support the pastor, nor how the place is run. We do not get anything out of the sermons. We do not know the people who are running the educational stuff, but what we have seen so far raises a lot of concerns. Yet, here we are with a great group of kids who are looking to us as roll models.... so what do you do? Do you become more involved in a church you do not support, hoping that you are able to change it... or do you take a stand by staying out of it?

Next week, I have been invited to come speak with the high school group about science and faith. (Ne'er the twain shall meet?!) Apparently the guy who leads that group has been having some major major issues. Its like North and South Korea in there. Some kids are hardcore science and some are hardcore faith with no real intermediates. Being so polarized, their discussions often hurt feelings and get very passionate. Not exactly the kid of environment I like to encourage. Anger only polarizes further and consideration flies right out the window. That kind of situation encourages people not to think, only to show that they are right.

In fact, today, they somehow got into the very heavy discussion of homosexuality. Some kids (apparently) showed disgust and disdain for homosexuals. Other kids felt it was not a choice, but a creation of God. How do you explain that? How do you even know WHAT to believe? Personally, I feel that who you love is not a choice, it is decided by God. You are born that way. In the same way, I believe that my husband was always my husband, I just did not know it until I was ready. He was made for me and I for him and all of the things we have gone through (including the sins, the pain) were used to mold us into people who were right for each other. But then you get into a prickly situation: can God create an imperfection? Or is that free will? If a baby is born gay, can being gay be a sin? And if being gay is a sin, then you would have to assume God could not MAKE someone that way, and then you would revert back to free will. So complex.

Anyway, apparently a lot of feelings were hurt and some of the kids left VERY upset. The poor things. It is what we call in teaching cognitive dissonance. Not a bad thing, but too much is stressful on young minds, and it kind of makes them do a mini explosion.

So I am slating next week to talk with them about science. About evolution. Now being a Biology teacher, I can honestly say that I do not teach anything I do not personally agree with. I also have to state that I am not allowed to teach everything I agree with because not everything fits within a science classroom.

Often, my students will write to me with a question like, "How did that stem cell know to become an ear cell?" or, "Is love really just serotonin and oxytocin?" And I say to them that science can only answer questions that have evidence that can be studied. Why a nerve cell is physically able to conduct electricity, I can explain, but I cannot explain why or how that electricity MEANS anything. I tell them that science can often explain the HOW, the mechanics, but it cannot often exlpain the WHY, the meaning. The meaning of life cannot be explained by science. Why is good so good and bad so bad? No idea. Not scientifically anyway.

And so next week, I believe it is expected of me to go in and debunk science. I think they (the leadership at church) think I am going to come in and say that homosexuality is a sin, God made the earth in a week, the dinosaurs are a lie, and Darwin can go poop in his hat. And it ain't gonna happen. They are not going to like what I have to say.

I am not convinced that Christianity is "IT" - that you cannot commune with God in other ways. I think it works, absolutely, and I personally believe it. But just like there are other languages, I think God speaks to different people in different ways. Do I believe the Earth is young? No. I believe it is billions of years old. God gave us science, God gave us knowledge (or maybe the Devil did, you can work that one out for yourself). Am I a Bible literalist? No. How do I know what "one day" is for God. Does it even matter? How do I know that what God did on the first "day" did not actually take millions of years? I don't. But I can see evolution and see global warming and see all the evidence with my own eyes and touch it with my hands.

Can I see God and touch Him? No.

And that is the point - you are not supposed to.

Faith is required. Faith is believing what you cannot see. It is trusting with your heart despite the fact that God will (likely) never knock on your door and ask if he can hang out and play some video games and maybe save you in the process.

I think of relationships.... the girls who always want their boyfriends to prove their love and devotion. Buy me flowers. Get me presents. Say nice things to me. Take me out. When those are the requirements to trust that you love someone and they love you, the relationship will ALWAYS end. Why? No faith is involved. When you constantly need concrete proof with your eyes, things fall apart. The truth of the matter is that truth is not based on matter. (Clever, right? Ha!) The truth of life is based on believe, on feeling, on faith, and we are nothing without it.

So yes, I agree with the scientific perspective of evolution. Yes, I think it happened like that. But I also think God is behind it all in a way that my little brain cannot comprehend. And I am okay with that. I do not need to know. And it may seem like a cop-out, but it isn't. It has taken me a long time to find peace in this as I struggled to find the answers. But I have faith that when I die, I will "know as I am known". I will understand how everything fits together in a way that my soul, shackled by my human body, cannot grasp just yet.

But how do you make this clear to a teenager? How do you present this to a child who need the concrete? How do I prevent their little minds from blowing up... or from being dismissive, which really is just as easy.

Ultimately, I am not sure, and in part I am just going to have to wing it and hope that my knowledge of science and my faith in God (and God's ability to use people to His purpose) is enough.


But yeah.... I do not think the church leaders are going to like it all that much. I think they want someone to come in with the big guns and prove to the kids that they should believe 100% literally everything the Bible says. I cannot do that. I do not want to do that. I want them to question, I want them to wonder, and, above all, I want them to feel comfortable seeking out the truth. As long as they are doing that, I am sure they will find it.