working for the first time in a week

Naturally I am at work while writing this. I have spent an entire week catching up on sleep and getting odds and ends done... Ive also seen my friends more than I have in awhile, spent hours reading for fun (The Vampire Chronicles, if you must know), and trying to take things as they come.

Today is difficult... I woke up feeling sad, mostly due to bad dreams & hormones. I absolutely hate being hormonal... I feel like ick right now, eating macaroni and cheese from the hospital caf was a bad idea... plus im still sad. The thing that really kills me is that I know its just hormonal. I know it will pass. I know that I will feel better in a few days... but it frustrates me to no end that I cant control this... and it makes me want to cry more! And here I am at work, which I usually enjoy, but tonight... What I want to do is snuggle and watch tv for like 3 or 4 hours... maybe a movie sandwiched by some bad sitcoms... have my hair played with so I can relax... maybe some crying for no reason... and then to fall asleep. And thats not even remotely going to happen.


I am also feeling extremely overwhelmed about moving. I am really scared of it today, and the fear is outweighing the excitement of a "new life". Theres a lot of stuff to think about...
1. I have to get hours at the hospital bc I need the money. I spent 1000 bucks this week in bills. Bills!!!! So I need to pick up hours but....
2. the more I work, the less time I have to....
a. find an apt in orlando
b. find a job in orlando
c. visit orlando to solidify these things
3. and I need to do those things!
4. how am I going to deal with leaving my life?


Its just a blah day where everything in my mind is getting jumbled up and it seems complicated when its probably not. Devo's "Whip It" just came on my ipod... not even that is getting me in a better mood! I had a really productive week... and I started Myst 5, which is amazing and puzzling and I love it... but now, at the end of the week, im just really..... yar.


I read an article in the newspaper today about china... they were talking about a trip over there, and one person was writing about her experience teaching english to 3 and 4 yr olds in china for 5 months. sometimes, instead of all this moving stuff, I want to do something like that. Cuz yeah, it would be crazy, but i know it would just be 5 months, and I could come back and my family and friends would still be here... it wouldnt be this indefinite See ya who knows when? I am really trying to look on the bright side... there are plenty of fun things about moving to Florida... Ethan, of course... and getting a new job (I like learning new stuff).... having my own place again (which would be fantastic)... striking out on my own....

But right now its just SO daunting and so scary... I dont think I remember how to make friends. I was never very good at it unless I was just in a situation where you naturally thrown together with people and you have to make friends (like school). I do have plans for down there.... I want to join a gym, I have missed working out.... hopefully bible study again, cuz I know I will miss that.... and something else... im not sure what else... maybe singing? Maybe dancing? I dont know, something for me, something ive wanted to do for a long time. I could take yoga with aunt terry. :) Maybe getting back into theatre? I dont know. I need to make my own little island of "life" down there, even if I dont plan to stay there, and I hope it happens sooner rather than later.

I think im rambling, for which I apologize, but its just another proof that my brain is completely addled today, and im frustrated and sad.... and AHH now there are bagpipes on my ipod. who knew that was there? ugh.


at least the thought of Kathy imitating bagpipes made me grin.

Last Day

Its my last day at school!

It seems sort of strange to me... Here I am in Chemistry, watching gattaca with my kids... its so strange that I wont get to see them any longer. I wont get to hear their crazy stories, I wont have them following me around trying to tell me stuff... I wont get to teach them, I wont get to inspire them or push them or help them. Its a little frightening, and it sort of feels like jumping off a pier.

I am excited to leave Renaissance... but its so hard to leave these kids.

Its raining today... for me that usually is a sign of sadness or of change. I think today it would be both. Jon's boss Jeff's daughter's funeral is today. I wont really see my kids again either. I know my sadness does not really compare to Jeff's, but in my own little way I can relate.


What will Febuary bring? I need to work at the hospital.... I need to save money.... I need to find a job and an apartment and start a new life soon in Florida. Its scary, and here is the starting point.


I guessI should go and not let this get to me. See ya on the flip side...

driving to pittsburgh

I had this horrible awful dream last night, bad enough that I wanted to write it down and share it with you...

My mom and I were driving to Pittsburgh in my car. (Yes, i know, thats awful in and of itself) It was around Halloween and they had decorated one of those tunnels that goes through mountains. The entrance was covered with fake spider webs, the inside was all dark. Instead of having those awful yellow lights lit, they had taken yellow rope light and used that for the line markers in the middle of the road. Well as we got closer to the end of the tunnel, the lights were all out. we couldnt see a thing. And, for some reason, it was extremely icey and snowy... we started sliding and there was more or less nothing we could do. The car started tumbling and somehow my mom and I fell out. She wrapped her arms around me as if spooning from behind, and we started to tumble down the snowy mountain. All of a sudden, we stopped, with our backs to the cliff. My mom was utterly calm, and she said that we were on a snowbank, but the snow wasnt very hard, and to be calm and collected, we would figure it out. I was sinking down into the soft snow as I opened my eyes... I basically peered out into oblivion. It was like being at the top of the grand canyon... down the rocky cliff was a small town, you could see small dots of lights and a little snake of a river winding through it.... but it was SO far down. Instantly I was freaking out and I started to try to tamp down the snow so that we could climb back up. In reality, we hadnt fallen but maybe a story, and there were boulders I knew I oculd climb. All of a sudden, Bill Chong shows up and is looking at us, and came down to help rescue us. Well I was like okay, lets get moving, and both of them started to slide down the cliff on purpose, as if they were going to just slide all the way down into the town! I freaked again and told them to climb up. We made it to the top, and I woke up.

I guess it doesnt seem all that scary, but the thought of falling down that cliff and my body hitting the rocks was horrifying. It just wasnt my time to go! So yes, very scary, and im glad the dream was over.

I had lots of totally insane dreams last night... In one of them, we visited our old neighborhood, and it was like some eerie flashback, everything looked the same... and I was seeing things and remembering things from my childhood that obviously didnt happen. Everything was sort of 50's ish... polka dots and lime greens and canary yellows.... In one part, we went into this laundry mat area, and there was a coffee machine.... the landlord offered me hot chocolate in a coffee mug and it was horrible... my brother and I laughed because it was the same in childhood, he gave us horrible hot chocolate that tasted like coffee and we hated it. The whole dream was very creepy because we were visiting the past but it was like it had never changed.

Anyway, schools about to start, I better go. sigh.

Donegal Staff Retreat
I went to the camp staff retreat this weekend so I thought I would put up a couple of thoughts and a couple of pictures... you might not really be all that interested in the thoughts, so perhaps you should just browse through the pictures.Thoughts...The retreat was focused on Grace this weekend. For those of you familiar with the word, but not really with the meaning... in laymens terms it means unmerited forgiveness. Its like you do something bad to me, and I forgive you completely even though its against our culture and mindset to do so. Grace is something that is always mentioned within the pretext of God's forgiveness and salvation... but for us, its a hard thing to give, a hard thing to recieve, and a hard thing to really understand.

I have been shown a lot of grace in '05. Thank you, sweetheart.

So the retreat focused on that and we talked about the nature of grace and how hard it is to give it... there were a couple of things that struck me yesterday, and i had some really good conversation with Jon about it on the ride home.

1. Grace is really hard to give. Part of grace, I think, is forgetting whatever happened. So if you show someone grace, you forgive them so completely that its almost as if it never happened

2. Grace is really hard to recieve. Personally, I like to think im good at showing grace... but when someone gives it to me, its really hard for me to forgive myself. Ethan has shown me so much grace and love, and its so difficult for me to let it go. I let it go yesterday. Its almost a mockery to the grace and forgiveness someone gives you if you throw it back in their face saying its not good enough, that you are too horrible, too unlovable, too terrible... well yes, you are, suck it up and deal. Grace is unmerited. No, you DONT deserve it, thats what makes it grace.... So just accept that you are a buttmunchie and move on... the person showing you grace has. They love you for who you are, dont tell them that their love and grace is insufficient.

3. Grace is complete entwined with salvation... Jon and I talked a lot on the way home whether or not salvation is something you have to ask for, or something that is a finished work.... we come from different angles, we have different reasons to think what we do.... but the bottom line, I suppose, is that its pure grace, its undeserved.


So I dont know, the retreat was really awesome... camp always makes me happy.... Amy, Cindy, Steph, Jess, Jess, Lora, Devon, Dave, Tony, Jon, and Noah were there... it was awesome to see them... here are some pictures of the day, if you werent so interested in the commentary...


And apparently the picture uploader thing isnt working, so no pictures today... sorry, perhaps another day.

proctoring

Its 12:16 and my students are about fifteen minutes into their chemistry midterm. I think its a pretty decent one, if I do say so myself. I am not sure how well they will do, but I did my best to prepare them... actually, that not fair, I did not really do my best. I gave them a really good review packet, and it was THEIR problem if they did not study it. I kind of left it in their hands. I remember how I feared midterms and finals.... always did well via cramming... I dont know how they will do. One of my more intelligent students (okay, debatable, she did just have a baby) got a 65%. Maybe I will curve it? Maybe they can just suck and deal with what they got. Today they are all concerned about the minimum they need to pass the semester... I think all of htem will pass it.... we shall see....

I feel pretty bad cuz I called out sick yesterday... I didnt really want to do it, but even being here today is a challenge. Wed night I puked up my dinner and spent a lot of time sitting on the toilet... not to be harsh or anything.... I am pretty sure that I have the flu. yum yum. I probably got it from one of my students. Its going around.

Anyway, perhaps I should use the next hour and 45 minutes to do something productive... ive done well most of the day, having some of my students come in and clean up the joint, getting book organized, getting stuff moved out to my car... that was the best, I made two boys carry a whole bookshelve of books out to my car... course cleaning out my car isnt going to be fun, but thats alright.


In other news, slight progess is being made on Florida... I guess the current plans are march or april... We have started to check out some apartment possibilities... the real work will come when I finish school in two weeks. Guess id better go... the natives are a bit restless over this test.

the response

today one of my students did the following... thew his pen on top of my prep room so that he could go get it. no, I did not let him get it. threw a lug nut at a fellow student which almost broke some glassware. stole my plants off my desk. and then, the crowning achievement, laid a pencil on top of my lit candle, which promptly caught fire.

I made him leave the room, and after class I had him call his mother to tell her what he did. Then I said it was either detention or cleaning. most likely cleaning.

He stopped in later and dropped off the following note, written in barely ledgible chicken scratch:

Ms Samuels,
I'm sorry for acting like an idiot in your class. I know I can't always control myself, but I'm trying to work on it. Also, not all the time, but sometimes stuff is instigated, and I get angry and lash back, which is what happened with the bolt. The pencil/candle incident was just me not paying attention. It was actually an accident, I didn't really mean to put the end of the pencil in the candle.

So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that I will try not to let it happen again

~Colin

P.S. Your room does need cleaning... and what is better than free labor?




The funniest thing is that I read this and thought wow, im really going to miss teaching. Colin actually doesnt make me angry, it made me laugh, and I wasnt worried about things going up in flames. But yeah, I just thought it was amusing and that I would share. Silly people.