I drive myself insane

I dont know what to say. I drive myself insane. I really do. Between wanting what I can't have and realizing past truths that somehow got lost in translation. And the question I have is Why? I mean, really, why?

Is it "good" for me to be hurting?

Is it "good" for me to question everything? For me to question myself?




Is it a "good" thing to feel alone, to never be sure where it is appropriate to turn, and in the end to just keep it in?

Is it "good" to feel like the majority of the people that I love dearly are not interested in having me as a big part of their lives?



I mean, what happened here? Did someone pin a "kick her while she is down" sign to my back? Or maybe it was a little bulls-eye with the words "stab here, twist at will".



I do not think it is terrible to learn. I dont consider it awful when you have a "growth spurt", as I seem to be invariably having and which I cant seem to stop. But how long does it go own? This summer, without a doubt, has been pretty awful. The three bright spots I can think of were going to China, getting a job, and Project. And even all of those, every single one, is tinged with hurt and painful memories!

I am not a glass half empty sort of person, I know I am not. But maybe I am learning that I was too glass half full. The hopes that I have, or had, never seem to work out, and then I feel foolish and hurt. It almost feels like the death of my childhood.

I remember in 7th grade, we had to make a coat of arms. My latin phrase was Teneo abel ace spes. I dont know if its spelled right and im sure its not in the right order grammatically... but roughly it means Hold on to hope. And its something I have always thought of, and always tried to do. I dont even know why, I just did.

And here I am now, feeling like that was stupid. And it makes me so angry!!! It makes me so incredibly angry to feel like I shouldnt be hoping for things. It makes me so angry that I assumed certain things, or over-estimated things. But I dont know how to not do it. I really dont know how to stop hoping, and maybe its just because I have been doing for so long. But I dont know how to just let things go and accept that people are who they are, and I am who I am, and what will be will be. I dont ever hope to change people, and I knwo I cant change their hearts. But its so hard to not hope for a brighter future.


At the same time, its so painful to do that, and I wonder if it will get to the point that the tides will turn and I wont be able to hope for anything.



And so I write it here, I dont even know why. I guess because I feel like theres no one I can actually sit down and have a conversation with about this. Either its inappropriate to do so or they just wont understand. Part of the problem with growing is that in ways you suddenly end up ahead of the people around you and then you are alone. Could I talk to people about this? Sure. Would I feel better? Probably not. I want genuine understanding, and without that, its just not going to be any help.

And all the people that I have gone to for that understanding... well, I just cant open up to them, because it means being vulnerable in a way that is too close for them. And frankly, its too close for me too, because I know that they dont want that... and when I open up to someone, I start hoping all over again, and then im crushed more.

All of my best friends cant be as close to me as I need them to be right now, and it just sucks. Its really hard. And I dont know what to do except keep it in as best as possible and hope it goes away soon.

jasmine tea

ive been here at work since 6:30 and in the time since, I have cleaned my keyboard, made tea, answered emails, and wrote some students on myspace. all in all, not so productive so far. I am also working on a metric system powerpoint. So we will see how THAT goes. Its hard for me to teach the metric system online. sometimes hearing it is just so much easier.... but I guess I will do what I have to do!


In the meantime though, I thought I would tell you a few office personality quirks of mine, which you may or may not know already. Or maybe you knew, but you just didnt realize it.

1. I love post-its, especially the star shaped ones
2. I adore sharpies. So much so that I have a hard time actually using them because I want to "save" them. Practically the stupidest thing EVER.
3. I do one of two things when I am listening to a presentation: I bend paperclips, or I doodle. In particular, I doodle geometric shapes.
4. I dont wear my shoes when im at my desk
5. I am utterly anal retentive about the state of my computer desktop. It has to be as minimalistic as possible and if I can make the icons symmetrical on either side of the desktop, that is perfect.
6. college ruled paper rules
7. I cant sit on my chair in a normal way. I usually either have my knees up to my chest or im sitting on one leg or slouching at an incredible angle.
8. I dont like shopping at the mall, but I have no problem going to staples "just to look"
9. I am slightly obsessive over my desktop picture... it has to be fairly plain so that the icons are clearly visible, but interesting at the same time. I could never do a picture of someone, its just too detailed.
10. I like everything to be at neat angles. Its pathetic.



So do you think you would want to be my co-worker? I am not anal retentive about other peoples desks and stuff... I dont know what my real problem is. I do know, however, that I really am wasting time... so I guess I will get back to work now.

meaningful

I suppose its been awhile since I have posted something meaningful. So I guess its time.


Things have been a little rough recently. I feel like everything bad that I have ever done - mostly hurt peoples feelings, be inconsiderate, and be intolerant - is coming back and slapping me in the face. I am not saying its a terrible thing, its just difficult. I have done more growing in the past few weeks than I have done in quite awhile.

I dont really want to go into much detail, for which I apologize... I dont want to incriminate anyone. But suffice it to say that I understand a lot better now how people felt, or how I made them feel, when I wasnt mature enough to understand what I was doing. Its a bunch of rough little lessons I am learning right now... and im glad for it, but it still sucks.

Maybe this post is not as "meaningful" as I wanted it to be, due to the nature of what I am learning and my desire not to mention any names... but lets just say im changing, and its for the better I think.




In other news, I started school at PALCS. I love it so far... the people are nice, the technology is cool... I am sure I will be in over my head at points, but I believe it will be much more managable than Renaissance. Ive bonded a bit with the other new science teachers, who are 24 and 23... so I think its a good thing. There are a lot of women, but quite a few men... but pretty much everyone I have come across from either gender is young and married and expecting a baby or having one really soon. Its not the best environment for me mentally, but as long as I stay in my cube I should be just fine. I like what the school is doing in general, and I think I could make a difference there. My biggest challenge is going to be staying off of im, myspace, email, and here all day. wish me luck.

school daze

Well, school starts tomorrow. This week I have computer training at PALCS and then next week is just a "work week" for the teachers so that we can move into our cubicles and start getting stuff posted online. Craziness. I am nervous, to be honest, and im tired too, which doesnt help. I guess I am looking forward to it... but waking up at 6:30 tomorrow will probably not be a joy.

Today I went briefly to the China Reunion... it was great to see everyone, although I wasnt there long... I had to come home for Nan and Bud and leg of lamb. I think it was worth it though!

Church was good... we went thru Hebrews 9 and 10, talking about Christ dying once... a worthy topic, to be sure.

After church Josh came over and I taught him about cars. no, really. And it resulted in a long and sweaty 4 hours during which we made his car look like he actually cared about it. So thats good I suppose, hopefully it will bump up the trade in value.



And im tired. And a bit sad. So I am going to bed.

pictures

pictures here...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/f1rew1th1n/

and here...
http://s112.photobucket.com/albums/n181/f1rew1th1n/

aaaaaaaaand here!
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/f1rew1th1n/my_photos



Maybe you care, maybe you dont, but it sure beats focusing on work. :)

ARG

BUG BITES ARE SO ITCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Project ROCK!

The concert was FABULOUS last night, and I give a hearty thanks to those who made it out: Steph and Nick, Lauren and Dave, Jenny, Brian, my mom and bro, Joshs dad, Jons parents, Gooch, Jamie and Amy... it meant so much to me that you guys could come out. And folks, if Brian Koch could make it all the way from freakin Chicago, you really had no good excuse for not coming yourself!

We did video and audio record the concert for posterity, so if you are interested in hearing it some time and didnt attend (jerks!) then I could probably be persuaded to let you have a listen. All in all, I think it went really well and we made it, this random group of singers... you know, some of us having sung formally in YEARS. So yeah. ROCK!


The last night of camp went spectacularly also. Amy and I planned our vespers service together... but whos kidding, it was mostly her. We did a joint vespers with the younger kids and our horse camp girls. We went out to the chapel Beth-el (Its a running contender for where I want to get married, and hopefully some day I will find someone TO marry. guess that ought to come first, no?) and we brought tons of candles with us and lit them along the alter and the pews and up the stairs. By the time the kids got there, it was into a deep dusk... it was probably about 75 degrees, little humidity, and so incredibly peaceful.

We had Jim Schuler come out and preside over communion. Before we had communion, we did a hand washing. Ive never been part of a communion service... like... actually DOING something. I am always recieving it. But I was washing and drying hands and before I did, I talked a bit about Christ being a servant and how he washed the feet of his disciples before the last supper. So before they went to recieve communion, they stopped by me and washed their hands and I dried them and said Christ has washed away your sins. I wish I knew their names better... but regardless, it was really really cool.

The whole thing really touched me for some reason. After we did all the kids, Amy (who had the grape juice) and Jim (who had the bread) and Noah (who was playing guitar) all kind of did it for each other, and it was just really special to me. Communion has always meant something to me, but this really hit home... I dont know what it was... the atmosphere, the weather, being sleepy, I dont know. I was definitely holding back tears after that.



So anyway, it was good. It was really really good. Campfire was amazing after that too, it was just so good to sing and be with the people there. It was a special night. Camp always brings the best to light.

camp

This week I am chaplaining 7th-8th grade horserider camp... we have 16 girls, and they are AWESOME. Steph is chaplaining with me... and we are ALSO chaplaining day camp, which has 4 boys all in grades 1 to 3. they are freakin adorable.

tonight I am home for a bit because we have our project dress rehersal... but then directly afterwards I will be driving back to Camp Donegal for another action-packed two days. Then Friday night is the concert... then Sat I work. woooohooo!!!

Camp has been incredibly beautiful... the weather is spectacular... though last night while sleeping I got eaten alive. I have bug bites on my arms and legs... but it was worth it to be in the cool air. The moon was so huge and bright last night, we could barely see the stars. Campfire was good too.... but I definitely smelled like smoke afterwards.

This summer camp is about the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control.

the lessons and vespers services have been going really well... so far ive taught about patience and goodness and gentleness, and they have been learning other fruits elsewhere. We came up with some fun games for the day campers... they had to draw with sidewalk chalk things that they thought were gentle and things they thought to be ungentle. And they we called out animals and objects and they had to run to the appropriate box. It got pretty silly. As I said, they are adorable.

I dont know, it just feels so good to be there, so relaxing. I feel like I can be myself and just be outside and enjoy life. Its harder to do that here all the time, theres a lot weighing me down here, I think.

more china

Sunday 06/26/06
We went to Silk Alley today. I got a gorgeous silk runner for the metsgers for like 200 yuan, down from 800, I tihnk. I got an adorable skirt for 100 yuan, a bit pricey, but I like it a lot. and I got a linen shirt for 80 yuan that I really like also, though I am not sure how wearble it actually is. I almost made THAT woman cry cuz the price was so low. I got three crystal bracelets for 120 yuan for Minica's girls, I thought that was better than a cheap nicknack. [I wish I had gotten one for me, in retrospect, they are so freakin pretty and I was tempted to keep them, but a gift is a gift, and I bought enough for me!] I got from Kingsway beautiful jade chops for Ethan and Josh, they look awesome. I think they will really like them a whole lot. Chris got a long sleeve reversable linen chinese shirt for like 280 yuan... we bargained with them forever. Its really beautiful though. [At this point, Chris referred to me as his wife and kept asking me what price I thought, so the lady started bargaining with ME. It led to me saying "I dont know, dear, you have the final say, you have to wear it! So for the rest of the time we were husband and wife and mad crazy bargain hunters!!!]
Lunch was okay, it was inside the Earth Temple. I wish we could have walked around more but we just didnt have the time. [It seemed really pretty there, lots of gardens and stuff] Its a cooler day, which is so nice, but I am not really all that excited about the perf. I realize that its an honor and a privelege to be able to do this and that a lot of people will be there, but I am so tired. I should nap before we go....


tuesday 06/27/06
The story of the dragon lady....
an emporer had many concubines, but one in particular was very cunning. she was beautiful and had a wonderful voice so one day she arranged for the Emporer to hear her singing in the garden in the Forbidden City. He immediately fell in love with her. After awhile she got pregnant with his only son and she was promoted to 2nd wife, the Empress Dowager. The Emperor died when the son ways very young, possibly because the Dragon Lady was very power hungry and poisoned him. The little boy was put on the throne and the Dragon Lady sat behind him behind a yellow silk curtain and told him what to do. This was in the West Palace. In the East Palace, First Wife, the Empress, told the boy what to do. Mysteriously, First wife died. She disappeared, and most say the Dragon Lady had a hand in it. This way, she ruled the empire she was the only one who could tell the little boy what to do. She build some of the Summer Palace during her rule. thinking that perhaps she could rule all, she poisoned her own son, who died at 18. They would not let her rule because there was a nephew to take the throne. to stay in power, she adopted the boy, at age 3. This was against all of the rules, but she did it anyway. Around the age of 20, the boy questioned the Dragon Lady and she ended up putting him under house arrest for 10 years so that she could still rule.


The concert for Eric Whitaker went suprisinginly well. Unfortunately he is under contract that no perfs of his work may be taped or recorded. sadness!
We had to wait around for literally an hour and a half before the perf. Emily got us chips (mine was BEEF flavored. ew) and crackers with nutella in the middle. kinda odd. After the concert was our farewell banquet. They sliced a roasted duck right in front of us and it was SO good but uber greasy. They had performers playing chinese instruments and a singer who wore two beautiful dresses. they also gave us rice wine - which actually is delicious in moderation... Drinks were free refills - so exciting! [The glasses in china are often 8 oz glasses, pretty tiny, and you might only get one refill. and its always either very sweet coke, sprite, water, or beer, nothing else] Anywya dinner was good and lots of fun.

On Monday we left for Xian on 5 hours of sleep. I was pretty out of it on the plane and a British guy next to me asked what we were up to. I must have looked awful bc at first he thought I had just gotten there from the US!
The good news is that I really am feeling better. I am being extremely careful about what I have been eating. Taking the cipro helped a whole lot. Dysentary SUCKS. Although I am feeling a bit better, everyone else is kinda poopy. Kim had to leave the perf and she stayed in today.
Anyway we went to see the terracotta warriors. It was pretty neat. they were built for an emporer beacuse in that culture you CAN take it with you. there were thousands [9000] of them and it took 11 years to make. Each warrior is slightly different, especially in the face. It was neat, though less impressive than I had imagined. There are 80 some burial mounds like it in Xian, many not excavated bc they cannot preserve the artifacts once in the air.

[Here is a story I actually forgot aobut until recently. When I was at the museum, a woman came up to me and actually asked me to translate some signs. Well, not really translate. She was a curator at the Terracotta Warriors Museum and they were going to be making some new signs for the olympics and such, and she wanted me to give her the correct english to put on the signs!!! So she told me the gist of what she wanted them to say, of course in kind of broken mixed up english, and I said and wrote down what she might say instead and in the correct order. SO maybe the next time someone goes to the Warrior Museum, the will see a sign that was written by me!!!]

We had a free afternoon which was highly necessary and wonderful. Dinner was good and we had a free night too! The hotel we are at (the Bell Tower Hotel) is really nice and has a gorgeous view of the Bell Tower across the street. The 6 lane street. crazy. [there are actually pedestrian underpasses!!!]
So last night we played the paper game where one person starts writing a sentence and you pass it on and other people continue until the paper is used up. Then you read them out loud. It was really fun.
We were worried bc they kids wanted to drink and we were not wanting to encourage that. They had a bit, but not even close to a buzz. It worked out well and we all bonded. It was pretty fun.

Today we went to the Shaanxi PRovincial Museum. Truth be told, it was boring. Lots of 2000 yr old pottery. Overall, it just wasnt all that appealing to me. Kate and I got tea though. I got Jasmine and she got Green. It was very fresh and smelled so amazing. So we paid 60 yuan for a small container, I was pretty pleased though.
We then went to the jade factory. I got a small circle of white and green jadite for $37. It seemed like a lot to me, but the jade is beautiful and the ality gaurenteed. The gade jets more beautiful over time bc of a chemical reaction while the oils get absorbed from the skin into the jade. I am going to make a bracelet of it, im so excitd!
We went to lunch and the n to the Wild Goose Pagoda for Buddhist Worship. It was very beautiful and I have a ton of pictures.
After THAT we went to a Chinese Muslim Mosque, which I liked even more than the Pagoda. To get there we walked thru a market, which was very close together and everyone sells mostly the same stuff. we also walked past a real public toilet - nasty. I cant imagine having to go that badly that I would suffer it. Someone cracked a joke that the items sold around there ar eprobably a good bargain bc no one wants to stand there very long!
Anyway, the mosque was so beautiful and again I find myself wishing Ethan could see it. It was so peaceful. here they pray to the West, which is very cool.
Tonight we have a perf at the Xian Conservatory of Music... I must remember to write about the noodles