Tuesdays with Morrie

I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

I think you cannot read the book without being somewhat moved... because if you are moved, it perhaps means you are on the right track with your life... and if you do not allow yourself to be moved, you somehow feel that you really ARE failing life's lessons.

I guess that is part of what makes the book so wildly popular.


That being said, it was a good book and it has a lot of good lessons in it.



I guess the main theme of the book is living life. As far as what THAT means... well, I suppose there is an ultimate truth. Living life.... it seems so simple a concept, yet everyone seems to have trouble with it.

It is amazing to me how the lessons I learned in China keep coming back when I need the reinforcement.


Life is not about how much money you make, the material objects you have... it is not celebrities, or being riduclously skinny... it is not about your new car or clothes.... material things die, they always do... they are transient and pass away.

Life and really living it has to do with the things that never die.... love... hope... family... friends... companionship.... making a difference. A real difference.


I suppose it is, in part, what led me to teaching... though I did not see it at the time. I think, (and I may be totally wrong), that people have an innate desire or pull towards these immortal things. They want love. They want companionship. They want to have hope. People WANT to mean something....

Yet they mistakenly overlook these things and think that they can accomplish the permenant with actions or objects that are transient.

Why?


Why indeed.



Mostly, I think, because you have to be really vulnerable to accomplish the permenant. To love is to hurt. To have a relationship is to be honest. To hope is to acknowledge that there are ugly things in the world, too. This is hard.

But the fear of vulnerability is unwarrented... once you start doing it, it gets easier and easier, like a muscle being exercised. You force yourself to be open until it is second nature, until you needn't use force, until you have trained yourself to let people in.



For all my soapboxing, I have to admit that I am only just starting to live my life. I am only just beginning to get a glimpse of what life really is, and what life offers that actually matters.

And I am so happy for it.

I am so happy that I have found a vocation that matters.... and I really honestly think it does. It is what I want to do... and when I get those emails from students or parents, or phone calls which say, in not so many words, thank you for paying attention to me... it is an indescribable feeling.


When you give, you get.

But that is not WHY you should give... the ultimate reward is giving.... even when you do not get back. You find that you can give and give and give until you think you cannot give anymore.... and then you DO give more, and in those times you learn so much about the amazing creation that you are.



Some times I get frustrated at school... because giving students a second chance requires a lot of book keeping. It requires time and organization... It means I have to go out of my way, when I have so many other things to do, other students to fret over.
Right now, I think my excel spreadhseet has maybe 25 or 30 students on it... all of which I am tracking daily, removing late penalies, cutting them breaks, harassing them (for lack of a better term) to turn things in...

And when asked why I do it, the only reason I can come up with is that Life has not given them very many second chances, they should at least have one (or two or three) when it comes to their education so that they CAN make their lives better.

Do they know I care this much? I have no idea. Some do, I suppose, and they are the source for those schoolmails. It is amazing how taking 5 seconds out of my day to type out a quick "how are you doing? is there anything I can do for you?" can impact a 15 or 16 yr old. To wish them a happy birthday, or to inquire about their kid, or their sick uncle, or whatever.... it DOES matter, and that IS really living life.


At least, I think so.



And what of everything else? Well I admit I struggle... and struggle often... especially as I see my friends marry and move away. I miss them. I am not very good at making new close friends... because, for as much as I want to live, it is hard for me to really let people in and allow them to see who I am.

In a sense, I really AM always ME. I cannot lie about who I am. But showing someone my pain... or showing someone my sadness... or my deepest fears... or my faith.... that is so hard, and its part of what is necessary for me personally to have a close friend. Even if I do not actually share these things directly with them... the ABILITY to, that is what counts... and that is the muscle I am trying to strengthen.


As I said to Jon today, sometimes you just have to jump in, it is the only way to get to that point. You have to take a leap and go for it.




Over the past year, I have developed a distinct lack of fear for death, and I think it is born out of my attempt to live. Surely, death is sad, but it really is part of life. And, for me, at least, I am assured of my place in Heaven. I am confident that my mortal life is the blink of an eye in the continuum of my spirit. I am mostly confident that if I passed away tonight in my sleep, most people would know how I really feel towards them. Not completely sure... but I think, at least, they would know that I love them.

All of them.


Really.



But I would like to get better. To spend more time... because really, what else is more important?




I also liked, in the book, where they talk about fully experiencing emotions so that you can detach from them. And this is also something I have discovered how to do, particularly in the past few months. To allow yourself to feel sadness and to not be afraid. It IS okay to cry. It IS okay to mourn and feel sad.... but you have to let it go, let it wash through you and away from you. Pain is a part of life too, and it helps make those sweet moments even sweeter. I am not fantastic at doing it, and sometimes I want to throw myself a pity party... and sometimes I do... but they are getting fewer and further between, and that is a blessing.


But who knows, maybe I am just some silly idealist. Yet I would rather live a life I thought meanful and had purpose than the incredibly dull, meaningless, and repetative life of someone who focuses on the transient.


I want to do the things that are *me*. I want to make a difference. I want to love love love. I want to see the world and understand how people live. I want to see and have and hold real hope, real joy.


I know I will have many days of failure, full of meaningly toil.... but there will be times I succeed, I am sure of it, and hopefully those will become more numerous in number.



I think that is it for now.

picts of papa

The concert went well, and ive updated my photos.... Actually I have posted a LOT of photos recently, so check out my photobucket account... the link is to the right.


The concert went well, and there are things to write about, but I just do not have time at the moment.



<3

cd

I just bought a new CD... It is titled Long Ride Home... the artist is Tom Sartori.

I think I am really going to like it...


So far my favorite tracks are One More Whiskey and Are You Ready For Me... Left Hook is pretty good too. The lyrics overall are really great, but I cannot seem to find them on the internet anywhere, so hopefully lyrics will come with the cd when I get it. The song Possibilities also wins for fun guitar riffs.



Check it out. ;)

happy singles awareness day

Just so you know....

You can have snowball fights with socks.



It is a lot of fun. :)



Have a great Valentine's Day!!!! I spent mine at home on a snow day from both school and grad classes.... I also put in 3 hours to beat Twilight Princess. It only took about 51 hours. AWESOME!

benevolence

Last night, my brother came in to me crying. He does not cry that much, but he was pretty shaken up.

He does not have a lot of people he would consider close friends, or good friends... or even friends. A lot of people have screwed him over, and a lot of "friends" turned out to be absolute jerks.... but he does have a few, and one of them was Meg, a girl he kept in touch with from where he used to work.

Meg died on the 12th when her drunk boyfriend crashed their car into a telephone pole after a work party.

A party my brother would have been at if he had been home from Utah.


What does it all mean? Why would a beautiful, smart girl, a senior in college, good job, good family, die instantly? Is it all random? Do such things have purpose? Is there a God, and if so, why did He let this happen???

These are all things he asked me.

It is incredibly difficult to understand such things, and I do not have all the answers, but I was able to tell him what I believe.

I believe such things do have a purpose... I believe there is a God who watches over us, who knows us to our core, who created us, and who has laid a path for us. I believe everyone has their time. Everyone's days are numbered. You do not know when you will go... but you do know you will.

Ido not believe such things are utterly random. To think of all the events that led up to that night... her and her boyfriend had been fighting... if they hadn't, perhaps things would have been different... maybe she had thought about quitting her job before, but she did not, and so she was at that party.... who knows....

One thing is for certain... it is completely moronic to drive while under the influence or to be in a car when they driver is. It is stupid, senseless, and just.... sigh.... just wrong. Everyone knows it. But everyone also says that nothing will happen to them.


When did we begin to think we were invincible?


When did we begin to think that all there is to life is pleasure? It just isn't true.


She died, and everyone else has to pay the price and suffer the loss. And it is not even her fault!!! But.... is it? Could she have done something different? Probably. But she didn't.

I prefer to believe that God is in control of my life... I make bad decisions under my own rule. I want to do things based on immediate gratification.... I went to be happy NOW.... instead of doing the RIGHT thing. That being said, its a fine line... you do not want to be overly cautious, and you want to keep moving on with your life even when you feel like it is ending....

Yet still, I want to lead a life of hope. Hope in God, hope in love... in friends, in family.... hope for a future which is Joy. And I cannot make that happen alone. God can. And that is why I believe.



If you get a chance, say a prayer for her friends and family... that they can find peace, that they can learn from this,and that they can continue to live, and hopefully not be consumed by sorrow and resent.

busy busy

Things have been rather busy as of late... and I have not had too much time to detail it, so here it goes.


Thursday night, Jon came over and helped me make some wedding soup. I had never made it before, and I did not have a recipie... so I was just hoping that I had absorbed some of my mother's magic. On Friday, we had a soup and salad luncheon at school, so I took it there... and I guess I DID get some of that finesse because that soup was GONE. I mean... GONE.

I tried some of it too, and it was pretty good. Not quite my mom's, but it was yummy.

On Friday, I went to Jon's and attempted to nurse him back to help with some of the soup, but instead, I caught his cold and now paying for it, but we will get to that later.

Nick came over and we sat around and chatted for awhile. I watched wife swap and a show on professional ballroom dancing while they did.... I dont know what they did... I was rather involved in both.


Sat was a really good day. Me, Nick, Jon, Lauren, Dave, Josh, and Leslie volunteered for GoodWorks. They have recently moved their storage building into a broken down warehouse right by Renacad... unfortunately for us, it meant we were more or less "outside" all day. The windows were broken and the ceiling caving in. Don't worry, we all signed a release form.

Nick and I teamed up and went for two windows which were broken. They had large sheets (would you call them sheets?) of compressed cardboard type material which we cut to fit the windows.


We cut them with a circular saw.


teehee.


Now, when the project manager asked if we had experience with a circular saw, I immediately said yes. But the truth was that while I was comfortable with using one... someone had to tell me HOW to use it. We got some instruction from the guy and off we went. I must admit, I am good with a circular saw. It was a lot of fun, and I still have all of my fingers. So does Nick, for that matter.

After that, we used screw guns to screw in the board.

While we were doing that, most of the rest of us were screwing in plywood to secure a "room". Josh spent most of his day doing that, and I think he liked it. Dave "supervised" and handed him screws. Slacker.


In the other room (which, by the way, reminded me of that really scary show they used to play on MTV where they would take people to abandoned hospitals and jails and stuff and have them walk around with cameras and things), people put plastic over the windows and swept dirt off of the floor. Afterwards, we framed out two rooms... who knew how easy it was to build a room! I suck terribly at nailing... I think its a depth perception thing... but we had a good time.

My body was ACHING afterwards, so while we ate ice cream at DQ, we made plans for that night to have a hot tub party.

I drove home from p-ville and jumped into the shower. I do get somewhat of a perverse joy out of seeing dirt run off of my body.


I drove BACK to p-ville where we (me, Les, Josh, and Nick) went to see Pan's Labyrinth at the Colonial Theater. First of all, SUCH a cool place to see movies. It makes me ache for the days I never saw, where going to the movies was a glamorous event where you dressed up and wore pearls and hats and furs. We decided we MUST start frequenting it.

The movie itself was.... to paraphrase Graham... disturbingly awesome. I highly recommend it, but beware for the amputation scene. It is one of those "no way are they going to show us that"... and then they do. Ouch.


So then (this is a long day, even in writing!) we drove back to my place and went in the hot tub. It felt soooooooo wonderful... however our new hot tub is not meant for 4 or 5 normal sized people. I think it is probably best with 3 max. 2 if no one has clothes on though. :)

Jon slept over (in my room, I took Chris' cuz he was not home yet) and we went to church together on Sunday. It is interesting to get an "outsiders" perspective. He is used to presbyterian churches and "classic" services... Calvary is not really either of those things. He says he liked it and was interested in going again, perhaps when they start 1 John. Looks like its back to going to church alone for awhile. :(

On Sunday the scripture was 2 Peter 2... which talks about false teachers within the body of Christ. It was interesting because there are a number of parts in there which can lend credo to the idea that you are either God's child, or you are not, that it is, indeed, not a choice.... that it is final, done, decided, and you have nothing to do with it. As much as it is a scary thing, its a beautiful thing to realize that you are not really in control of your life. At least, not the major trends and big things.

After church, we had choir rehersal from 2:30 until about 5:15 or so.... it was long and I am a bit fretful about our upcoming concert. There are a few songs that are - lets just say - awful. Terrible. Suck-tastic. We shall see, though.

That night, Jon helped me procrastinate and then I left for Harrisburg around 8:15. I got there around 9:30 (who says I drive fast?) and checked into the Best Western. From there, Graham checked in on me and we sat around for awhile talking and half-watching tv.

I went to bed around 11ish and got up at a bright and early 6 to go off to proctor PSSA testing. As much as I would love to go off on PSSA testing, I feel like this post is getting too long anyway.

So let's just say I proctored, and we had an okay time, and I really did not get any work done... but I was allowed to go home around 2 because, as I said before, I caught Jon's cold. I woke up on Monday a bass, and our site leader felt bad for me, so I was allowed to leave. Three people stayed behind, and I am actually kind of concerned because IT IS SNOWING !


Speaking of which, I got up, again, bright and early today to go to work. They let us leave around 10:45 for an early dismissal. Of course everyone says, why dismiss us early, its not like kids are there... but WE are there!!!! Is our safety not important?!?!??!!

I got home and proceeded to continue working on school....


Oh wait...


No, actually, I played Zelda for almost 2 hours, then watching Heroes from last night, then scanned through DOOL fairly quickly... and now I am here, procrastinating again, attempting to grade papers, but instead writing this. Lovely.


There is more to write, but not in here, so I will start a new post, I think...

Snow Flower & The Secret Fan

I know that I just posted, but I forgot to mention the wonderful book I have been reading.

It is called Snow Flower & The Secret Fan, by Lisa See.



It chronicles the life of a woman in China back many dynasties ago. Snow flower is her laotong, or "old same". It is like a best friend that was chosen by a match maker based on several matching qualifications. A laotong pair has a contract that is more important than wedding vows, because you promise to be faithful and true for the rest of your life. Your husband may take concubines, but your old same provides emotional stability, trust, and openness that may never be violated by anyone else.

The book also discusses the common practices of footbinding, "falling into" marriage and to your in-laws family, and nu shu ~ women's italicized and stylized characters which are written in secret.


The book captivated my attention for a number of reasons... not just my fascination of asian culture, but the women themselves. Though they were fictional, they symbolized women of the time, how they felt and thought... how they HAD to act, because culture dictated it.

Snow Flower and her old same, who later became the Lady Lu, hated to have their feet bound into "perfect golden lilies", yet they eagerly discussed the binding of their own daughters... knowing that without tiny folded feet (7 cm was perfection), they could never marry into a good family.


That crippled feet heightened your status is astounding!



Anyway, the book was amazing, and last night made me cry. I have 10 more pages to go, but I could not read more because I was a bit overwhelmed emotionally. The book is very well written and you easily fall into the lives of the two laotong. I would recommend it to anyone, though probably women would get more involved in it.

I would like to write more on it later, because it caused me a lot of thoughts.... but I guess the book report must come before the discussion.



I would love to explain how exactly it made me feel... hopefully I will get around to it. What i have written so far doesnt even start to touch upon it.

back

the fam

the view from Jupiter peak, 9250 ft.

me

Since coming home on Monday night, things have been up and down. I am tired, my face is wind burnt and rub burned... so i am constantly picking it.... Emotionally I am up and down, though whether its the hormones or just plain old life, I am unsure.

Today has been a better day than expected, but I am still aching in multiple ways. Sometimes when I am in the best of moods, it seems to hit the hardest.


Ah well.



I gave my students a microbial disease project, which was due yesterday. I have spent most of today printing them out so that I can grade them. I have been, for the most part, extremely pleased with the results. Even the kid who does NOTHING (literally) in my class turned in a very good powerpoint. This project grabs everyone, usually... who is NOT interested in learning about tetanus if they have the option?

So that is a small victory today, and I am content with it.



The next few weeks are going to be rather busy... on Sat, I have organized a group to do GoodWorks, the local equivalent of Habitat for Humanity. I am hoping more people are willing to come out because a few people had to cancel due to family obligations. Its really hard to get people to wake up early on a Sat and work all day for free.... even when it is for a fantastic cause. I don't get it, because I feel like there is so much more that I could be doing with my time... there are so many more productive things than sleeping in a few hours. But that is just me, I am not trying to guilt you or anything.


On Sunday, I will be able to attend church for the first time in 3 weeks, and I am looking forward to it. I missed most of 1 Peter, and he is now delving into 2 Peter... so hopefully I will be able to catch up. I am told he has been moving at a lightening pace, so we shall see. It will be lonely, and I got more used to going to church with someone than I realized. Shrug.


Also on Sunday I have to travel to Harrisburg after rehearsal in order to proctor PSSAs on Monday and Tuesday. I am not really looking forward to it. In fact, I am pretty darned bitter about it. But I have friends who are going in my group, so it will be fun to spend time with them outside of school.


So that knocks out bible study on Monday, which really stinks, because we have not had bible study the past two mondays, and I was looking forward to it. Bible study, like church, has kind of integrated itself into my life, and I miss it more than I thought I would when I do not have it. Strange how that works.


Next Wednesday is THE Hallmark Holiday, and I do not have plans... aside from class, which happens to fall on Wednesdays. No, I do not plan on wearing red or pink.


Another good thing: my fetal pigs came today. Hopefully next Thursday or Friday I will tape a dissection. I am definitely looking forward to that. I also got great dissection instruments in the mail... me + sharp objects + dead animals = fun time.


Don't be scared.



The week after THAT, we have off on Monday (yay), and then on Wednesday the science dept will be flying out to Pittsburgh and meet with our students... I will be dissecting more pigs with them. I hope that my students can make it... I think it will be a lot of fun.

Then Thursday, Friday, and Sat is the first PAPA concert... should be... interesting. Anyway, there are some grand plans out on the table, so we shall see if any of them come to pass.


The weekend after that is my laparoscopy. :( I am scared, to be honest, and despite my fascination with diseases and my adoration of dissection... I do not particularly want to be involved in them personally. I realize that its a perfectly common procedure and all that good stuff... and I dont need to be told to think rationally or think positively or anything like that. I want to be comforted, and when it happens, I want to be taken care of. I do not need a solution, I just need some hugs and holding and loving words. Is that too much to ask?



So, things will be rather busy for awhile... and it will be March. February, though just beginning, is already moving quickly. Thank goodness, too, because only time can put distance between me and the things that tear at my heart and mind.



I am not sure why this song, or why today... but it feels like it fits.


Reflection ~ Blackthorn

(a)
It was just the other night
I came across a staggering sight
A fellow headed straight for me
A tall man with a lot to say

We talked until the break of day
And much to my dismay
He comes from the same town as me
It's funny how he looks like me

At the time I could not tell
Who he was, it's just as well


(chorus)
I'm looking at a tragedy
A demon cast a spell upon me
Have I lost my dignity?
It's hard for me to see

I'm looking at a tragedy
A demon will not set me free
Of all the things I can't believe,
I'm looking right at me


(b)
I looked back and then I stared
At the person standing there
It's amazing that he said
The things that jumped around my head

Should I listen clear?
Or is this craziness I hear?
Is it right or wrong?
I asked again, but he was gone

At the time I could not tell
Who he was, it's just as well

(chorus)

(bridge)
It didn't take too long to find that you were just like me
And now I know who I can call

We were standing face to face
You know the years have gone

But you can't spend your whole life
Looking at me
Looking at you
Wondering what we're gonna do

(chorus)

Park City, Utah

I am having a pretty good time out here in Park City, Utah with my family.


Go ahead...


You know you want to say it.



I told you so.


Okay, well, yes, I am enjoying it more than I thought, mostly due to the fact that I do not feel like hell in a handbasket.

We were out for a few hours yesterday getting our "ski legs". My mom and I both rented snow blades, which I am enjoying quite a bit. I have never been on skis before, and I had been on a snowboard once, and ski blades once... So I went for the blades, and I am so glad that I did.

Yesterday we stuck to the bunnies (which really arent bunnies, but greens, only short) while my dad and brother went up and did a few longer runs.

Today my brother joined the snow blading fun, and amazingly enough, did not take to it as quickly as I did. I think it is bc with snowboarding, you use your body to turn, but with skiing, you do not at all, and I think with the blades you do, but only a little bit.

We all went to the peak today - 10,000 ft. It was a gorgeous view, peaceful, quiet... and the cold is not as bone chilling as it is at home. The cold here (even when its like 15 degrees) is more like a crisp autumn morning. It smacks you, but its refreshing and clear.

The cold got to me a bit today, and my toes took the brunt of it... the rest of me was fine. But some of you may know of my poor circulation (except around 10 pm, when I turn into a furnace). But really I have been enjoying myself and I loved doing the greens from the peak down.

My mom is definitely hurting... and strangely enough, shes dying in her thighs, while I my calves are SCREAMING. We are thinking about pedicures tomorrow, perhaps? Or maybe the next, who knows. I think Monday will be facials. :)



We have had a lot of laughs and good bonding time... we have not come close to killing each other, except maybe the first night when I slept with my mom and she snored like a freight train and i kicked her multiple times to get her to stop... :)


We just got back from hot tubbing it, and it is time for a shower. mmmmmmwarmth.

We have some good pictures too, so I will get those up when I get home.

song of the day

Lead of Love ~ Caedmon's Call


Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee