Christmas Eve

Well here it is, Christmas Eve. The past 2 weeks have been interesting for me... Not only have I resigned from the hospital, but I also decided to embark on a gluten-free and (mostly) dairy-free diet. I also cu 7 inches off my hair and decided to divest my consciousness of as much stress as possible.

I am sure that it sounds like a mid-life crisis... but it isn't.

Essentially, I decided that I was way too stressed out for an almost-30-yr-old and that I was not enjoying life as much as I ought. I mean, I have a great family, a wonderful husband, a nice house, good friends, a stable income... there was no reason for me to be all Eeyore all the time, and that was what I was feeling like.

The resignation:
It went well. My boss was like yeah, that is cool, whatever. She was totally not shocked or upset or really showed any feeling at all besides telling me that sounded like a good idea given my situation. My co-workers here have been quite supportive, most of them saying things like, "You are too young to work so hard" and "If you do not HAVE to work, why would you?!"
Do I feel relief yet? Well, not quite. I do not think it will hit until later in January when I start having some free weekends. I am at work tonight. Then I have Sunday and New Years Day, then it is over. It is incredibly strange to think I will be gone from here because, in some ways, its been somewhat of a home to me. Working here is like forced "down time". I have singular focus here and it slows my mind down from thinking of the million things I need to do. In many ways, the straightforwardness of this job has been a little oasis for me. My task is simple: I get blood, I test it, I made slides, I read it, I result it. There is no need for me to organize my own time, I am not distracted by meetings or children, and I get a lot of time to sit in read. Not a bad thing. But as I lay in bed earlier today, I could not help but think how much I did not want to go on Christmas Eve and I wanted to stay in bed and sleep and cuddle and read.... soon, soon.

The diet:
As I have written before, I have been doing quite a bit of reading on endometriosis and my research has driven me to investigate nutrition as a treatment. So far, so good? I guess??? It is actually not *that hard* to give up gluten. But it means not really eating out and reading lots of labels. It also means doing your own baking and spending more money than you usually would on food.
Is it working? Heck if I know. I may NOT know until I get my period next time. I can say this -the transition has been interesting for my intestines. Not to get gross, but there is some strange stuff going on down there. Jon has been eating more gluten free stuff too, and it is doing the same stuff to him. Let's just say that we are really lucky that we can talk about poop together and are not afraid to fart in front of each other. I can't imagine a marriage working otherwise!
I guess the good thing about it is that if my next period is great, then I will know this is working for me and I should keep it up. And if it does not work, I can dive right back into a huge pile of bread, biscuits, cookies, and cheese. I think that if there is not some amazing transformation, I will probably continue on it and become even more militant about it and see what happens.
By the way, I am utterly convinced that there is NO good substitute for real cheese. I had thought that the gluten side of this would be difficult... I was wrong, it is the dairy. I am not a big milk drinker, so switching to almond has been easy. I got a box (shudder) of hemp milk to try out to see if that is any good. But the cheese... ohhhh the cheese.... I have been really good and not eaten any but HOLY GUACOMOLE do the cheese substitutes suck. I have only tried a few kinds (its expensive to keep trying new ones, gag on them, and throw the rest away). Quite seriously, even my CAT will not eat the fake cheese... and she eats stink bugs.
Tomorrow should be interesting. For Christmas we are having turkey and all of the trimmings. But as I mentally view the menu I think- no stuffing, no bread, no gravy, no cookies, no ice cream, no pie. :/
Basically they recommend a gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, and red meat free diet. So..... yeah. Again, it has not been tough except for that freaking dairy. And sugar. Who can really give up sugar? In good news though, I made gluten-free dairy-free chocolate chip cookies today, and they are good. Like, really good. But then again, theres 3/4 a cup of white sugar and 3/4 cup of brown sugar in it, how could it not be good? :)

The hair:
Awhile back I was used as a "model" for a salon education class on consultations. They were teaching their stylists how to meet new customers and talk to them about their hair. I think I presented quite a challenge for them when I went in and told them I had not gotten my hair cut in over a year, I do not own a blow dryer or a brush, I never use "product", and if I cannot walk out of the house with my hair wet and feel confident it will look acceptable later, it will not do. :) So I went for my haircut and she actually did a really nice job. She also gave me shampoo and conditioner that I really like AND gave me "product" I can actually use. And my hair smells good all freaking day. That actually reminds me of being younger. I always just used whatever shampoo was around. I had an affinity for Herbal Essences (when it first came out) but it made my skin break out so I had to stop using it. Anyway, my hair would smell great in the shower and then just smell like hair for the rest of the day. I was always jealous of girls who would walk by and you would get a whiff of their hair. Is that strange? But now that is ME and I thoroughly enjoy getting surprise little aromas from my hair. Stupid, probably, but it's the small pleasures in life...

Divesting:
I have a friend who stresses me out. And I can write about it because I know she does not read this blog. Even if I gave her the name of the blog, she would not read it, because she would feel it was an invasion of privacy, even if I told her she could and invited her to do it. If, some day, she DOES read this, then I would assume our friendship was in a position that this post would not matter anymore. Let's hope, because that is what I would really like.
Anyway, she is the cause of quite a bit of stress in my life. We were, in essence, best friends, even if she would not admit it. She is a difficult person to be friends with. She is very up and down with her emotions, incredibly private, stubborn, and in general likes to be ornery. But it was worth it to deal with that because she's actually quite passionate, intelligent, caring, loving, and sensitive, even though you had to crack her shell to see it. As I said, it was worth it to me, because she is a great person, and very different from a lot of people I know. In many ways, personally challenging, which can be good and bad, but mostly good.
But then something happened. And I am not really sure WHAT happened... but I think it was a combination of things. School started and was awful for us both. I could not be supportive of her because I was barely keeping myself afloat... she did not want to admit she was in a bad spot, so I did not know, having so much trouble myself. Nan died. My mind was consumed with school and supporting my mom and working at the hospital and trying to get everything done... I did not talk to anyone! It was misread as dislike. She was such a girl about it (you know what I mean), and I was probably "my father" and felt like it was making a mountain out of a molehill. Hormones were in play. Emotions were in play. I felt like if she were my close friend, she would try to support me. She probably felt like I should push everything aside and support her. Neither of us could.
And now? Now I just do not know. She made a nasty face at me in the hall the other week. She avoids my gaze at all costs. She never speaks to me, and I have given up trying to talk to her after working incredibly hard just to get a yes or a no out of her. At our little Christmas gathering of work friends, she avoided me all night, did not even thank me for the amazing present that I and two of her other "friends" put together. And it is not just me... she is treating everyone poorly, but me most of all. But then as I left work yesterday, she was actually eating lunch with the girls (which she has not done in months) and actually accepted a cookie from me and said more than one word. It almost made me think that suddently things had changed again. Truthfully, I can forgive and forget. She is not really the type. Because of this, she has trouble truly believing that I would just forgive and forget. If we could just talk and get past this...
So what to do? As I said... I have to divest. For better or worse, I need to get my own act together, and as much as my instinct is to push and push and not let her go and try to worm my way into her mind and figure out what is going on and see if I can help her fix whatever issues she is working through right now.... I just can't. And I think she takes that as something against her, but it isn't. I cannot support anyone right now, regardless of who they are. All of these changes I am making are to help me get healthy. Stress makes me physically ill. Mentally, I am totally fine! But physically, I am not well. And to do that, I have to get rid of everything that causes me stress. And that includes her. I would not say "for good". I am just not like that. But attempting to save our friendship has to go on a shelf right now. I do not have the strength to fight for BOTH of us, and she has made it quite clear that she will not be coming to me any time soon to resolve things. I am strong, and in many ways, my tenacity has seen our friendship through quite a few misunderstandings, but it is just too much right now. Is that admitting weakness? I am not sure. I want to think I can handle everything at once and sometimes I think of myself like one of those plate-spinning people... but I guess everyone has a limit, and I am at mine. Either that, or I am reaching a new plateau in maturity. It is hard to admit that I have to stop anything, or that I cannot handle everything. But I can't. And I cannot ignore how poorly she has been treating me and I cannot pretend nothing is wrong and I cannot keep trying when it feels like continuously running my head into a brick wall.
I guess the best way to describe what I am doing is just putting it on a shelf. Literally I have been physically ill with the stress of dealing with this friendship because it is such a rollercoaster. So right now, I am stepping off the rollercoaster, going to go on a nice relaxing ride on the swings, hit up the lazy river, and when I feel better, maybe I will try getting back on. If she is there and willing, great. If she is not, then at least I did not waste my precious time working on the impossible.


I do feel in some ways that this is a time of growing up for me. Again, NOT a mid-life crisis... but a re-evaluation of what I really want in my life. Fortunately, I am really decisive, and this has not been as hard on me as it might for others. My path is usually laid pretty clear and I trust my instincts. I have a lot of things to look forward to... I intend to join back up with Reverb. Not singing is like missing a piece of my soul. Jon's birthday is coming, and we have some weekend plans already. My little niece and nephew twins are coming soon, and we are planning to spend time with them. I intend to spend spring break in Tampa with my brother. I am considering taking yoga again or joining the Y. We are hosting Turkey Wow IV this year. Good things are coming. And if I can loosen this knot in my stomach, I will enjoy them all the more, so that is the goal.

Thoughts? :)

What gives?

Very clearly, something needs to change.

I have definitely felt this way before in stressful times, particularly when it comes to big decisions. The last time I felt this way was definitely before I quit my first teaching job halfway through the year. It was a gut-wrenching decision to leave those kids in the middle of the year, but once I did it, I felt instant relief. That makes me think I should just do it.

What is it?

Well, I really must figure out what to do about my secondary job.

It is a point of pride for me that I have been working at the hospital for 7 years. I am especially proud of being a med tech, of passing my boards, of doing work that is underappreciated but crucial nontheless. On top of it, I actually like working here. I like the people. I like hematology. I like knowing what the numbers mean. I like being the one people go to for medical advice, even if they really should not be coming to me at all!!! I like having my fingers in this pie (even if it sounds dirty) because it is a VERY lucrative job, especially on the weekends.

But I am so stressed out.

I feel like the time has come to examine the possibilities and figure out how to optimize my enjoyment out of life. Right now, and for the past few months, it has not been all that enjoyable. I think it is a combination of three things: school, hospital, & endometriosis.

I cannot really control school. It is what it is. I have too many students, and that probably will not change. I have a new course to write in the spring, and that will not change. I have professional development to do, self-improvement to do, and am constantly evaluated. I have the Keystone exams looming over my shoulder in the Spring, which (at this point) about half of my students will fail. There is little I can do to change those things except to keep working, keep juggling the load, and keep pressing forward as best I can.

I cannot control the endometriosis. It is painful. It causes me stress daily. In the previous post, I wrote about trying a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. I am. And that is about all I can do to try to manage the endo. So I am going to do that, but it requires that I spend time being very considerate of my diet and prepare my own food. I can do this. But I need some time.

So we come to the hospital... At the hospital, I bring home an extra $10,000 every year after taxes. It is a sweet deal. But when I have a work weekend coming up, I dread it. I hate the time away from doing things I actually want to do, and I have to ask myself: is it really worth it?

This is the crossroads I am at: do I stay or do I go? What reprocussions will it have?



I know that there are a lot of different scenarios, so bear (bare?) with me as I flesh them out...

1. Nothing changes
- If nothing changes, then I will still feel the same unless I can change something else. I already got rid of singing this past semester, which is practically like telling my cat sorry, you cannot drink out of the faucet anymore. It makes her relatively unhappy and I have missed singing certainly. The bonus side ot nothing changes is that I still continue to make mucho dinero. For the past year, I have saved every penny from this job and it is paying for our trip to Australia. So yeah. If nothing changes, its nice in that respect because we will go on our trip and then probably get preggers and buy a car when we get home because we CAN afford it.

2. I quit the hospital
- Since I am going to be buying and making more specialized food, we will be spending a bit more there. J & I have discussed what this means for our family monetarily, and it means considering a true budget. We have lived quite comfortably so far without much regard to spending. Fortunately, we are totally cheap and do not often go crazy. It has been lovely though to go out to an expensive dinner with friends, or a weekend away, and not stress over it. We think though that this will still be possible so long as we are looking at our daily spending. Doing some carpooling to work, making sure that we are PACKING our lunches daily, without fail. I think we can do this. In the long run, we DO need to get moving on a family and we WILL need a new car.
- There are some other things to consider here. The main one being that my school currently owes me one whopper of a bonus for the past 2 years of working there. If I can procure that bonus, then working at the hospital is not going to matter... that money will make up for it. But will I get it? Can I get it? Well, maybe. But that makes me feel better about quitting if I can get that money or will get it in the relative future.
- New jobs... I am crossing my fingers and trying to work an angle to get into a new school next year. No promises, but I really am perfect for it, so hopefully that will work out and I will be making enough to cover my loss at the hospital. J, in the meantime, is going to keep looking, hopefully with a little more vigor, since we have major plans for 2011 (Australia, car, baby). If we both got paid what we actually would get paid in a normal company, it would more than make up for this part time job.

3. Scenario 3 is a tricky one.... I always thought I would quit the hosiptal when we had a child. And no, we are not pregnant, so that means I have to wait maybe even another YEAR til that happens. But I have considered the possibility of taking a sabatical from school and being a stay at home mom and working at the hospital. It makes sense. I would work every other weekend and be home with *it* all week. And we could do it. We really could do it with J's job and my pay here... it would mean even MORE budgeting, but its truly a possibility. Yet when I consider that a) we are not going to even try to start a family til after Australia and b) I would be pregnant (hopefully) for quite a few months... this seems like a long shot. It almost seems worth it to quit now and then if we WANT to do something like this, to check back and see if there is a position open.

4. The other scenario is that I attempt to talk my way into making this even more part time. For almost 2 years I worked only on Sats. I might be able to talk my way into that kind of situation again, but I might not. I got a pretty huge guilt trip about my previous arrangement, even though other people also work JUST sats or JUST suns. I might have to find someone to take the Sundays if that is the case. The problem is that this is a gossip mill, just like any other company, so if I start poking around for someone to split the position with me, it will invariably get around to the supers. I could try to pre-empt that and talk with them first? But at this point, I am not even sure that is what I WANT. Do I really want to still give up my Sats? Is that even a compromise??? I am not sure it is.


In some ways, I almost feel greedy keeping this job. Despite the fact that I really enjoy working here, in the end, it is about the money. When I think about how this job makes me *feel*, it does not seem worth it. Why the stress? I know I have complained about it before, but not everyone always understands.
I feel like we do not have friends because every time someone wants to do something, we are busy, or we have to check our schedule to see if I am working.
Every *important* holiday, I work. This year, Christmas Eve and New Years Day.
I feel like my house is a mess. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen, but we rushed out leaving dirty pans in the sink. We are working on our toilets, so right now there is an old toilet seat sitting by the front door. EVERYTHING is dusty. In the basement, we have furniture to get rid of and laundry and Christmas stuff all over the place. In the upstairs bathroom, Jon has it half torn apart and there are tools all over. Pictures are sitting ont he ground everywhere waiting to be hung. The office has a year's worth of reciepts that need to be sorted and filed. And I feel like I only have 4 days a month to do this stuff. When I work, Jon relaxes... and seriously, I do not deny him that time, he needs downtime and friendtime just like I do. So when we have a "free" weekend, I get really anxious because theres so much stuff that I should be doing, that I cannot actually spend time with friends and family without thinking about it. It sucks.


I think back to when I was temporarily "fired" from the hospital. It was for 4 months: jan - april of 2009. It was glorious. I felt so pleased. I could get stuff done. We could see our friends. We could sing. We could go away places. I did not have to plan my entire social life around this stupid part time job. And maybe that is the biggest part of it... that every single extra-curricular plan seems to revolve around working at the hospital.


I also have to figure out what changed though. Yes, I was always annoyed that I had to work on the weekends and miss out on the "fun stuff". But for a long time, I only worked Sats. That was do-able. I believe it was when I got re-hired that April and had to work both Sat and Suns that this stopped being fun.

Ultimately though, I need a change, and leaving might be the change I need. When I look back on my life and my time (especially on my marriage to Jon when it was just US), I want to remember it as fun and healthy and full of friends and good memories. Right now, I do not have that. I have been sick due to stress, and isolated due to having little time to goof off.


So I guess it almost sounds like my decision is made.... I just wish someone out there could confirm that it is the right one and that ultimately that money will not matter and that we will still be able to have the flexibility the money this job brings.

Anyone? Anyone???

The Never Ending Endo Battle

Well, I am working from home today. And tomorrow. I finally got up enough balls to ask my school if I could work from home when I get my period. Talk about incredibly embarrassing. First I wrote a very passionate email to our HR director explaining to him the details of my condition. It has not been as much of an issue until this point because before, I could work from home whenever I wanted... and then I was on Lupron, so I did not have my period for a long time... but now that my body is kind of back to it's horrible self, here I am, feeling ill. I explained to him that its incredibly stressful to worry about when my period is going to come and then knowing that I HAVE to go to school because a) I gotta get work done and b) I do not want to use sick days (because I would still work at home due to necessity). I plead my case and explained that I had been a solid, responsible employee for 5 years, and that this privilege is not something I would abuse.

SO... the HR guy (cringe) edited all medical stuff out of the email and sent something to our principal. HE called me into his office. I do not feel shamed telling people about endo and how it affects me, but it is emotional. I began to explain to him the situation and welled up with tears. Not sure if THAT is what convinced him, but he said I could have days as I needed them. There were two caveats: 1) that I would fill out FMLA forms with my doctor that said I needed to be home and 2) I just need to say "as per our conversation" when I request the time. THAT is what I find embarrassing - like I want him to know each and every time I have my period!!!

But oh well. He has 4 little girls, so he is going to have to get used to period talk in a couple of years anyway.

Last night, I was not sure if I was going to get it TODAY or not, but I decided it was likely, so I asked to work from home for today and tomorrow. Good thing I did. Around 10am I got the tell-tale punch in the gut followed by a wave of nausea that always kicks things off. But I am so glad to be home. I cannot explain how much it has lowered my stress level, and therefore, lessened some of the pain of what I will deal with over the next 48 hours. Uh, it could be the excessive use of advil as well.... but I really do believe that lowering my stress level helps.

So that brings me to today's research: the endometriosis diet. Dear LORD, help me please!!! The endo diet eliminates the following: wheat, sugar, diary, & red meat. Of course it does!!! I was sick all last week and the only stuff that was staying in my body was BREAD and DAIRY. I eat more carbs and cheese than anyone else I know. But I guess I am willing to try. At this point, I might as well, right? But it is daunting... I barely cook for myself now, so to really carve out this time to make special food focused on fruits, veggies, and non-wheat stuff, is scary. I downloaded an ebook with a lot of recipes, but a lot of them were for drinks. Since I have no problem just drinking water all the time, this is not a big deal for me. But when I think of lunch (sandwiches), I have to do a little reconsideration. How will I substitute? Will it be hard? I think this is do-able: just use non-wheat tortilla wraps. Yeah, I can do that. And breakfast... I do love me some cereal... but there ARE other cereals out there, I just have to do some hunting. Dinner will be the tough one, but I think if I buy more veggies ( and commit myself to actually making them ) and pick up some more brown rice and quinoa.... maybe I can do it. I really have to pep myself up for this, because losing convenience and flexibility is tough. I think the worst part for me is snacks. I eat a lot of granola bars... hello sugar! Sometimes they even have flour in it. But there are a few whole foods places around here, they have to have SOME substitute, right? I can also eat rice cakes, which I actually really love.


Okay, so I am already feeling a bit better about this having written out my thoughts. Just small substitutions. And do I have to totally eliminate all that other stuff? Maybe not. Maybe if I just cut it way back it will help?

But I am really confused - why aren't there more people out there who promote this or know about it or could help me accomplish this? Why aren't there doctors who say this works? When so many people are having good results, why is it not promoted more? It is disconcerting.

So I guess I will see how it goes and try to chronicle things here as I can. I remember when I was younger and I barely knew I had my period. I remember having no pain and no problems. And then it all changed. Why did it? I don't know. But it was a stark change. I hope that maybe I can have another stark change and go back to feeling healthy. :/