names

girls names I really like:

1. Elia ~ God has answered
2. Rae ~ Advisor, protector
3. Rebecca ~ to bind


I am not pregnant, do not worry.... and I will not be for quite some time, I am sure.

But it is incredibly strange how different things can be in one year's time... how hopes and dreams can utterly change. What you dreamed of a year ago might be non-existent now. Time is very interesting.


And time has also been moving very quickly... to think of where I was a year ago (depressed, not teaching, unhappy with who I was, unhappy with life, planning a move) and where I am now... it has gone by so quickly.

It reminds me to take each day as it comes, do not get too overwhelmed with future plans, and to simply enjoy life. I am trying. Some days it is easier than others.




First, I suppose, a bit about the weekend.

Jon and I went to Brooklyn to visit Susannah and Dave. We arrived late Friday night around 9ish to 4 pizzas.... though we ordered only two, the pizza guy brough four and sheepishly told us it was "buy one get one". Yeah right. He messed up... but we got 2 free pizzas out of it.

We sat around and talked... I have not seen Sus in about 4 years.... but we still get along quite well, and as the weekend proceeded I think we realized we probably have a lot more in common than we knew. We stayed up fairly late that night talking and playing games and eating chips.

After a rather uncomfortable sleep, we lazed around until almost noon, when Dave came back from teaching 1 yr olds music with some fresh pastries. We sliced them and shared them and then spent the afternoon talking and playing games and listening to music. I think I showered around 5... soon after that we went to a fantastic tapas bar right down the street from their apartment.

We ate dinner for maybe 2 hours, enjoying various appetizers, panninis, bruchettas, and desserts. I have to admit the best thing I ate was bruchetta with butternut squash and pancetta. It was so good. I have never had butternut squash before... it was utterly delicious.

We also ordered 3 of the 6 desserts on the menu and shared between the lot of us.

Everything was excellent. Sus is a writer and this particular place was her first paying gig as a restaurante reviewer. Yummy yum yummers!


Afterwards, we took the subway into Manhattan to a bar where Jon's cousin's band, The Mugs, were playing. It was a small bar and rather packed! Jon got to suprise Jeremy and his aunt and uncle. We all really really enjoyed the performance - they were awesome live. Jon, Sus, and I now having matching t shirts and cds. :)

After that, we took a cab back and proceeded to watch the Cosby show and eat chips and dip. I think we got to bed around 2... which was MUCH more comfortable after we took the futon mattress and put it on the floor.... and slept like rocks.

The next day, Jon and I left around 9. We got back by 11 or so... and parted ways. I went off to an Australia meeting... and Jon.... did nothing. ;) Actually he got some things accomplished, but not enough, so he said.



Since then I have not done much except try to get ahead on schoolwork. I am leaving Thursday evening for Utah for a few days. I have been working really hard to get ahead for class... mostly effectively, so I am pleased with that.



Anyway, my parents are watching american idol, and I am thinking sleep would be awesome.

yawn.

blog name

When I was in 7th grade, we had to make our personal crest in DEEP. I researched various symbols... I recall having a phoenix on it... which is a symbol which still holds meaning with me.

On top of the crest, we had to have a phrase which captured our essence.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what really described me, and what I really believed.

I came up with "teneo abel ace spes"

teneo ~ to hold on to, to preservere, to persist, to know, to understand
spes ~ hope


Now of course, little 7th grade me did not know Latin.. so this is probably incredibly poor phrasing.

Perhaps it should have been Carpo spes... the more literal translation of "hold on to hope".



Today I am still impressed by my choice of phrases, because it is something I return to again and again. To hold on to hope... to preservere... to KNOW that hope is valid and alive and continues... it is still incredibly important to me.



What to hope for? Good question... perhaps just hoping for the best... hoping for God's will to be made known... hoping for love and happiness and growth and the necessary suffering that all of those things may be but a distant epilogue of.

But the hoping makes the suffering better... and it also makes the ending even better.




I do not even know if this post makes sense. It is abou 9:15 and I am tired both physically and emotionally.


This weekend was fantatic, and I will perhaps write about it later... but it really was a great time. Thank you to Sus and Dave and Jon. :)

phantom

I stayed home from work today, and I am glad that I did.


I am currently doing schoolwork and I have Phantom of the Opera on in the background.



I have thought this recently... but now, watching it, I am thinking so again.... but sometimes I feel like my life is allegorized in Phantom of the Opera. It is interesting to consider... and I guess I would go more in depth, but enough already has been said.

totally bummed

So I got an email today from a girl that I was supposed to go to Australia with. Apparently our numbers got really low and she was cut.

I say girl, but shes in her mid-30s, super fun and nice, and shes traveled with P2P before...


And I basically do not know what to do. I felt that if anyone should/would get cut because of people dropping out, it would be me. I am the youngest on the team, never traveled with P2P, and only been out of the country once. I feel like I should give up my spot.





...but I really really really really want to go.


I think what I am going to do is to put the offer out there to our delegation leader and have her decide. Sure, I guess she already made the decision to cut this other girl, but I feel like she should at least know that I am not going to throw a hissy fit. If it better for her to go than me, then she should go. I am young enough that there will be other chances to travel.

What do you think?

le bleh

It is Thursday night...

Usually Thursday nights I am thinking, YAY, I get to go out and have fun and see my friends because tomorrow is Friday and it is okay if I spend a day sleepy....


But instead it is about 8:15 and I am sitting in my room thinking about all the clean clothes that need to be put away and the fact that the Office and Scrubs are on soon, but I think I am too tired to really go watch them.


The week has been a busy, crazy, rollercoastery type of week.... Emotions running the gamut, as well as being physically exhausted.

The weekend was good and I spent most of it helping Jon celebrate his birthday, which was on Tuesday. There was a pseudo-party on Sat (which I am so happy came together), dessert Sunday with Lauren, Dave, Laura, and Tim, dinner Monday at Sullivans with Jon's parents... it was busy. Then on Tuesday, we rented Little Miss Sunshine (it is good!) and chilled.

I cannot honestly remember what I did on Friday night except that I certainly was not at home, and last thursday I was at Josh and Leslie's to hang out and watch tv.

Lots of other fun things happened over the weekend... I got to spend some quality time with friends. Josh and I attempted to see Eragon on MLK jr day, but to no avail - sold out at 2 pm on a monday! It actually worked out, we went back to his place, made matzo ball soup, and watched Soap... which, incidentally, is hilarious and NOT British. It was a good time.


On Wednesday (yesterday), I started back to school. I was totally dreading it... its been a year and a half, but once I got there and class started, I couldnt help but smile to myself over my stupidity... I like school. I mean, I really do. I love going to classes.... this one happens to be from 7 to 10, which is sort of upsetting.... but I do love going. I think it should be a good one.

I also had the opportunity there to catch up with an old friend from WCU... who is still taking classes and still living at home. He made me feel much better about being a loser.


The weekend promises to be rather busy...
Tomorrow night, no plans as of yet, but a possible excursion into the city to play Wii.
Sat, I work at night... unfortunately I will be missing Josh's a cappella groups do Sergent Pepper's.... but if you would like to go, get in touch with him, it should be great.
Sunday morning I have to get up super early, pick up Noah, and drive out to Camp. After that it is off to Chanceford Presbyterian to lead worship. After that, I will be driving back and going to choir rehersal. I do not have plans for Sunday night so far... but... who knows, something will crop up.


Tonight has been VERY uneventful, which I am incredibly thankful for. I have watched tv for literally 4 hours. I do not, in all honesty, watch a lot of tv... but when you are tired, its a wonderful way to zone out. Currently I have on a peel-off face masque (gotta love those), adidas button up pants (which I really need to practice ripping off stripper style), my Project t shirt (which I have worn every day since Tuesday when I come home from school, and also to bed... and also, guiltly, to class last night), and I am considering putting on my glasses soon.

I know, I know, calm it down, my blog is just too incredibly exciting.



I don't know... yet again, I feel like there are tons and mounds to say, but words fall short. I am just emotionally and physically very tired... In all honesty, I just want the month of January to be over. I know the new year is supposed to be a fresh start and all, but it does not quite feel that way yet.

In the meantime, I have posted some pictures of the weekend if you want to check them out following the link to the right.

Every Minute ~ Sara Groves

I am long on staying
I am slow to leave
Especially when it comes to you my friend
You have taught me slow down
And to prop up my feet
It's the fine art of being who I am

And I can't figure out
Why you want me around
I'm not the smartest person I have ever met
But somehow that doesn't matter
No it never really mattered to you at all

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me

And I can think of time when families all lived together
Four generations in one house
And the table was full of good food
And friends and neighbors
That's not how we like it now

Cause if you sit at home you're a loser
Couldn't you find anything better to do
Well no I couldn't think of one thing
I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me

And I wish all the people I love the most
Could gather in one place
And know each other and love each other well

And I wish we could all go camping
And lay beneath the stars
And have nothing to do and stories to tell
We'd sit around the campfire
And we'd make each other laugh remembering when
You're the first one I'm inviting
Always know that you're my friend

And at the risk of wearing out my welcome
At the risk of self-discovery
I'll take every moment
And every minute that you'll give me
Every moment and every minute that you'll give me
Every moment and every minute that you'll give me
Every minute


I think this is getting added to the "life soundtrack". When I hear it, my heart aches. It is such an earnest, open song. And I feel it when I listen, it voices a desire that is inside of me. It reminds me of the Otherland quote I posted awhile ago... it is the same idea.

Sometimes I just can't wait to get to Heaven.

the need to write

Often in times of distress, I feel the urge to write... and perhaps a blog is not quite the best medium, as I know people read this... but I am not sure that I care that much.

It was a hard day, plain and simple. Though perhaps a clean break should have been made that day, it wasn't, and today still hurt despite the ebbing of our relationship. My mind keeps going back to the phrase "even though you love someone, it does not mean that they are right for you". It is so incredibly true, and while I try to hold on to the good and forget the bad, I am feeling rather bitter and sad.


Fortunately for me, these feelings will pass quickly. I rationalize with the best of them... but more than that, I find that the need to love and to be full of joy overwhelms the sad times. Thank God for that.


I also thank God for my friends and the people who love me and hold me close when I feel this way. They support me much better than I support myself.

I never really needed people before... and I am not sure that I really do now... but in opening up those feelings and thoughts, I am learning to trust... in that, I know I will learn to need and to rely on people. It is scary, but worthwhile.

I don't know... I really feel like I have an ocean's worth of words to say and to get out... but I think on this one I will mostly have to keep my own council. Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated and, in fact, needed. I just pray that I can continue on the correct path and continue to grow and learn as I have been.


I feel older today... and I feel, in a sense, that I have gained a new understanding of my dad. I would like to go into it... but, again, I need to hold it in awhile longer so it can swirl around and I can get a good handle on it.



If nothing else, I just need prayers and love... love above anything else.


Thanks to Josh, who hung out with me not even knowing how awful today was for me.
Thanks to Les, who let me vent a little bit and is always so wonderfully supportive.
Thanks to Jon, who lets me cry and loves me just the same even when it hurts him to.

cleaning

If you find a quick or easy way, let me know. Every time I think I have made progress, I realize that there is more than I thought.

cutest thing EVER

From a student:

"The theory of evolution is how humans came from primapes."



Some days I love being a teacher.